Many people spend tons of time dreaming about becoming parents.
They pick out their favorite names and make plans for the future.
Of course, most people say they don't care about gender as long as the baby is healthy.
But there are plenty of wishful parents who make specific plans for specific genders.
And when those plans go awry, they sometimes don't take it well.
Redditor Prudent-Seesaw-1732 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my Mom's family I don't owe her because she had gender disappointment?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom never wanted a boy."
"She wanted girls."
"Apparently her dream was 4 daughters."
"But she had me (16 M[ale]) first."
"I have seen photos and videos of the day I was born."
"She cried hysterically when they told her I was a boy."
"Then she refused to hold me."
"After we were cleaned up she cried about not using the name she had chosen and said she didn't know how to move on from it."
"All this was caught on camera."
"Eventually my paternal grandma took me and she was the person to hold me in photos and videos taken during the rest of our hospital stay."
"My paternal grandma was my sole parent figure for the first 8 years of my life."
"She took care of me and I spent so much time at her house."
"Sometimes I was there for weeks."
"Then she had a brain bleed and died."
"So I was left with a Mom who wanted girls and not a boy and a Dad who wanted to be a provider and nothing more."
"My Mom had my sister 'Lily' two years after me."
"So Mom got her girl and Lily got all her attention."
"While I got grandma until I was 8 and then nobody."
"My Mom and Lily are super close and Mom adores Lily."
"Lily got the bigger bedroom, she gets the gifts, she gets all her favorite snacks, she gets to do all the extracurricular activities she could ever want and her birthdays are huge parties with huge gifts."
"Christmas she gets at minimum?"
"25 gifts from mom alone."
"Mom typically gets me one... never anything I'd like or want but you know, thought that counts (which is zero)."
"My Mom's family don't act too interested in making up for my lack of parental love."
"And in the last couple of years, Mom and I have argued more and I give her a hard time."
"Dad's never around to give him one."
"But mom?"
"If she wants to ignore me then she can hear how shi**y it is and if she wants to treat my sister like a perfect angel then she can hear about it. "
"Mom has mentioned how I ruined her dream of four daughters."
"We were at Mom's parent's house Friday and Mom gushed about Lily doing good on a project and the scooter she got Lily to help her get around easier."
"She got Lily a custom helmet and a personalized lock for her scooter."
"She couldn't stop talking about it and I told her she really does love to shower her favorite with gifts and praise."
"My Mom's family told me I should take it easier on her and said I should understand we had 'some little troubles' because of mom's gender disappointment."
"I told them I don't owe her sh*t because she had gender disappointment and that I didn't ask to be born to a Mom who only wanted daughters."
"They told me I lacked adult understanding and compassion."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your mum is toxic and extremely shallow."
"So many out there are desperate for a healthy baby... regardless of gender."
"She's blessed with just that and rejects it."
"I'm so sorry your mum is like that and for the loss of your grandmother."
"The good news is that you're almost an adult."
'My advice is to focus on yourself and work hard so you can get out of there."
"Then, you can choose when you see her and in what capacity."
"Side note: I really hate the concept of gender disappointment and feel it's becoming more obvious with these huge trendy gender reveals."
"Nobody needs to see their parents bratting because they're not what they expected."
"People need to grow tf up and realize what's important in life." ~ Front_Scholar9757
"I have 2 girls and 2 boys."
"I love them all to pieces and would do anything for them."
"My older son is 17 and I can't imagine treating him as you've been treated, I'm so sorry."
"You sound like a kind, smart, sweet, and empathetic kid."
"Your mom is toxic and doesn't deserve you."
"You will go far in life, please try not to let this determine who you are."
"I'm proud of you. Xoxo." ~ ViolentFemme1973
"Sending you love too!"
"My mom always wanted a boy but had all the girls but never made us feel like she loved us less."
"Your mom and family are garbage, and they are ruining your sister, who I do feel sorry for in a way."
"She will be so spoiled real life will kick her butt, and your mom will only have taught her she deserves everything just for being born."
"You though seem strong, bright, loving, and can see right from wrong."
"Those traits will take you far in life."
"I am so sorry, but look to the future. If you have any kids, keep them all away from her, as she will treat them the same way she treats your sister."
"Good luck, and I wish you many happy years in the future without any of them." ~ DGhostAunt
"OP, I am so very, very sorry."
"As a Mom to both daughters and sons, I can not imagine favoring one over another to begin with - let alone because of 'gender disappointment.'"
"Your Grandma did love you with her whole heart."
"Do not ever doubt that."
"I promise you she was so catastrophically disappointed in your Mom and her behavior towards you."
"Know you never deserved this, and your Mom's family is insane for believing 'gender disappointment' is an excuse for anything."
"The ONLY thing your Mom's family should have done was get her into intense therapy."
"Your Dad was insane for having another child with her." ~ ZombieHealthy2616
"OP, I truly am sorry that you were born into a family of AHs."
"Your mother's family 'tree' is actually more like a sick plant."
"They're dumb AF."
"Your father is anything but a father."
"Focus on your studies."
"Minimize your daily contact with your mother."
"Get what you can from your parents until you can leave."
"Given their lack of love, treat the relationship as strictly transactional."
"I believe in karma."
"With that said, there's going to be a day your mother rues her treatment of you."
"Your father, too. Regardless, live the best life you can."
"Focus on you."
"YOU OWE YOUR PARENTS NOTHING!!!"
"Continue to express your feelings and disappointment." ~ Tight-Shift5706
"NTA! Your mom is extremely toxic!!"
"Do you have any aunts or uncles that you can turn to?"
"Please save all legal documents... birth certificate..etc and when you're 18 years old, move out and go N[o] C[ontact] with all of them."
"Do this for your mental health." ~ Any-Maintenance5828
"Sounds like your grandma loved you, sorry she's gone."
"Only a couple more years."
"It will feel like a long time then suddenly be over."
"Once you are out and on your own, you can ignore your mom just as much as she ignored you, and find happiness elsewhere."
"Try not to take it out on your sister if she isn't being crazy too though." ~ ThatNetworkGuy
"Gender disappointment is a real thing."
"However, normal people get over it and go on to love their children and not give a crap about their gender."
"When I found out I was having a third boy, I cried."
"I'm not going to lie—I was really sad."
"However, it lasted about 10 minutes, and then I was so excited. I talked about all the money we would save and how excited my other boys would be to have another brother to play with."
"I love my boys and couldn't imagine my life any other way."
"Also, my children do not know that I had that small moment of disappointment!"
"This is why I hate gender reveals."
"It puts people's emotions on blast and, if they're the tiniest bit disappointed, everyone sees it and they are raked over the coals."
"I'm not talking about the ridiculous acts of disappointment. I'm talking about the little ones like a slightly sad face or turning away from the camera for a moment."
"Everybody should be allowed to adjust to the gender in their own way without a camera shoved in their face."
"NTA OP - your mom is toxic and borderline abusive."
"The way she tosses it in your face that you aren't the child she wanted is disgusting."
"What's even more vile is that her family is enabling her awful behavior."
"You deserve to be loved, and I'm sorry you don't have that."
"Please just hang on."
"In 2 years, you can be free."
"I know 2 years seems a long way off, but it's really not."
"Again, I'm really sorry for all you are going through." ~ bookworm1421
"I agree. The gender disappointment lasted like 10 minutes."
"I wanted a boy and had a girl."
"Took less than 5 mins to get over it."
"Once I saw her I had butterflies."
"I couldn't stop smiling and was tearing up."
"I literally thanked everybody in that OR while they were wheeling me to recovery. "
"I Had a C-section and didn't check gender before birth."
"First word out of my mouth when I saw my mom 'Did you see how cute is she?'"
"I have a picture on the OR table, and I am smiling so much."
"OP's mom is shi**y."
"She is so twisted in her perfect picture of the family she wants that she doesn't know how to handle one."
"It's juvenile. I feel so sorry for OP." ~ casual_rain
"More than toxic."
"Your mom is flat-out abusive."
"I hope you go NC with the whole lot of them as soon as you are financially independent from them."
"Your whole family is disgusting."
"I'm sorry you had this as your family, OP. NTA." ~ hellvillehere
"I think gender disappointment is a reason to find out the gender before birth."
"At least then you're not confronted with the disappointment when you're literally in your hospital gown."
"Being upset about the gender of your child is ok, but you need to get over it."
"It's absolutely not ok to take it out on the child. NTA." ~ lazy__goth
"Let's not forget about Dad here."
"Yes, Mom sucks."
"But if OP had a dad worth anything, he would have had his back, calling out his wife about her behavior and filling the gap."
"In some ways, Dad is even worse since he sits idly by and watches one of his children be neglected."
"I'm glad your grandma was there for you when you were young, but why didn't she call your Dad out when she had the chance!?! NTA." ~ leeanforward
"NTA, but your mom really is."
"If I were in your shoes, I would cut my mother and anyone who supports her out of my life completely."
"And when you have kids, guess who doesn't get to meet her beloved granddaughter?"
"Your mom." ~ JimmyAintSure4646
This is such a sad story, OP.
Reddit is completely in your corner. This is outrageously unfair.
Perhaps you could have a serious sit down with your Dad and a therapist.
He really needs to have a complete understanding of your life and feelings.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp