Parents aren't supposed to play favorites. Not only do most fail at this, but they also make it horribly obvious who they prefer.
When the children reach adulthood, it becomes even more obvious, especially if one child is an overachiever and another rarely tries to achieve anything, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, worked hard her entire life, including making her own way through college and being there for her family whenever they needed her.
But the Original Poster (OP) was really hurt when she found out that, despite providing care to her aging parents, they intended to leave everything to her sister, who did not help at all.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by stepping back from my parents after finding out how they plan to leave everything to my older sister?"
The OP was incredibly independent and self-sufficient.
"I (27 Female) have an older sister whoâs 35 (Female)."
"Growing up, my parents were always very big on independence and responsibility. They made it clear that once we became adults, we were expected to handle our own lives."
"I really took that to heart. I worked through college, lived with roommates to keep my expenses down, and built everything for myself step by step without asking them for help."
"It wasnât always easy, but Iâm genuinely proud of where Iâve ended up. I have a stable career now, Iâm in a good relationship, and for the first time in a long time, my life feels steady."
"My sisterâs path has been very different. Sheâs never really been able to get fully settled. She has tried a few different jobs over the years, but nothing has really stuck. There always seems to be some new issue, some reason it doesnât work out."
"My parents have stepped in over and over again, helping her with rent, paying bills when she gets behind, and giving her money to help her make it through the month."
The OP became increasingly resentful of her parents supporting her sister more.
"For a long time, I told myself it wasnât worth keeping score. I figured maybe that was just how families were supposed to work, helping the person who needed it more."
"But a few days ago, when we all got together this summer, they brought up something that really threw me off."
"My parents asked to speak to both of us about their future plans. Theyâre getting older, and their health hasnât been great, so theyâve started putting things in order legally."
"During that conversation, they told us that most of what they have, including the house and their savings, will go to my sister."
"Their reasoning was that she wonât be able to manage on her own without that support."
"Then, almost immediately after saying that, they told me they want me to be the one handling everything else. Medical decisions, finances, paperwork, basically making sure everything is taken care of if something happens to them."
"I donât think Iâve ever felt that kind of quiet resentment before. It wasnât even really about the money. It was the feeling that Iâve spent my whole adult life proving I can stand on my own, and somehow that has turned into me being expected to carry everyone else, too."
"I tried to explain how hurtful that felt, but they kept telling me I should be more understanding."
The OP wanted to start putting herself first after that conversation.
"Since then, something in me has shifted. I donât call as often. I donât jump in to help the way I used to."
"When my dad asked me to come over and help sort through some documents last week, I told him I couldnât and that maybe my sister should start taking on some of that responsibility. That didnât go over well."
"My sister called me afterward, sounding uncomfortable and apologizing, even though none of this is really her fault."
"I told her I wasnât angry at her; I was hurt by the way our parents are treating us differently. Now everything feels tense. Every interaction feels careful and strained."
"I feel guilty abandoning them, but it's unfair that I take all the responsibility while my sister gets all the support."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP and what she was going through.
"I would go absolutely ballistic if something like this happened to me, after years of therapy. My situation isn't quite as cut and dried, but ne'r do well sibling got a bunch of money from mom over the years."
"Guess who had to step up with tens of thousands of dollars to help her not have to move into a s**thole at age 85?"
"(The upside is that my name is on the deed to her condo, so she can't just give it to him. I'll be amazed if he doesn't wind up with all her jewelry or anything else that's worth money, though.)" - toodleoo57
"NOR. My parents obviously favour my older sibling too. Helped him with post-secondary education, helped him travel for a year before helping buy him a house. Then when it was time for me⊠everything was used up and gone." - NewSpend2957
"NOR. They don't help you. You don't help them. Simple."
"DO NOT ever help them again with anything. Now that they are adults, they are expected to handle their own lives. They need to learn independence and responsibility."
"Throw their own words back at them. Every time." - fly1away
"I helped my mother for 10 years after my dad passed. It is a TON of work. She had a lot of medical issues to manage, plus her finances."
"I have three siblings. Everything was split equally, which I was fine with. HOWEVER, if I had ever known that all the assets were not going to be split equally, there is NO WAY I would have been okay with that."
"Right now, I am enraged for you. You have No Idea whatâs involved here. I most definitely didnât either."
"I strongly urge you to sit your parents down and emphatically tell them that you are OUT as of right now if assets are not being equally distributed. Your sister can handle it ALL. Tell them they need to make HER their durable and medical POA, not you."
"If they say theyâll change things, then you need a copy of the IRREVOCABLE trust paperwork after theyâve set it up, which names both of you equally with all the assets listed. NOR at all!" - DazzlingPotion
"Very unfair and they have created the mess that OP's sister has turned out to be by enabling her all these years and not making her be responsible for herself."
"My husband's older brother has also unfortunately spent every dime he ever made and made such poor decisions that have put him in an awful financial situation. My husband has always worked hard, made sound decisions, and is very successful."
"His mom is older and in poor health, and my husband has POA over medical and financial decisions. She is leaving her house and money to them equally, not giving it all to the one she thinks 'needs it the most.'"
"The fact that OP's parents are expecting her to step up and handle their medical and financial issues is bulls**t." - Beautiful_Camel_17
Others agreed and urged the OP to decline a role in her parents' care or preparations.
"Decline to be POA (Power of Attorney), being designated as medical durable power of attorney, etc. If they still name you as executor of their will, you do not have to accept. Say no."
"Maybe they need to sit down with a lawyer and a financial advisor and set up a legal trust for your sister so you donât need to be involved at all."
"You have every right to feel like you do." - WhichWitch9402
"If older sissy gets everything, she d**n well needs to EARN it. She can do that by taking the JOB of executor instead of being GIVEN everything her whole life. This is why she's a jobless charity case atm. No one has made her work for or earn a d**n thing."
"NOR, and you wouldn't be even if you went full no contact and completely dropped the rope. I hope you do." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"NOR. Your parents are taking you for granted, and it's probably in your best interest to go completely no contact or very, very low contact to let them know exactly what they are proposing in your future." - zxylady
"NOR. OP, theyâre telling you that you should do all the work and then let your sister take all the money and property."
"And that wonât be the end of it; I bet youâll have to help your sister once she blows through the money and canât afford the house."
"OP, I would go no contact, if the sister is getting the bulk of the inheritance, then she needs to do the work and step up."
"I think itâs imperative that you take a large step back; your parents created a monster not really capable of surviving on her own, and theyâre setting you up to be her âparentâ once theyâre gone." - Vegetable-Cod-2340
"NTA. Did they seriously think they could just disinherit you without destroying your relationship with them? Iâd go no contact while you process this, to be honest." - Patient_Meaning_2751
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"After reading through all the advice and messages, I realized the sooner I stepped back from this situation, the better it would be for me."
"I called my parents today and tried to explain how I felt. Part of me still hoped they might understand, even though I knew they probably wouldnât. I gave specific examples of how Iâve supported myself since college and never asked them for financial help, while theyâve consistently stepped in for my sister when she struggled."
"I brought up the estate conversation, too. It hurt to hear that most of what they have will go to her because she 'needs it more,' while Iâm expected to take on all the responsibility, medical decisions, finances, and paperwork when things get difficult. It made me feel like my role in the family is based on what I can handle, not how Iâm valued as their child."
The OP's parents refused to listen to her concerns.
"They didnât really let me finish. They kept interrupting and repeating that Iâm 'independent' and 'capable' and that my sister isnât, so this is just how it has to be."
"When I said it still felt unfair, they got defensive and told me not to expect anything from them. At one point, they even said that if I truly cared, I should be helping more with my momâs care."
"That was the point where something clicked for me. Being capable doesnât mean I donât have limits, and it doesnât mean I should carry everything. I told them I couldnât accept a situation where Iâm excluded from support but expected to take on all the responsibility."
The OP finally said no.
"I said they should completely remove me from their will and any roles, like executor or medical power of attorney. I donât want anything from them, financially or otherwise. I also told them they should plan accordingly, whether that means hiring help or making other arrangements, because Iâm no longer willing to take that on."
"The call ended badly. There was a lot of yelling and crying, and I eventually hung up. But afterward, I felt something I hadnât felt in a while: relief. Like a weight I didnât even fully realize I was carrying is finally gone."
"I have a good life. I have a supportive partner, a stable home, and Iâm preparing to start my PhD. Weâre even talking about starting a family. For the first time, I feel like I can focus on my own future without this constant sense of obligation hanging over me."
"I donât know what happens next with my parents, and Iâm sure things will stay tense for a while. But for now, I feel at peace with the boundary I set."
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP's bravery and standing up for herself.
"Dang, strong woman, you called that meeting to ORDER! Much respect." - luckyartie
"I know that must have been so hard, but honestly, good for you. Youâve definitely been taken advantage of, so taking that step back for yourself was the best thing you could have done. I hope this relief lasts and things continue to work out for you!!" - Rough-Way-711
"You made the right call. They need to figure out their own s**t. Just donât be shocked when they show up in 15 to 20 years expecting you to take them in when they give all their money to your sister." - BeautifulChaosEnergy
"OP, I'm glad that you stated your position with your parents. They stated their position, and you stated yours in response. I hope that your parents change their position, but they should not be surprised when you follow through on letting them find their own solutions instead of calling on you." - AgeLower1081
"I think you're incredibly brave, and I wish you the best with your newly earned freedom!!! Congratulations on stepping out from under a yoke of oppression and putting it right back where it needs to be, in their laps."
"Be prepared for a disaster story, the end is near, sob tear jerker, how could you do this to them kind of tale... they don't get it, and probably never will."
"My mom sure didn't; she gave everything to my sister. I walked away from it and her. It was the hardest thing I ever did, being ME."
"So congratulations, best wishes, and remember, they did this to themselves, not you. You tried, you seriously tried, but the crap sandwich they so lovingly made for you is still a pile of crap. You don't need it."
"NOR." - Far-Ad-9073
This must have been hard for the OP to do after spending her entire life being self-sufficient and overly giving to those around her. But it was important for her to understand that she could put herself first, and the people in her life needed to respect her boundaries.
Her family would likely try to spin this as her wanting money and being greedy, but if they were willing to look in the mirror, they'd see two aging parents who had dramatically parentified their younger daughter while enabling their older daughter, even after their deaths.
