There's a saying, often attributed to French Enlightenment writer, philosopher, satirist, and historian François-Marie Arouet, better known by his pen name Voltaire, that advises:
"Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."
Meaning that striving for flawlessness (the perfect) often prevents people from completing, implementing, or appreciating a valuable, functional, adequate, but imperfect result (the good).
Perfection is rarely attainable and even if it is attained, it's rarely sustainable. Chasing perfection in your personal life can lead to a life of missing out on all the little joys along the way.
However, no one wants to fly on an aircraft whose pilot settles for "close enough" on landings. No one wants a meal that the chef settled for "not bad." No one wants their accommodations to be close to clean.
Perfection in the professional world, especially in the service industry, should be the goal. But some people take their laissez faire attitude from their personal life to work with them. Then wonder why their boss or coworkers are always finding fault with their efforts.
A man whose having trouble separating his personal life from his professional one turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Successful_Bar9187 asked:
"AITA for tell my Type A perfectionist sister-in-law (SIL) that she’s gonna f**k up her baby’s life if she doesn’t change?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My SIL (32, female) and myself (26, male) are working together. We’ve been working at the same organization and have been at it for years now. When I first began working here, we had several meetings with other colleagues, including team-building exercises."
"We even learned our enneagrams and personality types. We have shared duties in the hospitality department for 2 months, and it’s the first time I’ve worked with her. I know she’s type A, but I didn’t know how far it could get."
"The issues began within the first week. She’d nitpick at this and that. 'That bedsheet isn’t folded properly' or 'those shoes aren’t aligned correctly'…. There was always something she’d find that she didn’t like about what I did."
"As a type B, I could just allow those things to roll over me. But over time it got more and more difficult to ignore."
"The day before last, I had prepared a guest room for our organization's CEO. I know him well and he’s a close friend. I had just finished the room prep when she came in and started accusing me of not doing a good job."
"She said that one side of the quilt was hanging off too much over the right side of the bed (barely could notice it). I had used the 'wrong' room freshener as it was 'more feminine'. There were so many tiny things that she found wrong with the work that I’d done, insisting that it must be to the perfect standard she had somehow instilled as law."
"She’s also pregnant and expecting. That’s contributed to her usual amount of smug perfectionism. My brother, her husband, is on a trip. He’s also a perfectionist so they both are perfect for each other."
"No matter what I said to calm her down, she’d interrupt me and yell. So at the end, I said what was on my mind for a while. I told her that if she doesn’t learn to manage her obsession for perfectionism, she’s gonna f*ck up her baby's life."
"I said that her kid is gonna grow up in an environment where they will always feel inadequate and incapable of pleasing their mother. That they’ll grow up with all kinds of emotional trauma if she were to expect from them a high standard of perfectionism."
"She burst out crying and began to accuse me of not understanding. She’s only 1 month pregnant, and I’ve been working with her for 2 months now. She’s been like this from the start, and some of our mutual sympathizing friends have said that she always sets unreachable, unrealistic, perfectionist standards for everyone."
"So AITA for telling her this?"
"I feel like I said it to her as a duty for the sake of her kid who’s gonna be my family too, and not as a way to insult her."
The OP later added:
"We are both equals at work. Hospitality isn’t our main job; it’s just a shared duty. The scale of our hospitality is just a few rooms we prep for a guest, usually a colleague from a different branch. This isn’t the Ritz nor is it a regular hotel."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action I took was to say that her perfectionist behavior would mess up the life of her baby. That action may make me the a**hole as it may be a boundary I shouldn’t have crossed, as she’s also pregnant and it may be disrespectful."
"If someone called me an a**hole, I’d probably agree with them because regardless of why I said it, it’s still a terrible thing to say to a mother who is expecting her first child. She’s probably already, as a Type A, extremely worried about how she’s gonna raise this kid to the perfect standards she’s set for herself."
"What I may have done wrong is make her believe she’s gonna be a failure at parenting as that’s what she fears most."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"So you work in hospitality, or hospitality adjacent, and think half-a$$ing everything is OK. By your own admission, your work is inconsistent and substandard. Get out of the service industry then. It requires 'perfection.'"
"Your sister-in-law is not nitpicking based on the examples you gave. She's trying to maintain the professional standards that are required in your profession and you don't care. You're the office f*ck-up that everyone has to constantly fix their work and you don't even recognize it."
"There are jobs that are fine with 'close enough,' but hospitality and anything service industry is definitely not one of them. No one wants to enter a hotel room or cruise ship cabin that's 'sort of' clean and 'kind of' tidy, where things aren't lined up properly, folded consistently, and where the bedding is barely noticeably askew. That's how you described your own work."
"Your SIL is just meeting the minimum requirements for your job and asking you to do the same. Your half-a$$ed sloppy performance reflects poorly on your entire workplace. I'd give you hell if I was stuck working with you too."
"But I'd report your incompetence because you're sloppy and you don't care. Instead of getting you fired like you should be, your SIL is trying to help you and you respond like a petulant child."
"Instead of recognizing your 'yeah, whatever...' attitude is the problem, you decide to say the cruelest thing you can think of to attack the person doing their job correctly and trying to help you too."
"Grow the f*ck up. 'Type B' personality doesn't mean you get to not do your job to the standards it requires. YTA. Massively." ~ MohawMais
"YTA, but I want to also add that reducing someone’s personality to one of two types is very flawed and is a seriously oversimplified personality model, especially when describing someone who is just well suited to their job." ~ Present-Aside8155
"You claim, 'I feel like I said it to her as a duty for the sake of her kid who’s gonna be my family too'. No, you didn't. You said it because you were angry and annoyed at her."
"You're just trying to justify saying something rude to her, because you know very well it was not okay and you feel guilty. If it were truly for the sake of her kid, you would've brought it up very differently." ~ Informal-Insurance63
"YTA. This is a workplace. If you don't like how a colleague is acting, you address it with them and have a conversation and escalate to your manager if need be. You do not make comments about their pregnancy and future child. Totally inappropriate.
"You wrote, 'I feel like I said it to her as a duty for the sake of her kid'. That's not true. You said it because she was pissing you off, nit picking your work. You were not worried about a baby in this moment, that's bullsh*t."
"What you said crossed a line - you made a personal attack and it was not coming from a place of kindness or genuine concern." ~ happybanana134
"It also is untrue. I have a type A mom and love her to death. She didn't ruin us." ~ OldMaidsAreCool
"Also why is his work still sloppy? It sounds like she’s told him several times." ~ Otherwise_Chemist920
"Because he's 'type b' which is basically a socially acceptable way of saying he's a lazy a**hole who doesn't give a f*ck about his job." ~ catbro1004
"I am not a perfectionist by far. I’m lazy, etc... except when it comes to my job. The OP has virtually no work ethic. If my boss or a coworker or even a subordinate had to keep telling me I was doing something sloppily, I’d be so embarrassed." ~ Karma-leigh
"Of all the things you could have commented on, you chose to throw a jab at her unborn child? YTA and already a sh*tty uncle since you think you’re justified." ~ Yzma92
"YTA. I’m type B, and it’s tiring hearing people use that as an excuse to be careless. It sounds like you possibly work in hospitality, and all the things your SIL mentioned are important."
"Even if you were, for example, setting up a conference room, ambiance is important. You can’t have disorganized files not stacked neatly, distracting smells, chairs skewed in different directions, while meeting the CEO."
"It doesn’t matter if they’re a close friend; it’s unprofessional. You projecting your work squabbles—her work ethic versus your lazy, sloppy performance—as an attack against her motherhood is major a**hole behavior." ~ No_Whole9920
OP may want to rethink their own professional attitude.
"Close enough" isn't likely to get him very far in an industry that demands consistent standards be met.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp