Taking on a fixer-upper house can be a big task.
Some homes are beyond repair.
Many homes need a complete redo from top to bottom.
That is a lot of work for professionals, let alone home owners.
Many a homeowner has tried to take on home reno, and it can lead to disaster.
Redditor ngobbler turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for refusing to move into a free house with my partner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context: my B[oy]F[riend]’s grandparents left behind a house for him to eventually inherit."
"It’s a very old, massive house, fully paid off."
"But it’s a hoarder's house, worse than you can imagine, and it’s incredibly dilapidated."
"Nobody has lived there in over 6 years or so."
"I’ve lived in houses that needed full renovations."
"I’ve even lived in houses in countries people would say are 'a third world country,' where we had a literal skylight."
"So I think I have the right idea as to what a run-down house looks like."
"My boyfriend, on the other hand, is very naive about everything and grew up comfortably."
"He fully underestimates or just blatantly doesn’t understand the cost of fixing up a house."
"The house is fully paid off."
"But I know after having seen it, the cost in fixing it is more than the house itself costs."
"From emptying it, exterminating it, gutting it, and building back up again will take a fortune."
"Money we don’t have."
"We’re in our early 20’s, scrapping by to be in our current apartment."
"He doesn’t understand at all how much money goes into fixing such a big house, the property tax that would need to be paid, etc."
"He’s convinced his dad (who’s never given him a dime) would help him fix it."
"His dad has possession of the house and hasn’t even looked in its direction."
"Here’s my issue- besides the fact that it’s an incredibly expensive house to fix..."
"1- We currently live about two hours away from the location."
"I’m the only daughter of two very sick and disabled parents, whom I love more than life."
"They are the only family I have left."
"Even in my own apartment, I still tend and care for them."
"I visit all the time."
"When the emergencies DO happen, I’m there in minutes."
"I don’t think I can willingly live 2+ hours away from them."
"I don’t even think I could live with myself to willingly make that choice."
"There’s also my job, which is entirely clientele-based."
"His isn’t."
"If I make the move, I immediately lose most of my clients, which then means I practically lose my paycheck."
"Building a clientele in this other county would be incredibly difficult, as it’s basically only an elderly town."
"Nothing to do."
"There might as well be tumbleweed."
"My boyfriend doesn’t put any of this into consideration, especially the distance between my parents and me."
"All he says is 'it will all be okay,' or 'you’re an overthinker.'"
"It’s a massive house."
"We’re only two people with no plans to have kids soon."
"I’m currently struggling to keep a 1,000 square foot apartment clean with a full-time job, God I can’t imagine the upkeep on a large house, yard, and pool. "
"He helps me around... Ish."
"But I’m the main one who does all the cleaning."
"He’s at work, and overtime most of the time, leaving him only 2 days off a month."
"I don’t find it fair to have such a massive responsibility fall basically solely on me."
"And I know that will be the case."
"Call me selfish."
"But I know a house practically ties you down for almost the rest of your life, and I’ve made it clear to anyone and everyone that I don’t plan on having permanent ties to this state."
"That once my parents are no longer with me, I’ll leave this state and never look back."
"A house here would keep me tied down here- longer than I would want or forever."
"I don’t want to be put into a position to basically say goodbye to my dreams."
"I’ve only recently come to this realization in the last year that my boyfriend is basically all talk, no bite."
"He says or promises to do something, and it never happens."
"He’s been talking about how he and his father are going to start emptying out the house on weekends/whatever day off he gets, since this house became a thought in his head."
"It’s never happened."
"He’s been saying this for 2 years."
"He claims we would only temporarily live there- if we got to that point- I know that wouldn’t be true."
"I try not to ever bring up the house in conversation, so that he can entirely forget about it, God forbid he actually gets the motivation to start clearing it."
"I feel like all I’m doing is buying myself time before he attempts to drag me to that house."
"Everything he says about that house, I take with a fine grain of salt."
"We argue about this house all the damn time."
"He sees a free house, an opportunity that’s so good, something not everyone has the opportunity to have."
"All the answers to everything are solved forever."
"I get called an over-thinker, and 'you’re being so negative,' and that my feelings don’t make sense because- it’s a free house!!"
"He gets so irritated with me that I don’t want to live there."
"I don’t feel like he puts me into consideration."
"I truly think that he’s only thinking of himself here."
"Are my feelings and reasons really so bad?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being an a**hole about this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. He can do it by himself." ~ shammy_dammy
"Exactly. If he wants to live in a hoarder house two hours from civilization, he's welcome to."
"But you have a job, aging parents, and a life that doesn't revolve around his fantasy renovation project."
"Hard pass." ~ Sad-Acanthaceae3366
"Exactly. Say you did clean up the house."
"Then, suddenly, people see a value there, and all that work would immediately be forgotten."
"Not to mention, this is a BF, not a husband."
"Say he did get the house in his name, as the GF, it would still mean nothing except free labor for him." ~ CaliforniaJade
"Stop arguing about it."
"If he cleans the house and gets it livable, then you can have a discussion."
"You are basically arguing over a thing that may never materialize."
"Also, you said the house is in his dad's possession?"
"Does that mean Dad is on the title?"
"If so, then it’s crazy to put any money into a house you don’t own." ~ Awkward-Train1584
"Sounds like you're not compatible and for good reason."
"NTA, but I think you know where this is headed." ~ Necessary_Sir_5079
"Concurring with the fact that you may not be compatible at this stage of your life."
"If he can not understand your reservations and respect caring for your family, he is not worthy of your help."
"You seriously need to make decisions that are right for you."
"You are not even married."
"Just considering this type of disturbance to your life should wake you up."
"You may be an 'over thinker,' but he needs to be realistic."
"The added stress you will endure while you try to do and pay for the renovations on a house you do not own, still try to care for your family now 2 hours away, and rebuild your career will not be easy or pleasant, especially with someone who seems to disregard your decision-making." ~ Aggravating_Donut_88
"Some jobs are just too big."
"Even the tools to do repairs sometimes are too much to buy or rent if you are starting from scratch."
"Let him go start cleaning it out on weekends."
"Once he finds flat cats and mouse dung and mold… he might realize this house is hazardous to your health."
"Encourage him to try it with a friend and see what it takes." ~ Whybaby16154
"NTA. Your BOYFRIEND can move to this dilapidated, hoarder house by himself."
"You’re not even at the marriage stage of your relationship, and he’s asking you to uproot your entire life and leave your elderly parents for what exactly?"
"So you can empty it out for him and clean it up?"
"And he doesn’t even have possession of the house!"
"His dad has."
"Girl, you need to put yourself first."
"Your boyfriend is a dud."
"Many of our first relationships in our 20s are, and we women put way too much effort into maintaining them." ~ NoBodyCares2000
"If you have commitments to your parents that prevent you from living in the house… then don’t live in the house."
"He can move if he wants."
"You guys can see each other when schedules permit."
"If he inherits the house, he can sell it as a fixer-upper."
"Or he can take a loan and flip it."
"So rather than explain all the things that you know that he doesn’t and all the ways you don’t trust him to follow through, keep it simple and tell him you can’t live that far from your parents."
"NTA for not wanting to move."
"But I’d be careful wading into the finances with him." ~ Competitive_Key_2981
"NTA. Break it off. Someone who tells you you're an overthinker instead of listening and participating in the conversation about you, your parents, and concerns about distance is dismissive and outright disrespectful."
"If it were me, the entire relationship would end that instant." ~ Vivid-Win-4801
"NTA. Whatever you do, keep your finances separate."
"Do not even buy a scratch ticket with this guy." ~ Loreo1964
This is a messy situation, OP.
Home ownership is never easy.
Reddit is with you.
Your BF needs a serious talking-to from people who know how to fix up houses.
And relationships.
You have to focus on you.
Don't get dragged into a situation you don't feel comfortable with.
