In a crisis, one is told family will always be there to help.
That may not always be true.
And often, people need to weigh the heft of the emergency before helping.
That can cause some problems.
Case in point...
Redditor SquarePoint4234 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling my husband unreasonable for canceling the holiday trip just because me and the kids couldn't help him in an emergency?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have been together for 4 years."
"I have two kids (17 M[ale] /19 F[emale])."
"And their half brother is 3 years old."
"This past week, my husband had an emergency (dad had a medical emergency) and wanted someone to watch our son."
"He asked my older son and he refused because he was going out with friends. he also asked my daughter but she locked herself in her room to study."
"I was at the restaurant with my brother meeting his girlfriend for the first time."
"My husband ended up taking our son with him to the hospital and his mom watched him from there."
"He came home and was lashing out on everybody."
"Calling us selfish and unfeeling."
"I tried to explain that the kids were busy but he told me to get the f**k out with that bull because my older son could've skipped the hangout and watched his brother."
"And, my daughter could've watched her brother while studying instead of locking herself in her room."
"He scolded me as well but I told him I couldn't leave lunch with my brother since he was visiting town and this was my only chance to meet his girlfriend."
"He yelled some more, then told us that he was canceling the family holiday trip for Christmas this year."
"The two older kids were upset and said it was unfair."
"I called him unreasonable to cancel the trip and punish the kids (and possibly me) like that."
"He refused to discuss it later."
"Now me and the kids aren't speaking to him and he's saying 'good riddance.'"
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA. Let's fix the title of your post..."
"My husband canceled our holiday trip because my kids and I are unreasonable and he just found out that we couldn't care less about him or his family" ~ Alarming_Reply_6286
"They apparently don't care about their family either as, presumably, younger child is her son and older children's brother."
"It boggles the mind." ~ Suzume_Chikahisa
"It really does."
"Like... if I were the 17 or 16-year old, I would have been EXPECTED to help out."
"Even the THOUGHT of saying no would never have crossed my mind."
"OP, YTA. And you're raising your kids to be that way too." ~ CurlsintheClouds
"Honestly, I feel bad for the teens, even though they're old enough to be accountable for themselves."
"But clearly they've been raised by someone who is just... deeply weird, to put it mildly."
"That skewed concept of normal human behavior takes time and massive effort to deprogram."
"And they may not even realize they have to deprogram it until they've had a few romantic partners go 'uhhhhhh what the hell,' as OP's is currently doing to her.
"Let's hope all three take that lesson to heart, to keep the list of hurt, frustrated, mistreated exes as small as it can be." ~ yet_another_sock
"I dunno, I'd think at 19 and 17, these kids are old enough to understand that a family emergency should be taken seriously."
"But WTF with wife and her lunch date???"
"These folks are bizarre - and not in a good way. YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"YTA, you and your kids from previous relationships are selfish and don't deserve your husband."
"I hope he gets out of this dynamic and gets custody of the 3 year old." ~ mydachshundisloud
"YTA. When there's a family emergency, you drop everything to help."
"Meeting your brother's girlfriend for the first time is not a valid excuse not to go watch the 3 years old, I mean WTF?"
"Clearly you put your husband very low on your list of priorities."
"I don't blame him for cancelling, you guys don't deserve it." ~ Caspian4136
"Agree, What were they expecting from him after all of them bailed out when he needed them the most, and that three year old is OPs kid too."
"If I were in place of OPs husband I would be having second thoughts about my relationship with this awful family." ~ freebird2211
"Honestly in times of crises people really show their true colors."
"OP and her kids showed theirs."
"If I was OP's husband I'd be out the door."
"I would do just about anything for my family in an emergency and they have done the same for me."
"To not even be willing to skip a lunch or a random hangout is despicable."
"It shows just how little OP and her kids care about OP's husband and how selfish they all are." ~ HankHippopopolous
"Just to add, the 3 year old is your son too."
"Your husband had a genuine emergency, and instead of reacting with compassion you HAD to stay at the restaurant?"
"This doesn't even add up."
"The father's wife had to watch the toddler while her husband was being treated?"
"If this is real, I'm going with YTA." ~ michelleinAZ
"YTA. He just realized how selfish you and your children are and he isn't willing to give them an expensive experience when he recently learned of their character."
"I didn't hear a reasonable excuse from you or your kids why they couldn't change plans to watch someone's kid for a family medical emergency."
"I wouldn't want to take you all on a vacation either." ~ CognitiveTraveler
"I noticed that too and I'm actually wondering if she married the guy for his money and had a baby with him to lock that money down."
"Cause nobody with a young kid and who actually cared about their husband would do this."
"'Oh no! Your father's in hospital? Too bad you'll have to take my kids half brother with you, because my brother and meeting his gf are more important than your father being sick.'"
"YTA OP. And your older kids too." ~ ItsMeTittsMGee
"YTA. Any single one of you could, and should have dropped what you were doing."
"You were all selfish."
"Nothing any of you were doing was life and death, meanwhile what your husband was dealing with could have been."
"You all suck."
"That poor man has no support from his own damn family." ~ Lady-Athena1987
"Yikes...YTA (you, your son and your daughter)."
'And I don't blame him for canceling the trip."
"Seems to me you 3 are very self-centered."
"Also, isn't this your son as well?"
"Sorry, but I think you could have easily picked up YOUR kid for lunch and/or invited your brother and his girlfriend back to your place to watch him."
"The same goes to your son and daughter."
"Your son could have canceled hanging out with his friends for one day, and your daughter was home and could have easily watched him."
"You 3 made things more difficult and stressful for your husband and not only that, were you not even concerned for your F[ather] I[n] L[aw]?" ~ Lopsided-Aioli9476
"Congratulations on raising 2 kids who are exactly like you. Selfish."
"It was a medical emergency."
"I divorced my husband over a medical emergency when he left me hanging."
"Enjoy your single life. YTA." ~ timeytrooper
"Here are a few scenarios."
"'Hey, sorry, I really want to spend more time getting to meet your girlfriend.'"
"'But my father-in-law has a medical emergency so I need to look after my son so that my husband can go to him.'"
"'Hey guys, sorry, I won't be able to hang out today, I need to look after my lil brother because his dad needs to go to HIS dad for a medical emergency.'"
"'Hey self, I need to spend a bit of time with my stepbrother because his dad's dad has a medical emergency.'"
"How many of those sound unreasonable? Is it none of them?"
"YTA. Way to make your husband think you don't care about him, his father, or your son."
"Please rethink your priorities." ~ ieya404
"Or, 'Hey brother, I need to bring my son with us to lunch because my FIL is having a medical emergency and husband needs to go to hospital. Can we meet at a family friendly place?'"
Or even better, 'Brother I'm so sorry but I have to go to the hospital to support my husband because my fil has had a medical emergency.'"
"OP can mind son at the hospital and be there for her husband."
"OP are you always so uncaring and self centered? YTA." ~ Flimsy-Field-8321
OP came back with an update...
"My husband was supposed to watch our son at the time."
"That's why I went to see my brother at the restaurant."
"The kids aren't used to watching their brother when neither parent is home."
"My husband just told us that he'll be spending Christmas with his family saying he needs to be around his dad anyway."
"The kids said they will just go to their dad since they and my husband are still not talking."
"Neither of the kids are happy with how things turned out."
"So I feel like things have gotten out of hand and the problem got bigger."
"He's now choosing to basically abandon us on Christmas and also keep our son away from me and his siblings."
Well OP, Reddit is not really feeling merry for you and your kids.
This sounds like a major issue that needs some help.
It may be time for a sit down with a therapist.
Hopefully y'all can find a way for a happy holiday season.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp