Relationships don't always work out.
Sometimes they simply fizzle, sometimes one person wants out for one reason or another, and sometimes something is done that just can't be looked past.
But when the latter transpires, some deeply hurt parties tend to take the high road, regardless of what went down.
On occasion, however, the betrayed make their outrage known, especially if the guilty party spreads lies about what actually happened.
A man on Reddit refuses to take down a Facebook post about his serial-cheating ex-wife's "affair baby" despite pleas from her family, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor StretchAway3415 asked:
"AITA for clarifying via Social Media post that my wife's baby was the product of her illicit affairs?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My ( M[ale]/49) wife Cynthia ( F[emale]/45) got pregnant against my will, after we had discussed and agreed on not having any more kids ( we already have F[emale]/18, M[ale]/13, M[ale]/8, M[ale]/4)."
"I was scheduled for a vasectomy."
"She claimed she was on the pill but I was using condoms because I wanted to make sure nothing happened."
"I had my vasectomy, but she was pregnant a few weeks later."
"She was overjoyed and I wasn't."
"I didn't want to be an old dad."
"She claimed the pills didn't work."
"I never pushed for her getting surgery because I know it's harder for women, and she said injectable contraceptives hurt her health."
"I checked all my condoms and all of them had been pierced."
"We had a huge argument that ended with her crying."
"My trust has been destroyed."
"I assume that nothing she says is true."
"She also got fired when she was 3 months pregnant."
"I found it weird that she didn't fight it."
"Then she said she needed to stay home, which is exactly what I dreaded."
"She said morning sickness was too bad to go to work."
"For our entire 18 years of marriage, she has pushed to be a SAHM."
"We can't afford it."
"She gave me the silent treatment for weeks after our second was born when I said she needed to find a job."
"I never heard the end of it as she calls it 'when I made her leave our baby and sent her to get a job' like I had ripped her away from our kid."
"I got suspicious thinking that perhaps she had resigned and was lying."
"I know it's wrong but I got into her phone."
"Long story short, she had a workplace affair and she and her AP both got canned."
"She slept with him during her training out of state and eventually scheduled every assignment out of town to cheat with him."
"He is in his late 50s, married."
"She also slept with my cousin's son ( Nelson M[ale]/29), and he's a drug addict."
"I saw and heard messages between them."
"He would come to my house when I was out."
"I have asked the neighbor and they confirmed."
"My neighbor said Nelson would show up sometimes 2 days in a row when I was out."
"I checked my schedule and it could have been when I went to Ohio for 3 weeks."
"I came home on weekends but everything seemed normal."
"What's worse is that Nelson calls me Uncle."
"I let him stay over a couple of times."
"She also used our own kids ( our 2 youngest) as leverage, promising that he could see them if he didn't pressure her and kept his mouth shut."
"So she obviously put him in some type of a step daddy role."
"She told him the pregnancy was his baby."
"I hate him, but I think she manipulated him because he has zero relationship with his parents or his siblings and he kept texting her about how she was like 'home' to him."
"I lost it and woke her up."
"I confronted both men."
"I reached out to her ex coworker via social media but he blocked me after a couple of exchanged messages."
"Nelson did get belligerent, and it could have probably ended in a real fight if I had him in front of me."
"The paternity test came as negative."
"I moved out and got a lawyer."
"I refused to be at the hospital during childbirth."
"It was a stillborn. I was shocked."
"Even if it wasn't mine, it felt dark and strange."
"I offered my kids emotional support but didn't allow her to cry to me."
"I had to get a court order to get a DNA test on all our kids ( they are mine)."
"A few weeks ago, people on Facebook started asking questions and attempting to call me out for not posting anything about the baby."
"I think she might have told someone that I wasn't present at childbirth because a couple of people came at me."
"We are getting a divorce, and I'm very angry that she's still trying to milk it."
"I told each person the truth separately, but eventually got fed up with looking like the bad guy and wrote a post saying thank you to everyone who has reached out to insult me, but the baby was not my child as per the paternity test."
"It had to step away from social media because of it."
"Her family called me, asking to take it down."
"They didn't know the full story but said ' this is not how things get solved.'"
"I'm not deleting it, despite being called out for S-shaming."
"While I worked my a** off for our family, she was texting her best friend and complaining about how I'm not the shadow of my former self, how I look old and let myself go."
"Her friend had an angry response, but they are not on speaking terms anymore."
"Cynthia claimed that her friend ghosted her, and she doesn't know why."
"I'm suing for custody since she repeatedly took my kids across the state so that Nelson could hang out with them and left them with her dad before I came home from work so that she could go 'do work stuff' and have sex outside of our marriage."
"She had been begging me not to ever tell the kids about the paternity test, but they needed to know the truth before she twisted the narrative."
"My daughter won't speak to her, and our second child wants to come live with me."
"I'm sick of crying sporadically because sometimes I'm driving and can't hold it in."
"I can't even watch p*rn because she and her APs come to mind."
"I had a family, and despite everything, I was proud and happy, and she took it away."
"I didn't know she saw me as less ( she told her ex-best friend that she loved watching the executives in her job)."
"At least her friend defended me, although we are not close."
"My lawyer says we should contact her as a character witness."
"I hate Cynthia, and I told her during her pregnancy when she wanted to initiate sex."
"She's naturally overweight, and I loved her as such, but I hated the knocked up by the AP version of her."
"I told her she looked grotesque like Jabba the Hutt."
"Her lawyer is pushing for family counseling."
"I would only agree to civil coparenting but nothing oriented at couple's reconciliation bullsh*t."
"She calls it a mistake, but to me, she bred via infidelity and created an entire human being and I will never forget that."
"AITA for refusing to take my post down? AITA for refusing to show compassion?"
"All I want is to get out of her life and I feel like she's trying to keep me from moving on."
"Sorry if I don't make too much sense but my mind is still foggy."
Redditors weighed in on the situation, and all agreed OP is not the a**hole (NTA) in this situation, with many concurring that his ex-wife made her own bed.
"NTA. So long as she is spinning a false narrative, you should feel free to defend your own reputation."
"To anyone demanding you take that down, ask to have her post the truth instead and you will no longer need to defend yourself."
"It also seems like there are many APs, and you have been holding back damning details you could describe."
"She f**king betrayed you and the life and family you both built." - Foolish-Pleasure99
"She is gaslighting you so bad."
"It is really sad and extremely frustrating."
"I would be very pissed off, too." - Alternative_Hunt7401
"It's not sl*t shaming telling ppl your wife was having an affair nta." - CertainPlatypus9108
"NTA. Your wife's infidelity and deceit justify your anger and lack of compassion."
"Your social media post was a valid response to unfair judgment." - ferin_xx
"The truth shall set you free!"
"NTA-Only God knows how many times and men nailed her before you caught her...you need to learn about gray rock and go that route." - Sensitive_Pickle_935
"NTA, some people will try to convince you then you should have suffered in silence to avoid revealing the truth to your children."
"This is BS; she would have fed them lies, so it is better for them to know the truth."
"She is the one to blame for her own actions and their consequences." - Gosc101
According to his fellow Redditors, OP has every right to feel justified in both his feelings and his actions.
Hopefully, he can find some comfort in this and begin to focus on his new chapter with his children.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp