Oh, the things people do for love.
It can often call for great personal sacrifice.
Moving across town for love can be a HUGE step in a relationship.
Moving across the world?
Is there even a scale that can measure that?
Redditor PuzzleheadedGold6362 found herself in a dilemma regarding the future of her relationship, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"WIBTAH if I refused to move countries with my partner unless we were married?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I’m 27 F[emale], and my partner is 36 M[ale]."
"We’re in a serious relationship, and he might move back to his home country soon."
"He was upfront about this from the start."
"When we first started dating, we decided not to make it a problem yet, because at that point, we didn’t even know if we liked each other enough for it to matter... lol."
"But now we do like each other a lot, and the relationship is pretty serious."
"Apart from this whole uncertainty thing, everything is honestly going really well."
"We’re happy, I love him very much, and we’re pretty aligned on the relationship itself and what we want in the future, especially when it comes to family."
"He hasn’t pressured me, but he does clearly want me to come with him if he leaves."
"He keeps saying he would love for me to move with him, or wherever he ends up, but only if I actually wanted to."
"He’s being very chill about it."
"He invited me to visit his family, and he’s also been connecting me with friends of his who work in my field so I can get a better idea of what my career could look like there."
"I’ve also been thinking about moving abroad myself anyway, so it’s not like moving countries is some crazy new idea to me."
"I already live abroad, too."
"The issue is that where he would likely move is way harder legally/practically than the places I was considering for myself."
"I haven’t told him this yet, and I don’t really plan to unless the move becomes a real, concrete thing, because I don’t want to pressure him."
"I want him to choose what he wants for his own life."
"If I’m not part of that, then I’ll walk away."
"But privately, I’ve realized that I don’t think I would move countries with him unless we were married, or had some equivalent legal commitment."
"My friends and mom think this is unreasonable because we’ve only been together for about a year, and marriage is a lot to expect."
"They also say it sounds like an ultimatum or a desperate move."
"But to me, moving countries for someone is also a huge move."
"If it ever got to the point where I told him this, I wouldn’t mean 'marry me or else.'”
"I’d mean, 'this is the only way I’d feel safe making this kind of life change.'”
"He would be completely free to say no, and then I’d be completely free to not move and let the relationship go."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTAH if I refused to move countries with my partner unless we were married?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Hey, OP! I guess I'm in a similar situation as you - I'm from the EU, he's from the US."
"I moved countries within the EU for him as a G[irl]F[riend] (like yourself, I was already open to living someplace else)."
"We're doing great, it's a nice test drive before any actually life-changing decisions."
"That said, the only way I'm moving to the US with him is on a 'fiancée' or spousal visa - so either an engagement (with all the paperwork included) or a wedding/elopement needs to happen first."
"I have zero interest in fending for myself in that regard, especially with the current climate in the US being so hostile to immigrants - I'm not interested in trying to get a worker permit/green card or overstaying my E[lectronic] S[ystem] for T[ravel] A[uthorization]."
"We had this conversation pretty early on, as things became more solid/serious."
"It's not an ultimatum on my part, and it wouldn't be on yours; it's rational planning."
"And that's even besides the conversation about sacrifice and commitment - moving continents is a big deal and a show of commitment."
"Marriage would be his way to show you his. NTA." ~ potatoe_princess
"NTA. It’s your life, your decision." ~ CptKUSSCryAllTheTime
"It's a massive life change, not a weekend trip."
"Moving countries for a partner without any legal or long-term commitment is a huge financial and professional risk, especially with a 9-year age gap."
"OP is just looking out for her own stability, which is completely smart." ~ Tryingmybest681
"I mean, yes… but did you not get the feeling that they really are not all that serious?"
"Barely been together for a year."
"And he doesn’t seem that pressed for her to even go with him."
"Instead of thinking marriage is the solution, OP should be considering it as a long-distance or potentially the end of this fledgling relationship." ~ MallTough5847
"Yeah, it seems like a casual or at least not very serious relationship."
"He’s planning/discussing his next life goal and basically saying, by the way, if you wanna go, you can, but no pressure."
"I don’t think OP would be the AH for not wanting to go unless married, but it really doesn’t seem like this couple is anywhere near the marriage phase."
"It’s almost like she’s discussing getting a puppy or something."
"When the tone is we like each other just fine… marriage should not even be a thought." ~ MallTough5847
"NTA. You're just being sensible." ~ carmelfan
"It's just basic risk management at this point."
"Uprooting your entire life, career, and support system for someone you've been with for a year is a massive gamble; wanting a legal safety net before taking that kind of leap isn't crazy, it's just smart." ~ Tryingmybest681
"NTA! Moving internationally is a huge ask for a partner."
"Being asked to move to a country currently devouring itself is downright close to insane."
"I don't blame you for wanting the security of a marriage."
"That said, I think there is a whole host of potential issues that a marriage won't help you with."
"For example, how about job prospects?
"Don't forget that in the US, your health insurance is tied to your job."
"Your partner might be able to transfer you to his, but some companies can have weird restrictions for partners, duration of residence, and terms of your visa."
"A gap on your resume can also be a big issue if you've newly acquired a residence."
"Not to mention the carry-on issues of not having retirement funds paid into, etc."
"Beyond that, I'd strongly suggest you not go to the US given the current political climate."
"It's just incredibly unstable."
"For a woman, in particular, it is a potentially scary proposition even in Blue states."
"Marriage may help in some respects, but in others, not at all."
"Especially if children might be in the future." ~ backseat_adventurer
"NTA. And as someone who moved to my spouse's country, I feel I should point out that in many (most?) places you wouldn't even be legally allowed to live there if you're not married, unless you got a work visa." ~ Josefu_Velen
"I wanted the same with my now fiancé."
"I'm about to move to America from London for him, I think asking for marriage to show commitment to your relationship is only the same as you moving countries for him."
"It's a very big thing; you just want to feel as secure as possible before you make a big decision."
"A very normal thing!"
"I'm lucky we both wanted it from the start, so just try to have an open conversation with him."
"I'm not sure what countries you are from, but in a lot of cases, to obtain a visa to become a permanent resident, it does end up in marriage for couples anyway." ~ Shaymin096
"NTA, but to be honest, not a very smart move to go to the country of a partner you have only dated for one year and are legally tied to him."
"You are looking for a divorce; you don't know the law." ~ Chocolatecandybar_
"You are correct to want a wedding ring before moving countries for this guy."
"I wouldn’t even move to a different state (say, from Pennsylvania to Virginia) for a guy unless we were married."
"I have a friend who moved from Richmond, Virginia, to NYC for a guy who wasn’t ready to marry her, and it turned out badly."
"And moving countries, even if both are in the EU, is an even bigger commitment." ~ Prestigious-Pear627
OP came back to chat...
"Some people seem to think I’m naive and believe I can just move countries easily, or that I’m saying we should get married next month."
"That’s not it."
"I know this would be a hard and complicated process."
"I’m willing to go through that, even if it takes time and even if it means doing long-distance for a while before we can actually be together."
"I didn’t mention timelines because that’s not really the point for me."
"The point is: if I’m uprooting my life for someone, and when the time comes, I say I need a real commitment before doing that, does that make me the AH?"
Most of Reddit understands your concerns, OP.
And they seem to be with you.
This is a MASSIVE life step.
Moving can be a sacrifice.
Having security surrounding a big move isn't a lot to ask for.
Good Luck.
