Cooking for a family can be difficult.
In this day and age, everyone has an allergy or a strong preference that changes everything.
Not everybody can eat all of the same things.
Redditor THROWRAuserss wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for putting onions and garlic in the food I fed my family after my sister in law said onions were 'too spicy?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I live with my family... still."
"I contribute my fair share in cooking, cleaning, and I go to school."
"I'm currently trying to get a job."
"Anyway, recently my brother and his wife, my S[ster]-I[n]-L[aw] have moved right next to us, so they're over all the time for dinner."
"And maybe three months ago, my sister-in-law saw me cutting up onions and putting them into a pan for dinner, and she threw a fit, saying onions were too spicy for me to cook, and she wasn't gonna eat any if I made whatever it was that I was making with onions."
"So I had to throw away everything and restart because if I didn't, then I would get yelled at, and that's the worst thing, so I'd rather just throw it away."
"Well, the same dinner I made without onions and garlic, she said, had no flavor."
"And even though that happened, for maybe a week I didn't add onions and garlic, and every time I didn't, she would complain, saying it had no flavor."
"So since then, I've decided to prepare dinner maybe an hour before they come over, so they don't see me cutting onions and garlic."
"I've also made sure to do it when none of my siblings are around, so they don't see and, in turn, tell my sister-in-law."
"Well, last night my other brother saw me cutting onions, and he didn't care too much."
"He just walked away, but when it was dinner time, and we were all eating, we got onto a topic of everything's 'too spicy' for my sister-in-law and how she doesn't like ketchup or onions, and that she can't even have Takis or whatever."
"My brother, thinking that it was so funny, was saying, 'Oh, you can't have onions like they're too spicy?'"
"And she agreed, then was telling him it's just how she grew up, she hates them, and blah blah blah, and so he went 'Well, you don't have a problem eating this dinner, 'and she was like 'What are you talking about? This has no onions in it. She was told not to do that anymore because it makes me sick," and my brother went 'But you had no problem with the dinner BEFORE I said anything. So are they too spicy?'"
"And when he said that, she started acting like 'Oh, I need some water, oh, this food is too spicy, someone get me milk,' and I got yelled at."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I was told I was the a**hole and I shouldn't have done it. But was i the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Why can't she cook her own food? NTA." ~ Former-Cloud-802
"Right? If she has no problem yelling at the legal child that is cooking her dinner and making demands on how it's prepared, she can get up off her a** and cook her own dinner or order out." ~ bearhug7602
"Worked in a daycare and we had a kid who, if he saw any spices, said it was too spicy even if that spice was flake salt or basil or any flecks at all."
"The same kid happily ate sauces blended with actually spicy peppers they couldn't see and was fine."
"This reminds me of that kid, wailing and crying, snot running down their face at the spicy food with no heat." ~ Gothmom85
"They're spicy to me because I'm actually allergic to them, so that was my first thought, but when she didn't have a reaction until she was told there were onions, it's obviously not an allergy, and she's just being annoying." ~ mydogsaysimcool
"NTA - she isn't allergic, and clearly can't even tell that the onions are in the food."
"If she doesn't like it, she can eat elsewhere." ~ yahomeboysatan
"The gall of that woman."
"She’s getting free dinners and wants to dictate how they are cooked?"
"Tell her to either cook her own dinner or not come around anymore. NTA." ~ EnFiPs
"Can‘t you just make food for yourself and the family members that don’t make an issue out of it?"
"Alternately cook stuff where you can dump all the ingredients in a separate pan without much extra work."
"Have the brother that is married to her also eat the flavorless stuff in the hope that he makes her stop complaining."
"You shouldn’t have to suffer for her bad taste in food." ~ ZealousidealRead8843
"Speaking as someone who does not like onions and never has, your sister-in-law is wrong."
"If I take a bite and can clearly detect the onion in it by texture or strong flavor, I’ll look through the food to pull out the onions that remain so I don’t have to eat them."
"If you are doing such an excellent job of thinly slicing the onions/shallots/garlic that she can’t taste strong onion or garlic in any one bite, you are an excellent cook, and I’d be happy to eat what you make."
"I’ve learned over time that if I cook very thinly sliced shallots with garlic and butter and use that to mix into whatever, it enhances the food without triggering the intense flavor and texture of close to raw onion."
"Garlic and onion make food better."
"But not in excessive quantity."
"If she couldn’t tell, you are a master chef."
"One other thing to try."
"Maybe cook a separate amount of the same food, but put no spices in that smaller amount."
"Serve everyone else the tasty food, and she gets bland."
"It would be interesting to see how long it would take to get her to cave." ~ MontanaPurpleMtns
"Oh my goodness, definitely NTA."
"If she had a medical condition or a physical reason, i.e., something gives her terrible gas, for example, and communicated that to you, and then you put that item in anyway, yes, you would be circling the AH territory."
"She, however, is definitely there, bless your other brother for calling her out. "
"Also, has she ever made dinner for the family?"
"Just curious as to what she would make." ~ Possible_Ferret_
"NTA, I don’t like the texture of onions, so I used onion powder."
"Or I had to go on a special diet at one point and had to use asafoetida powder, which tastes like onion and garlic, and I still use it every now and then because of that, so maybe try this in the food to give the flavoring without that actual onion."
"Also, if she wants to be this picky, complains it’s spicy when there’s onions and bland without, maybe she should get off her a** and cool for herself." ~ Icy_Bee_5493
"I'm the same with the texture and absolutely just use onion powder as it isn't the flavour I have an issue with."
"I think at this point, she just enjoys complaining about food."
"I would love to see what she'd say to know there were onions every time." ~ KaelosFenrir
"NTA. For the record, onion and garlic allergies are a real thing, and food allergies typically exhibit a symptom of being 'spicy.'"
"However, after reading the story and your comments (specifically that she doesn't believe in allergies, has fed you peanuts, and dislikes salt and pepper), it sounds SIL just likes the power play of dictating what goes into your family meal and whining about 'no taste' later."
"Your solution, although leaning more towards YTA, was actually a cumbersome way to go around it."
"SIL should get chicken nuggets and applesauce, and the adults can have real food." ~ Action_Man_X
"NTA. I have a daughter who doesn't like the texture and feel of onions in her mouth (she's on the spectrum), but she has absolutely no issues/problems with the onion flavor, so long as they are grated/liquidized/blended (immersion blender..eg.. butter chicken sauce)."
"I can understand about garlic, because I have an intolerance to fresh garlic, but jarred garlic is fine in small amounts."
"I'm running with a wildcard here, but I suspect your SIL either has an intolerance to onions or is possibly on the spectrum." ~ Over-Ad-6555
"NTA. Either she's trying to be controlling for the sake of being controlling, or it's all in her head."
"When I lived with my cousin, she would make chili."
"But she knew I didn't like beans, so just before she added the beans, she would set aside about a third of them for me and then prepare them normally for her and her husband."
"On a different note, I worked in an office with an overactive air conditioner."
"One of my colleagues was always chilly, and so they taped a piece of cardboard over the vent to deflect the air from blowing on them."
"Another coworker saw this, and complained about being cold all the time and asked one of her cubicle mates to do the same thing, which he gladly did."
"She was fine afterward."
"There was only one issue -- she sat underneath the speaker."
"No one ever said a word, but my cubemate and I had the best laugh about it." ~ WasWawa
Reddit is with you, OP.
It sounds like you're in a sad, underappreciated situation.
Your SIL can cook her own meals if she likes.
Keep your head up.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp