When it comes to major events, like baby showers, graduations, and weddings, it's important for the people behind the planning play to each of their strengths.
Because when someone volunteers for more than they can handle, it's obvious and can quickly become catastrophic for the event itself and the people attending, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor lexiezazzles had been surprised when her sister-in-law offered to host a baby shower for her and hesitated to say yes, before accepting to show appreciation and trust in her sister-in-law.
But when her sister-in-law was uncommunicative in the weeks leading up to the event, and then was furious throughout the whole event itself, the Original Poster (OP) questioned why she had volunteered herself to begin with.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to apologize to my sister-in-law (SIL) who ruined my baby shower she 'hosted'?"
The OP was hesitant when her sister-in-law offered to help with her baby shower.
"My MIL wants my husband and me to apologize to my BIL and SIL (honestly, 'Satan-in-law' is more accurate than 'Sister-in-law') so the holidays will be 'normal.' I don't feel like I'm the one who should apologize, but I'd like outside opinions."
"My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We never had a big wedding or reception; we were traveling for work at the time and just eloped in Paris. After years of trying, we're finally expecting our first child."
"My husband has one brother who's been married for 15+ years, and they chose not to have kids."
"We told BIL and SIL about the pregnancy before our FB announcement. SIL seemed excited and offered to host the baby shower at her home."
"I was hesitant because she has a very strong personality, but I agreed to keep the peace."
She became increasingly worried about her sister-in-law's planning skills.
"Fast forward to me being six months pregnant. No one has mentioned the shower."
"I reach out, SIL says, 'Yeah, I guess we should do invites.' I send her the guest list and details. She never orders them. So I end up ordering and sending my own shower invites while pregnant for the shower she's 'hosting.'"
"Then SIL says she wants a co-host to share costs. No problem. A close friend of mine, Dana, who already wanted to host me a shower, agrees to cohost."
"I also bring in my best friend, Rebecca, who does event planning to help. The three of us, plus my husband, make an Excel sheet of tasks and email it to everyone, including my SIL, so everyone knows who's doing what."
"At this point, I double-check she is still good with having it at her home, and she states she is."
Working with the OP's sister-in-law only continued to get worse.
"Communication turns into a nightmare because SIL refuses group FB messages, and Dana's phone can't handle big group texts."
"Dana and Rebecca both reach out to SIL individually, offering to help."
"SIL's only input is, 'I'll serve nuts and crackers,' and, 'We have to be out by 4:00 PM,' even though she had previously said we could stay as long as needed."
The weekend of the shower was shocking.
"Weekend of the shower, two of the three hosts have a game plan, and food is purchased."
"The night before, Rebecca messages SIL, offering help and gets, 'You can come clean my house and cook me dinner.' They had never even met before, and Rebecca had just driven five hours to be there."
"The day of, we're told no parking in the yard or street, only in the driveway. Okay, no problem."
"Then we can't even set up until 30 minutes before because SIL 'had plans.'"
"When we arrive, she and an uninvited friend are putting up 'no parking' signs and dancing around. Guests start arriving while we're still scrambling to set up."
"During the shower, SIL stomps around, slams doors, plays on her phone, makes snide comments to her friend, disappears to the basement to blast metal music so loud the floor vibrates, and doesn't speak to any guests."
"The one time I try to talk to her, she rolls her eyes and says, 'We'll discuss this later.' I'm pregnant, stressed, and in tears."
"BIL later says SIL is 'mad she wasn't included' in the planning, even though she got the Excel sheet, texts, and calls from Dana and Rebecca."
Then the OP's sister-in-law started pushing for the party to end.
"At 3:30 PM, I'm still opening gifts. SIL starts texting my husband, threatening to have everyone 'arrested and towed' if we're not out by 4:00 PM. My husband pushes back, but we still rush to finish and clean."
"MIL asks for the vacuum to help, SIL says it's 'changing' (not 'charging') and can't be used. We obviously couldn't get the place perfect."
"FIL even asks if he can stay to lock up while we finish, and SIL says no. Glitter from the decorations ends up near an air vent and in a pile of her dirty laundry. It was minor, but she flipped out."
"While we're loading cars, she storms out, screaming, 'Who stole my d**n chair?' It had just been moved to the laundry room."
The sister-in-law turned to social media to lash out.
"As soon as we leave, she goes on a Facebook rant comparing the shower to a 'January sixth insurrection,' complaining about parking, glitter, spilled lemonade (which my husband cleaned), people moving items to make space, someone using her cookie sheet to warm up food, Rebecca's husband being present (she called him a 'piece of s**t' behind his back, while he's the godfather of our baby and an honorably discharged vet), and the chair for myself (mom-to-be) to sit in."
"Other things she was mad with and stated includes; decorations brought in, us bring in folding chairs because of her not having adequate seating for people, especially the older people with disabilities because, in her words, 'she doesn't give a f**k where people are going to sit because they can stand up.'"
The OP saw no reason to apologize for all of this.
"She texted all three of us a long message calling us 'pieces of s**t' the next day."
"My husband responded to defend me since I was seven months pregnant, which SIL then used and posted on Facebook to say, 'My piece of s**t SIL can't even stand up for herself.'"
"Now MIL is telling us to apologize to SIL and BIL so the holidays will be normal. I feel like we bent over backward and still got humiliated."
"AITAH for refusing to apologize?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and no apologies were needed.
"Why be nice about it? Tell MIL. Tell Everyone. You are allowed to simply refuse to be in the same room with that cow. Let everyone know how horrible she was."
"And OP, don't you dare apologize. You already gave her way too much leeway. Should have switched venues the second she started getting nasty." - joliet_
"'MIL asks for the vacuum to help, SIL says it's 'changing' and can't be used. We obviously couldn't get the place perfect. FIL even asks if he can stay to lock up while we finish, SIL says no.'"
"His parents already know. Sounds like this isn't the first time SIL has emotionally terrorized the family. But it should be the last time the OP puts up with it. NTA." - aj_alva
"This is so utterly insane. And you don't have to apologise because you are no longer going to be attending family events where she is present."
"Your husband needs to let his mother know what happened in no uncertain terms and close the door on that vile woman permanently." - AlternativeLie9486
"NTA, and there will be no apology, at least not in the direction your MiL wants one."
"If SiL wants to apologize to YOU, fine."
"I hate to diagnose over the internet, but it's pretty clear your SiL has APD: A**hole Personality Disorder. Gift your BiL some toilet paper for the holidays and wash your hands of these fools til they come clean." - Curious-One4595
"Not only would I not apologize in the first place, but the reason MIL says they should is so they can have a 'normal holiday...'"
"Why on earth would anyone want a 'normal holiday' with SIL? Why would anyone want to spend time with her period?" - pepeswife80
Others agreed and urged the OP to skip the "perfect" holidays and start something of her own.
"If this type of entitled and unhinged behavior is MIL's idea of 'normal,' I'd seriously reconsider allowing any of them around your newborn. Be sure to lock down your birthing plan with the hospital in case the crazy train tries to crash the LDR."
"Wishing you a safe delivery and a healthy baby." - BunnySlayer64
"I'd just skip the holidays, like why stress yourself out even more while pregnant?
"Invite your MIL alone to meet the child. SIL should be dead to you both. Your lives will be so much more peaceful. What kind of brother won't stand up for his sibling? NTA." - Ready-Conflict-1887
"I remember my son's first Christmas. He was just over three months old and we were expected to bring him to the in-laws' (25 minutes away, which we did), because they wanted to see their first grandchild on his first Christmas."
"Anybody who's ever tried traveling with an infant knows what a pain in the a** it is. After that, I said never again and stuck to it. I told my wife that if they want to see their grandchild on Christmas, they know where we live. Until the day they died, they never made the trip." - cb_snow
"You and your husband celebrate the holidays without this insane person. Something is seriously wrong with her. Stop being the bigger person; it was you who was wronged."
"Plus, being the bigger person just allows poor behavior to be swept under the rug, and nothing ever changes. If you apologize once, you do it again and again and again."
"Don't turn that into a holiday tradition or a family tradition to be handed down. NTA." - Vandreeson
"You can order the whole completed holiday dinner at markets now. Get one and invite in-laws over the next day. Have a peaceful dinner and let MIL and FIL enjoy their grandchild."
"Avoid this thoughtless, toxic person. What a horrible betrayal for you to suffer, especially seven months pregnant, when she was lazy, put off any plans for months, and ended up acting out like an immature teenager."
"She isn't someone I'd want to be around, and I definitely wouldn't want her or her husband around my child. The next thing she's going to be pissed about is that in-laws will want to pay attention to grandbaby. She'll use that as another excuse to be nasty and vindictive." - Opinionated6319
The subReddit was left so alarmed by the OP's story, they barely talked about the details of the sister-in-law's behavior and focused on what the OP could do to protect her peace and move on instead.
They were very interested in the OP not only refusing to apologize, but also being very honest with the family about how her immediate family was being treated and how that was unacceptable to her going forward.
Also, the holidays could still be incredible and family-centric without every single family member in attendance. Rather than worry about her complaining about the food or telling stories about the chimney and the Christmas tree, it seemed far better to celebrate without the sister-in-law.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp