When two people first get married, it's easy to assume that the happy couple is so excited to be married, and they simply cannot get enough of each other.
But even during the honeymoon phase, it's important to address a couple's potentially differing love languages, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor LA55O had just married her husband a few days prior to posting, and already, she was disappointed in her marriage because of how her honeymoon was going.
Despite her careful planning of the trip, which would give the couple a unique experience while enjoying each other's company, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt when her new husband repeatedly excused himself, effectively missing out on their holiday and ruining her plans.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being disappointed with how my honeymoon is going so far?"
The OP's honeymoon was not going as she had imagined.
"I (30s Female) got married (40s Male) a couple of days ago, and I’m now on my honeymoon, but I’m so disappointed and upset about how it is going so far."
"First, my now husband insisted on getting the honeymoon booked back in December because he was worried that all the nice places would be gone. He was doing it on Christmas Eve when I was already busy and a bit stressed, and I don’t really understand why it couldn’t wait a few days."
"I know he just really wanted to get a nice place for us, but because I was busy, I didn’t have much of a chance to have any input."
"I asked for two things: that it was secluded and had a nice view (we got married in a bit of a destination wedding six hours from where we live, because of the beautiful scenery)."
The OP was not happy with her husband's travel planning skills.
"We arrived yesterday, and he had booked a small cabin in someone’s garden with no view at all; we just looked onto the house."
"The inside is beautiful, and they are the pictures he’d shown me, but I had no idea it was in someone’s garden; he did know, however, and it’s just so far from being secluded. All the windows face the house, so the blinds have been constantly drawn because the windows are floor-to-ceiling, and everyone in the house can see us."
"There is a little garden that looks into the living room of the house, so we can’t even sit outside on our own. I am uncomfortable staying in places where the owner is so visible already because I feel a bit more watched and constricted, but especially when we are supposed to be on honeymoon."
"I walked into the place, and I was so disappointed that I cried. I hate crying and felt so bad, and he was really apologetic. I tried to get over it and move on and make the best of it."
A spa day didn't make the honeymoon any better.
"Today, to make up for the accommodation disaster, we decided to splurge on going to a spa with amazing views. We were both very excited about it, but when we got there, he spent most of his time on his own in the super hot saunas, which I can’t handle very well."
"I went into one with him and after 10 minutes, I got out, but he stayed in it for quite a while afterwards. He would join me for a few minutes in the pool or hot tub before disappearing into even hotter saunas. I asked him to come into a cooler one so we could sit on a cute swing together (it was a 45 °C room), but he wanted to go into the 90 °C one, which is just way too hot for me."
"So I waited in the cooler one, then got bored and went for a swim, and he still hadn’t come out. When he did eventually come out, he immediately went outside to jump into a colder pool. When he then came to find me, we did a face mask, and then I said I wanted to spend some time with him, and he said he wanted to go back into the 90 °C sauna."
"To spend some time with him, I went into it, but I just couldn’t stand it and had to get out, and he said he’d join me in a minute. 20 minutes later, he came out to spend time with me, but we only had 15 minutes left by this point in our experience."
"I just spent most of our three hours on my own watching couples being all cute together, and I was so sad. I cried in the car again! And I seriously never cry."
"He was apologetic and admitted he was being too independent and that he focused on his own needs and how he wanted to relax rather than thinking of it as a couple's activity on their honeymoon."
The OP was ready to give up on their honeymoon.
"He wants to make it up to me tomorrow, but I’m just so over it already. I just feel a bit stupid. I have been on a lot of holidays and even a different honeymoon, and I’ve never cried on any of them, even when things have gone disastrously wrong, but I’ve cried both days of our three-day mini-moon."
"I just feel like he has been really thoughtless and not taken what I want or ask for into consideration."
"So what do you think? Am I overreacting? If I am, I’ll apologise in the morning and try and make the last day into something nice!"
"Trying to think about it, he isn’t normally thoughtless. He definitely shows his love in a different way than I do, but we are good at navigating that normally. He shows his love in a very practical way by looking after me."
"So he will do things like cook most of the dinners and then pack me a lunch for work most days as well. Will always make sure we have ibuprofen because I get bad cramps and always forget to buy more until I have my next period. Will tidy the kitchen before going to bed, etc."
"He is super supportive and excited for me when I decide to try a new hobby, even if it’s an expensive one. I am much more affectionate, and I like spending time with him. I am pretty good at communicating my needs, though, and he normally listens and responds to them, so I don’t really know what happened today at all! I’ve been on holiday with him before, and I’ve not felt like this on any of them."
"Maybe it was just wedding stress and him needing to decompress in his own way (he is an introvert), but it just really sucked for me!"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that it sounded less like a problematic pattern and more like her husband had made a mistake.
"It sounds like this is a mistake rather than a pattern."
"Maybe part of why this feels so hurtful is because normally taking care of you is his way of expressing love for you? And right now, you feel uncared for?"
"Advice after ten years of marriage: Whatever the problem is, it's always the two of you against the problem. In this case, the problem is the bad honeymoon. How can you two come together to solve it?"
"Don't hide your feelings to avoid hurting him, but be kind and respectful in your communication. Focus on sharing your part, 'I feel x, I need y,' not blaming the other person for their part, 'you didn't do x, you always do y.'" - Careful-Avocado-2917
"If your relationship is normally good, I think you just need to communicate how much this disappointed you and how let down you feel. How he comes back from this is what matters." - fawningandconning
"OP said he’s an introvert, so I’m guessing he was using the sauna to decompress and reset. He was probably thinking that if he took some time to relax, he’d be better able to be present for the rest of the trip."
"But a spa day on a honeymoon isn’t the time to do that. Maybe if they were staying at a spa, he could have eked out a recovery day first and then joined her for the rest, especially if he’d communicated his needs to her." - 17Girl4Life
"He was worried all the good spots would be gone and he chose this? Does he know the people who own it? Why would he try to make it up at a fancy spa on your honeymoon just to spend the whole time by himself in a sauna he knew you couldn't join him on?"
"Something's missing or off. This is fucking weird and thoughtless. He is not acting even a little bit like he's on his honeymoon. Is he holding resentment over something that happened around Christmas? Is he trying to punish you?"
"Girl, this is f**king bizarre. Could be something bad, but I hope it's just the brain fart of the century." - J3SS1KURR
"I can understand your disappointment, but he sounds like a pretty good guy overall. This may not be the last time you're disappointed, but focus on the good. Partnerships are tough at the best of times, and life is full of disappointments."
"All will be well, I'm sure. Congratulations!" - Disenchanted2
Others agreed and thought maybe the happy couple needed a redo.
"We say that marriages are only a piece of paper, but they change everything. He may be showing his true colors, but I think it's more likely that he has been overwhelmed by the wedding, letting you down, and what can be the daunting prospect: merging your lives. Your description of him in the sauna sounds to me like an introvert trying to take back some control and get himself re-regulated or re-grounded."
"Are you still on your honeymoon? Can you rebook at another location? If you aren't there, can you plan another trip that you can do together and have a redo? You do need to talk this through. You're not wrong for feeling how you do, but this isn't the end of your relationship. It hasn't gone well, to say the least, but marriages have challenges and as great as those early days can be, they also can be really hard. How you both meet those challenges will hopefully let your relationship grow stronger." - jumpyjumparoo
"I think he's probably overwhelmed as well. Hard to say, none of us know him."
"But OP is saying this isn't a pattern, and he jumped to book the honeymoon on Christmas Eve, so it's entirely possible he's overthinking it, trying to make it perfect."
"What really needs to happen is communication. She should be talking to him about this, not us. It's impossible to say what's going on from here, but he can tell her." - Neveronlyadream
"Assuming positive intent, he could be processing and freaking out how badly he screwed up with the place. Some people can’t show those emotions easily, so maybe he’s stepping away periodically as he’s moving through it. To think he disappointed his wife on something he put a lot of time into must be tough. Don’t apologize, it was just a bad miss on his part, but your feelings are valid." - DRangelfire
"NOR. It sounds terrible tbh. I wouldn't want to be on display in someone's garden, either."
"But the super hot sauna thing for SO long, and repeatedly, I'm not sure that's healthy... Are you sure your new husband wasn't replaced by one of those alien lizard people we keep hearing about? I'm sorry to joke, but, girl, that's... very odd and concerning to me."
"And wanting to spend THAT much time BY YOURSELF. On YOUR HONEYMOON. Because it's HIS honeymoon too. (Or it was until he was swapped with an alien. LOL. Sorry.)"
"You definitely need a do-over. I hope he's able to make it up to you." - mkate1999
"Is it about the honeymoon, or is it that you hoped that he would somehow change how he usually is towards you because you are married now, and this is actually just highlighting how you feel generally in your relationship? ie Does he always "help" in ways that are convenient to him rather than waiting for you to discuss it together, or not do what you ask for/listen to or compromise with your needs, or communicates in a way that's dismissive?"
"See what happens tomorrow, there's no point not making the best of things/trying to have a nice time together, and maybe save a bigger conversation for a time that's less emotionally intense. If it's completely out of character and unexpected, I would personally want to just wipe the slate clean, chalk it up to stress (this is why we eloped, no planning whatsoever!), and make a plan for a nice first-year anniversary instead. NOR." - MoonlitNightWalk
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thank you, everyone who weighed in, the supportive ones and the critical ones! I enjoyed reading your comments, even if you call me bratty."
"We had a good conversation late last night. We definitely went to the spa with different intentions; he went with the relaxation mentality after the wedding (introvert recharge definitely needed), whereas I went with the couple experience idea in my head."
"I apologised for not making my wants/needs clearer, and he apologised for not listening properly in the spa when I asked for some time together at the end."
"He is definitely an acts of service guy and can be very independent, which I’m fine with, because he is normally responsive when I ask him for a bit of time, he just missed the cue yesterday!"
"By the time I’d woken up, he’d been searching for options of stuff for us to do together and he offered to pay for another spa experience himself, which I thanked him for but refused because I don’t want him spending a bunch of money on me and really I just want the time together. We don’t need to be somewhere fancy for it!"
"So we ended up having breakfast in bed, then walking to the place that he proposed last year to me (which is why we chose to get married here). It was pouring with rain, but fun anyway! We then got some delicious food for lunch."
"So nothing dramatic, we aren’t breaking up, and we will definitely be booking all accommodation together from now on!! Thank you all!"
It's amazing what a brief conversation can accomplish and how much damage a little bit of misunderstanding can do. Because the couple went into the honeymoon wanting different things, they almost set their marriage off on the wrong foot. But after talking about what htey both needed to feel loved and fulfilled, they would end their honeymoon on a loving note.
