Not all parents of the bride are helpful when planning a wedding.
Sometimes they just can't help but voice negativity.
A wedding is a very special time for a bride.
So positivity and joy are what most brides hope to get from loved ones.
But joy isn't always a guarantee.
Redditor AshleyR9879 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for purchasing my wedding dress without my mom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"AITAH for buying my wedding dress without my mom?"
"I, 35 F[emale], had my aunt in town to do a late birthday celebration."
"We decided to go look at wedding dresses and had planned it out 3 weeks in advance."
"Side note is this is my second wedding as well as my fiancé's, it's going to be very small."
"I'm plus-sized, and my mom is tiny, like a size 2 and very judgmental about my body and clothes."
"Regardless, I've tried to include or keep her updated with wedding plans as we make them, but she's kinda been a downer on everything from colors to location to invite list."
"Anyway, regardless of everything, I invited my mom right away to join us as I felt most moms would want to be there to pick out the dress, and she declined."
"2 weeks out, I invited my mom again, and again she declined."
"A week out, I invited her again, and you guessed it, she declines."
"This proceeded to occur all the way up to the night before. Week of, I invited her no less than 7 times, and her reasoning for declining ranged from 'you never know what will happen', 'your wedding isn't til next year' (less than 11 months), to 'Oh, I have plans at 3, so I don't think I'll make it in time.'"
"The first appointment was at 10 am and 45 minutes away from her house."
"Mom calls me the night before and says, 'Just don't buy anything.'"
"I informed her I'm not making that promise, as if I find the perfect dress, I'll go ahead and get it."
"I ask her one last time, and she declines the invitation again."
"So my aunt and I go to the first appointment and find THE dress."
"Yes, I tried on about 30 in various styles, materials, etc, but I loved this one."
"It was double my budget, but the shop decided to give it to me half off because they were just so nice, and my aunt decided to pay for it and all the accessories as a surprise."
"I said we should at least FaceTime my mom and show it to her."
"We did, and she was like 'Eh, keep it as an option, but I don't know.'"
"My aunt jumped in and said, 'No, we're informing you that this is the dress we purchased and thought you'd like to see it.'"
"Now my mom's upset I didn't take her with me to see the dress first."
"She's also jealous I took my aunt (from out of state) to see the venue."
"Keep in mind we've had this venue booked for nearly a year, and my parents live less than an hour from it and have declined every invite thus far."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITAH for not waiting to buy my wedding dress before my mom could come see it in person?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I think you might need to stop including your mother."
"You spent most of the time you should have been excited about looking for a dress, following up with someone who is not only acting disinterested but trying to rain on your parade."
"I think this is a one invite (and more of a telling her you are doing this) and then keep it moving."
"I am sorry your mom is being annoying, but I am glad you got your dress at half price, and your aunt was able to cover it!" ~ Gigi-lily
"Oh no, I got exhausted just reading how many times you repeated that you invited your mom despite her refusal."
"You shouldn't do that to yourself."
"Your mom acts as if she's the most important person in your life, the main character, princess of all princesses, and you're actively cooperating."
"She disrespects you, your body, your wedding, your dress - please stand up for yourself and stop being the enabler."
"She won't change; she thrives on refusing, and by asking her again and again, you're just giving her power over yourself."
"If she makes you miserable, why would you even want to invite her?"
"She declined your invitation so many times, and now she is upset that you made your choice without her royal blessing?"
"Please, see how childish, unreasonable, and laughable it is."
"Aren't you tired of this?"
"You're 35 - I'm sure she's been behaving like that for years!"
"Your aunt is your M[ost] V[aulable] P[layer] here - stick with the people who actually support and love you; you're lucky to have them."
"They will make you feel better."
"NTA. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!" ~ gravitational_lens
"I'd recommend that at the actual wedding, you have your aunt help you dress and get ready, instead of Mom, if you want to walk down the aisle happy and with confidence."
"NTA. I'm really happy you had a great experience 🩷." ~ Only-Ingenuity7889
"It seems like it is time to inform your mother that this wedding IS happening."
"It is not optional, she cannot delay or stall to make it not happen, you WILL be pursuing your happiness, regardless of her opinions on it, and she can either get on board and be happy and involved or step out of your way, but you will not be placating her and whatever tantrum she is going through. NTA." ~ littlerubygloom
"NTA, but is there some kind of history with your mom where she said no to something and then was mad when you didn't include her?"
"Otherwise, I don't understand why you'd invite someone so many times."
"The first 'no' should be it."
"Maybe tell her when the appointment is and that she is welcome to join if it works for her, but asking over and over again seems weird."
"If you accept the first no, she'll have to learn that she needs to show up if she wants to be a part of something." ~ SweetNothings12
"NTA at all."
"Wow, your mom is really trying to throw a wrench into the works of getting ready for this wedding!"
"Who knows why she's trying to hinder the process and make things harder for you, but I would go forward with fewer invites and reassurances she's welcome to her, and more taking care of what you and your fiancé need." ~ That_Bee_Baker
"I think you handled the situation well, and there is nothing for you to feel bad about here."
"That being said, for your own sake, think about how much contact you want with your mom about your wedding and life in general."
"Would you have been happier if you and your aunt had gone, picked out the dress, and had a fun day together without having to consider what you told your mom?"
"You can offer kindness and intimacy to people, but that won't make them behave better towards you if you know they are already lacking in emotional support/maturity."
"That's something only they can control, and unfortunately, it's hard for selfish people to change."
"You are allowed to have space between you and your mother (if that is something you think would bring you more peace), and you would not be a 'bad daughter' for doing so."
"NTA, and I hope you have a wonderful wedding." ~ Internal_Equivalent
"From the title, I was so ready to jump to AH; my mom is deceased, and I would have given anything to be able to have her with me when I chose my gown, so it was an emotional reaction."
"Reading this and seeing how many times you reached out to include her mom shows that the only AH here is your mom. NTA." ~ Accomplished-Pea5539
"NTA having relatives, especially mothers, going to dress shopping is optional."
"Some want to include their family in their choices, some just want to pick what they like without someone trying to tell them it's not their style."
"It's YOUR wedding, she already had her options and opportunity back then." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. I'm sorry your mother is so awful and treats you that way."
"I could never do that to my children."
"I would put her on an information diet, only give her details you want to, feel no obligation to include her, and lean into the people who prioritize you in their lives."
"Best wishes for your wedding and marriage!" ~ BloomNurseRN
"NTA. Personally would have your aunt in the traditional mother of the bride role for your wedding."
"If your mum refused to go wedding dress shopping seven times, she cannot expect you to keep delaying making the important decisions because she is not there."
"Does she not realise if she keeps up her behavior, she may not want to attend the wedding as the speeches are going to brutal for her." ~ Acceptable-Net-154
"Congratulations on your wedding and on finding your dress."
"Is it an option to uninvite your mom to the wedding???"
"She's totally self-absorbed." ~ Plastic-Designer-580
"It sounds like you bent over backwards to include her, and she declined."
"Now she has regrets and is trying to make them your problem. NTA." ~ elpislazuli
"NTA, I'm so glad you have a mother figure who loves you as you are." ~ actualchristmastree
"NTA. The woman had her chance and rejected you."
"She doesn't get to be hurt for not showing up." ~ _Internet_Hugs_
"NTA. Never in a million years."
"I'm sorry your mom is like this." ~ SunnyAndRainyOutside
"NTA, you will never please your mother."
"She seems to enjoy playing the victim while setting herself up in the role." ~ Zealousideal_Call183
"NTA. If your mom wanted to be involved or cared about your wedding, she would." ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your mom sounds like a downer.
You deserve better treatment.
Don't let her spoil your happiness.
Good luck and congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp