We've all heard stories of nightmare in-laws, entitled family members, and family simply overstaying their welcome.
But family members staying in your home for an entire month, expecting you to wait on them hand and foot while they do nothing but relax, might just be a new breed, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Perfect-Owl-9745 loved her husband and cared about her family-in-law, and she was even supportive of them visiting each other across the ocean.
However, her parents-in-law had made a habit of visiting her home for a month at a time to see her, her husband, and their grandchildren, and while there, they would expect her to fully host them by doing all of the cooking and cleaning, while also caring for her children and working a full-time job.
So when they were planning to stay at her home for an entire month, the Original Poster (OP) again knew it was time to make other arrangements if they didn't want to sacrifice their meaningful relationship.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting to host another month-long visit from my in-laws and asking for a different arrangement?"
The OP wanted to start a new tradition when her parents-in-law flew in from Germany.
"My husband (40 Male) and I (38 Female) live in the US. He is from Germany and his parents still live there."
"For the last few years, they have visited us once a year and stayed for about a month at a time."
"This year, I proposed alternate arrangements and need to know if I'm the a**hole for it."
Each visit was costly in the OP's money and time.
"For context, these visits cost us around $6000+ each time because we pay for their airfare, food, necessities, and outings."
"They stay in our house the entire time rather than in a hotel or Airbnb."
"I work full-time from home, while my husband works long days (16+ hours) and historically does not take PTO while they visit."
"Because I’m home all day, I spend the bulk of the time with them."
"There is also a language barrier since they do not speak English, and I do not speak German, so communication 100% on handheld translators."
"The household workload also increases significantly. I do all of the cooking (six nights a week), so grocery shopping, meal planning, prep, and cleanup basically double. I make full meals while considering everyone’s dietary preferences and restrictions. Out of respect, I also prepare and serve their plates and refill them when needed."
"After dinner, my husband and his parents usually relax and spend time together while I clean the kitchen and handle dishes. My husband will usually bring plates into the kitchen, but the rest falls to me."
"I still handle the majority of our normal household responsibilities too (kids, errands, laundry, cleaning, etc.), plus my job."
"Another issue is that they are heavy smokers and spend most of their waking hours on our screened porch smoking. That space is normally where I work and decompress, so I essentially lose access to it for a month."
The OP wanted to make other arrangements to preserve her relationship with her in-laws.
"I want to be clear that I do not dislike his parents. They are nice people, and I understand that living in another country makes visits harder and that my husband wants to maximize his time with them. He is very close with them."
"However, I genuinely do not think I can mentally handle another month-long visit under the current arrangement."
"I’m an only child and a very private person, and having houseguests for a month feels overwhelming and stressful."
"I also feel isolated because of the language barrier and lonely because the limited time I normally get with my husband essentially drops to almost zero while they’re here."
The OP proposed a few solutions to help everyone, but her husband was not interested.
"I’ve expressed my concerns before, but nothing changes. This year, I suggested alternatives:"
"We could use that money for a two-week family trip to Germany instead of paying for his parents' vacation to come to the US."
"They could visit for a month but stay in an Airbnb or hotel instead and have their own space."
"They could stay with us but shorten the visit to two weeks."
"My husband did not seem happy with these suggestions, and the conversation ended quickly."
"Was I wrong for not wanting another month-long visit in our home and asking for a different arrangement?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was not wrong to feel overwhelmed by this hosting arrangement.
"I can’t get over the fact you serve them like you’re a personal servant, refilling their plates when they want more."
"And then you mentioned kids, and I was like, WHAT? You've got kids, too?!"
"It might be one thing if you WANTED to do this, but it sounds like you're doing it because they expect you to do it, and this would be the thing that would make visits like this so overwhelming for me."
"Not to mention that you do this every day, along with everything else, household chores, kids, while working full-time with extra people in the house. Good god, burn it all to the ground." - TargetWild9004
"She’s hosting a full-service resort for his parents while her partner basically comes home for eight hours to eat and sleep." - Photography4m2
"NTA. Here's an idea. YOU take a vacation and go somewhere for a couple of weeks by yourself. Your husband is perfectly content dumping his parents on you. Now it's his turn."
"There is zero reason you two should be paying for them to come visit you. Zero reason you should be waiting on them hand and foot. Zero reason he can't help out. And zero reason they can't smoke outside. This is YOUR home, too." - CatsMom4Ever
"Plan a trip for the time they are here, obviously not a month-long one. But yeah, take some time away."
"When he gets mad, and he absolutely will, I would respond with, 'I tried discussing this with you, and tried to find a compromise. You weren’t interested in this discussion, so I made other arrangements. I will be back in however many days. Have a wonderful time with your parents.'"
"Better set sound ground rules because this sounds like you are being walked all over." - Miggumsoohg
"Make HIM do everything for them. He can take PTO and cater to his parents, while you go work from somewhere else."
"He can handle the kids, etc. You’ve done your turn more than once. Now it’s his turn. Heck, you should use your PTO and go somewhere out of town." - testever
Others were sure that the OP had a much bigger husband problem than an in-law problem.
"I think you have bigger problems than just that month of parents... NTA."
"You have a husband problem... Your husband doesn't hear your concerns. H**l, he doesn't even take a vacation to spend time with the parents he's so close to?" - Other-Conference-398
"Parents aside, OP handles ALL of managing the kids and the household and works a full-time job while husband... exists? What the h**l?" - designatedthrowawayy
"OP, your husband and his parents are jerks."
"If your husband doesn't like the (very reasonable) options you suggested, at the very least, he needs to take time off to properly host his parents. I would be tempted to get an Airbnb for MYSELF at that stage."
"Also, why aren't the parents doing any of the cooking and tidying up since they're not working?? When my husband and I stay with his family, we do at least half of the cooking and help them out around the house while they're at work."
"They're treating you like a maid and not a member of the family." - Lovercraft00
"Her husband changes NOTHING about his life other than his parents are home when he comes home from work, so he has company he gets to hang out with and speak to in a language his wife doesn't understand, while adding a huge burden to her load and kicking her out of her space. F**k all of that. NTA." - Discount_Mithral
"As a German, this is so weird to me. Older people do not get hand-fed or cooked and washed for here, even as guests, and especially as long-term guests."
"Also, why are you working full-time while doing all of the childcare, cooking, and cleaning even when they are there?"
"I would tell your husband he's doing all of it at least for that time, go visit family or friends, and don't lift a finger." - felifornow
"They are terrible guests for German standards. This would fly for maybe a day or two, then it would be expected of them to pull their own weight somehow to some extent."
"If your husband has a problem with that, it would be expected of him to take care of his parents while they stay."
"But, their area in Germany is seen as being very, very, very thrifty/cheap." - JVattic
"I'm German, but did grow up in a household where guests were mostly waited on and cooked for. I'd expect them to tidy up after themselves, but not really to share in the household chores."
"That said, this is excessive. If guests stayed for this long, I would expect them to help a bit more, and certainly be more mindful of not taking up the space OP needs to work, and I'd 100% tell my husband he needs to step up and spend time with his parents."
"Also, the parents can learn a bit of English if they're visiting every year. They don't have to be fluent, but come on. They're not showing any courtesy whatsoever to OP." - cuppateadeerx
"If I’m hosting a dinner party, maybe I'd understand some of this. But family visiting? For a whole month? The fridge is over there."
"Also, good houseguests help. They don’t just sit there while someone else (who has a full-time job) waits on them. They are as bad as OP's husband." - dudleymunta
"This isn't a cultural difference. OP's being taken advantage of." - transfaabulous
Family might be important, but family should not become so important and sacred that they walk all over certain family members.
In the current arrangement, the OP was expected to pull the weight of the household, plus it sounded like most of the financial burden. That was hardly sustainable or a key to happiness.
If her partner cared about her at all, as more than a mother of his children and maid to him and his family, he'd figure out other arrangements.
