So many people dream of becoming parents.
For some, the day comes a bit sooner than they might have expected.
For others, the day sadly never comes.
Often, putting a cloud over learning that friends and family members are expecting their first child.
Redditor AlRahmanDM and their wife had long hoped to start a family.
Sadly, it grew more and more likely that that day would never come.
With this in mind, when the original poster (OP)'s brother-in-law (BIL) announced that he and his wife were expecting, his reaction was less than enthusiastic.
Feeling bad about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not being happy at becoming an uncle?"
The OP explained why they were feeling less than celebratory to learn of his BIL's pregnancy:
"My wife (38 F[emale]) has a younger brother (34 M[ale])."
"He’s clearly the most beloved in the family that can do no wrong, but he’s a good guy."
"He has a girlfriend (also a very nice girl) and they moved together last year."
"Now, me and my wife wanted to have kids, but 4y ago she was diagnosed with cancer and while she’s luckily in total remission, therapies stop us from even trying (and given her age, it means that we will probably never have kids)."
"One month ago we were invited by her parents for lunch with the brother and the girlfriend, but unfortunately my wife got ill (she’s still very fragile) the evening before, and we had to cancel."
"They reprogrammed two weeks later, but again she got high fever in the morning and we could not join."
"For some reason, everybody sounded very angry at this, her brother even asking me if I thought it was only stress and not a real illness."
"I got a bit pissed, explained that fever is real, and close the conversation."
"Finally, yesterday we had the dinner."
"At the end they told that there was a gift for us and they wanted to record our reaction with their phones."
"Inside the package there was a pregnancy test."
"My wife started ugly crying, saying that it was happiness and hugging/crying for a few minutes the future mum."
"I went through different stages (happiness for them, regret, pain for my wife) and my brother-in-law said something along the lines “now you know why I was upset for you skipping the dinners!'”
"To which I (with a less than pleasant tone) answered that they could have simply called us, and no need to make all that scene. Everyone around us was shocked and uncertain how to react, my wife started feeling unwell (actually, fever again) so we basically left."
'Now, I know I should say sorry to them, but at the same time the fact that nobody, even her mother, thought that this could have been a somewhat stressing moment for my wife makes me upset."
"They have all the rights to be happy, and we should be for them."
"So I feel I’m the a**hole here."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for their reaction to their BIL's news.
Nearly everyone agreed that not only was the way the OP's BIL announced his wife's pregnancy insensitive, but simply bizarre, regardless of the circumstances:
"NTA."
'Also since when is someone else’s pregnancy a gift to others?"- Weekly-Aide-7719
"NTA."
"Giving you a used pee stick in a box, and wanting to record your reactions on their phones is way over the top, IMO."
"The idea that the only feeling a person is allowed to have when surprised with 'big news' is unmitigated happiness for the person giving it is simply a sign of the selfish and emotionally stunted world we live in."
"Of course you have mixed feelings."
"You are an adult with your own experiences that need to be processed."
"My brother is the golden boy, I would recommend you don't apologize."
"You have a right to your feelings, and your wife is allowed to feel unwell anytime."
"Don't let them make you feel bad for being human."- Apprehensive_Title38
"what a bizarre f***n thing to do, NTA."- Tall-Play-7649
"I’m of the opinion that if someone in your family has struggled with fertility, however it comes about, they should be told over the phone or privately about pregnancy announcements."
"I’d do that for my siblings no problem and I know they’d do that for me."
"And then decide from there if they want to be there for announcements."
"Just basic empathy."
"So, NTA."- taorthoaita
"I will never understand why it is socially acceptable to 'gift' someone a stick that someone else peed on."
"I understand the context, but too much of a gross factor to me."
"NTA."- anxiety-in-a-box
"NTA."
"Would have been NAH except that the brother recorded your reactions on his phone, and decided to put a urinated on pregnancy test in a box, which makes me roll my eyes."
"They're entitled to be happy, you guys are entitled to feel happy for them but also sad, it's one of those hard situations where the right thing would have been to share the news more sensitively than they did."
"Best case scenario they are insensitive and lack empathy to imagine how you and your wife might be feeling, and didn't even think."
"Worst case scenario they are insensitive and lack empathy to imagine how you and your wife might be feeling, and did think, but didn't care."
"The whole song and dance thing is over the top in any setting, and in this particular setting, uniquely poor taste."- delpigeon
"NTA."
"Yeah, it is clear, who the golden child is."
"Making a show of informing a childless couple of someone else's pregnancy is either a sigh of absolute selfishness or malicious intent."
"Please, give your wife lots of love to make up for her cruel family."- Different-Airline672
"If her brother and his girlfriend are aware of your disappointment over not being able to have children, you're NTA and they're horribly self absorbed and totally lacking in empathy for the way they were about telling you their news."
"BIL already seems somewhat self absorbed and lacking in empathy for expressing that your wife's illness isn't a valid reason for 'skipping the dinners'."
"But if knows how badly you wanted children, he's a raging A-H."- Dittoheadforever
"I agree with you."
"However, from their perspective, they are probably thinking they are bringing joy and something to look forward to for the family."
"They are not putting themselves in your wife's shoes = the fact that she may never be able to have her own children."
"I do think they are quite insensitive."
"Your wife is very ill, and they thought it would be a great idea to film her?"
"I hate being put on the spot."
"I find it embarrassing, plus I have to 'perform' how people want me to react."
"Your suggestion is how they SHOULD have handled it."
"I would speak to your wife about your concerns and take your lead from her."
"It is her family after all."
"NTA."- llmcr
"NTA."
"They turned a sensitive situation into a whole performance and expected applause."
"Bad timing, bad delivery."- CrystalMuuse
"NTA."
"Not only could they have called."
"Knowing what you two have been through, they SHOULD have called."
"At no time in my own personal excitement for pregnancy did I ever forget to be sensitive to friends and/or family who I knew wanted children but didn’t have them yet for various reasons."
"This honestly seems so insensitive."
"Also, don’t give up hope, many of us have kids much older than your wife."- wildplums
There were, however, some who felt the OP's reaction only made a bad situation worse, even if they still didn't condone his BIL's behavior:
"ESH."
"Nobody can force you to be happy about this situation and I’m sure being reminded of your wife’s infertility is not pleasant."
"Your reaction was needlessly rude and I think you know it."
"Your wife was able to be nice about it and she was the one feeling sick!"
"I’m calling them TAH as well because their method for announcing the pregnancy was weird and put a lot of pressure on you."
"Of course, I think it’s reasonable for them to want to tell you in person, but filming you opening this 'gift' was over the line."
"It seems like, based on the way you opened the story, that you have unresolved resentment toward your BIL or maybe the whole family."
"This could be explored with your wife because I’m not sure she’s on the same page as you (but what do I know?)."
"Wishing you and your wife a safe recovery."- a3wagner
It's one thing for the OP's BIL to make a show of their good news when he knows the OP and his wife have been struggling.
The fact that he was angry that his sister, who is recovering from cancer, was to ill too join them for dinner is almost hard to stomach.
As said above, it's hard to fathom it ever being acceptable behavior to give something someone else once urinated on.
