The average cost of wedding photos in the United States ranges from $2,500 to $4,500. Most couples spend around $3,000 to $3,800 for standard professional coverage lasting 6 to 8 hours.
The low end is about $1,000 for a digital only package. The high end has no real limit.
With such a major expense, couples, with their photographer, try to organize as much as possible and make sure their wishes are well known. But what if family members, friends, other guests, or members of the wedding party decide they want a custom photo that isn't on the bride or groom's list?
A newly married bride turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over that issue.
Playful-Cat-8738 asked:
"AITA for asking our wedding photographer to remove a family photo from our gallery after my mother-in-law (MIL) specifically asked for it?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (25, male) and I (26, female) recently got married, and there has been tension between me and his family for years. I won’t unpack all of the history, but I’ve often felt like I’m tolerated as his partner rather than actually viewed as part of their family."
"Because of that history, my husband and I specifically discussed family formals before the wedding. We agreed we wanted BOTH of us included in the formal family portraits."
"If we took photos with my family, he was included. If we took photos with his family, I was included. We were getting married, and we wanted the portraits to reflect that."
"To be clear, I do NOT expect to be in every photo my husband takes with his family. I don’t care if he takes pictures alone with his mom or siblings. This was specifically about the formal portraits at our wedding and what they represented."
"There was one grouping we specifically did not want: my husband, his mom and siblings without me. Our photographer knew this."
"I was there for basically all of the family formals, but stepped inside briefly to get a drink. During the few minutes I was gone, that exact photo was taken."
"Fast forward to receiving our wedding gallery. We posted some photos online, and my MIL called asking if we’d gotten the gallery back, despite clearly knowing we had."
"She asked for the link and specifically said she wanted the photo of herself with all of her children.The ONE formal family photo I wasn’t in."
"That already bothered me, but something my bridesmaid told me after the wedding made it worse. She had been helping organize family photos and told my MIL she was needed for another picture."
"MIL didn’t want to take it without all of her children, which is completely fair. But she pointed toward me and said, 'Well, I already took pictures with that girl'."
"'That girl' being her son’s wife, at our wedding.That’s why this isn’t about needing to be in every picture. It’s not really about the picture at all. It’s the principle."
"I wanted to feel valued enough that my husband’s family would WANT me in their family portrait. Instead, I’m being referred to as 'that girl' and the photo my MIL specifically wanted from our wedding was the one formal family portrait where I wasn’t included."
"In any other context, I wouldn’t think twice about a mom wanting a photo with her children. But given the history, her comment, and the fact that my husband and I had specifically agreed we didn’t want that grouping at our wedding, it felt different."
"So after she asked for it, I contacted our photographer and had the photo removed from the online gallery. I know it was petty."
"The photo exists, and I’m obviously not saying my husband can never take a picture with his family without me. I just don’t want that particular photo in our wedding gallery when it represents the exact dynamic that has made me feel excluded for years."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I was so frustrated that my husband did this. His mom tends to stong arm everyone, so I don't blame him for it. I'm sure she steamrolled over everyone and it just kind of happened, but yeah, I definitely wasn’t happy about it."
"It was a crisis management move. My husband has stood up for me so many times in the past and during some really difficult issues with his family."
"He's created boundaries, has stuck to them, and has created distance. He always asks me how I feel and he really IS a good partner. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't stand up for me."
"Wedding days are stressful, they move fast and sometimes you don't have a second to think about what you're doing because you get pulled in a million directions. I genuinely think it was just appeasement in the moment and deal with deleting later."
"He is also planning to call his mom this week to explain why that made the BOTH of us upset."
"He's an amazing man and has stuck up for me SOOOOO many times in the past. He has talked to his mom multiple times on my behalf and put her in line, so I fully believe he is capable. I think this was an unfortunate mistake."
"We're definitely having convos about it. He's too much of a pushover sometimes."
"I was so frustrated that he didn’t just say no. But his mom can definitely be manipulative and strong arm situations, so I understand how it happened because she steam rolls me all the time, too. It's hard to put your foot down with her."
"Frustrated that it happened, but in full support that a blow up argument didn’t ruin our wedding. I know if she was told no there would have been a massive tantrum."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA, but why did your husband allow the photo when you both agreed to no photos without you as a couple? His mother wont accept you until your husband makes it clear she must show you more respect to gain access to him." ~ Mean-Confidence3477
"NTA, if she wants formal family photos without you she can do them somewhere that’s not your wedding and not on your dime." ~ Addicted-2-books
"NTA, based on the history and what happened at your wedding. What if you have children? Will she always ask for a photo with your husband and child(ren) and not you? I'm petty, so I'd make sure I was in every single photo she gets." ~ decaf3milk
"I mean this with all the love in the world, you will get nowhere with your MIL if your husband isn’t 100% on your side."
"There’s a sub in here that I read sometimes called 'Just No MIL' and you should spend some time there and see what problems are on your horizon."
"I’m blessed beyond reason and have a lovely MIL who is amazing, HOWEVER a previous relationship had nightmare in-laws and I often read that and think I’m so pleased that other relationship didn’t work out." ~ Substantial_Ad_2033
"NTA, but you have a husband problem if he was specifically in that photo after your discussions. That needs to be a bigger discussion here—why did he get into that photo knowing the agreement?" ~ neverforthefall
"Yeah, especially when it's most important NOT to be a pushover. What was his apology like and how is he making up for it? What is his plan to keep his mother in line? He'd better have a good one since he already failed you once pretty badly." ~ inductiononN
"His being 'a pushover sometimes' has given his family permission to treat you like crap so he doesn’t have to take any. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s got your back." ~ PinkyLizardBrains
"I have some sympathy. I find it very hard to stand up to my mum. I can say no over and over, but she is a much stronger person than me and I often lose even if I don't want to."
"The husband may be a pushover now, but that doesn't make him a sh*t husband and a bad person since OP said she gives in too. He's just someone that is still learning and growing."
"Since neither one can successfully stand up to her, it sounds like their path to happiness is limiting or eliminating contact with his mother until she changes her behavior." ~ KallamaHarris
"Why are you making excuses for him? He’s a grown man. He chose to take a picture without you. Mommy didn’t make him do anything. He’s the reason the photo exists and he’s the reason why you are upset."
"I hope the photo was actually deleted and not just removed from the gallery. Otherwise mommy can just ask for it and he'll get it for her." ~ Ok_Tonight_3703
"As much as I think it’s important for your husband to stand up for you and stick to boundaries, a wedding is an intense and emotional day where people want to avoid drama in the moment. If you genuinely look back at his pattern of behavior and think this is not a recurring issue, then I believe you."
"I think people online really like to talk about how they would react perfectly in the moment and how anyone who doesn’t is a loser who should be dumped. I think there’s probably a tiny bit more nuance, but people are probably frustrated because so many people do make excuses for their spouses who don’t stand up for them, so there’s a bit of an overcorrection."
"But it really can’t happen again. This needs to be the final straw. I suggest low contact or no contact with every member of his family who doesn't show you the proper respect. Make them earn their way back into your lives." ~ Raccoonsr29
"Going along with MIL's bullsh*t and then deleting the photo seems like a better option than ruining a once-in-a-lifetime event by having a huge fight or tantrum after the wedding but before the reception (when most formal photos are taken) or before the wedding (an even worse time!)."
"Husband still can (and should) stand up for his wife after the weddding by telling mom there's no photo because he doesn't want to pay for any from his wedding without his wife in them and that HE told the photographer to delete and destroy it." ~ MamaOwlInGlasses
OP and her new husband both have trouble saying no to his mother and making it stick. Maybe stepping away from the situation is the best solution.
