Studies have shown that how people treat babies, toddlers, and preschool children in the United States is highly influenced by their perception of a child's gender. The lessons these children learn shapes how they behave as they grow up.
Even as infants, babies perceived to be boys are encouraged to take up space while girls are encouraged to shrink their personality for the comfort of others. Whether it's the results of these studies or just changing styles, more parents are choosing not to adhere to strict gender stereotypes when dressing their infants and toddlers.
Girls aren't all being slathered in pink, put in only dresses, and covered in bows unless a parent wants that for their child. But some people think pink for girls and blue for boys should be followed at all times.
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an incident with a stranger while shopping.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
ScaredVacation33 asked:
"AITAH for telling a random stranger I don't care if they can tell my child’s gender?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I was in the grocery store with my 4 1/2-year-old son and 18-month-old daughter. My son is very obviously a boy, however my daughter is still in that stage where she doesn’t have much hair so it’s kind of hard to tell."
"She was dressed in a blue tank top outfit with bows and pink stripes, and it said princess across the front of the shirt. Very obviously a girly outfit by societal standards."
"While in the checkout line, this lady, approximately mid 50s remarked on how cute my little boys were. I thanked her and then told her that the youngest was actually a little girl."
"The lady then told me that I should style her hair or put bows in her hair so that it’s obvious to other people that she’s a girl. I told her I really didn’t care what she or anybody else thought because nobody needs to know my child’s gender at the end of the day but me."
"She went on to tell me that I was rude and had a few other choice words for me, which I ignored until the point where she called me a 'bitch' and then I told her to piss off. The cashier kind of giggled."
"The following day I was at work and one of my colleagues who also has a small child around my youngest's age and I were talking about the whole encounter and she said that I was an a**hole."
"So AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"For the people lacking reading comprehension, I was not offended by the initial misgendering of my child. I was offended when the lady snapped back rudely and told me that I needed to dress my child differently for complete strangers so that they can tell."
"Then she decided to call me a couple names and curse at me which is when I matched energies."
"It’s absolutely wild to me how people who don’t pay someone’s mortgage, put food on their table, or contribute to any of their household resources think that they have the right to dictate how somebody lives and what they do. Especially when it doesn’t affect them at all."
"I wouldn’t have cared overall until she told me how I should dress my child. My children have the utmost of hygiene and I keep them dressed very well."
"Just because I don’t wanna throw bows, etc... in my daughter‘s hair doesn’t make it any different in the amount of care that they receive. If only this lady knew how hard I’ve tried to put a bow on her head or put her hair in a ponytail."
"My daughter will not have it and anyone who has toddlers understands how strong willed they are."
"Right now, my daughter has very thin, fine hair and I couldn’t do anything with it beyond a whole head bow, which she tears off before I can even finish getting it on or little clips that are choking hazards that she would rip out right away anyways."
"When she was a small infant, we used to put her in bows because I had fun dressing her up and letting her look cute, but that lasted until she was about six months old. She does not want to wear anything that she does not want to wear any longer."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA. I remember my father, in the 1960s, being angry that a he couldn’t tell whether a long-haired person wearing jeans and a sweat shirt was a man or a woman."
"I suggested that it shouldn’t matter unless he was planning to have sex with them. That earned me boxed ears, but I still stand by it."
"I cannot understand the fixation people have about knowing exactly what other people’s private parts look like. It really is none of their business." ~ Briang3206
"If your kid had been dressed that way and was a boy who had chosen it or it was an emergency outfit or whatever reason, lady really would have gone off her rocker."
"I pulled bows out of my hair when I was a kid. Even yanked them out with hair attached. There's no guarantee bows would have stayed in anyway."
"NTA, even for correcting her that your daughter is your daughter. People are so weird about gender when it comes to literal babies." ~ sheerpoetry
"NTA. My response to the stranger would have been, 'why do you care?'." ~ Therealmagicwands
"No, you are NTA. Who cares what some random person thinks? Especially one so obviously irritable." ~ Enough-Reindeer1033
"NTA. I think it's weird when people put giant bows or pull what little hair a girl has into pigtails (that prob hurt because they don't have enough hair so it has to be tight) just so strangers know whether a child is a boy or girl." ~ trilliumsummer
"I'm the same with my baby girl. I feel like tying her hair or putting in bows could hurt her, especially if she yanked on it. And I personally feel like a lot of headbands look uncomfortable."
"I have a few soft ones for special moments like pictures, but I feel bad for all the little girls having their hair pulled tight or itchy headbands on all the time." ~ Box-O-Kittenz
"And then there's the Duggars (you know, that super Christian family with the bajillion kids and the 2 and counting pedophile sons—Josh and Joseph) who would go so far as to clip on FAKE HAIR to their girl babies' heads just so no one could dare mistake them for boys." ~ Blenderx06
"I've seen videos of young moms pulling a few strands of hair on each side of the baby's little head into "pigtails" that just look sad, while bragging about how the little girl finally has enough hair for pigtails. Um no, she really doesn't. And why is this some big deal?" ~ UnicornStudRainbow
The OP provided some final thoughts after Reddit weighed in.
"Holy hell I didn’t expect this to blow up like this... wow! Thank you to those being kind. To those calling names, good luck being so bitter in life."
"For those thinking they have me in a 'gotcha' moment by saying 'if you don’t care then why did you correct her,' it was purely reflexive speech and while I know small talk in public isn’t the most common thing in every country, where I’m at in the southern United States it is."
"This interaction was akin to when you’re checking out at the grocery store and the cashier asks you ‘hi, how’s your day going?’ and you respond ‘good, and you?’ even though neither of you truly gives a damn and the responses aren’t real—it’s just being polite."
"That’s all this was—reflexive conversation where I was polite until she was not."
"I don’t know if I project my own childhood on my daughter or not, but my maternal grandmother insisted on constantly dressing me up like her little doll. I also went to a Quaker school growing up, so I remember winters being forced to wear a dress because I had to be church appropriate."
"We were not allowed jackets or tights and I remember being forced to go outside for recess and freezing my a** off. I remember being forced to have my hair in spit curls and being fussed over and not being able to just enjoy life."
"I’m pretty sure that’s what drove me to be a tomboy. At the end of the day, my kids are human beings and they are not my personal little dress up dolls. My goal is to always respect their autonomy and their individual personalities."
OP isn't required to adhere to gender stereotypes just for the comfort of strangers. Her children's comfort and happiness are, rightfully, her priority.
