Quality friendships are very hard to come by, especially the kind that feel like they could last forever, and the two people can share anything and be themselves when spending time together.
But even in these amazing friendships, there have to be boundaries, especially when it comes to romance, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor dailyorangejuicelife tried to be supportive of his wife's relationship with her best friend, who she'd been close to since high school, and that included her best friend coming over to their house all the time and regularly spending time with his wife outside the home, too.
But when it was time for the Original Poster (OP) and his wife to have a romantic getaway, just the two of them, and her best friend could not take a hint, he knew it was time to set firmer boundaries between his wife's friendship and his wife's marriage.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by telling my wife's best friend to leave us alone during our romantic vacation?"
The OP planned a special trip to reconnect with his wife.
"I (Male) planned this trip with my wife (Female) about three months ago."
"We’ve both been working nonstop for a long time, so this was supposed to be our chance to finally get away and just spend some real quality time together."
The OP's wife had a best friend she got to spend time with all the time.
"My wife has a best friend (Female) she’s known since high school. They’re extremely close and like to do everything together."
"She comes over almost every week, they go shopping, hang out constantly, basically inseparable."
"But with this trip, I felt like it's finally time to get some alone time with my wife and her with me, and we can just tan, enjoy good food, and not care about friends, responsibilities, and just hang out like a couple."
"I have not really told her anything about my feelings about her best friend, like that her friend is getting a little too involved in our lives, since it's her long-term friend, and I feel like I would just be a d**k mentioning it."
When the friend made a surprise appearance where she shouldn't have, the OP was furious.
"But the point is not that. The point is that when we checked in and went to the pool, she showed up. Her friend."
"My wife obviously got happy and smiley, but I honestly got furious."
"I told her that randomly showing up at someone's vacation that was planned for a couple is unacceptable and, frankly, rude."
"She told me to calm down, and my wife just gave me the eye."
"But I kept pushing, saying I would appreciate some alone time with my wife, and I didn't want her around."
"And after that, she left, and now my wife is mad at me for how I talked to her."
"And I feel like maybe I overreacted and could have handled it a better way, but at the same time, I was just tired of her being around."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he was not wrong to be upset, but he could have handled the situation better.
"YOR. Not because you want alone time with your wife, though. But because you didn't talk at all about this with your wife."
"As far as she knows, you're totally fine with her friend around all the time. Only to snap and embarrass her and her friend seemingly out of the blue. Learn to communicate with your wife better."
"But for real, her showing up on y'all's vacation is super weird." - throwaway1994jax
"It would have been much better overall if you had straight-up told your wife you were excited to spend quality time with her alone beforehand and that you felt like it’s been lacking prior to the trip."
"It would have been better if the friend didn’t show up and all, and if your wife had reacted more on your side when she did."
"It would have been better if you didn’t yell at the friend in that moment and finally let your emotions come to a head after the damage was done and she was already there."
"At this point, you can only try to calm down, backtrack, forgive that what has happened has already happened and was because you didn’t communicate properly beforehand what you wanted, but also move forward and have the hard conversation with your partner that need to be had and ensure you put steps toward getting your needs met now, even if it’s later than ideal to do so." - potsmoking_princess
"His wife has absolutely no idea he planned the vacation for alone time and that her best friend is bugging him. Because he's never ever mentioned any of it. Her showing up is weird, but him blowing up like that out of the blue is also alarming." - momar214
"NOR. That woman sounds insane. And I think you should do your relationship a favor and start communicating with your wife like a mature adult now, before you build up so much resentment behind this that it becomes an insurmountable issue in your marriage."
"You need to tell your wife exactly how you feel; maybe showing her this post would be easiest? I feel like you very respectfully and concisely laid out what your issues with this situation are here. So maybe just show her the post?"
"Regardless, y'all need to discuss this, like, yesterday. The 'best friend' needs to back off, and your wife needs to be open to hearing your side of things and considering your feelings on the matter."
"This relationship with her friend is bordering on codependent if your wife is gonna act like you were the one who did something wrong when you were rightfully upset about her friend showing up to your d**n couple's vacation unwanted and uninvited!" - Dracoindulgent
Others agreed and said that the OP had a much bigger wife problem on his hands than he'd realized.
"The reality is that your wife shared these plans with the friend, and she had no problems if the friend came along. NOR from the basis that clearly the wife didn’t tell you any of this in advance, and expected you to go along with it."
"However, you have a wife problem. She didn’t value alone couple time the way you do." - Snackinpenguin
"I'm ASSUMING she invited her friend to come, but even if she didn't know, the OP still has a wife problem. I love my friends, but if any, ANY, of them did this to me while my partner and I were trying to reconnect, my partner wouldn't have a chance to get one word in before I told them to get lost and find something else to do, because WHAT THE F**KING THIRD WHEEL IS THIS?" - Designer-Lettuce-690
"Who do you think told the friend about the vacation? About where they would be and what time they would be there."
"The wife did! OP’s wife doesn’t want alone couples time. She wants to hang out with her friend. I would be having a serious conversation with my wife if I were OP."
"True, he might have been a little mean in the moment. But the truth is OP’s wife doesn’t want to spend alone time with him. So if that’s something OP values in a relationship, his wife either needs to change things up, or he needs to move on." - overindulgent
"NOR."
"Your wife screwed the pooch here. You have a wife problem, in my honest opinion. SHE should have been the one to tell her friend to hit the road. Actually, she should have mentioned it weeks before, when the trip was planned."
"It is NO coincidence that her friend showed up. Obviously, she had gotten the details from your wife and also gotten the OK to tag along. You have been decent in letting your wife and her friend continue to be close; nothing wrong with that."
"But, this crosses a big, big line on many levels, and it needs to stop, like, yesterday." - Samwry
"The wife didn't communicate. It seems like common sense if I'm planning something with my spouse with her in mind, that it's a personal thing. If her friend randomly shows up without any notice on his end, I'd be furious, too."
"He planned a vacation for months only to have it interrupted out of the blue. I guarantee if the wife planned a thing and one of his friends just popped up and invited themself along, she'd be p**sed." - Fudge-Good
"You have a wife problem. She’s taken your years of silence as weakness and compliance, and may have even purposely feigned ignorance at your annoyance and irritation at times throughout the course of the relationship."
"Check this behavior immediately. Your wife told her about the trip, and if she didn’t implicitly invite her BFF, she inferred that she could come along. The BFF is an AH and is being purposely stupid, too. She KNOWS why you’re p**sed."
"You clearly love your wife, but it’s also okay not to like her (at this moment). You’ve gotta put your foot down and let her know that you want couples counseling to talk things through because you’re not interested in losing your relationship. Her response to your request will tell you what you need to know."
"And question, does the BFF not have a husband, significant other, friend with benefits, children, family, hobbies??? Because I get being close to your wife and having decades of shared history, but I’m not even at the homes of my SISTERS, the way this woman is at the house of a friend (your wife)."
"And before people come for me, yes, I’m acutely aware that we 'choose' our family and that not all family is blood. But DEAR GOD, this is too much as they’re in CONSTANT communication during the week as well."
"Your wife needs to be reminded that even if the heavy work schedules didn’t exist between the two of you, you’re trying to keep the marriage in a good place, a romantic and intimate place, and doing that means engaging in personal and PRIVATE reconnection times that doesn’t include others (i.e., BFFs, friends, extended family, children, etc.) unless expressly agreed and invited by the BOTH of you."
"Also, ask her how she’d feel if the situation were reversed and you had a BFF, whether male or female, constantly coming over to the house. Intruding on your private time, and you just dismissed her and took up for YOUR BFF constantly?!"
"NOR. I hope this works out for you." - Rose_Plum
Some even theorized that there was more going on between the wife and best friend than a simple friendship, leading some of them to joke that there might be an "art room" in the OP's future.
"By any chance, does your wife have an art room? Or want one?" - Jazzlike_Adeptness_1
"Your wife is married but not to you. You're the third wheel, OP. Your wife's wife showed up on that trip, not her best friend." - stairs-to-nowhere
"NOR. Why are they soooo attached? It’s one thing to have a best friend, and it’s another to have your wife go behind your back and crash a couple's vacation."
"You sure they are just 'best friends'?" - terrika_has_spoken
"NOR, and I would ask your wife what and who is more important to her, you and your marriage, or a separation leading to divorce, so she can be with her friend. Your wife blindsided you and kept her friend's showing up as a secret, which is deceitful." - biteme77
"NOR, but is this the ‘Art Studio Best Friend’ story all over again??" - SixDuckies
"You organised a vacation with your wife; just the two of you. There is no need to state that you don't want her inviting anyone else, because if you wanted anyone else to go with you, you would have brought it up at the planning/booking stage, or she would have."
"Have you considered that you are actually the third wheel and not her friend!?"
"What to do? You could take the chance of asking if she's there to be your third, that you would be happy for her to join the two of you in a threesome, because you think she's attractive! That could cause jealousy that could result in your wife going out of her way to keep you apart."
"You'd also find out whether or not the two of them have already been intimate if it did happen. Or it could push them together, and result in you exiting the marriage."
"Seriously, you need to discuss with your wife why she invited her friend, because that's obviously what happened, and why she doesn't want to spend one-on-one time with just you."
"You need to set your boundaries out as a hill to die on, or your marriage will be seriously damaged, or over. NOR." - Conscious-Arm-7889
"NOR. Leave her with her wife. Go home. Start a new life. Be happy." - CheeseFearsMe
While the subReddit could see where the OP could have handled the situation better, like sharing his feelings with his wife long ago about how much time she was spending with her friend, and not yelling at her best friend when she showed up, they still completely understood why the OP was furious about the best friend showing up for a romantic vacation.
Her appearance at the romantic getaway was a massive overstep, and unless she and the OP's wife had something serious to tell the OP about their friendship, they needed to take a step back and realize how codependent their friendship was becoming.
As lovely as it is to have friends, there are limits, and when that friendship starts impeding on a marriage, it's time to reevaluate.
