Anyone who has been through financial hardship can attest to how quickly that hardship can turn from an inconvenience to a serious, possibly insurmountable problem.
But usually, there are things that can be done to lesson the financial hardship, like making different spending choices for a while or cutting back on a few things, reasoned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had a home that he loved and personalized to his tastes and interests. His brother, on the other hand, had a larger home that he, his wife, and their children needed, and along with making other questionable financial choices, the couple found it difficult to make their mortgage payments.
When they reached the point of actually losing their home, the Original Poster (OP) knew that they could have made better financial choices and refused to house them.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my brother's family stay with me after they lost their home?"
The OP worked hard to make his house his very own home.
"I (34 Male) own a modest three-bedroom house that I bought five years ago."
"I live alone and use one bedroom as my home office (I work from home full-time) and the other as a guest room/hobby space where I keep my music equipment and gaming setup."
The OP's brother and sister-in-law, however, made less responsible choices in their home.
"My brother (38 Male) and his wife (36 Female) recently lost their home due to financial issues."
"They have three kids (12 Female, 10 Male, and 7 Female)."
"Their financial problems stem from a series of poor decisions."
"My brother lost his good-paying job two years ago after repeatedly showing up late, then bounced between jobs while his wife worked part-time."
"They kept their kids in expensive private schools and activities they couldn't afford, refused to downsize from their large house, and ignored my parents' and my advice about budgeting."
"Eventually, they couldn't keep up with mortgage payments and were foreclosed on."
The OP refused to take them in when they needed it, knowing they could have prevented it.
"When they lost their home, they asked if they could stay with me 'just for a few months' until they get back on their feet."
"Here's where I might be the AH: I said no. Here are my reasons:"
"My house is simply too small for six people. They'd need to take over my entire living space."
"I need my home office to work, and I can't work effectively with three kids running around."
"I value my peace and quiet, and frankly, I don't want my life turned upside down."
"Their 'few months' could easily turn into a year or more based on their financial history."
"My parents offered to let them stay in their larger home, but they refused because they 'don't want to live by my parents' rules.'"
The OP did try to offer other accommodations to help, however.
"Instead of letting them stay, I offered to pay for a hotel for two weeks and help them find an affordable apartment. I also offered to cover their security deposit."
"My brother exploded, calling me selfish and saying I have plenty of space and am 'choosing things over family.'"
"My parents are torn. They understand my position but think I could 'make it work temporarily.'"
The family actively shamed the OP for his actions.
"Since then, my brother's family moved in with my parents (despite not wanting to earlier)."
"I'm getting constant texts from extended family about how I abandoned my brother in his time of need."
"My brother's wife is also posting passive-aggressive things on social media about 'finding out who your real family is during hard times.'"
"AITAH for not letting them stay with me?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the brother's family would never respect the OP's house rules and might even try to take over his house.
"The brother's family would basically be taking over the house because of the sheer quantity of people. He'd never get rid of them as they'd settle in and get comfy real fast."
"The brother might even have the audacity to suggest that OP move out and let brother and family have the house. I've seen it before." - floofienewfie
"NTA. It's not YOUR responsibility to fix what your brother let fall apart. They should have managed their money better to avoid this situation."
"Who in their right mind would move an entire family into a house that does not easily accommodate them? You're house is set up for you."
"I'm sure you would end up being their personal babysitter, as well. Things would get damaged, or if they dont want to follow your parents rules, I'm sure they arent going to want to follow yours, either." - CarrieLee0407
"You KNOW they would want one bedroom for the adults and AT LEAST one bedroom for the children."
"With their sense of entitlement, they would probably expect OP to sleep on the couch whilst they took over all of the bedrooms."
"Brother and sister-in-law would be in OP's bedroom, and because the girls can't be expected to share with their brother, the children would need the other bedrooms. Just imagine what would happen to the OP's gaming and musical equipment."
"And he would have to work in the kitchen because I'm sure the family would 'need' the living room for 'real family time.' It's an unrealistic expectation." - Wooden_Opportunity65
"Because OP is the younger brother, I think they think they could walk all over OP, even if he laid some ground rules at the beginning."
"It would start small, and OP would 'let it slide, just this one time,' and before you know it, his work setup is in the kitchen, all of his hobby equipment is broken, and he's driven out of his own home."
"His brother was implicitly telling OP he only desires to live by his own rules." - EatThisShirt
"They didn't want to follow the Grandparents' rules. They are married with three children. What could those rules have been, that you would risk making your children homeless for?"
"Your musical equipment would have become toys, and when you tried to stop this behaviour, you would have been instructed not to parent their children. And what about your office setup?!"
"In my opinion, their proposed sojourn at 'Fun Unc's House' would have been conducted like they were on a vacation, Fun Unc's home and funds would have been considered a perk, too." - ilovesme
"It sounds like they don't respect him already! A social media post bashing who is the real family.... It sounds like they're rejecting the two weeks in hotel offer or the help with the security deposit offer!"
"Probably because they plan to settle in and take over... No respect for OP or thanks for what he can do, so now they're going to make OP the bad guy... Manipulative." - thismarksthespot
Others agreed and pointed out that if the family could ridicule the OP, then they could provide for his brother.
"I would tell them that they (the extended family) can house the brother and family if they feel so strongly about it."
"'Hi everyone commenting on my brother's situation. I'm sure he is immensely grateful for this outpouring of support from you all. I'd love to know which of you are offering your homes for him and his family to move into, so I can feel duly ashamed for not living up to your example.'" - Comfortable-Focus123
"The most important point here, OP, is that you may be putting your job in jeopardy if you cannot work effectively from home with the increased noise that would come with five additional people. Would they want to kick you out of your dedicated office to accommodate them? And then where would you work?"
"Just because they aren't worried about their jobs doesn't mean you don't worry about yours."
"NTA."
"Tell any family member who thinks you are being selfish, 'It is so nice of you to offer to have brother and his family move in with you since you have stated you would not abandon them in their time of need. I will tell brother to call you to make arrangements to move his family into your place.'" - Successful-Voice8542
"Why do I have the feeling that the next step suggested would be for OP to find ANOTHER place to live, but keep paying the mortgage on their present house? But, you know, just until bro finds some place else..."
"It's ironic, because if all of those chatty extended family members chipped in, they could pay a few dollars each to either get the brother and his family a rental or another house, or they could have helped stop the foreclosure to begin with, since they're so insistent about bailing the brother out on other people's dime. Or just on the OP's dime? NTA." - Used_Clock_4627
"NTA. They had a better alternative (living with your parents) that they were against because they didn't want to follow the rules. Unless your parents have insane rules, I'm guessing your brother thought he and his family could railroad you and take over your home completely."
"You offered a lot of very reasonable help, and if he truly wanted to get his life together, he would have taken you up on your offer to help him find an apartment and pay for the security deposit."
"Any family members who are giving you a hard time can offer to let your brother live with them." - Mundane_Look5516
"Tell your extended family that you'll let your brother and SIL know of their generous offer to house them and hang up before they can say anything."
"Or, if there's a family WhatsApp group, post a list of the people who want to house Brother and his family, so they can take their pick."
"This is what got people in my family to shut up years ago when a family member kept 'getting kicked out by all the psychos she lives with.' Amazingly, she somehow was never doing anything wrong, and everyone she talked into letting her move in turned out to be the terrible people!"
"The house I was renting had an extra room at one point, and suddenly everyone was pressuring me to let her sublease the room, and upset at me for not budging, but all of them seemed to have a reason why they couldn't let her move in with them. Funny how that works out." - Mysterious-System680
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated, especially since his home wasn't an appropriate fit for his brother's larger family and because he even offered to help the family in other ways.
It seemed suspicious that the family only wanted to stay in OP's house and did not want to take him up on his help with a hotel and rental. If they were looking to get back on their feet, this seemed like the most appropriate solution.
But if they were only interested in taking over the OP's home or at least abusing his space, time, and money, why would they make a responsible choice?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp