Not every wedding day is filled with total joy.
Sometimes, there is always a guest (usually family) who can't help but stir up drama.
To be fair, weddings are big events with a group of people carrying a ton of past baggage.
These can be the type of event where the emotions can't be held back.
But actions have consequences.
Certain behaviors at a wedding are not soon forgotten.
Redditor Catsinhats9375 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to apologize for my mom feeling left out of my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last March, my husband (30 M[ale]) and I (32 F[emale]) had a small wedding."
"Since then, things with my mom have been a total mess."
"For background info, my dad passed away several years ago."
"Before the wedding..."
"Once we got engaged, I tried to talk to my mom about our ideas for the wedding."
"My mom hates social events and weddings specifically (she thinks they’re a 'waste of money' and an 'inconvenience to guests')."
"She kept pressuring us to elope or have a micro-wedding."
"Keep in mind that she wasn't paying for anything."
"After telling her 'no' a dozen times, I finally snapped and told her to drop it."
"After that, she completely shut down and lost interest."
"I still tried to involve her by inviting her to the florist, dress alterations, offering to go shopping for her M]other]-O[f]-B[ride] outfit, but she was always 'too busy' or just uninterested."
"I even asked her to get ready with me in the bridal suite, but she refused, saying she’d rather get ready at home because she 'didn’t want to socialize.'"
"She even skipped the rehearsal dinner because she 'didn't feel wanted.'"
"The wedding day..."
"On the day of, she showed up to the bridal suite with my uncle in tow."
"The room was tiny with zero privacy, and I didn't want a man in there while we were all changing."
"Since she refused to leave his side, she got incredibly offended that she wasn't allowed to stay."
"For the record, she was already completely ready (outfit/hair/makeup), so she would’ve been the only one NOT being exposed."
"Then, immediately after the ceremony, she tried to leave."
"She actually told my M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] to tell me goodbye because she was just... leaving?"
"It took multiple people convincing her to stay just to take photos and say a proper goodbye."
"It was a huge, disappointing scene."
"She missed the reception entirely, and of course, this was incredibly noticeable to all of our guests."
"Present day..."
"She’s been crying to relatives and her friends about how disappointed she is that she wasn't included and claiming I’ve 'pushed her out of my life.'"
"She’s refusing to have a real conversation with me until I apologize for not considering her feelings."
"I feel like I spent months begging her to be involved, only for her to blow me off, but now she’s acting like it was my fault that she wasn’t involved."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to apologize"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Sounds like a narcissist who wanted all the attention on your wedding day and found a way to make it all about herself." ~ runningoutofnames57
"Wow, she sounds exhausting."
"I think she got social feedback that her behavior was messed up, and now she wants to rewrite history to make it your fault."
"NTA. Tell relatives the real story if you want." ~ LongjumpingSnow6986
"Her daughter got married and didn't listen to her suggestion to elope so that no one would be involved!"
"You forced her to be obvious in her lack of participation!"
"If OP had just listened to her from the start, no one would have known she's a sh*t mom!!! NTA." ~ Next_Dragonfly_9473
"THIS! She’s jealous of you."
"She only had an elopement."
"She was envious and did what she could to ruin your wedding."
"She didn’t get a rehearsal dinner; therefore, why should you?"
"She didn’t have dress fittings, why should you. "
"She is pea green with envy and still trying to ruin things by painting you as inconsiderate and neglectful."
"Shame on her! My mom is similar."
"I’ve had to go no contact throughout my life for my own sanity."
"I hope you know this is not your fault, and she’s behaved atrociously." ~ Fifi-Gobstopper
"I'm so sorry."
"My mother ruined my wedding day by acting like an a**hole."
"It was 22 years ago, and I'm divorced now, and it still hurts so much to think about."
"She is in very poor health, and when I got remarried a couple of months ago, I was worried she would die right before the day so she could ruin both weddings."
"You are absolutely NTA, and you should move forward in whatever way brings you the most comfort and peace."
"I hope you and your husband have a long, happy life together!" ~ QuirkyLiteraryName
"NTA. Has she always been like this?"
"Do your friends/relatives KNOW how she is?"
"Don't apologize."
"And also, don't worry about how she paints you."
"Either they see how ridiculous she is, or they are just as ridiculous." ~SunshineSeriesB
"NTA. So sorry, OP, that your mother has tried to poison your wedding."
"You will know better than anyone that your mother is not a reasonable person and that she doesn't know what she wants."
"The only thing she does know is that she wants to cry and complain about it."
"It seems that she has no ability to respect, let alone to cherish you as you deserve."
"You tried your best."
"For your own sake, you need to keep your distance."
"Prioritize your health and well-being." ~ Time-Tie-231
"NTA- your mom is playing victim, do not apologize."
"Defend yourself if needed if brought up by family members, but otherwise just cut your mother off at this point."
"She has no interest, and pandering to her behavior will only reinforce to her that it is acceptable and gets her what she wants." ~ jimfish98
One Redditor had a query...
"Just curious to know, OP, if your mother might suffer from (diagnosed or undiagnosed) social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder."
"The behavior you describe sounds 100% like a person with anxiety."
"Many people with anxiety use excuses such that you have written to mask their fear of being around people, in crowded rooms, in open spaces, having a spotlight on them (MOB has a certain amount of attention), and many other situations that can cause their social or generalized anxiety to flare up or cause a panic attack."
"A lot of people with anxiety find it very hard to explain because they realize their fears sound so 'lame,' and will go so far as to find excuses not to attend events so they don't have to explain their reluctance to avoid places and events."
"I could be totally wrong, but it is something to consider."
OP responded...
"She does have generalized anxiety disorder, which she refuses to medicate."
"Once I realized that she didn’t want to be involved as the MOB, I accepted that she wanted to have a guest role and adjusted my expectations accordingly."
"I still offered her the opportunity to be more involved in the wedding itself, but I’m mainly disappointed that she didn’t want to do any of the activities leading up to the wedding, but is now very upset since she felt excluded."
Reddit continued...
"This isn’t drive-by anxiety."
"This behavior is narcissistic." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"She sounds like she has main character syndrome."
"She excluded herself, and continued excluding herself after repeated attempts to include her. NTA."
"Whether consciously or not, your mom is getting something out of creating these situations and playing the victim."
"I don’t know if she’d be receptive, but therapy may help her work that out."
"Regardless, it’s not something you’re responsible for." ~ Blankie_Burrito
"NTA. Were the invites through text?"
"If so, send her screenshots of you asking her to be part of the pre-wedding planning stuff and ask how exactly she was left out."
"Also remind her that she was invited to the bridal suite, not your uncle, because several women would be naked in that room and not necessarily comfortable being seen by a man they had potentially never met before." ~ LetMeCheck13
"NTA. I don't understand this behavior at all."
"Is she one of those people who get really offended when their opinions aren't followed to a T by others?"
"Like you didn't have a micro wedding, so she interprets that in the most extreme way possible and thinks you pushed her out?"
"She behaved horribly in all honesty, and maybe she's trying to cover for that by blaming you before you can blame her."
"It's like she was trying to ruin your wedding because it wasn't what she wanted, they realized how it looked, and she is trying to deflect."
"It's the only way I can make sense of it."
"But you're NTA." ~ PulsarPersonality
"NTA. Mom seems like a childish twit."
"I'd suggest reminding her of all the times you tried to involve her, and she refused to participate."
"Then tell her she can contact you once she reaches adulthood, because you're not dealing with any stupid, childish drama from a grown a** adult."
"Then follow through."
"When people ask why- out of her."
"Tell your family exactly how she acted, why you're limiting contact, then offer to add them to the limited contact list if it's going to be a problem for them."
"She's going to try to make the entire universe revolve around her."
"Only you can stop it by stepping out of her orbit."
"So step out, and walk away." ~ mamaallthetime
Reddit is with you, OP.
You still had your special day.
As long as you're happy, that's what counts.
Don't let her steal your joy.
These are her issues to fix.
Congratulations!
