It's so easy to hurt another person's feelings.
People may not have malicious intent, but it still happens.
And when it does happen the injured party usually just wants an explanation or an apology.
But not everybody is on board to acquiesce.
Redditor MaximumReflection886 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for asking why I was left off a family photo collage?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My I[n]-L[aws] are celebrating their 30th anniversary."
"My wife and all her siblings decided to get a large framed photo collage for them as a present."
"The collage, of course, has their wedding pictures and pictures of my wife and her siblings as children."
"The collage also includes the most recent group photo of their whole family together at our wedding back in April."
"Additionally, the collage also has (separate) pictures of her three married brothers with their wives and children, and a picture of her recently engaged brother and his fiancée."
"However, there is no picture of me and my wife, nor do I appear in any of the group pictures, not even in the family picture from our wedding."
"I brought this to my wife's attention, and her immediate and annoyed-sounding response was, 'It's not about you. It's about my parents and my family and the grandkids.'"
"I said, 'I understand, and I'm not saying it's about me, but I'm wondering, if there are pictures of your married brothers with their wives, shouldn't there also be one of us?'"
"Her response was, 'It's not about my married brothers and their wives, it's to show off the grandkids!'"
"Okay. What about the pic of [newly engaged brother] and [fiancée]? There's no grandkids to show off there...'"
"At this point my wife gets upset. 'You know, you're really annoying me right now. My siblings and I worked really hard to put this together, and now you have to make it ALLLL about you and the fact that you're not on it. Grow up. You'll be in other pictures in the future.'"
"Now truthfully, I don't really care that much about not being in the collage, but I am feeling very hurt and frustrated by my wife's response."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Seems like an intentional decision."
"Multiple people put thought into the photo selections."
"Surely, your name came up during the selection process."
"Surely, photos you were in were available for selection, yet vetoed from the collage. Why?"
"Your wife isn't telling you why."
"She knows the reason."
"I'm guessing either you kinda know the reason too, but she doesn't want to get into it or confirm your suspicions." ~ RaeKn47
"Yes, she knows why and that's why she's getting defensive."
"Or it was news to her and she's embarrassed about it and trying to protect her family rather than back you up. NTA!" ~ Virtual_Library_3443
"Agreed. Either way, she is clearly willing to throw OP overboard in favor of her family."
"She clearly doesn't care that her family doesn't include OP in anything when the others in similar circumstances were."
"No one can be that dense." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"This happened to me."
"My wife had the family Easter pictures... without me."
"She left me a year after for my 'Best Friend.'"
"NTA, but I would suggest a deep conversation." ~ FredTheLostEdition
"Feels like your wife went from 0 to 60 really, really fast."
"And she obviously didn't like you pointing out all the flaws in her defense."
"This doesn't look good."
"There is obviously a reason you were left out."
"And make no mistake, you were left out on purpose."
"And your wife knows why."
"She needs to tell you."
"The cynic in me believes that you might not be a member of this family in time, and your wife is ensuring that there is no permanent reminder of you in something that will obviously be on display in a prime location. NTA." ~ SoImaRedditUserNow
"NTA. Maybe she's planning a divorce and doesn't want a reminder if you are in the collage." ~ RandomReddit9791
"Make sure you give her parents an 8x10 picture of just you for Xmas. NTA." ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
"NTA and I think the way you approached the topic was totally fine."
"I think your wife is being defensive because she knows she messed up and doesn't want to own it." ~ Snapdragon5180
"NTA. I'd be surprised too, especially when the recent 'whole family' picture was at OUR wedding and I wasn't in it."
"My husband would absolutely be getting asked the same thing." ~ dresses_212_10028
"NTA. I don't know what is going on in your wife's head, but two things stand out..."
"First, she was involved in choosing the pictures, yet either didn't think to include your photo, or deliberately excluded you."
"Either you were not on her mind to be included as a family even though her brother's new fiancée was, or she (and/or her siblings) deliberately wanted you excluded for some reason."
"Second, her reaction was extreme."
"Not apologetic in the slightest, but instead antagonistic and accusatory."
"Whether you weren't on her mind at all when she put the collage together, or whether you were deliberately excluded, she doesn't have any sympathy for your feelings."
"For her, the image of the family she wants to present to her parents doesn't include you, and you even pointing out your absence has her treating you with disdain."
"Something is very wrong here." ~ kurokomainu
"NTA. Hey OP, I'm sorry this happened to you."
"It really sucks."
"My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] once gave my mother a carefully curated calendar with photos of the 'whole family' across the months - my brothers, their partners, and children."
"I got one page, and my long-term partner was nowhere to be seen. Just me."
"I was so upset about it, brought it up, just to be told, why are you making this a big deal?"
"You know how they are."
"Why are you making it about you?"
"Well, because it is a big deal."
"It's hurtful and sucky, ignorant at best and malicious at worst."
"It's not how a family should behave."
"Even more so in your case - your wife was involved!"
"Whatever the reason, whether it was forgetful ignorance or something else, it was a shitty thing for her and them to do."
"Don't let them tell you you're making a big deal out of nothing."
"This is very much something and you are completely in the right here."
"In my case, it was just another piece of a terrible family dynamic that hurt me for years."
"I really hope you have better luck than I did."
"You're NTA, but everyone else here truly sucks." ~ hits-and-misses
"I don't know man, this seems really suss to me."
"I don't want to jump to the knee-jerk 'divorce is in the air' conclusion that so often happens on Reddit, but to put it bluntly, I don't feel like your wife loves you."
"I've been on both sides of being in a relationship where one person just really wasn't in love but was going through the motions, and also seen it play out with people close to me."
"I have a pretty keen sense now for when one partner just low-key hates the other person and this feels like that."
"The fact that she didn't even include you in a single photo, including the one from YOUR WEDDING, and then got mad at you for bringing this up is really alarming."
"If I had genuinely done this on accident to my husband, whom I adore, I would be so apologetic and feel so embarrassed and guilty about it."
"You guys just got married this year!"
"You should still be in your honeymoon phase, and she should be happy to show off a cute picture of you from your wedding!"
"I think you guys need to have a serious heart-to-heart because it sounds like this woman low-key hates you."
"NTA of course." ~ Fearless_Lychee_6050
"NTA. Her reaction is super sus."
"I would sit her down and explore this further, but later when you're alone."
"She might've been short with you because she realized her mistake in front of everyone or it could be intentional, but you're gonna have to ask, possibly even push the issue, to get an answer."
"Any non-answer dismissal of your questions or making you the bad guy for asking is not acceptable."
"If she still won't give you a proper response, that might be more telling than anything, so do with that whatever you see appropriate, whether that's suggesting therapy, temporarily separating, or consulting a lawyer for a divorce." ~ Le-Deek-Supreme
"NTA-to be honest it would bother me too!!"
"I'm surprised by your wife and her reaction!!!"
"I'm in the same boat… not one picture of me in the home."
"Every in-law, child, and grandchildren… none of me."
"There's a wall of family weddings… not one photo of my wedding to their son!!!"
"It hurts!!!"
"I no longer care shows how ugly people can be!!"
"My children reached an age and found this very upsetting —that hurt the worst that I couldn't shield them from the ugliness!!!" ~ Withoutadoubt3
"NTA for asking, but I smell missing reasons because it's pretty obvious that her family doesn't like you."
"And you probably already know why, or at least have an inkling, because I really doubt this is the first time your in-laws have done something to exclude you." ~ coccopuffs606
"NTA... this overreaction and immediate 0-60 aggressive behavior to shut you down is a very non-subtle tactic of people who want to make you think you're crazy/wrong and shut down the conversation... because usually they know that what they did was wrong."
"Classic defensiveness."
"If she really didn't realize she did this I'm sure she would have understood your side and been nice about it and taken responsibility and apologized. Very odd."
"Do you think maybe she might be thinking about leaving you?"
"That would make the most sense. Don't put you in because you're not going to be around for long." ~ RowdyRoddyPipeSmoker
"NTA... my stepmum made a photo book for my brother's 21st, and she proudly showed it to me."
"One of the pages was my wedding day, and another was my daughter's birth, and there wasn't a single photo of me."
"When I bought it up, I had similar responses such as 'we can't fit everyone in.'"
"But I was hurt because of how much effort they must have made to find pictures from my wedding day that didn't include me."
"In the end, it proved I didn't matter to my stepmom, I didn't count as family."
"And I think that's what your in-laws are showing to you."
"And your wife's dismissal of your concerns just doubles down." ~ Always_a_goody
"NTA, maybe your wife forgot about you or didn't advocate for you being in the collage like the other siblings did with their partners, and now that you have raised the issue she is lashing out and blaming you for it." ~ lord_buff74
"NTA. She sounds like she hates you, dude."
"That's really odd that you are the only one not in the collage."
"Especially because they used pics from the wedding."
"I'm curious for an update after they are given the gift."
"See if they notice, or if your wife says something mean, then they notice, OR if you are close with someone that's gonna be there, talk to them and if they feel that's weird get them to look when everyone is looking at it and say hey 'I don't see YOUR NAME' and watch the parents reaction."
"Maybe they hate you too. 🤷♂️." ~ Andyoh88
"NTA... this actually just happened to my family but when we told the person who made the collage she immediately ordered a separate thing with the missing family members to be given to my grandma."
"That's not a normal response, and I'm so sorry I would be hurt by that too." ~ lavender-lover
"NTA- just by the way she got so defensive about it shows it was deliberate."
"I've cut out significant others because they weren't involved in our family as siblings or I just didn't like them."
"It's almost always intentional."
"If it's not then I simply rectify the mistake there and then." ~ Down_Shifting
Reddit is with you, OP.
Nobody wants to be left out of special occasions.
At the very least, she could show you a little understanding.
You may need to have a serious chat with her about why you're so upset.
She doesn't seem to truly understand that it's not about the collage, it's about how she dismissed you.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp