We can't always see the diamond in the rough for what it is.
But when someone else sees the potential and puts the work in to dig it out and help it shine, it would be better for us to be happy for them instead of jealous, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Bulky-Scale-7830 had played along when she and her husband bought a house, and her stepdaughter wanted to pick the bedroom that would belong to her.
But after a decade of one bedroom acting like a storage room, she decided to do something with it and renovate it into something lovely for herself.
When her stepdaughter was jealous that she'd renovated the room that she had passed up as a child, and even demanded that it be her room instead, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that her stepdaughter and husband could not be happy for her.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by not wanting to give my stepdaughter the room I finished renovating?"
The OP's stepdaughter chose the room that she wanted to grow up in.
"In 2017, my husband and I bought a house."
"Initially, Susan (now 16) was assigned to 'room A.' However, after a week of living there, she started complaining that she could hear every sound from our neighbor, who was partying a lot at the time. She also didn't like that her window faced a forest, and besides the neighbor's house, all she could see was darkness and trees at night."
"We ended up moving her to 'room B.'"
After more than a decade, the OP decided to convert 'Room A' from a storage room to something for her.
"Room A has been empty ever since, turning into a bit of a storage room."
"At the end of last year, I decided to take care of it and, using only my savings."
"I did a huge renovation. I replaced the windows, soundproofed the walls, etc., etc."
"I also bought new furniture, painted the walls, laid a carpet, replaced the lamp, etc., etc."
"Now it looks like a very cozy library, office, and little living room. And I love it."
Susan was very jealous of the transformation of Room A.
"But Susan isn't happy, and as soon as I started renovating, she started demanding that I give her the room back."
"Suddenly, she started claiming that her own room was too small (it's bigger than mine and my husband's, and the same size as our other two children)."
"She said she hated that all she could see through her bedroom window was a brick wall instead of the forest."
"She also said that it wasn't fair that I'd taken a room 'for myself' that had its own walk-in closet and so on."
The OP wanted to stand up for herself and keep the room.
"My husband is on her side, but I think it's unfair."
"My husband has two rooms in the basement to himself, one he converted into a gym and the other into a work office."
"Our children (7 Female, 12 Male, and Susan, 16 Female) have larger rooms than our bedroom, and much of the garden and main living room are converted for their needs. I don't have a space of my own that isn't also for them."
"Furthermore, neither my husband nor Susan's mother paid a penny for the entire renovation. I did everything myself."
"So I told my husband that if he cared so much, he should give Susan one of his rooms, but neither he nor Susan liked the idea, and now they're both mad at me."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some immediately called Susan out for only wanting the room after it had been renovated.
"This is giving toddler vibes from an almost grown young lady... so you're telling me she DID ABSOLUTELY NOT want that room until YOU were going to use it. I hate to bring it into conversation, but y'all the adults, and they the kids!"
"Everything you guys do is literally for them. So it sounds like she can most definitely get over it, so can dad! Way to speak when you have to escape rooms for yourself, but your wife can't have a foot? But letting the KID take the mile? Weird." - nasta96
"It’s not like Susan doesn’t have a room, is sleeping on the living room couch, and OP took the spare room for herself instead of giving Susan a room."
"Susan has a room, the room SHE chose, the one she demanded instead of Room A. It’s time for a number of people in that house to grow up and stop playing at 'yours is nicer than mine, give it to me!'" - BecGeoMom
"He has two rooms, and you have one. Tell him that his daughter previously complained about your room, and now that it has been redecorated, she wants it. Tell him point-blank that you will not give up your one room while he hogs two rooms."
"He can give up one of his rooms for HIS daughter and move his crap from one of his rooms to the room she will be vacating." - content_great_gramma
"Hubby and Susan both watched OP remodel that room. She soundproofed the walls, which was not a weekend project."
"They knew exactly what she was doing and, I suspect, who was paying for it."
:When she was done, all the hard work, physical labor, and money spent, suddenly they both decided that it should be Susan’s room."
"I suspect this happens to OP a lot in that marriage, which is why they expect her to capitulate. I hope she doesn’t." - Scenarioing
"Susan thinks it 'isn't fair' that you took a room for yourself in a house that you own? That's pretty bratty behavior, even for a 16-year-old. What's even worse, though, is that your husband isn't on your side."
"Why does he think Susan is entitled to the room that you put so much work into to make your space, despite the fact that she already has what sounds like a perfectly acceptable space of her own?"
"That's the biggest issue I see here, in addition to what sounds like his not standing up to his daughter in the face of her unreasonable demands as a parent should." - ww_adh77
Others also pointed out that it was time for the OP to have a space of her own after nine years of waiting.
"This is really concerning. Sounds like OP is just used to putting her own needs far, far behind everyone else's if she thinks she might be OR just for wanting a little space to herself." - HoldFastO2
"The room has been unused for nine years. At any time, Susan could have asked whether it could be renovated for her use. And husband/Susan's Dad absolutely could have done it over the past nine years, since he had no problem making two rooms for himself."
"I assume this wasn't a "surprise" where one day everyone came home, and the room was completely transformed. They waited until they saw the finished product and then demanded it for themselves. Like the story 'The Little Red Hen,' where the Hen says she's going to make bread and asks everyone for help, and they all say, 'No,' but then when the bread is hot from the oven, all of a sudden, they all show up wanting a slice."
"However, teens are weird, and it sounds like you have skills. Maybe offer to help her renovate her room or give her a small budget (if your finances are shared or have husband give her money) to update her space." - Roanaward-2022
"I think the bigger concern is...why does nobody seem to care that you're taking up as little space as possible, finally taking a room for yourself, and now being asked for more?"
"NOR, but I would consider this for your own mental health: why isn't your husband sticking up for you when you sunk your own money and time into this room (that she abandoned, mind you), and now you suddenly have to give it back now that it's nicer?"
"Is he going to pay you back? Is he going to give you one of his rooms?"
"Why don't you get a space to yourself?" - NegotiationLanky436
"NTA. Because when you're successfully married, there is no 'yours,' 'mine,' and 'ours'... at least not verbally. It becomes 'ours,' unless they have a prenup. When OP chose to put her money into their home, it increased their net value."
"But OP is NTA, and she is entitled to keeping her room. She didn't design it for the teenager. She put her efforts, creativity, time, and energy into making herself a woman cave."
"Stepdaughter has already made her choice. Just because she thinks she's entitled to cherry-pick her room doesn't mean she gets it. If the teenager and darling husband want to renovate the teenager's bedroom, they are welcome to do so." - Tight_Steak_232
"We home-schooled, and now that my youngest is done with it, I am slowly turning the room we used (what would have been the separate living room) into 'my' room that will be a combination office, library, and craft room."
"They prefer to game in their rooms so they can chat with friends, and I was more than happy to let them. Their posters came down, and my paintings went up. Tomorrow I'm disassembling one of the desks so I can eventually move a big chair into the space, and put up a stand for my LEGO Botanticals sets."
"They are happy for me because they realise I'm the only one who doesn't have any space to myself. I'd prefer it if there was a way to block it off a bit more - no doors, just a big double opening - but I'll take what I can get." - popchex
Some took a more petty approach and urged the OP to tell her husband to help her stepdaughter renovate her room, since she clearly wanted something new.
"Give the stepdaughter a dollar and tell her to go buy some creativity."
"I would have so much fun with that window facing a brick wall! I would not put curtains on that window; instead, I would put a frame around the window and then find kitschy, weird artwork to hang on both sides of the window. Have my own little crazy museum wall."
"But I'm weird like that." - simplyirresponsible
"NOR. OP needs to tell her husband that the stepdaughter was given the first choice of room A or B. She chose Room B."
"You took the lesser room. Your husband needs to stand up for you."
"If he won't, present him with the bill for the remodel and the estimated cost for upgrading room B. Tell him and your stepdaughter that when your husband writes you a check to cover the cost, you will take room B. That makes her father the bad guy." - Interesting-Long-534
"NOR. Both Susan and your husband can have a fun time renovating a room for her with their money and sweat." - m00n_p1ll0t
"I mean, I'm a contrarian a**hole, so I would give the room back... After I removed every single upgrade that was done to it, and moved them to Susan's (now mine!) current room."
"Shelving? Gone. Screw patching the attachment holes, either. Curtains, furniture, and light fixtures, all move with me."
"H**l, I'd take a weekend just to steam the new wallpaper off and paint the walls exactly how they used to be."
"Enjoy your old room, Susan, it's just like you left it." - MLockeTM
"The way I would fully factory reset this room, even if it meant hiring someone to do it."
"I have never been so angry on behalf of a complete stranger in my entire life."
"Seriously, if OP is forced to back down, she should remove everything from that room that isn’t red hot or nailed down and put it into a storage unit. (It will come in handy for after the divorce.)" - 1Kflowers
As much as it might make sense that a teen girl would want a beautiful, newly renovated room, it was totally her choice to pick the room she did and look at it while the OP did something with the space more than a decade later.
This had become a passion project for the OP and something that only she had spent money and time on, and if Susan wanted something like that, she could learn a thing or two about saving money and putting in the physical effort.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp