What's more important when leaving money to family or friends in a last will and testament? Should everything be split evenly? Should money only go to members of the next generation? Should the recipient's current financial status influence how much money they're allocated?
A wife trying to make these decisions with their husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after they reached an impasse.
Substantial-Plan-789 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to share my money with my rich in-laws?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Backstory for context, I come from a family with little money growing up. We got by, but weren't well off by any accounts. Parents drilled it into my head that I needed to make money to be happy, so I did."
"My parents, of course, never figured it out, and siblings did not follow suit. I made a few hundred thousand in real estate and some in the stock market."
"Husband's family consists of millionaires (not crazy rich, but extremely comfortable), both his parents, and his 2 siblings. Funny enough, he is the only one who hasn't made a significant amount of money. He has been working modest jobs since he was in his 20's, never much of a saver."
"We do make a similar salary now. I brought a considerably larger contribution at the beginning of the marriage than he did."
"So when we decided to get married, I paid for the wedding, paid the down payment on our house, and pretty much everything we have accumulated up to this point has been because of my financial decisions (not elaborating for brevity's sake)."
"Cut to this evening, my husband and I are attempting to finalize our trust and we get to the section related to failure of descendants. Our two children, of course, get everything if we die."
"But the situation took a turn when it came to the failure of descendants, which would mean all 4 of us were deceased, then who gets the money?"
"He wants to split the money between all of our nieces and nephews in the event our children are deceased. At that point, my logic is my family because they actually would need it. I want to leave most of it to my sister and my family."
"An argument ensues, and he makes some sh*tty comments about my family making poor financial decisions. I make some about the money we have because of me and my financial decisions."
"It gets ugly, we are on separate floors of the house now. I understand him wanting to leave money to his family because he loves them. But I want to leave money to my family because they NEED it."
"AITA for wanting to keep my money away from my husband's wealthy family so I can enrich mine?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action is that I don't want to share my money with my husband's rich family in the event of our deaths, per our trust. I want to leave it only to my family, since they are not rich and could use the money."
"I am being selfish because technically the money is both of ours now that we are married, even if I made the money before we were married. I wonder if I am being too close-minded about him wanting to care for his family too, even if they don't need it."
"Could be that it's the gesture itself vs. the actual money. But my family will thoroughly benefit from it. I might be the a**hole because I'm being selfish and only seeing things through my own lens."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He seems very generous with your money. Stick to your estate plan, you leave your money to your sister and he leaves whatever he has to his family. If he feels that his nieces and nephews would not get enough then he can go out and make more money." ~ No-To-Newspeak
"This is the way. It’s the perfect compromise."
"OP - your earned money goes to your family and his to his."
"The easy way to proportionally split the trust based on income. If yours is 80 and his 20. Then the trust is split with 80 to your family and 20 to his." ~ PracticalPrimrose
"NTA, and the split estate solution is the BEST one, your money to your people, his to his, drafted separately in the trust. That sidesteps the whole fight."
"But honestly, the money's almost the side issue here, the part I'd sit with is him making 'sh*tty comments about your family's poor financial decisions' while you funded the wedding, the house, and basically everything from your own success. That's a respect problem." ~ Armantvs
"Why would you a marry a gold digger that comes from money, is this some kind of joke? Imagine paying for your own wedding (not to mention your house) what did this man bring to the table?" ~ Fast-Chipmunk-1558
"Separate your finances; he can leave what he has to his family, and you can leave what you have for yours." ~ Left-Comfortable-571
"And this is why people need estate attorneys. When the assets are moved into a trust, it is distributed according to the terms of the trust, not the marriage." ~ crazyfuncpl2022
"Even if the husband doesn’t make much now, he grew up in privilege. People who grew up that way tend to see money more neutrally and don’t understand equity (as in equitable treatment) vs equality."
"They think equality is justice, when true justice is equity. The goal should be to get OP’s family to the place of stability that his family has always existed at."
"There’s a genuine lack of compassion there if he thinks that his family should get an equal share just because ‘her family made bad decisions’. If they’re so undeserving, why are the nieces and nephews who did nothing but have more inherited stability already more deserving?"
"That’s some weird a** logic." ~ lisamon429
"You needed a prenup. He will never sign a post. People are going to tell you you are wrong, and that's fine, but I'm his side of the family and I have thoughts and experience."
"Splitting it means more for people with a lot already; it will not change their lives in any way. It will be a good investment for later or be passed down to their kids with what they'll get from their parents, also they will have plenty of opportunities thanks to their parents so a higher chance of being a high earner and having a better start."
"Some of my family members are giving me jewelry to remember them by, but they have removed me from their wills because I'm getting 7 figures in inheritance between other family members, and those cousins aren't getting anything from the people I'm inheriting from. I find this more than fair."
"Also, I think you should start helping your sister's kids now. Money, once you are dead, is great, but any educational help they get will mean so much more now than 40+ years down the line, and will help them not make the same mistakes as their parents. And get him a spousal IRA." ~ MommaLa
"What’s rich is that he’s making comments about your relatives being poor when he doesn’t have hardly anything himself. He must have some hidden talents for you to support him like this." ~ neon_crone
"NTA because this is money you have saved. You should consider talking through this with your trust lawyer. One thing to consider is, if you pass away first and your husband is in charge of the trust, he can change the beneficiary designations."
"I saw that happen in a friend’s family. If you are the only one saving, you should have a say in how your savings are handled, especially since your husband does not seem to be contributing much financially to your lives." ~ springflowers68
"NTA. My parents are 60+ and have started estate planning. I have told them, on several occasions now, to write me out of their will completely. I am not well-off by any means, but I am financially sound where two out of my 3 siblings are decidedly not."
"They’ve both really, really struggled with the notion. I think in their eyes the optics will make it seem like they ‘loved me less’."
"I say all that to say your husband may be more concerned about the idea that his nephews/nieces will feel something similar if all of your assets go to your family and not his."
"I’d recommend an allocated split. Based on your individual contributions, split your estate between his family and yours. That way you’re both ‘remembering’ to include your families."
"It may or may not work, but figured it could help spark a resolution." ~ WinterWillo
As several people pointed out, this is a situation that will only come into effect if OP, their husband, and both of their children all die at the same or if they die at the same time and their children predecease them. If one dies the survivor can decide to do whatever they want.
So is this a hill worth dying on, or is a compromise better?
Redditor whyarenttheserandom suggested:
"Just write that your half goes to X and his half goes to Y."
"This is a highly unlikely scenario, don't blow it up unnecessarily."
The OP responded:
"Thank you for the level-headedness! Needed that."
That sounds like a good solution.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp