Not every wedding day is filled with total joy.
Sometimes, there is always a guest (usually family) who can't help but stir up drama.
To be fair, weddings are big events with a group of people carrying a ton of past baggage.
These can be the type of event where the emotions can't be held back.
But actions have consequences.
Certain behaviors at a wedding are not soon forgotten.
Redditor Catsinhats9375 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to apologize for my mom feeling left out of my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last March, my husband (30 M[ale]) and I (32 F[emale]) had a small wedding."
"Since then, things with my mom have been a total mess."
"For background info, my dad passed away several years ago."
"Before the wedding..."
"Once we got engaged, I tried to talk to my mom about our ideas for the wedding."
"My mom hates social events and weddings specifically (she thinks they’re a 'waste of money' and an 'inconvenience to guests')."
"She kept pressuring us to elope or have a micro-wedding."
"Keep in mind that she wasn't paying for anything."
"After telling her 'no' a dozen times, I finally snapped and told her to drop it."
"After that, she completely shut down and lost interest."
"I still tried to involve her by inviting her to the florist, dress alterations, offering to go shopping for her M]other]-O[f]-B[ride] outfit, but she was always 'too busy' or just uninterested."
"I even asked her to get ready with me in the bridal suite, but she refused, saying she’d rather get ready at home because she 'didn’t want to socialize.'"
"She even skipped the rehearsal dinner because she 'didn't feel wanted.'"
"The wedding day..."
"On the day of, she showed up to the bridal suite with my uncle in tow."
"The room was tiny with zero privacy, and I didn't want a man in there while we were all changing."
"Since she refused to leave his side, she got incredibly offended that she wasn't allowed to stay."
"For the record, she was already completely ready (outfit/hair/makeup), so she would’ve been the only one NOT being exposed."
"Then, immediately after the ceremony, she tried to leave."
"She actually told my M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] to tell me goodbye because she was just... leaving?"
"It took multiple people convincing her to stay just to take photos and say a proper goodbye."
"It was a huge, disappointing scene."
"She missed the reception entirely, and of course, this was incredibly noticeable to all of our guests."
"Present day..."
"She’s been crying to relatives and her friends about how disappointed she is that she wasn't included and claiming I’ve 'pushed her out of my life.'"
"She’s refusing to have a real conversation with me until I apologize for not considering her feelings."
"I feel like I spent months begging her to be involved, only for her to blow me off, but now she’s acting like it was my fault that she wasn’t involved."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to apologize?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Sounds like a narcissist who wanted all the attention on your wedding day and found a way to make it all about herself." ~ runningoutofnames57
"Wow, she sounds exhausting."
"I think she got social feedback that her behavior was messed up, and now she wants to rewrite history to make it your fault."
"NTA. Tell relatives the real story if you want." ~ LongjumpingSnow6986
"Her daughter got married and didn't listen to her suggestion to elope so that no one would be involved!"
"You forced her to be obvious in her lack of participation!"
"If OP had just listened to her from the start, no one would have known she's a sh*t mom!!! NTA." ~ Next_Dragonfly_9473
"THIS! She’s jealous of you."
"She only had an elopement."
"She was envious and did what she could to ruin your wedding."
"She didn’t get a rehearsal dinner; therefore, why should you?"
"She didn’t have dress fittings, why should you. "
"She is pea green with envy and still trying to ruin things by painting you as inconsiderate and neglectful."
"Shame on her! My mom is similar."
"I’ve had to go no contact throughout my life for my own sanity."
"I hope you know this is not your fault, and she’s behaved atrociously." ~ Fifi-Gobstopper
"I'm so sorry."
"My mother ruined my wedding day by acting like an a**hole."
"It was 22 years ago, and I'm divorced now, and it still hurts so much to think about."
"She is in very poor health, and when I got remarried a couple of months ago, I was worried she would die right before the day so she could ruin both weddings."
"You are absolutely NTA, and you should move forward in whatever way brings you the most comfort and peace."
"I hope you and your husband have a long, happy life together!" ~ QuirkyLiteraryName
"NTA. Has she always been like this?"
"Do your friends/relatives KNOW how she is?"
"Don't apologize."
"And also, don't worry about how she paints you."
"Either they see how ridiculous she is, or they are just as ridiculous." ~SunshineSeriesB
"NTA. So sorry, OP, that your mother has tried to poison your wedding."
"You will know better than anyone that your mother is not a reasonable person and that she doesn't know what she wants."
"The only thing she does know is that she wants to cry and complain about it."
"It seems that she has no ability to respect, let alone to cherish you as you deserve."
"You tried your best."
"For your own sake, you need to keep your distance."
"Prioritize your health and well-being." ~ Time-Tie-231
"NTA- your mom is playing victim, do not apologize."
"Defend yourself if needed if brought up by family members, but otherwise just cut your mother off at this point."
"She has no interest, and pandering to her behavior will only reinforce to her that it is acceptable and gets her what she wants." ~ jimfish98
One Redditor had a query...
"Just curious to know, OP, if your mother might suffer from (diagnosed or undiagnosed) social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder."
"The behavior you describe sounds 100% like a person with anxiety."
"Many people with anxiety use excuses such that you have written to mask their fear of being around people, in crowded rooms, in open spaces, having a spotlight on them (MOB has a certain amount of attention), and many other situations that can cause their social or generalized anxiety to flare up or cause a panic attack."
"A lot of people with anxiety find it very hard to explain because they realize their fears sound so 'lame,' and will go so far as to find excuses not to attend events so they don't have to explain their reluctance to avoid places and events."
"I could be totally wrong, but it is something to consider."
OP responded...
"She does have generalized anxiety disorder, which she refuses to medicate."
"Once I realized that she didn’t want to be involved as the MOB, I accepted that she wanted to have a guest role and adjusted my expectations accordingly."
"I still offered her the opportunity to be more involved in the wedding itself, but I’m mainly disappointed that she didn’t want to do any of the activities leading up to the wedding, but is now very upset since she felt excluded."
Reddit continued...
"This isn’t drive-by anxiety."
"This behavior is narcissistic." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"She sounds like she has main character syndrome."
"She excluded herself, and continued excluding herself after repeated attempts to include her. NTA."
"Whether consciously or not, your mom is getting something out of creating these situations and playing the victim."
"I don’t know if she’d be receptive, but therapy may help her work that out."
"Regardless, it’s not something you’re responsible for." ~ Blankie_Burrito
"NTA. Were the invites through text?"
"If so, send her screenshots of you asking her to be part of the pre-wedding planning stuff and ask how exactly she was left out."
"Also remind her that she was invited to the bridal suite, not your uncle, because several women would be naked in that room and not necessarily comfortable being seen by a man they had potentially never met before." ~ LetMeCheck13
"NTA. I don't understand this behavior at all."
"Is she one of those people who get really offended when their opinions aren't followed to a T by others?"
"Like you didn't have a micro wedding, so she interprets that in the most extreme way possible and thinks you pushed her out?"
"She behaved horribly in all honesty, and maybe she's trying to cover for that by blaming you before you can blame her."
"It's like she was trying to ruin your wedding because it wasn't what she wanted, they realized how it looked, and she is trying to deflect."
"It's the only way I can make sense of it."
"But you're NTA." ~ PulsarPersonality
"NTA. Mom seems like a childish twit."
"I'd suggest reminding her of all the times you tried to involve her, and she refused to participate."
"Then tell her she can contact you once she reaches adulthood, because you're not dealing with any stupid, childish drama from a grown a** adult."
"Then follow through."
"When people ask why- out of her."
"Tell your family exactly how she acted, why you're limiting contact, then offer to add them to the limited contact list if it's going to be a problem for them."
"She's going to try to make the entire universe revolve around her."
"Only you can stop it by stepping out of her orbit."
"So step out, and walk away." ~ mamaallthetime
Reddit is with you, OP.
You still had your special day.
As long as you're happy, that's what counts.
Don't let her steal your joy.
These are her issues to fix.
Congratulations!
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.