For most people, finding out their partner is cheating on them will be an absolute, immediate deal-breaker, no other questions asked.
It's almost funny, then, how far some people will go to hide their infidelity, like deleting their messages and photos, as if that will make them look less suspicious, said with an eye-roll the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Despite being with their husband for 19 years, Redditor lonelysqrl had become increasingly suspicious that their husband was unfaithful, so when they caught him looking at his phone a little too intensely, they decided it was time for a confrontation.
But when their husband refused to let them see his phone and even wiped the phone of everything, the Original Poster (OP) was certain their husband was cheating, or worse, and immediately wanted to get a divorce.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting, or is my husband cheating?"
The OP became suspicious that their husband was cheating on them.
"A few nights ago, I went to bed before my husband but couldn’t sleep, so I got up to get something to drink."
"When I walked into the kitchen, my husband was on his phone. He saw me and quickly slammed his phone face down against his leg so I couldn’t see the screen."
"I asked him what he was doing. He said it was nothing, that he was just looking at Instagram. Right."
"A little background. We don’t have access to each other’s devices because he claims he has sensitive data on his phone and computer for work. I have no problem giving him access to my devices, but he never asked."
The OP's husband refused to let them see his phone.
"At this point, I‘m very suspicious and unsettled. I asked to see his phone. He said no."
"Now I’m extremely suspicious. After arguing for a while, he finally relented and showed me his phone."
"On it were a couple of recent messages to random women asking them out for drinks. He claimed that it was for business. Not a date. Questionable, but not completely out of the realm of possibilities."
"Then I started looking through the photos on his phone. He became visibly nervous."
"Nothing crazy in his photo library until I came upon a locked folder. I asked him to open it. He said no."
"Now I’m livid! I asked him repeatedly to unlock the folder. He refused and managed to snatch his phone back."
Then the OP's husband did the unthinkable.
"I told him if he didn’t show me what was in that folder, that we would have serious problems. I even unlocked my phone and shoved it at him and said to look through it because I have nothing to hide."
"He then said that if I calm down and sit, he would show me the photos in the locked folder."
"He then proceeded to unlock the folder but turned the screen away from me. From the quick glance that I managed to catch, it looked like he had nudes on his phone."
"I'm pissed, and I tried to reach for the phone, but he kept holding it away from me while he tapped on the screen, doing something."
"I assume he was deleting the photos, but it turned out he wiped his whole entire phone!"
"I told him he didn’t live here anymore after that."
The OP's husband continued to insist that he wasn't cheating.
"The next day, he called to profess his innocence. Said that he had random spicy photos from the internet saved on his phone and was embarrassed to show me."
"I said wiping the entire phone screams that he had multiple things that were so d**ning that he had to go the nuclear route."
"He insisted that he was having issues with his phone (this part I know to be true), and the customer service/warranty people told him he needed to factory reset his phone, so that was already on the forefront of his mind."
"My theory is that he is cheating, and those photos either showed someone I would recognize or him in a compromising position. He still maintains he never cheated but just had sketchy photos in that folder."
"Since he wiped his whole phone, I would never know. I understand everything is backed up in the cloud, but now he has time to delete whatever he wants to hide. I have zero data points to prove his guilt or innocence."
The OP was insistent about getting a divorce.
"I told him I wanted a divorce, but he is adamant that he was under duress and that it was a stupid move to wipe the phone, but he didn’t cheat."
"He said if he could do it all over again, he would just show me. A little too late, isn’t it?"
"For reference, we have been together (dating and married) for 19 years. But how can I ever trust him again after this? I feel like I’m being gaslit, but of course there is always that sliver of doubt… am I wrong? Is he telling the truth?"
"Cheating is absolutely a deal breaker. He has known that since the beginning. Random nudes is still s**tty but forgivable…"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were intensely critical of the OP's husband and his list of excuses for his behavior.
"He wiped his phone clean? Then the sensitive data most definitely wasn't for work."
"He was under duress? Nah, he got caught and is trying to come up with bulls**t excuses."
"He's cheating or is trying to. Divorce him! NOR." - Otherwise-Wall-6950
"Under duress, from whom? His affair partner who now said she’s going to expose him?"
"Did his friends coerce him? That excuse is as good as the person who said their wife said her affair partner hypnotized her and she just couldn’t say no."
"Did these women hold a gun to his head to get him on the phone or into bed? That better be the situation if my husband threw that stupid excuse out there."
"Only through the thought of bodily harm or death would be the only way it would be excused. If there wasn’t, he’s out, permanently. Let all those others have him, as he’s not worth having." - Shadow4summer
"Gotcha. He wiped his phone because he was under duress. I bet it felt like duress, but it was actually panic. He was panicking because he didn’t want it seen, whatever it was he erased. He's disgusting."
"OP, please keep listening to yourself. The gaslighitng here is absolutely bats**t." - rydenshep
"Well, 'duress' worked because he showed you who he is. He's awful. So believe him. Sorry you've basically wasted 19 years on a lying piece of s**t."
"You can do better. Heck, just being alone would beat being with a lying, sneaky cheater. Leave the trash on the curb." - tyjo12
"I just want to reassure you that your reaction is perfectly normal to discovering betrayal from your spouse. Do not let him tell you that your response was over-exaggerated. You need a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma because what’s about to follow will be so hard, but it will get better." - ittybittytitty_com
Others agreed and were certain that the husband was lying and cheating.
"He wiped the phone that apparently you weren't able to access because he had sensitive information on it, work-related? Oh, he had sensitive information on it, all right, enough to show that he is cheating and a lying s**thead."
"You know he's lying, because simple nudes wouldn't lead to divorce; cheating would, and he knows this, hence him not wanting you to find out because he knows your deal breaker."
"You don't have to have definitive proof; his actions are enough. He's gaslighting you."
"Stay the course. I bet you he will feed you information drip by drip and minimise it every time, hoping that giving you small tidbits will lessen your anger and accept his explanations. It may be that he's emotionally cheating, but it's still cheating."
"He knows this too; nobody wipes their apparently important phone unless he was scared of you finding stuff that would end your marriage. He chose the nuclear option when he panicked; that's not an innocent man's actions." - Longjumping-Lime4986
"I also had a partner like this, and he did the same thing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and little by little, things got worse over years. We had five kids and were married for 17 years. Until one day, he spit it all out in an argument, as if he was proud that he had nine different affairs."
"He also worked in computer security, so he claimed that it was a security issue that I couldn’t see his phone. I filed for divorce so fast, it is now been six years, and he still has people thinking that I deserted the family. No one, no one, knows that he was guilty as a motherf**ker. God knows how long he did that s**t in our marriage."
"But I gave him the benefit of the doubt for far too long. I thought about divorce when I was 41; I’m now 47. I feel like the older I get, the less patience I have, or tolerance, for stupid bulls**t like this."
"I would be gone if I were this poster. I don’t care how many years I have with you, manipulating me is not OK, and making me feel like I am crazy or imagining things is even worse."
"If I could do it all over again, I would’ve never given him the benefit of the doubt, and I would’ve trusted my gut from the get-go." - EducationalNerve9550
"OP girl, he is already dating or trying to date multiple women. That is enough in itself."
"Wiping his phone? There is no way back."
"Nothing for you here, make sure to get what you are owed and then some. You haven't got minimum fidelity for a very long time."
"And you need to do a full panel for STDs." - Successful-Doubt5478
"I hope for your sake he hasn’t been dabbling in anything illegal, i.e., anything under 18, because that’s the only thing I can imagine being on his phone that would justify the absolute panic and nuclear wipe."
"NOR. His reaction confirms just how incredibly damning the evidence must’ve been. If cheating really is a deal-breaker for you, consider that deal broken." - SnooGuavas4208
"NOR. I commented elsewhere that he could not have been inviting women out to business meetings at that hour because they would interpret that as sexual harassment."
"But I also want to suggest you change the conversation the next time he talks to you: Why does he want to stay married to you if he doesn't even respect you enough to show you his phone and tell you the truth about what he's doing with it?"
"He doesn't see you as a teammate or partner; he doesn't trust you; he doesn't feel like you deserve to know the real him, so why stay married?"
"Why can't he agree to let you go so he can arrange as many late-night business meetings as he wants from now on?" - SpaceCommuter
The subReddit completely agreed with the OP that their husband was being incredibly suspicious by not answering questions and wiping his phone before the OP could see it.
Having an affair is bad enough, but if the husband had evidence on his phone to suggest a lengthy affair, multiple affairs, or something far worse, the OP deserved to get out of that situation as fast as possible.
