While some couples are able to move past infidelity, many do not. Sometimes the hurt and animosity never goes away, especially if the cheater never accepts accountability for their actions.
A mother dealing with demands from her cheating ex-husband turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
ThrowAITAHAra asked:
“AITAH for how I responded to my ex and his affair partner about her infertility?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My ex-husband (40, male) cheated on me (34, female) with a co-worker (36, female), otherwise known as affair partner (AP). I found out about the affair three years after it started.”
“At the time my husband and I had three very young children together. I kicked him out and filed for divorce. He moved in with his affair partner.”
“They fought for full/primary custody of the children in the divorce, using the two-parent household as an excuse. They lost. Custody is shared and parenting time is 50-50. He married her before the ink was dry on our divorce papers.”
“I think my kids would be better off with me, but I’m realistic that he would need to majorly screw up for that to happen and I can’t wish that for the kids’ sakes. I just hope he does better by them.”
“Things were, and on my end still are, very hostile. She didn’t like that I wished for him to do the same to her. He didn’t like that I told his family I tested for STD’s after learning of his affair.”
“The only reason I told his family is they wanted to know why I couldn’t be friends for the kids’ sake. I told them because before affair partner there was another co-worker I now suspect he also had sex with or wanted to at least and because of those two things I wanted to be sure he didn’t give me anything.”
“My ex told me it was petty and gross when he had one affair only and it was only with one woman for three years.”
“My ex and I use a co-parenting app for communication and I ignore calls and texts. The times this gets tricky is face to face.”
“I need to keep up some kind of civility if my kids might see us together, which is more difficult than some would believe. But I love my kids more than I hate him.”
“Our kids are all school aged now and doing okay. They prefer my house and have a hard time being at their dad’s house some weeks. I have them seeing a therapist to help them process, but I know none of this is ideal.”
“My ex and his affair partner were warned about pressuring the kids to call her mom or mama something, which they were doing for a while, and this warning was backed up by the therapist. The kids don’t like affair partner and I celebrate that in my head every single day.”
“You will never hear me say I’m sad they don’t feel like they have two mom’s when she’s supposed to be the second mom. I find her disgusting to think she can knowingly help destroy their parents’ marriage and then try to make them hers.”
“I do not share any of these feelings with my kids. But the kids know there are issues between mom and dad. They also have some understanding that their dad cheated.”
“This was not something I told them, but how badly he tried to explain some things to them when they asked him questions. He doesn’t believe in therapy, so there was no professional backup to help him.”
“So anyway, around Halloween my ex and the affair partner approached me at the school’s Halloween event. Ex told me we needed to speak and I told them unless it was about the kids we did not.”
“In a quieter moment, they caught me alone and they told me that affair partner is infertile and cannot have biological children and they have been trying for around four years.”
“They told me it would mean so much if I would let go of my hate for them and be more kind to her and encouraging to her and the kids bonding so that she doesn’t feel like an outsider forever.”
“He told me her infertility was painful and she loves our kids and I have successfully stopped them bonding with her. But as someone who always wanted to be a mom and got to be, I should be compassionate.”
“I asked them why they were telling me their own personal, private business that was nothing to do with me.”
“My ex went from calm and pleading to pissed in seconds. He told me that was a disgusting reaction and at the very least I could have offered her my sympathies as my fellow co-parent and our kids’ third parent.”
“I walked away because I did not want to discuss it or argue in case someone (especially our kids) heard. He then texted me several times that night asking where I get my disgusting insensitivity from.”
“He also tried to bring it up at a meeting the two of us had with the school over one of our children (who was not present). I’m ignoring him, but he’s enraged and I had to send the texts over to my attorney for documenting.”
“I expected this to have blown over by now and clearly it hasn’t. For that reason alone I wanted to check what other people thought of my response.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“Not only has he never apologized for destroying our family, but he acted like I caused everything because I was pregnant when the affair originally started.”
“The kids’ experiences at dad’s are negative because of the pressure they’ve had to call the affair partner some kind of mom name, the fact their dad basically admitted to cheating when he explained who she is which left them very confused but he refused to engage more, and other issues like that.”
“I can promise I have never said a word in front of my kids and I have been a good actor in their presence. At no point have I wanted to hurt my kids more by letting them feel all the hate I have for those two.”
“I have checked with their therapist to be sure, but it’s their dad and his affair partner doing the harm to themselves through their behavior and things they’ve said.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole and owed her ex and his affair partner nothing (NTA).
“NTA. It’s almost comical. He wants you to sympathize with his wants. I know you would prefer to have the kids 100% of the time and child support from him. He only cares about sympathy when it works in his favor.”
“Just keep in mind that he is demanding 1 way sympathy after he cheated on you for 3 years. I think he lost any sympathy privileges from you.”
“The only proper response is to take it up with the courts. He brought OP aside because he knew he was demanding a lot and was out of line for even asking it.” ~ Puzzleheaded-Cup-854
“Where was the sympathy from either one of them while they were carrying on their affair? They have none and now expect it from you, well, that’s just laughable.” ~ Shadow4summer
“Yeah, cheating on your wife and mother of your young children for 3 years and then immediately marrying your affair partner is displaying ‘disgusting insensitivity.’ OP not caring about their private medical/fertility issues isn’t insensitive.”
“If they really wanted the kids to form a better relationship with their stepmom, they’d be going to family therapy, but they don’t want to put in the effort. They just want a little perfect family dream to be handed to them by someone who isn’t able to give them that in the first place.” ~ AutisticTumourGirl
“The fact that he tried to get 100% custody so the affair partner could play house with her children is making me mad!” ~ schmyndles
“Where was this ‘compassion’ he talks about when he actively cheated on you for THREE years‽‽ Where was her ‘compassion’ when she continuously and knowingly slept with a married man for THREE years‽‽” ~ PurplePufferPea
“Sending you b*tchy texts is definitely the gateway to a major screwup. Keep checking on the kids to make sure they don’t attempt any bullsh*t.” ~ MediumAwkwardly
“Please continue to talk to your lawyer about these ‘demands’.” ~ No_Stage_6158
“Continue to not engage with them whatsoever about this. They start talking about it, you walk away or hang up. Make no comments or statements. This is no longer open for discussion. Not your responsibility.” ~ mcmurrml
“The man cheated for THREE YEARS, tried to take the kids away full-time, and then got remarried straight after the divorce, but thinks OP is disgustingly insensitive? Good lord, someone buy the man a mirror because he needs some serious self-reflection.” ~ Beth21286
“Narcissists are like vampires – they don’t have reflections.” ~ sphinxsley
“He is basically asking you to validate someone who actively helped destroy your family. That’s not sympathy, that’s Emotional Manipulation 101.” ~ Silly-Deer-9935
“When she broke up your home and wrecked the life of those same children, was she remorseful or sympathetic? I would have told them, ‘Children are a gift from God…’ then stared really hard at her. NTA.” ~ MeeksSoulHunter3
“I’d add, ‘And you could offer your sympathies to my children and me for destroying our family, but you don’t. I’ll follow the example that you set’.” ~ MattDaveys
“Of course, run this by your attorney first, but I’d send through the parenting app. ‘The only communication I want to have with you is about our children through the parenting app. Do not talk to me about your personal life, or about AP. I do not want any communication with her at all. She is not a parent to our children, so there is no reason for her to communicate with me. If either of you ambushes me again at a school function to talk to me in person about your personal life, I will have my attorney seek an order from the court.” ~ Garden_gnome1609
“There is no need for you to talk to them about ANYTHING other than the children, and it was harassment for them to corner you to do so.” ~ christiebeth
Sympathy is a big ask after you blow up another person’s life.
OP isn’t wrong to refuse to give hers to her ex or his affair partner turned wife.