Borrowing clothes is a common occurrence between loved ones.
As long as people take of one another's garments, there usually isn't a problem.
But sometimes the ask to borrow is a step too far.
Not every piece of clothing is meant to be on loan.
And that decision is usually for very specific reasons.
Redditor MorningSparrow8 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my sister borrow my expensive dress to wear to my ex-fiancé's wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (30 F[emale]) have a younger sister, Mia (27 F), and we've always had a complicated relationship."
"She's often been jealous of me and my achievements. "
"Last year, my fiancé, Ben, dumped me super suddenly and very publicly."
"He's now engaged to my former 'friend,' Zoe."
"Their wedding is next month, and honestly, this whole thing has been rough on me."
"Recently, I bought a stunning, expensive designer dress for a fancy charity event I'm going to next month."
"It's a special dress, and I felt like I deserved to treat myself after everything."
"Yesterday, Mia saw the dress and immediately asked to borrow it to wear to Ben and Zoe's wedding."
"She said, 'It's perfect! I need to look amazing, and you're not even using it right now."'
"I was floored."
"I told her no, that it's for my event, and it would feel so wrong for her to wear it to that wedding."
"She got super mad and called me ridiculous and selfish, telling our parents I'm a terrible sister for saying no."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not letting her borrow my dress, especially for that wedding?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your sister is the AH for even asking to borrow an expensive designer dress that you haven't even worn yet." ~ LdiJ46
"Oh, she totally knows how you would feel about it."
"HER PLAN IS TO HURT YOU MORE!!!"
"She wants to rub your face in the wedding drama."
"Is she gonna tell people at the wedding, it's your dress?"
"Absolutely not."
"And then when you wear it at your event, everyone is gonna assume you borrowed it from her and you're wearing a secondhand dress."
"Was she one of the people who knew you were being cheated on?"
"PLEASE, PLEASE HIDE THE DRESS!!!" ~ Icy_Trade_8781
"NTA. You're under no obligation to loan your dress to anyone for any reason."
"That your sister wants to wear it to the wedding of an ex just makes her the A**H***."
"If it matters to your parents enough that they get involved, suggest that they buy her a new dress." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA - hold to your no."
"Your sister is going to a wedding of your ex and former friend, when just last year you were engaged to that man, and he humiliated you."
"In addition, she wants to wear an outfit you splurged in to make yourself feel better for that wedding."
"I think there is only one terrible sister here, and it's not you." ~ Kami_Sang
"It wouldn't matter if your sister were going to the White House or the Met Gala--she is not entitled to your dress."
"The correct response to being called 'selfish' is, 'No, you're just unreasonably entitled. A reasonable person wouldn't even think of asking.'"
"NTA!" ~ Purple_Kiwi5476
"You have to put your dress in a safe place, where your entitled and b*tch sister can't reach it."
"NTA, of course." ~ Only-Kiwi7622
"NTA and word of advice… Never let anyone borrow your clothes or anything else."
"I've found folks either don't respect your clothes, and if they return them, they're damaged, or they don't return them at all." ~ celtic_glitter
"Right!?!!!! The ex's wedding isn't even the important part here."
"It's just, NO you can't borrow my expensive nice dress - for ANYTHING!!"
"Buy your own damn dress!" ~ Sweaty-Blacksmith572
"You're 27 and 30 years old, why is your sister still crying to mommy and daddy that she's not getting her way?"
"That irritates me for one, but what kind of sister would go to that wedding, knowing how much those people hurt you?"
"And in your expensive dress no less?"
"Time to step away from your sister for a while."
"She clearly doesn't care about your feelings, just herself. NTA." ~ forgetregret1day
"NTA. Don't let her use the dress."
"She isn't entitled to use it just because you are related."
"She's being disrespectful and doesn't care."
"Tell her to buy her own dress."
"Hide the dress."
"She might try to steal it or ruin it." ~ Angelinasmashington
"NTA. It's your dress, you haven't even worn it to your thing yet!"
"You don't have to loan anyone anything for any reason." ~ rmric0
"NTA. Remove all the baggage of your sibling relationship and the event she's going to for a second."
"Why would you let someone wear an expensive dress that you bought for a specific occasion before you even got to wear it?"
"Nobody would agree to that, and asking to be allowed to borrow a dress in that particular situation is pretty ridiculous."
"I would say don't give it a second thought, stick to your refusal."
"Also, to put back in the context of your situation, I wouldn't trust your sister to not get the dress dirty or damaged before you can wear it, so extra hard no." ~ sarahmegatron
"NTA. You wouldn't be TA for declining to let even a sister you had a flawless relationship with wear it to even some totally innocuous event."
"It's your dress to do with as you please."
"Other people are not entitled to your stuff just because they want it, full stop."
"Not even your sister."
"That it's a sister with whom you have a 'complicated' relationship, who is attending the wedding of your ex-fiancé and the ex-friend he dumped you for (maybe cheated on you with?) at all, and who is now making demands of you to help their appearance at that particular wedding is just s**t icing on a s**t cake."
"I dunno what your sister's game is, but you should absolutely decline to play it."
"If she has a penchant for revenge or drama and ever has access to your home/closet, you might also want someone else to hold onto that dress until the day you need it."
"Hopefully more caution than needed, but you sure hear horror stories on this sub." ~ oliviamrow
"NTA."
"HIDE THE DRESS!"
"First off, every Millennial and older knows that NO ONE borrows any clothes before the person who bought them gets to wear them! 😂"
"Second, though sharing is caring, not sharing expensive items is completely understandable."
"I'm going to sound like an old lady when I say this, but I'm sick of these youngins claiming I have 'privilege' to afford the nice things I have."
No! I am super middle-class."
"Every nice thing I have is planned and saved for months, if not YEARS in advance."
"If your parents are giving you crap, give them real world examples."
"If your dad is into watches, tell him it's like buying a brand new watch and having somebody else wear it first."
"I hope to God you don't live with her or your family."
"If you do, hide the dress." ~ LighthouseonSaturn
"NTA. I 100% agree that you should keep the dress somewhere safe so she can't go the 'better to ask for forgiveness than permission' especially since permission has been explicitly denied."
"Because she's knowingly disregarding your feelings by even attending the wedding, she barely deserves the courtesy of you telling her where you bought the dress so she can find one for herself."
"27 is way too damn old to be running to your parents to try to get her way."
"You didn't say how your parents reacted, so I'm just hoping they turned it around and asked her if a good sister would do the things she's done to you."
"I guess that's what you get when you name a kid Mia, everything they see is instantly MINE like the seagulls from 'Finding Nemo.'" ~ SquirrelKat1248
"NTA. Your sister is not entitled to anything of yours."
"Especially a new dress you have not worn yet."
"No means no."
"She is already an A-H for going to your ex's wedding, but to not only expect you to let her wear your new dress, but to run to your parents to complain as if they can force you to let her wear it is over the top."
"Was she the golden child growing up?"
"Be sure your sister has no access directly or through someone else to your dress."
"I would not put it past her to decide to help herself." ~ bookworm-1960
"Absolutely NTA!!"
"The nerve she has to insist you let her wear a dress you purchased for yourself, and to make matters worse, to your ex's wedding?!"
"Where's the loyalty and support?"
"Not to mention, how is she wearing something you haven't even worn yet?"
"Make it make sense."
"Too bad for her spoiled, entitled a**."
"She can go purchase her own dress and call it a day." ~ MimiBQ
"NTA. Whether you bought it for an event or just to let it live in your closet, you don't have to let her or anyone else borrow it."
"Screw her, tell her to fork out the money for her own designer dress to go to the wedding of the man who left you and is marrying your ex friend."
"WTF!!!"
"Make sure she doesn't borrow it when you're not looking!" ~ marie585
"NTA, honestly, your sister going to the wedding of your ex-fiancé and ex-best friend tells you everything you need to know about your sister."
"And maybe it's time to think about your relationship with her and if this is the type of person you want to have in your life."
"The first person who should be supporting you during this time should be your sister, and the fact that she is choosing to participate in this wedding really speaks to her character."
"OP, you are allowed to not have a close relationship with family members when they continue to do things that affect your mental health."
"Just know that found family can often end up being even closer than your real family because of situations like this, and it's perfectly OK to choose yourself." ~ cwesson88
"NTA, lock your doors so she doesn't take it." ~ actualchristmastree
Wow. Just... WOW, OP.
You have been through a lot.
So sorry about all of this.
Reddit is with you.
Why would your sister even go to that wedding?!
Enjoy YOUR dress!!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp