As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.
But the question the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) needed an answer to was, does the whole village need to be located under the same roof?
Redditor Thin-Childhood-680 had a newborn baby and an incredibly full house, including herself, her baby, her husband, and three out of four of their parents, all of whom were there to help with the baby and the household pets.
When her husband's grandparents wanted her to invite her brother-in-law to also stay with them, the Original Poster (OP) drew the line, pointing out that the house was already full enough, much to their dismay.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting my husband's adult brother to stay at our house for an extended period of time while we have a six-month-old baby and both sets of our parents already living with us?"
The OP had a full house helping with her newborn.
"My husband and I recently had a baby, who is now six months old."
"Right now, both his parents and my parents are staying with us to help take care of the baby."
"Originally, we were not planning on having his parents come stay with us. My mom was going to help with the baby, and then our plan was to send our baby to daycare at around six months old when we both needed to return to work."
"However, my mother-in-law (MIL) did not want our baby to go to daycare at that young of an age, so his parents came to help while we went back to work instead."
"We also have a dog and two cats, and with both of us working, I felt it would be too much for just my mom to handle the baby, plus the pets, herself (my father regularly has to leave the house for other obligations)."
"I personally had no issue with sending our baby to daycare. The extra grandparent help was not something I insisted on, because we don't need three and four adults around for just one baby all the time."
"Anyway, we live in a three-bedroom house, so the house already feels very full."
Then, the OP's parents-in-law wanted to make the house a little bit fuller.
"Recently, my husband’s parents said they want my husband’s adult brother to come stay at our house for a prolonged amount of time, because he was previously staying at their house, but since they're helping us with the child, they don't want the brother to be alone."
"I told my husband I don’t want that right now."
"My reasons are that we already have a lot going on with a baby, there isn’t much room, both sets of grandparents are already here, and I don’t want to worry about feeding/hosting one more adult in the house."
"My husband got angry and said I’m being unreasonable. He said his brother can sleep in the living room, which is mostly unused, and that it won’t cause that much trouble."
"I then tried to suggest that if his parents wanted to take care of or spend time with his adult brother, I would be fine with them going back to their own home to do that, but my husband said I was being mean and unwelcoming."
The OP and her husband already had recurring issues with his brothers staying in their home.
"This has become a very painful recurring issue in our marriage. Right after we got married, one of his brothers stayed with us for almost a year after college while getting set up for a job."
"I had a lot of fights with my husband about it, but I ultimately compromised, and his brother stayed. I also helped his brother with his job search."
"I still feel resentment about that situation, while my husband feels resentment toward me for starting fights about it."
"When I was six months pregnant, I also asked my husband not to have one of his brothers stay with us for an internship. Part of the reason was that this brother had previously been suspected of bringing the pandemic virus to me when I was three months pregnant, and I was worried about getting sick while pregnant."
"We had a big fight about that, too, but I compromised, and his brother stayed for a few weeks anyway."
"Later, when I was close to giving birth, it was around Christmas. Usually, my husband’s family comes over, but I asked that this brother stay at another brother’s apartment about 30 minutes away instead of in our house."
"At that point, we already had both sets of in-laws staying with us, I was about to go into labor, and we were still in a three-bedroom house. That also became a huge fight."
"We also fought when I asked the brother to wear a mask after he had traveled to a conference in Vegas, and to wear masks at work while he was staying with us, because I was pregnant and didn’t want to get sick. My husband thought those requests were unreasonable, too."
The OP felt her husband's resentment building.
"Now my husband keeps a 'list' of all the fights I’ve started with him and uses this list to accuse me of being difficult."
"He says I never welcome his brothers. I feel that’s unfair. One of his brothers, who lives nearby, comes over almost once a month to play games with us. We celebrate his birthday with cake and presents."
"Both brothers come during Christmas, and I feel like I do welcome them. But my husband says that’s just normal and doesn’t count."
"At this point, our marriage feels like it’s at the brink. I feel like I have compromised many times, but my husband only remembers the fights. He feels like I’m rejecting his family. I feel like he prioritizes his brothers’ comfort over my comfort in my own home, especially during pregnancy, postpartum, and now while caring for a baby."
"Am I really so wrong for not wanting my husband’s adult brother to stay with us for a prolonged period right now?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to respectively send her parents-in-law home to spend time with her brother-in-law.
"Just tell his parents that they should go home to be with the adult brother so he’s not alone. You do not need that much help with one six-month-old. It’s probably causing more stress than anything." - Critical_Customer_87
"OP’s niceness and patience have been grossly taken advantage of. They’ve made her pregnancy and postpartum time wicked stressful, as well as anxiety-riddled when it should be peaceful and happy. I’m childfree myself, but I am absolutely disgusted by her husband and livid on her behalf." - EfficientFish_14
"Depending if the kid sleeps well, is colicky, or the worst, is teething, in that case, they might need one adult to help them, not four."
"I think that OP and her husband should stick to their plan to put the baby at daycare."
"I also think that OP's husband should focus on his baby: his wife and baby are now HIS family and should be his top priority. Not inviting his brother or parents to stay at OP's home!" - Orsombre
"I can almost guarantee that his parents and him aren’t helping at all, and they want the brother there so bad so the OP will have to host him."
"I think maybe it’s time for her to come down with some 'illness' that doesn’t allow her to leave her bed. Not to work, not to do housework, not to cook or clean, and certainly not to care for a baby."
"Then let’s see what happens…"
"Pretty soon, they will all move out. Then OP’s sister, or cousin, or best friend should move in. And be annoying as all get out. And not pay any rent."
"Strategically, that would be the best time to begin marriage counseling. After her husband has had a taste of his own medicine." - City_Elk
"Her husband is the biggest issue here and absolutely a massive gaping AH. Send the husband and his parents home to go take care of his grown a** brother so he isn’t alone and lonely!"
"OP can have the baby in daycare part-time and have her parents stay with her to help with the baby when the baby's not in daycare and the pets while she’s at work."
"I would be filing for a legal separation and then serving him with divorce papers and getting child support set up. No one needs to live with such a miserable partner who is constantly blaming them for everything and prioritizing his adult, able-bodied family members over his wife and child."
"F**k this guy. Throw the whole man out. Then he can see what not being welcoming REALLY looks like." - MartinisnMurder
Others weren't sure that the OP's vision of the future could work with her husband's obviously multigenerational one.
"Apparently, the happy future Hubby envisions is one in which his entire family lives with them. OP doesn't want that future at all. There's not much of a way to compromise on this. Maybe he should just go with them." - LissaBryan
"I hope the husband is rich or working a gonna-make-him-rich job, because he's going to need to buy a mansion before he decides to bring the entire family into their home and encourage them to live happily ever after together forever. Yuck. Boundaries, who?" - BrassUnicorn87
"NTA. Why are BOTH sets of grandparents staying with you to take care of the baby? I am childless, but that feels like a lot of overkill, and not actually that helpful."
"I'd go ahead and send his parents home. 'Thank you for the offer of help, so happy you could be here for the baby, but if you need to take care of your son, you absolutely should go back home.'"
"As far as your husband, I would welcome his list of fights: Yes, that is a list of all the times I asked you to support me in basic stuff, like my own health, and you didn't. That fight about your brother staying for a year when I didn't want him to, well, he stayed for a year, so you got what you wanted, and I didn't."
"At what point do you support me? At what point do I have any say in what happens in the home?"
"And that last question, that's on you. Maybe you take this opportunity to leave the crowded home, with your own parents, and make space for his family. Get the h**l out of there." - mfruitfly
"None of this sounds like a compromise. It just sounds like he’s breaking you and grinding you into the ground."
"Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? With someone who doesn’t care about your health or happiness? With someone who viciously keeps lists of what he considers your transgressions?"
"Where is the love? This man sounds like he hates you." - fzooey78
"The husband is really the problem here. What sane person keeps a list of their fights and uses it to win arguments? Not to mention the fact that he puts absolutely no weight on the fact that he won all of those fights."
"So he's just mad that the OP is pushing back at all, not recognizing that she ultimately is the only one ever 'compromising' here."
"He's an immature person who needs to grow up. Maybe he should go back to mom and dad's and grow up with his brother, who apparently can't be left 'alone' for too long." - myssi24
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated, especially since she seemed so concerned about having to cook and clean for another person. What all of the extra adults were doing in that house beyond "ooo"-ing and "ahh"-ing at the baby was anyone's guess, but more than likely, they were doing little more than sitting on the couch, expecting fresh coffee.
It would be best for all of the family members to return to their respective homes and visit in reasonable amounts. If the husband wasn't okay with them, maybe he should be like his brother and move in with someone, so he wouldn't be "alone," because pretty soon, if he didn't stop treating the OP this way, he would be.
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