Many people spend tons of time dreaming about becoming parents.
They pick out their favorite names and make plans for the future.
Of course, most people say they don’t care about gender as long as the baby is healthy.
But there are plenty of wishful parents who make specific plans for specific genders.
And when those plans go awry, they sometimes don’t take it well.
Redditor Prudent-Seesaw-1732 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my Mom’s family I don’t owe her because she had gender disappointment?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mom never wanted a boy.”
“She wanted girls.”
“Apparently her dream was 4 daughters.”
“But she had me (16 M[ale]) first.”
“I have seen photos and videos of the day I was born.”
“She cried hysterically when they told her I was a boy.”
“Then she refused to hold me.”
“After we were cleaned up she cried about not using the name she had chosen and said she didn’t know how to move on from it.”
“All this was caught on camera.”
“Eventually my paternal grandma took me and she was the person to hold me in photos and videos taken during the rest of our hospital stay.”
“My paternal grandma was my sole parent figure for the first 8 years of my life.”
“She took care of me and I spent so much time at her house.”
“Sometimes I was there for weeks.”
“Then she had a brain bleed and died.”
“So I was left with a Mom who wanted girls and not a boy and a Dad who wanted to be a provider and nothing more.”
“My Mom had my sister ‘Lily’ two years after me.”
“So Mom got her girl and Lily got all her attention.”
“While I got grandma until I was 8 and then nobody.”
“My Mom and Lily are super close and Mom adores Lily.”
“Lily got the bigger bedroom, she gets the gifts, she gets all her favorite snacks, she gets to do all the extracurricular activities she could ever want and her birthdays are huge parties with huge gifts.”
“Christmas she gets at minimum?”
“25 gifts from mom alone.”
“Mom typically gets me one… never anything I’d like or want but you know, thought that counts (which is zero).”
“My Mom’s family don’t act too interested in making up for my lack of parental love.”
“And in the last couple of years, Mom and I have argued more and I give her a hard time.”
“Dad’s never around to give him one.”
“But mom?”
“If she wants to ignore me then she can hear how shi**y it is and if she wants to treat my sister like a perfect angel then she can hear about it. “
“Mom has mentioned how I ruined her dream of four daughters.”
“We were at Mom’s parent’s house Friday and Mom gushed about Lily doing good on a project and the scooter she got Lily to help her get around easier.”
“She got Lily a custom helmet and a personalized lock for her scooter.”
“She couldn’t stop talking about it and I told her she really does love to shower her favorite with gifts and praise.”
“My Mom’s family told me I should take it easier on her and said I should understand we had ‘some little troubles’ because of mom’s gender disappointment.”
“I told them I don’t owe her sh*t because she had gender disappointment and that I didn’t ask to be born to a Mom who only wanted daughters.”
“They told me I lacked adult understanding and compassion.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your mum is toxic and extremely shallow.”
“So many out there are desperate for a healthy baby… regardless of gender.”
“She’s blessed with just that and rejects it.”
“I’m so sorry your mum is like that and for the loss of your grandmother.”
“The good news is that you’re almost an adult.”
‘My advice is to focus on yourself and work hard so you can get out of there.”
“Then, you can choose when you see her and in what capacity.”
“Side note: I really hate the concept of gender disappointment and feel it’s becoming more obvious with these huge trendy gender reveals.”
“Nobody needs to see their parents bratting because they’re not what they expected.”
“People need to grow tf up and realize what’s important in life.” ~ Front_Scholar9757
“I have 2 girls and 2 boys.”
“I love them all to pieces and would do anything for them.”
“My older son is 17 and I can’t imagine treating him as you’ve been treated, I’m so sorry.”
“You sound like a kind, smart, sweet, and empathetic kid.”
“Your mom is toxic and doesn’t deserve you.”
“You will go far in life, please try not to let this determine who you are.”
“I’m proud of you. Xoxo.” ~ ViolentFemme1973
“Sending you love too!”
“My mom always wanted a boy but had all the girls but never made us feel like she loved us less.”
“Your mom and family are garbage, and they are ruining your sister, who I do feel sorry for in a way.”
“She will be so spoiled real life will kick her butt, and your mom will only have taught her she deserves everything just for being born.”
“You though seem strong, bright, loving, and can see right from wrong.”
“Those traits will take you far in life.”
“I am so sorry, but look to the future. If you have any kids, keep them all away from her, as she will treat them the same way she treats your sister.”
“Good luck, and I wish you many happy years in the future without any of them.” ~ DGhostAunt
“OP, I am so very, very sorry.”
“As a Mom to both daughters and sons, I can not imagine favoring one over another to begin with – let alone because of ‘gender disappointment.'”
“Your Grandma did love you with her whole heart.”
“Do not ever doubt that.”
“I promise you she was so catastrophically disappointed in your Mom and her behavior towards you.”
“Know you never deserved this, and your Mom’s family is insane for believing ‘gender disappointment’ is an excuse for anything.”
“The ONLY thing your Mom’s family should have done was get her into intense therapy.”
“Your Dad was insane for having another child with her.” ~ ZombieHealthy2616
“OP, I truly am sorry that you were born into a family of AHs.”
“Your mother’s family ‘tree’ is actually more like a sick plant.”
“They’re dumb AF.”
“Your father is anything but a father.”
“Focus on your studies.”
“Minimize your daily contact with your mother.”
“Get what you can from your parents until you can leave.”
“Given their lack of love, treat the relationship as strictly transactional.”
“I believe in karma.”
“With that said, there’s going to be a day your mother rues her treatment of you.”
“Your father, too. Regardless, live the best life you can.”
“Focus on you.”
“YOU OWE YOUR PARENTS NOTHING!!!”
“Continue to express your feelings and disappointment.” ~ Tight-Shift5706
“NTA! Your mom is extremely toxic!!”
“Do you have any aunts or uncles that you can turn to?”
“Please save all legal documents… birth certificate..etc and when you’re 18 years old, move out and go N[o] C[ontact] with all of them.”
“Do this for your mental health.” ~ Any-Maintenance5828
“Sounds like your grandma loved you, sorry she’s gone.”
“Only a couple more years.”
“It will feel like a long time then suddenly be over.”
“Once you are out and on your own, you can ignore your mom just as much as she ignored you, and find happiness elsewhere.”
“Try not to take it out on your sister if she isn’t being crazy too though.” ~ ThatNetworkGuy
“Gender disappointment is a real thing.”
“However, normal people get over it and go on to love their children and not give a crap about their gender.”
“When I found out I was having a third boy, I cried.”
“I’m not going to lie—I was really sad.”
“However, it lasted about 10 minutes, and then I was so excited. I talked about all the money we would save and how excited my other boys would be to have another brother to play with.”
“I love my boys and couldn’t imagine my life any other way.”
“Also, my children do not know that I had that small moment of disappointment!”
“This is why I hate gender reveals.”
“It puts people’s emotions on blast and, if they’re the tiniest bit disappointed, everyone sees it and they are raked over the coals.”
“I’m not talking about the ridiculous acts of disappointment. I’m talking about the little ones like a slightly sad face or turning away from the camera for a moment.”
“Everybody should be allowed to adjust to the gender in their own way without a camera shoved in their face.”
“NTA OP – your mom is toxic and borderline abusive.”
“The way she tosses it in your face that you aren’t the child she wanted is disgusting.”
“What’s even more vile is that her family is enabling her awful behavior.”
“You deserve to be loved, and I’m sorry you don’t have that.”
“Please just hang on.”
“In 2 years, you can be free.”
“I know 2 years seems a long way off, but it’s really not.”
“Again, I’m really sorry for all you are going through.” ~ bookworm1421
“I agree. The gender disappointment lasted like 10 minutes.”
“I wanted a boy and had a girl.”
“Took less than 5 mins to get over it.”
“Once I saw her I had butterflies.”
“I couldn’t stop smiling and was tearing up.”
“I literally thanked everybody in that OR while they were wheeling me to recovery. “
“I Had a C-section and didn’t check gender before birth.”
“First word out of my mouth when I saw my mom ‘Did you see how cute is she?'”
“I have a picture on the OR table, and I am smiling so much.”
“OP’s mom is shi**y.”
“She is so twisted in her perfect picture of the family she wants that she doesn’t know how to handle one.”
“It’s juvenile. I feel so sorry for OP.” ~ casual_rain
“More than toxic.”
“Your mom is flat-out abusive.”
“I hope you go NC with the whole lot of them as soon as you are financially independent from them.”
“Your whole family is disgusting.”
“I’m sorry you had this as your family, OP. NTA.” ~ hellvillehere
“I think gender disappointment is a reason to find out the gender before birth.”
“At least then you’re not confronted with the disappointment when you’re literally in your hospital gown.”
“Being upset about the gender of your child is ok, but you need to get over it.”
“It’s absolutely not ok to take it out on the child. NTA.” ~ lazy__goth
“Let’s not forget about Dad here.”
“Yes, Mom sucks.”
“But if OP had a dad worth anything, he would have had his back, calling out his wife about her behavior and filling the gap.”
“In some ways, Dad is even worse since he sits idly by and watches one of his children be neglected.”
“I’m glad your grandma was there for you when you were young, but why didn’t she call your Dad out when she had the chance!?! NTA.” ~ leeanforward
“NTA, but your mom really is.”
“If I were in your shoes, I would cut my mother and anyone who supports her out of my life completely.”
“And when you have kids, guess who doesn’t get to meet her beloved granddaughter?”
“Your mom.” ~ JimmyAintSure4646
This is such a sad story, OP.
Reddit is completely in your corner. This is outrageously unfair.
Perhaps you could have a serious sit down with your Dad and a therapist.
He really needs to have a complete understanding of your life and feelings.
Good luck.