Not every wedding day is filled with total joy.
Sometimes, there is always a guest (usually family) who can't help but stir up drama.
To be fair, weddings are big events with a group of people carrying a ton of past baggage.
These can be the type of event where the emotions can't be held back.
But actions have consequences.
Certain behaviors at a wedding are not soon forgotten.
Redditor Catsinhats9375 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to apologize for my mom feeling left out of my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last March, my husband (30 M[ale]) and I (32 F[emale]) had a small wedding."
"Since then, things with my mom have been a total mess."
"For background info, my dad passed away several years ago."
"Before the wedding..."
"Once we got engaged, I tried to talk to my mom about our ideas for the wedding."
"My mom hates social events and weddings specifically (she thinks they’re a 'waste of money' and an 'inconvenience to guests')."
"She kept pressuring us to elope or have a micro-wedding."
"Keep in mind that she wasn't paying for anything."
"After telling her 'no' a dozen times, I finally snapped and told her to drop it."
"After that, she completely shut down and lost interest."
"I still tried to involve her by inviting her to the florist, dress alterations, offering to go shopping for her M]other]-O[f]-B[ride] outfit, but she was always 'too busy' or just uninterested."
"I even asked her to get ready with me in the bridal suite, but she refused, saying she’d rather get ready at home because she 'didn’t want to socialize.'"
"She even skipped the rehearsal dinner because she 'didn't feel wanted.'"
"The wedding day..."
"On the day of, she showed up to the bridal suite with my uncle in tow."
"The room was tiny with zero privacy, and I didn't want a man in there while we were all changing."
"Since she refused to leave his side, she got incredibly offended that she wasn't allowed to stay."
"For the record, she was already completely ready (outfit/hair/makeup), so she would’ve been the only one NOT being exposed."
"Then, immediately after the ceremony, she tried to leave."
"She actually told my M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] to tell me goodbye because she was just... leaving?"
"It took multiple people convincing her to stay just to take photos and say a proper goodbye."
"It was a huge, disappointing scene."
"She missed the reception entirely, and of course, this was incredibly noticeable to all of our guests."
"Present day..."
"She’s been crying to relatives and her friends about how disappointed she is that she wasn't included and claiming I’ve 'pushed her out of my life.'"
"She’s refusing to have a real conversation with me until I apologize for not considering her feelings."
"I feel like I spent months begging her to be involved, only for her to blow me off, but now she’s acting like it was my fault that she wasn’t involved."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to apologize?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Sounds like a narcissist who wanted all the attention on your wedding day and found a way to make it all about herself." ~ runningoutofnames57
"Wow, she sounds exhausting."
"I think she got social feedback that her behavior was messed up, and now she wants to rewrite history to make it your fault."
"NTA. Tell relatives the real story if you want." ~ LongjumpingSnow6986
"Her daughter got married and didn't listen to her suggestion to elope so that no one would be involved!"
"You forced her to be obvious in her lack of participation!"
"If OP had just listened to her from the start, no one would have known she's a sh*t mom!!! NTA." ~ Next_Dragonfly_9473
"THIS! She’s jealous of you."
"She only had an elopement."
"She was envious and did what she could to ruin your wedding."
"She didn’t get a rehearsal dinner; therefore, why should you?"
"She didn’t have dress fittings, why should you. "
"She is pea green with envy and still trying to ruin things by painting you as inconsiderate and neglectful."
"Shame on her! My mom is similar."
"I’ve had to go no contact throughout my life for my own sanity."
"I hope you know this is not your fault, and she’s behaved atrociously." ~ Fifi-Gobstopper
"I'm so sorry."
"My mother ruined my wedding day by acting like an a**hole."
"It was 22 years ago, and I'm divorced now, and it still hurts so much to think about."
"She is in very poor health, and when I got remarried a couple of months ago, I was worried she would die right before the day so she could ruin both weddings."
"You are absolutely NTA, and you should move forward in whatever way brings you the most comfort and peace."
"I hope you and your husband have a long, happy life together!" ~ QuirkyLiteraryName
"NTA. Has she always been like this?"
"Do your friends/relatives KNOW how she is?"
"Don't apologize."
"And also, don't worry about how she paints you."
"Either they see how ridiculous she is, or they are just as ridiculous." ~SunshineSeriesB
"NTA. So sorry, OP, that your mother has tried to poison your wedding."
"You will know better than anyone that your mother is not a reasonable person and that she doesn't know what she wants."
"The only thing she does know is that she wants to cry and complain about it."
"It seems that she has no ability to respect, let alone to cherish you as you deserve."
"You tried your best."
"For your own sake, you need to keep your distance."
"Prioritize your health and well-being." ~ Time-Tie-231
"NTA- your mom is playing victim, do not apologize."
"Defend yourself if needed if brought up by family members, but otherwise just cut your mother off at this point."
"She has no interest, and pandering to her behavior will only reinforce to her that it is acceptable and gets her what she wants." ~ jimfish98
One Redditor had a query...
"Just curious to know, OP, if your mother might suffer from (diagnosed or undiagnosed) social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder."
"The behavior you describe sounds 100% like a person with anxiety."
"Many people with anxiety use excuses such that you have written to mask their fear of being around people, in crowded rooms, in open spaces, having a spotlight on them (MOB has a certain amount of attention), and many other situations that can cause their social or generalized anxiety to flare up or cause a panic attack."
"A lot of people with anxiety find it very hard to explain because they realize their fears sound so 'lame,' and will go so far as to find excuses not to attend events so they don't have to explain their reluctance to avoid places and events."
"I could be totally wrong, but it is something to consider."
OP responded...
"She does have generalized anxiety disorder, which she refuses to medicate."
"Once I realized that she didn’t want to be involved as the MOB, I accepted that she wanted to have a guest role and adjusted my expectations accordingly."
"I still offered her the opportunity to be more involved in the wedding itself, but I’m mainly disappointed that she didn’t want to do any of the activities leading up to the wedding, but is now very upset since she felt excluded."
Reddit continued...
"This isn’t drive-by anxiety."
"This behavior is narcissistic." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"She sounds like she has main character syndrome."
"She excluded herself, and continued excluding herself after repeated attempts to include her. NTA."
"Whether consciously or not, your mom is getting something out of creating these situations and playing the victim."
"I don’t know if she’d be receptive, but therapy may help her work that out."
"Regardless, it’s not something you’re responsible for." ~ Blankie_Burrito
"NTA. Were the invites through text?"
"If so, send her screenshots of you asking her to be part of the pre-wedding planning stuff and ask how exactly she was left out."
"Also remind her that she was invited to the bridal suite, not your uncle, because several women would be naked in that room and not necessarily comfortable being seen by a man they had potentially never met before." ~ LetMeCheck13
"NTA. I don't understand this behavior at all."
"Is she one of those people who get really offended when their opinions aren't followed to a T by others?"
"Like you didn't have a micro wedding, so she interprets that in the most extreme way possible and thinks you pushed her out?"
"She behaved horribly in all honesty, and maybe she's trying to cover for that by blaming you before you can blame her."
"It's like she was trying to ruin your wedding because it wasn't what she wanted, they realized how it looked, and she is trying to deflect."
"It's the only way I can make sense of it."
"But you're NTA." ~ PulsarPersonality
"NTA. Mom seems like a childish twit."
"I'd suggest reminding her of all the times you tried to involve her, and she refused to participate."
"Then tell her she can contact you once she reaches adulthood, because you're not dealing with any stupid, childish drama from a grown a** adult."
"Then follow through."
"When people ask why- out of her."
"Tell your family exactly how she acted, why you're limiting contact, then offer to add them to the limited contact list if it's going to be a problem for them."
"She's going to try to make the entire universe revolve around her."
"Only you can stop it by stepping out of her orbit."
"So step out, and walk away." ~ mamaallthetime
Reddit is with you, OP.
You still had your special day.
As long as you're happy, that's what counts.
Don't let her steal your joy.
These are her issues to fix.
Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp