We all look forward to a nice vacation with the family.
Time off, time away, time to unplug.
But we rarely love when those plans get cut short.
Particularly if it's to go see your in-laws.
So one Redditor turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Ghostbuster_Mama asked:
"AITAH for saying no to cutting our vacation short to visit in-laws?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My parents own a home by the beach (6-hour drive from us) and every summer, we (me, my husband, and 7-year-old kid) take a week to visit them and enjoy a free place to stay at the beach. We've done this for the last 4 years and coordinate our visit with my sister or brother and their kids. It's a fun trip."
"Not only do we spend time on the beach, but we'll go kayaking, visit neighboring beach towns, shop, relax, and my husband and I get a very rare date night. It's honestly a nice break for me, especially during the summer because I work from home and when my kid isn't at camp, I have to balance being a work-from-home (WFH) mom and a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), which is really hard."
"So, we chose our week to visit about 2 months ago. Plans with my parents and sister are made. My husband and I put in our paid time-off (PTO) request at work, and it's been approved."
"Now that we're about to leave, my husband suddenly wants to visit his parents who live out of state. I suggested we go up July 4 weekend. Mother-in-law (MIL) tells him no, we can't visit that weekend because they already have someone else visiting."
"She says, come at the end of your vacation instead. My husband says to me, 'My mom wants us to leave the beach early and spend the last few days with her.' Backstory here: In-laws live 2.5 hours away. My family lives 6-7 hours away in the other direction."
"Driving to his mom's is about two hours out of our way. His retired parents show zero interest in visiting us even though it's just a 2.5 hour drive. We always have to make the trip to visit them. Pack up our kid and our dog and drive to their house."
"We get there, and they're either busy playing tennis, or they don't want to leave their house to do anything. My husband, my kid, and I end up going out to do things on our own."
"Anyway, I tell him no, we can't do that because our plans are made and we leave next week. He goes into full pouty mode, saying, 'We see your family more often. I feel left out when you go shopping with your mom and sister. I took time off from work. I'm just trying to figure out our plans'."
"What‽‽ Our plans were made! I also took time off from work."
"Then I feel guilty for: 1) wanting to spend time with my family, 2) spending one afternoon shopping with my sister, 3) telling him no, we can't go see his mom. I tell him I feel guilty now, and he says that wasn't his intention and that he shouldn't have said anything in the first place."
"So now I feel like an a**hole because I got upset too. He spent the rest of the day barely talking to me and left for work earlier than usual this morning."
The OP later added:
"We do see his family. We just saw them in April and before that in January and before that around Thanksgiving and various times throughout the year."
"I suggested we visit them for the long July 4th weekend, but that didn't work with his mom's schedule, and I told him that we can go literally any other weekend. But his mother suggested we cut our beach vacation short instead."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA. Your husband sucks here and is really taking you and your family for granted. There are 50 other weekends in the year he can make something happen with his parents, and he shouldn't have gone along with the idea of cutting your preplanned vacation short."
"The silent treatment is pretty cruel and immature to do to someone you live with. I'd honestly try couples therapy because it's not normal to be treated like that and he needs to learn to communicate in a healthy way. Keeping score about how much time you spend with each set of in-laws is unhealthy too."
"But for the future, really discuss whether this beach week feels fun for your husband. Even if your family is great, it can be draining to feel you have to be 'on' with in-laws. He might prefer doing it for a long weekend versus using a ton of limited PTO. Maybe make a vacation happen that's just your nuclear family so you and your husband can reconnect better in the future."
"I'd probably just show up for whatever weekend seems to work OK for your in-laws and not complain much about having to pack up and drive or if they're not great hosts. Yes, it's annoying, but sometimes you need to step up and do it with a decent attitude to make your spouse happy." ~ Jeljel8989
"Why not invite his parents to join you guys the last few days instead? Chances are if they haven't put the effort in to visit before, they won't this time either. But offer it as a middle ground and a 'trying to appease everyone and maximize the time with both sides of the family, etc..."
"You can't be the bad guy if you're offering a viable solution. Worst case scenario, they take you up on the offer, and you guys get a few extra visitors. Obviously check to see if they could stay in the housing provided or offer to help find/arrange housing, or if they just wanted to make a day trip." ~ mander4242
"You do this trip every year… maybe he doesn’t like hanging out with his in-laws every year for his week vacation, and wants to mix it up."
"He went about it the wrong way, but maybe he finds it difficult to find ways to communicate his needs to you, and this was his poor attempt at it."
"Time to arrange a weeklong vacation with his parents and siblings too." ~ GargantuanGreenGoat
"I think if his parents and siblings want to do that, they can absolutely go ahead and arrange it. But op shouldn’t have to take the lead on that just because her husband is throwing this 11th hour fit over the annual vacation he and his mother knew about for at least a year since they do it every year." ~ leelagaunt
"Let him leave early if it's that important to him to go be ignored. You can see them anytime at all. You and kid, unless they want to go, can stay at the beach. They sound like people I would always avoid. When your husband is done being ignored, he can come back and pick you up to go home." ~ tfaboo
"He’s pouty? He’s quiet? Sounds like a manipulating child here, don't fall for it... Seriously, how can he not see how unreasonable this is? Logistics are a major factor…6-7 hours drive, additional 2 more hours to visit for a weekend?"
"They have 50 other weekends to choose from and his mother picked this one knowing full well you'd be on your annual beach trip? This is not all of nothing here. Sounds like his mom is a manipulator too."
"He feels left out if you go with your sister? Tell him to go take your child and do something special! OP no guilt is warranted here. You made arrangements stick to it."
"Don’t be bending over backwards for others who don’t consider your time valuable. Furthermore, ignore the pouty whiny hubby. Tell him to look at this rationally like an adult."
"Have fun with your family and pick another weekend to visit your in-laws or invite them to visit you repeatedly until it becomes clear to your husband they don't want to see you; they just want you to jump through hoops." ~ Tiny-Tailor5799
"If his parents live 2.5hrs away, he can pack up the kid and visit them literally any weekend day that he wants to. You said no to one weekend, they said no to another, he’s still got 50 to choose from. You can enjoy a peaceful day at home when they go. NTA." ~ Ninja_Squirrel_Army
"Yeah, but then hubby would have to plan, pack, and do all childcare for that weekend without OP. He doesn’t want to do that! And his mother wouldn't get to disrupt their annual beach vacation. She doesn't want that!" ~ NoBodyCares2000
"NTA. You already have plans. He can work on developing alternative plans with his mom, or discuss them visiting you instead. It shouldn't be as one-sided as you describe." ~ Bubbly_Following7930
"Exactly. Out of all the weeks in the year, they have to go on the same one as OP's annual beach trip to see her parents?"
"And nothing else works?"
"It sounds like the in-laws are trying to purposely sabotage the plans. NTA. Say no to manipulation." ~ Discombobulatedslug
OP's husband is free to cut his vacation short to visit his parents.
But if OP doesn't want to join him, they're free to stay at the beach, too.
