While some of us are much more sentimental than others, there tends to be a standing agreement: Do not mess with someone else’s memories and keepsakes.
This can be incredibly harmful to the person who was stolen from, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor tulip— was more concerned about not liking pictures of herself pregnant than her husband wanting to keep memories of their time while expecting a baby.
When she saw her husband’s reaction to what she had done, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she overstepped.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for deleting pictures of myself from my husband’s phone?”
The OP was uncomfortable with her pregnancy photos.
“I can’t explain why, but I absolutely hate seeing pictures of myself pregnant and asked people not to take them.”
“A few days ago, I saw my husband had changed his lock screen to a pregnant me.”
“When I asked him about it, he told me he had missed me/the baby while he was away and that’s why he took the picture and changed it to his lock screen.”
“He admitted he had forgotten to change it back before he got home, and that every time he went on a business trip, he was changing it to pictures of me pregnant.”
The OP decided to act on her feelings.
“I was upset and I asked him to delete it.”
“He said he would, but when he was sleeping, I had a nagging feeling that he hadn’t actually deleted it, so I checked his phone.”
“He had 100+ pictures of me pregnant, all taken without me noticing, including the one I asked him to delete.”
“I deleted all of them.”
Her husband did not take it well.
“Yesterday he noticed and was really upset over it.”
“We had an argument and he made a big show of changing his phone passcode.”
“He also implied he had the pictures backed up.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had absolutely no right to go through her husband’s phone.
“YTA. You cannot go into his phone and delete photos. He isn’t posting them on socials, just keeping them for himself. I think it’s sweet.”
“You sound like you have some pretty serious body hang-ups and I would encourage you to talk to someone about that.” – basketballwife
“The number of pictures sounds like a massive exaggeration by a lady with serious body image issues who needs to see a therapist.”
“Update: The OP replied to me with the exact number of photos – 178 photos in total.”
“I’ll give her that. But it doesn’t change my sentiment that she was in the wrong and needs some help considering why she has this hang-up.” – Apprehensive-Cash-68
“Look, some boundaries don’t need to be respected—especially if they’re controlling and encroach on someone else’s boundaries.”
“Your husband should respect that you don’t want your picture taken, however, he should also be able to have a visual reminder of you on his personal phone.”
“A good compromise might be to get professional photos taken and the two of you select the most flattering.”
“Unilaterally erasing yourself from him is not the way. Breaking into his phone and deleting the photos wasn’t it, either. Both of you need to respect each other more in your partnership. ESH.” – Brilliant_Month_365
“NTA, Men do not own women’s bodies. Actually, nobody owns another person’s body regardless of gender.”
“It doesn’t matter what his motivations were for taking the pictures. He had no right to take them.”
“He had no right to keep them against her well. He lied to her about deleting them.”
“If he was cheating and lying to her about it would you be mad at her for violating his privacy by going into his phone? He is a liar.”
“Whether or not she has body image issues which she needs to seek therapy for, which she probably does, it does not give him the right to violate her spoken wishes to take pictures of her against her will. They were her images, not his.”
“She had every right to delete them after her privacy was violated. She didn’t delete pictures of him or even pictures of other people. Just of herself.”
“Think of it like a celebrity, she owns her own image and if her husband took pictures without her consent, she has the right delete them. But you guys need some serious couples therapy.” – QueenTitania19
“Definitely YTA unless….”
“You asked your husband to not take those photos or have indicated in the past you are camera shy. In that case he should respect your boundaries but allow him to take a few photos when you are feeling your best.”
“And if that conversation hasn’t been had, have it now.” – Creative_Lie2150
“It was wrong for her to go on his phone and delete them, but it was wrong of him to be taking them without her knowledge, too.”
“She doesn’t need help figuring out ‘why she has this hang-up,’ he needs to respect her request to not take pictures.”
“NTA.” – overandunderX
“This is not ‘a massive breach of trust.’ Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You know what is a breach of trust? Going into someone’s phone and deleting pics. He was also keeping them for himself.”
“She may have asked not to take pictures of her, which they could have discussed more, but intent matters, and the guy was actually taking pics of his wife because he loves her and wanted to remember her.”
“The intention comes from a good place. I do think OP has some serious image issues.” – gardeningviolet
“I’d actually argue the first breach of trust is from OP: She didn’t trust that her husband had different feelings about her body than she does.”
“Part of marriage is understanding the love language and emotions of the other person and doing things that aren’t your favorite because you want that person to experience it and you want them to know you care about their feelings.”
“Part of marriage is the understanding that your spouse probably thinks more of you/your body/your mind/your heart than you do, and even if you don’t always believe them, you trust that they have your best interest in mind and you trust when they tell you how they feel.”
“If your spouse wants a picture of you, unless it’s literally dangerous or the risk is too high, I don’t see a time I’d say no.”
“If my wife wanted a picture of me with drawings of hentai on my face, I’d do it, because no matter how stupid I think that is, it’s something she would enjoy, and it’s literally not something that can hurt me. I’m not going to look at the pictures, but I know she will.” – dereksalem
“Okay, so… either he has some fetish for pregnant you or he really just misses you. Either way, you should have some say on the photos and you should work on your self image. And no, you can’t delete them, it’ll only hurt your relationship and not solve the problem.”
“I don’t like surprise pictures of myself either, videos or anything that I’m not consciously posing for. But my boyfriend loves me, he find my faces and my quirks so cute and adorable that more than often were on the same room, side by side, and he’s laughing of some video of my doing one of my quirks, over and over again.”
“I had to compromise, because even if I don’t like myself, he does, and he misses me when I’m not around and want to revisit some memory of me. He has pictures of his family too, but only takes surprise ones of me. So, he gets to keep them as long as he doesn’t show to anyone, because I’m really embarrassed, unless I give consent.”
“Your pic on his lock screen is a breach of your privacy because anyone who takes his phone can look at you, you have the right to have a say. He and others (I know a lot of women who would be melting if he voluntarily puts a pic of them on his Lock Screen) might find it cute, adorable and a proof of true love, but you don’t and you should be respected TOO, not OVER him.”
“I’d say everyone sucks here. You don’t respect him and he doesn’t respect you.”
“You didn’t provide info enough to prove something devious (if is a fetish, do you have sex more now that you’re pregnant, if is something to make you feel bad, he has a history of making fun of you in public, etc… etc…), and you might as well have all type of hormones that make you feel everything so loudly, and he should respect your emotions too. Talk and compromise, you’ve done wrong deleting and you should apologize, but as for everything else, talk.” – Anxious_Sun_1545
Others disagreed and said the husband hugely breached the OP’s trust.
“No, it is absolutely not sweet in my opinion to disrespect such an easy request (no pictures of me pregnant).”
“It doesn’t matter if the reason is a mental health issue or not. If she doesn’t want pictures taken, he should not take them, especially without her consent!” – lionbridges
“I’m just blown away by how so many people think it’s perfectly okay for a husband to consistently take candid pictures of his wife to the point there’s over a hundred of them.”
“How is that not a MASSIVE breach of trust? How can you ever relax again next to a person who thinks it’s fine to cross your boundaries as long as you’re not aware of it?” – bitter_liquor
“NTA – You made a clear request and set a boundary. Your husband violated that boundary and your trust. He is angry at you for finding the truth.”
“He really is saying, ‘How dare you to prove I’m lying and that I can’t be trusted!'”
“I think you need to stay with a friend for a while. He needs to apologize BIG TIME. What he did was awful.” – Hwats_In_A_Name
“If you asked to have it deleted. And especially if he made it his Lock Screen (so anyone could see it). And if he told you he deleted them but actually didn’t. It’s not sweet. At all.”
“Maybe – ask him why he likes them so much. And if he legitimately just wants them to reminisce on when you were expecting I’d say you should meet him halfway.”
“But the Lock Screen thing is weird to me. And the lies.” – MrJigglyBrown
“Hmm. I think I’m going with NTA or light ESH personally.”
“You’re right that he violated your privacy and wishes with the pictures he took. My wife is very self-conscious as well and while I do have pictures of her, there are certain kinds of photos I know she wouldn’t want to exist, and no matter how much I may want them, I wouldn’t do that to her.”
“But I do think this might be a good thing for you to work on as well. I do think you’re not exactly blameless, but your wrong isn’t as bad as his, I’d say.”
“To anyone who can’t grasp the violation of the husband, imagine if these were nudes she wasn’t aware of? It’s a similar situation but suddenly I’d bet you’re all against that.”
“UPDATE: I’m actually going to amend this. It’s not up to me or your husband or anyone else how you should feel about your body. If you want to work on it, you do you, and if you don’t, then that’s fine too. That was a mean/bad thing for me to say and I’m sorry.”
“I do think your husband lied to you about deleting the photo and you in turn sneakily deleted the photos.”
“Confronting him about them would have been the better option in my mind, but your actions still aren’t as bad as his hence my verdict.” – Theothecword
The OP and her husband were clearly at odds in regards to whether or not to keep any photos from the OP’s pregnancy and their time together expecting a baby, and the subReddit was conflicted about what to do with that information.
On the one hand, the husband could have been more respectful of his wife’s boundaries and needs, especially while pregnant. If he was missing her and really wanted a recent picture of her, or really enjoyed seeing his wife pregnant, perhaps the couple could have compromised. The OP could have selected a photo she was comfortable with, and the husband could have agreed not to use it on his lock screen.
On the other hand, the OP also violated her husband’s privacy by going through his phone. This is generally a no-no, whether it’s for browsing photos or other content. But to delete all of the photos, and the memories and sentiments the husband was keeping for himself, that’s a terrible thing to have done, too.