What's more important when leaving money to family or friends in a last will and testament? Should everything be split evenly? Should money only go to members of the next generation? Should the recipient's current financial status influence how much money they're allocated?
A wife trying to make these decisions with their husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after they reached an impasse.
Substantial-Plan-789 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to share my money with my rich in-laws?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Backstory for context, I come from a family with little money growing up. We got by, but weren't well off by any accounts. Parents drilled it into my head that I needed to make money to be happy, so I did."
"My parents, of course, never figured it out, and siblings did not follow suit. I made a few hundred thousand in real estate and some in the stock market."
"Husband's family consists of millionaires (not crazy rich, but extremely comfortable), both his parents, and his 2 siblings. Funny enough, he is the only one who hasn't made a significant amount of money. He has been working modest jobs since he was in his 20's, never much of a saver."
"We do make a similar salary now. I brought a considerably larger contribution at the beginning of the marriage than he did."
"So when we decided to get married, I paid for the wedding, paid the down payment on our house, and pretty much everything we have accumulated up to this point has been because of my financial decisions (not elaborating for brevity's sake)."
"Cut to this evening, my husband and I are attempting to finalize our trust and we get to the section related to failure of descendants. Our two children, of course, get everything if we die."
"But the situation took a turn when it came to the failure of descendants, which would mean all 4 of us were deceased, then who gets the money?"
"He wants to split the money between all of our nieces and nephews in the event our children are deceased. At that point, my logic is my family because they actually would need it. I want to leave most of it to my sister and my family."
"An argument ensues, and he makes some sh*tty comments about my family making poor financial decisions. I make some about the money we have because of me and my financial decisions."
"It gets ugly, we are on separate floors of the house now. I understand him wanting to leave money to his family because he loves them. But I want to leave money to my family because they NEED it."
"AITA for wanting to keep my money away from my husband's wealthy family so I can enrich mine?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action is that I don't want to share my money with my husband's rich family in the event of our deaths, per our trust. I want to leave it only to my family, since they are not rich and could use the money."
"I am being selfish because technically the money is both of ours now that we are married, even if I made the money before we were married. I wonder if I am being too close-minded about him wanting to care for his family too, even if they don't need it."
"Could be that it's the gesture itself vs. the actual money. But my family will thoroughly benefit from it. I might be the a**hole because I'm being selfish and only seeing things through my own lens."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He seems very generous with your money. Stick to your estate plan, you leave your money to your sister and he leaves whatever he has to his family. If he feels that his nieces and nephews would not get enough then he can go out and make more money." ~ No-To-Newspeak
"This is the way. It’s the perfect compromise."
"OP - your earned money goes to your family and his to his."
"The easy way to proportionally split the trust based on income. If yours is 80 and his 20. Then the trust is split with 80 to your family and 20 to his." ~ PracticalPrimrose
"NTA, and the split estate solution is the BEST one, your money to your people, his to his, drafted separately in the trust. That sidesteps the whole fight."
"But honestly, the money's almost the side issue here, the part I'd sit with is him making 'sh*tty comments about your family's poor financial decisions' while you funded the wedding, the house, and basically everything from your own success. That's a respect problem." ~ Armantvs
"Why would you a marry a gold digger that comes from money, is this some kind of joke? Imagine paying for your own wedding (not to mention your house) what did this man bring to the table?" ~ Fast-Chipmunk-1558
"Separate your finances; he can leave what he has to his family, and you can leave what you have for yours." ~ Left-Comfortable-571
"And this is why people need estate attorneys. When the assets are moved into a trust, it is distributed according to the terms of the trust, not the marriage." ~ crazyfuncpl2022
"Even if the husband doesn’t make much now, he grew up in privilege. People who grew up that way tend to see money more neutrally and don’t understand equity (as in equitable treatment) vs equality."
"They think equality is justice, when true justice is equity. The goal should be to get OP’s family to the place of stability that his family has always existed at."
"There’s a genuine lack of compassion there if he thinks that his family should get an equal share just because ‘her family made bad decisions’. If they’re so undeserving, why are the nieces and nephews who did nothing but have more inherited stability already more deserving?"
"That’s some weird a** logic." ~ lisamon429
"You needed a prenup. He will never sign a post. People are going to tell you you are wrong, and that's fine, but I'm his side of the family and I have thoughts and experience."
"Splitting it means more for people with a lot already; it will not change their lives in any way. It will be a good investment for later or be passed down to their kids with what they'll get from their parents, also they will have plenty of opportunities thanks to their parents so a higher chance of being a high earner and having a better start."
"Some of my family members are giving me jewelry to remember them by, but they have removed me from their wills because I'm getting 7 figures in inheritance between other family members, and those cousins aren't getting anything from the people I'm inheriting from. I find this more than fair."
"Also, I think you should start helping your sister's kids now. Money, once you are dead, is great, but any educational help they get will mean so much more now than 40+ years down the line, and will help them not make the same mistakes as their parents. And get him a spousal IRA." ~ MommaLa
"What’s rich is that he’s making comments about your relatives being poor when he doesn’t have hardly anything himself. He must have some hidden talents for you to support him like this." ~ neon_crone
"NTA because this is money you have saved. You should consider talking through this with your trust lawyer. One thing to consider is, if you pass away first and your husband is in charge of the trust, he can change the beneficiary designations."
"I saw that happen in a friend’s family. If you are the only one saving, you should have a say in how your savings are handled, especially since your husband does not seem to be contributing much financially to your lives." ~ springflowers68
"NTA. My parents are 60+ and have started estate planning. I have told them, on several occasions now, to write me out of their will completely. I am not well-off by any means, but I am financially sound where two out of my 3 siblings are decidedly not."
"They’ve both really, really struggled with the notion. I think in their eyes the optics will make it seem like they ‘loved me less’."
"I say all that to say your husband may be more concerned about the idea that his nephews/nieces will feel something similar if all of your assets go to your family and not his."
"I’d recommend an allocated split. Based on your individual contributions, split your estate between his family and yours. That way you’re both ‘remembering’ to include your families."
"It may or may not work, but figured it could help spark a resolution." ~ WinterWillo
As several people pointed out, this is a situation that will only come into effect if OP, their husband, and both of their children all die at the same or if they die at the same time and their children predecease them. If one dies the survivor can decide to do whatever they want.
So is this a hill worth dying on, or is a compromise better?
Redditor whyarenttheserandom suggested:
"Just write that your half goes to X and his half goes to Y."
"This is a highly unlikely scenario, don't blow it up unnecessarily."
The OP responded:
"Thank you for the level-headedness! Needed that."
That sounds like a good solution.
