Siblings sometimes bond better if there’s a significant age gap, five years or more. There’s less rivalry and the relationship ends up more of a mentorship.
Sometimes siblings don’t bond at all because of an age gap. They’re at different stages in their lives. There isn’t a lot they have in common in their day to day lives.
A young woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a confrontation with her much younger stepsister.
Aaitathrowaway4444444 asked:
“AITA for feeding my dogs before my stepsister?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (18, female) live with my dad, his wife ‘Jackie’, and my stepsister Mia (13, female). My dad was paralyzed from the chest down in a car crash 5 years ago. Jackie and Mia moved in 4 years ago. We’re a very happy blended family.”
“The only issue that I have is that Mia is kinda spoiled. She pretty much gets whatever she wants whenever. She’s usually a very sweet kid overall which is why I’m questioning if I’m being an a**hole.”
“Jackie left on a business trip last night. Before she left, I told her that I would handle making dinner, bringing Mia home from track practice, and general tidiness of the house.”
“I would also continue to take care of my two very large Great Danes that I was given by my grandmother. My family plays with and snuggles them, but they are my dogs.”
“Mia’s chores were the dishes after dinner, bringing her dirty clothes to the laundry room door, and taking the trash out. It all seemed fine when Jackie left.”
“Well, I went to pick Mia up from track this afternoon and when she got into the car she asked for her snack. I said we had food at home, but I didn’t bring any. She said her mom always brought a snack for her and kinda pouted.”
“When we got home, she stayed in my car when I went inside. I left with my dogs before she came in. When I returned, she was crying at the kitchen table.”
“I asked why and she said that I hadn’t prepared a snack for her and she was so hungry. I told her she always had access to our pantry. She said it wasn’t the same because it’s always already ready for her.”
“I went to feed the dogs and she asked where I was going.”
“I told her and she started to scream cry at me that I was heartless and only cared for my ‘stupid animals’ and that I needed to make dinner right that second. She then ran upstairs and slammed the door.”
“I called Jackie and told her what happened. She was confused because Mia knows she’s always welcome to food. I know she’s adjusting to her mom being away.”
“So AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I went to feed my dogs before my stepsister. She’s used to having her mom do a lot of things for her and it wouldn’t have been that hard to make her a snack.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Mia is a bratty teenager who is testing boundaries. They tend to be AH occasionally and usually quite dramatic.”
“Just continue as usual. I would not make a big deal of it. Feelings are BIG at that age and sometimes the world is just evil.”
“I would fix dinner as planned, remind her to do her chores and ignore the tantrum. Unless she throws another one tomorrow.” ~ GSD_enthusiast
“My 6 year old can make herself a sandwich, get anything she wants from the pantry and open it. She’s been doing so pretty much since 4 because she wanted to though occasionally needed some help. 13 (and able mentally and physically) is beyond old enough to be able to make a sandwich or heat up something in the microwave.”
“I’m with everyone else, I’d ignore her fit and hope her mom realizes she needs a bit more practice being independent.” ~ hiskitty110617
“Same with my 13yr old. Only addition was mine loves cereal, so I had to get little bottles we call pop tops here in Australia (plastic mini juice bottle with pull up tops), to fill with enough milk to avoid the milk tsunami that would happen often.”
“Nowadays, sometimes she comes out and tells me she doesn’t want what’s on for dinner, she’s going to make herself something when I’m done cooking.”
“I wonder if it’s a lack of being independent or the want to simply be waited on like her mother does. It started when she was picked up and there was no snack, she reaffirmed that after being told to grab something by pushing but mum always makes it for me… She’s pushing back on her older sibling babysitting her.” ~ HyenaStraight8737
“Yes, all of this. Maybe her mom has spoiled her, maybe she’s testing your boundaries. Just stay calm and point out her options. Remember, she can make choices, and choices have results.”
“You can validate her feelings, ‘I understand that you had an expectation and it must be frustrating or disappointing when that expectation isn’t met’ while also pointing out that she can’t expect everyone to treat her like her mom ‘but everyone does things differently from each other and that’s ok, we adjust’.”
“If she’s having a tantrum you can validate those big feelings, ‘I understand you’re having some big feelings’ and provide choices ‘you can get a snack from the pantry, you can ask for help if what you want is something you need help with, or if you need to take some time to process your feelings and calm down you can do so in your room’.”
“Above all, stay calm and logical. Do your best Spock impression. You got this, you’re doing well!” ~ Pixedx3
“I got my first ‘I hate you’, from my 13-year-old daughter this month.”
“Because I asked her if she could drop her laundry basket in the laundry for me to wash before she went to bed.”
“Should have seen her face when I replied with, ‘Cool, I still need that basket unless you don’t want clean clothes.’ The hormones have rage, but no power here.”
“She can wash her own, but it was torrential rain, drying is an issue, and I deal with the laundry in those times.” ~ HyenaStraight8737
“I could make my own PB&J by age 6. No sympathy for a 13-year-old who doesn’t want to get off her butt and grab a ready-made snack or make something small.”
“Hell, my daughter, who had brain cancer and has lingering issues from 2 craniotomies and 33 radiation treatments, could make her own scrambled eggs by the time she was 11.”
“Granted, I was a little upset she did it the first time at 3 in the morning while I was asleep because of her impulse control issues, but otherwise, I was thrilled to know she could make food. And this supposedly healthy, adjusted 13-year-old can’t manage a snack?”
“Methinks someone should wait until she gets home and get herself a snack from now on. Make it the new normal.”
“So she doesn’t end up wasting away if nobody can cater to her. Maybe have her help with dinner since she doesn’t know how to feed herself. Has to learn sometime.”
“I’d also point out the dogs are incapable of feeding themselves. She’s supposed to be smarter and has opposable thumbs. NTA.” ~ kittyhm
“GenXer here. Latchkey kid who had to get herself to and from softball practice and cook dinner for my brother and I when mom worked swing shift.”
“At age 10.”
“Not that this was or is ok. It was what it was. I would have looked at my little brother like he had two heads had he flipped out that I hadn’t specifically made his snacky snack.”
“I also made cookies on Saturdays.”
“OP NTA. Your sis is very upset her mom is gone for a few days, and you’re going to pay the price. Sounds like Step mom is on the same page. Don’t react. Tell her she knows where the snacks are, and she can choose whether or not she wants to get it herself as she is fully capable.” ~ WAtransplant2021
“She’s hungry, her mom’s gone, and her routine has been disrupted. Sometimes, that makes grown people act out, never mind a 13-year-old that’s getting fancy new hormones to figure out emotional regulating around. You can have a little sympathy while still acknowledging it wasn’t appropriate.” ~ Exilicauda
The OP provided a short update:
“Not the update some of you were all looking for. Mia came downstairs while I was making dinner about an hour later.”
“She said she was sorry for yelling and gave me a hug. She just had a hard track practice and a difficult pop quiz at school and was expecting her mom.”
“We made dinner together and are watching a movie with my dad. Thanks for all of your comments!”
Sometimes, when someone is rude or angry with you, it has nothing to do with you.
It sounds like the OP and her stepsister figured this out.