Content Warning: Gender Reveal, Gender Reveal Grief, Misogyny, Domestic Abuse, Divorce
Gender reveal parties have developed an infamous presence, not just because of the damage they can cause like wildfires, but because of how unsavory some future parents' reactions to their child's gender can be.
As real as gender reveal grief can be, that grief should never lead to violence, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Open_Breadfruit_5391 was having a good time at her gender reveal party and was looking forward to seeing the reveal of the genders of her soon-to-be-born triplets.
But when it was revealed that all three babies were girls and her husband became violent at the news, the Original Poster (OP) immediately began contemplating divorce.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH For Wanting To Divorce My Husband Because He Wants A Son?"
The OP had a beyond-perfect marriage.
"I (27 Female) have been with my husband (29 Male) for five years and married for three of those years. Our marriage was perfect and we were so happy. It felt like our entire life was perfect. Church on Sunday, loving husband, beautiful home, all of it."
"A few months into our marriage, I became pregnant, and my husband and I were overjoyed and so was the rest of our family. My husband was especially happy after finding out our baby was a boy as he'd always told me he wanted at least one son."
"I even started to try to attempt to repair my relationship with my mother so our son could have a relationship with his grandparents."
"I had originally cut off most contact with my mother due to how she treated my brother when he married his husband, though my brother said he was fine with my decision to try to get her back in my life since he still has love for her and my baby was her first grandchild."
Then tragedy struck.
"However, our son ended up stillborn, and it broke me."
"I fell into a depression... but my husband was there for me during all of it, and we got through the grief."
"Our marriage felt stronger than ever and life started slowly feeling beautiful again, even if it no longer felt perfect."
But then the OP and her husband got a second chance.
"About five months ago, I found out I was pregnant again and then found out soon after that we were having triplets. My husband and I were over the moon and he was the most doting and loving husband. Since we had always said we wanted two to three children, we agreed we wouldn't try for any more children after this."
"Because of our and our family's excitement for the triplets, we decided to throw a baby shower and gender reveal party. We trusted my brother with the genders of the triplets and he bought some confetti cannons with the colored streamers inside."
"The baby shower went wonderfully with my parents, in-laws, my brother and his husband and their daughter, and tons of friends and extended family. It was like a dream come true and I was so excited for the gender reveal."
"I don't care what the gender of our babies was; I just wanted healthy little babies, but my husband was clearly excited for potentially three sons."
The gender reveal didn't go as planned.
"When the time came my husband, my brother, and I all shot a confetti cannon (one for each baby), and all three shot out pink confetti."
"I was so excited and so was my brother, but my husband screamed at the top of his lungs and hit the table in front of us, hitting it so hard that it actually broke."
"He screamed at me that I was supposed to give him at least one son because I killed his first one."
"That's when I burst into tears. I had been so broken up about our son's stillbirth and a part of me had felt it was my fault, and now he my husband, the love of my life, was telling me that it was."
"My brother immediately stepped in and tried to get my husband to calm down, but my husband shoved my brother, so my brother instead pulled me inside, where I cried in the living room while my husband's mother tried to calm him down."
"I could hear him screaming outside about how three daughters was too many, how he doesn't want four kids but he also wants a son, so what choice did I leave him now."
The OP had to make a tough decision.
"Ever since that moment, my husband has hardly talked to me. He's been sleeping in the guest room and when we do interact, he's clearly upset and mad and tries to argue with me."
"I tried to talk to him about it and asked about how he'll be with our three daughters."
"He spat at me and told me he would provide them shelter and food but he isn't interested in daughters and doesn't plan to have a close relationship with them."
"That sealed the deal that I wanted to divorce him, and I cried myself to sleep last night."
The women in the OP's life were not supportive of the idea.
"Earlier today, I confided in my mother and MIL (Mother-in-Law) about all this but they told me I can't divorce my husband just because he wants a son."
"But I don't want my daughters to grow up in an unloving household where their parents constantly argue and their father doesn't love them."
"The moment my husband said I killed our son, I felt as though I lost all love I had for him in an instant, and I don't want my daughters to be in that kind of household."
"However, both my mom and MIL say it's just natural for men to want sons and that at least he isn't saying he'll mistreat them. They treated this as absolute fact and acted as though I was just a silly little girl who didn't know anything. I felt incredibly small and stupid."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do next.
"I don't know what to do."
"My mother and MIL make me feel like maybe I'm overreacting to my husband's behavior, but my brother says this is not normal as he and his husband are both men who absolutely love their daughter."
"I'm also not sure of what I'll do with myself if I divorce my husband. I don't work and I'm not sure how I'll be able to find a job that can support me and three babies all on my own, or how I'll make time for all of them when I have to work. I feel so lost and helpless."
"I'm torn on what to do because I worry divorce will be too brash of a decision and that maybe my mother and MIL are right. What should I do?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Fellow Redditors urged the OP to get herself and her daughters to safety.
"NTA. You're not divorcing him because he wants a son; you're divorcing him because he has said some truly unforgivable things."
"I'm so sorry about your son; please know it wasn't your fault. Your husband it's truly vile to say what he did and that alone is grounds to end your marriage. Good luck, OP." - amyloulie
"OP is NTA and is not divorcing a man mourning the loss of a son. She's divorcing a man who already hates his unborn daughters."
"OP, you can help support your babies by filing for child support. Her husband is obviously a man in pain, but she and the babies shouldn't have to be the bearers of that pain." - EmotionalOven4
"I cannot imagine being present at that event and just standing there saying nothing while he behaved in such an unhinged way. And then to hear him tell you that it was okay and you need to let it go? Absolutely not."
"Run and run fast. Call your local DV (Domestic Violence) shelter. They're not just for people in DV situations. They can often point you to local resources to help get you on your feet financially." - Murky_Ad_7468
"For what it's worth, the husband DID say he would mistreat his daughters. Saying he explicitly will not have a relationship with them is a parent mistreating their child. So mother and MIL (Mother-in-Law) are incorrect and this comment says all OP needs." - EmployeePotential622
"Anyone else want to find this man, proceed to form a line, and give him a swift kick in the balls?"
"I normally don't condone violence, but between not loving his children because of their gender and blaming his poor wife for the trauma of losing a child when it is nobody's fault, I don't think he even deserves the chance to have more kids."
"He will either wind up mistreating more daughters or treat his son like the second coming of J**us and make his daughters feel worthless just from the love he won't bother to extend to them." - ThisNerdsYarn
After receiving feedback and reassurance about a divorce, the OP shared an update.
"I didn't expect to have an update so soon, but after reading everyone's comments, I decided to take action immediately and went to my brother's house."
"We talked for hours through the night and came up with a plan."
"I am going to divorce my husband. He's shown the kind of man he is and I don't want to live in or raise daughters in that kind of environment."
The OP had a strong support system behind her.
"I'm going to move in with my brother and BIL (Brother-in-Law) during all this. He and his husband have a nice, large house where I can have my own room and a nursery for the triplets."
"I originally worried that perhaps myself and three babies would be overwhelming or a burden to him and my BIL, but they assured me they would love to have us here. I knew everything would be okay when my brother even offered to have a baby monitor put in their bedroom so he could help if more than one of the triplets woke up during the night."
"My BIL has a nice, high-paying job and my brother works from home, so I will have a stable environment and my brother will help with his nieces. My own niece is excited for us to live with her."
"The current plan is I will live with my brother and BIL for a while and once my babies are old enough where I feel comfortable putting them in daycare, which my BIL has offered to pay for, then I can try to find a job of my own where I can save up money and eventually move into a nice place of my own with my daughters."
"I'm so thankful for my brother and BIL; they truly feel like angels."
The OP and her brother also had a plan for their mother.
"My brother and I are also going to go no contact with my mother."
"My brother and I discussed her behavior with us growing up, how she treated him when he came out and also got married, and how she's treated me these past few days."
"We decided this was the best course of action as we've given her many chances in our lives to became more stable and kind but she's always refused them, and we want our daughters to grow up with a loving family."
"When I knew my husband had left for church this morning, my brother, BIL, and I went to my house and got all my important things such as documents, clothes, and things that are special to me as well as all the baby things."
"My BIL's mother watched my niece while we did all this. She's a kind woman and has offered to be a grandmother to my babies, which I happily accepted. I will admit that I cried, I've cried a lot lately, but they were mostly happy tears."
The OP also had support from her church.
"Because my brother and I didn't go to church, my ladies' bible study group texted me and asked if we were alright and if we needed anything."
"I texted them back and told them the truth about what happened, and they were all horrified. They told me they support me and are proud of me for taking action, and are now even planning a bake sale at the church to help raise money for me and my babies."
"Also, apparently when my husband went out to lunch after church with his men's bible study group, one of the other members is the husband of one of my friends in my bible study group, and when he found out what happened, he yelled at my husband so much that he cried. I got a little bit of joy out of hearing about that, not going to lie."
"My pastor even called me and asked if I'm okay, and he let me know that I'll always have people who support me at my church, which I'm very grateful for."
The OP's soon-to-be ex-husband then lashed out at her.
"After my husband came home from church and saw that most of my stuff was gone, he blew up my phone."
"My BIL called him for me and said that he would pay for my husband to get therapy for his grief over our son and also told him to leave me alone. My husband has not tried to contact me since, and he has yet to give my BIL an answer for his therapy offer."
"All in all, I'm so grateful for my brother and BIL. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without them. I'm hopeful for the future, and while this isn't the kind of future I imagined myself or my babies, this is definitely the best one I can currently give them. They say it takes a village, and my babies will definitely have a village full of love and support."
"Thank you and bless you to everyone who left comments supporting me. I'm grateful for all of them. I'm glad I could give you a very speedy and happy update."
Fellow Redditors were endlessly relieved that the OP had support and got away.
"I am so happy you have a strong support group! You are doing what is best for you and your girls. Giving them a happy, safe life with people who care about them."
"Do not let your soon-to-be ex gaslight you into going back to him. He has shown you who he really is and you need to remember that."
"His cruel words about your son are unforgivable. Best of luck!" - Different-Effect2069
"I know, they're showing an example of what good parents actually are like. Their daughter is lucky to have them for parents and OP is lucky to have them for family and so are her unborn daughters." - Unusual-Focus1905
"OP is also sort of lucky this happened the way it did. What if she had had one daughter, then they kept trying and ended up having two more daughters down the line? What if over the years they still didn't end up with a son and he blew up later? She could have been stuck with him for years without seeing this behavior."
"Good that she got it all out in the open in one shot, in my opinion, and I'm grateful she had this support system backing her while she got it all figured out." - larenardemaigre
"I am happily surprised the church is supporting you. That's what a church is SUPPOSED to do. Most can't get out of their own way. So hold tight, momma."
"Love your two brothers (in-law means nothing based on how he treats you as blood), and make a new family for yourself." - llamadrama2021
"Your brother and his husband sound like angels. You and your children will be very lucky to have such a loving family in their lives."
"You're definitely making the right decision! I'm sure you've already considered this, but definitely be sure to discuss all of this with a divorce attorney as soon as possible so that you can get your ducks in a row for child custody and potentially child support from your ex, as well." - Brodondo
The subReddit not only thought it was a no-brainer for the OP to walk away from her marriage, but they were grateful she was doing it as soon as possible to keep herself and her three daughters safe and that she had such a strong support system her while she started safely anew.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp