Revealing a new baby’s gender can become quite an event.
People have thrown massive gender reveal parties that have caused death and wildfires.
Other people opt to keep things calm or private.
But sometimes private isn’t an option.
Loved ones can make gender reveals unnecessarily stressful.
Redditor MrsWoodywoodsmith wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for lying to my family about the gender of my baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I am 11 weeks pregnant with our third child.”
“We have two boys already (2 and 4).”
“Both sides of grandparents don’t know we are pregnant yet, and we found out today that our third will be a GIRL!”
“This would be very exciting for both sets of grandparents BUT we are considering telling them all that we are pregnant with our third boy instead.”
“The reasons are…”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] literally yelled ‘NOOOOOOOOO’ when we told her the gender of our second boy (having kept the first a secret).”
“She has also told me multiple times I need to give her a granddaughter and thus far I’ve told her she gets what she gets and doesn’t get upset, and that if she wanted a girl she should have had one instead of just having one boy (my husband).”
“We know that my MIL will start sending clothes (she lives in a different country to us) as soon as she finds out.”
“She even sent girls clothing hoping for our first not knowing he was a boy.”
“And we are conscious of how our two boys will feel about things arriving for the new baby and not them.”
“The sending wouldn’t be as extreme for a third boy as we already have lots of boy stuff.”
“I want to avoid the drama and upset of MIL treating our unborn baby girl more favorably than she did my boys.”
“She already shows extreme favoritism to her favorite niece over other girls and boys in the family and sees nothing wrong with it.”
“We want to avoid MIL coming to our country for the birth.”
“She came a few months later for our boys.”
“We want to get settled first and we think if it’s a girl she will want to come ASAP!”
“Our eldest was born ‘code blue’ and required resuscitation, and before him, we had a miscarriage, and I’m worried about the added pressure on me to birth the first granddaughter from our parents.”
“We think it would be really exciting once born if she’s a big surprise for both sides as she will be the first granddaughter on both sides.”
“We can’t say we don’t know because we are both type A and they know we would know and we did with the first two too.”
“We are worried though by telling our parents she’s a boy, when she isn’t, that they will buy gendered clothing though, or that they will be mad at us for lying for 6 months.”
“Is this going to backfire on us?”
“Any advice would be appreciated.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Would we be the a**holes?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Why do you have to announce anything?”
“Just say you’re waiting to find out.”
“You’re not required to tell anyone anything at any time.”
“This is your baby, you can announce whatever you want.” ~ rojita369
“NTA. I’d lie my face off.”
“Clearly not telling the gender won’t work.”
“I think MIL would immediately assume it’s a girl.”
“And if you know she won’t care about her behavior’s impact on your sons, why should you care about her feelings?”
“I think people spend way too much time people pleasing instead of protecting the mental health of your immediate family.”
“Your sons deserve to not be overlooked.”
“If it takes lying to their grandma to make it happen, lie lie lie.” ~ yourshaddow3
“I’d just tell everyone you’re keeping it a surprise.”
“You could either say you’re keeping it a surprise from everyone else and be truthful, but be prepared to be bombarded with her asking you to tell her the gender.”
“Or lie and say you’re also waiting to find out the gender yourselves as you’d like a surprise this time.” ~ Captainpinkeye3
“One way or another, you’re going to have to deal with your MIL’s behavior.”
“Lying now is just putting off the inevitable (I understand why you want to though).”
“Healthy boundaries need to be discussed.”
“You need to get on the same page with your husband and figure out how you’re going to tackle this issue long-term.”
“Dealing with this right after giving birth sounds like a nightmare.” ~ DragonCelica
“To be honest, I would lie to avoid the drama.”
“I think a lot of people are making this bigger than it is, and if I get downvoted that’s okay.”
“Protect your sanity how you see fit.”
“If nobody’s gonna be upset or offended after the fact then I highly doubt it’s something that will be brought up to your child.”
“It’s also not impossible, even with the genetic tests, that the result you receive is wrong.”
“This has happened to a couple of my friends and ultimately, everyone was just happy the baby was healthy.”
“Best of luck with whatever you decide!” ~ skellywars
“Your real concern should be with how you are going to deal with her favoritism after the baby is born.”
“You should just tell her now it is a girl and if she ever wants to meet this girl she needs to be on her best behavior and show absolutely no favoritism.” ~ MarsailiPearl
“I agree that lying is probably not the way.”
“But if OP tries to keep it a secret, MIL will probably assume/hope for a girl and default to bed behavior.”
“It needs to be addressed at the source.”
“TELL (not ask) her not to send anything.”
“When she does anyway, don’t open the boxes. Send them back.”
“Make it clear that if she arrives uninvited and intruders on your time with the new baby, the door will be locked.”
“Make it clear that your children are to be treated equally or she isn’t welcome.”
“Let your husband handle his mother and enforce this.”
“It isn’t your job to lie and sneak around to manage her behavior.”
“Set firm boundaries and hold them.”
“She can shape up or ship out.” ~ sluttychristmastree
“This is the best answer.”
“Just don’t let anyone know until the birth.”
“Set rules with both sides of the family, you said she will be the first girl for both sides?”
“She will be spoiled by both sets probably, it’s up to you and your husband to make sure the boys don’t feel left out.”
“The novelty will be exciting you telling it now or when she is born.”
“Just make sure to tell your boys they are loved and they will have a baby sister that will love her big brothers.”
“Worry in creating their bonds and with the rest of the family set rules.”
“You can even say you already have enough baby clothes, nothing says she can’t wear her brother’s hand-me-downs, so you don’t want an overflow of clothes.”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you need to stop trying to predict the future, this is stressing you out, and have an adult conversation with all the adults involved. NAH.” ~ UglyDucky_00
“I don’t see the purpose of lying.”
“The truth will out when the baby is born.”
“If you want to delay the inevitable for a few more months, then you can certainly tell her you are waiting for the birth to reveal the gender.”
“But to outright lie honestly seems mean/cowardly.”
“You and your husband need a united front.”
“Speak to your MIL and let her know that while she may have a preference for a girl, showing favoritism between your children will not be tolerated.”
“This might be something you have to reiterate more than once with her.”
“Your husband and you need to discuss now what your boundaries will be and what the consequences will be if she crosses them.”
“Since this is his mother, ideally, he should take the lead on this.” ~ ConstructionThin8695
“You’re old enough to have 2 children with a third on the way.”
“Time to start acting like it.”
‘You’re not children anymore, start setting boundaries and enforcing them.”
“Who cares if people get upset, seriously it’s ok.”
“What are you planning to do after birth when the girl is clearly favored?”
“Just let it happen?”
“Tell them due to previous reactions you will not be announcing the gender and you won’t discuss it further.”
“It’s not hard.” ~ Mommabroyles
“NTA, but I’d simply just tell everyone you are waiting until the baby is born to find out the sex and request that nobody buy anything as you already have plenty of things from the boys.”
“If she assumes it’s another boy from that comment, then so be it.” ~ Dazzling-Landscape41
“Given all you’ve said, NTA for saying it’s a boy until after the birth.”
“If you get gendered gifts, who cares?”
“Baby gifts shouldn’t be gendered in the first place.”
“It’s just societal sexism being projected onto the baby before they’re even born.”
“Baby boys and baby girls want the same toys until their parents teach them they shouldn’t, that boys should want to be engineers and girls should want to be mommies.” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“I would do the opposite.”
“I would tell her that her response to the gender of the new child will determine the access to all her grandchildren.”
“That if it’s a girl and the treatment of the kids isn’t equitable, she will be out in the cold, without access to all of them.”
“That you want no part in a relationship with a person who feels one child is inferior simply because of what gender they appear to be born with.”
“And I say already because what if your girl is gay or trans?”
“Will loving granny decide she is worthless??”
“NTA for trying to protect your kids, but you need to actively work on the issue instead of avoiding it, and making her look like an idiot at the same time.” ~ VegetableBusiness897
“NTA. Every single time you are asked if it is a boy or a girl you can simply reply with ‘I hope so!’ it’s your news to share if you want, when you want.”
“But I suggest your boys should find out they’re getting a little sister before the grandparents do.” ~ Wooden_Opportunity65
“NTA but don’t lie.”
“Tell everyone it’s a surprise and let it go at that.” ~ Delicious-Mix-9180
Reddit understands your plight OP.
You are entitled to a peaceful pregnancy.
You need to do what you think is best for your family.
But lying may backfire in the end.
Lies usually backfire eventually.
But it seems like a good plan to protect your peace during pregnancy.
Good luck and congratulations!!