When deciding whether to have kids, many people get lost in the excitement of raising a family and making memories with young children.
Many fail to understand that they need to raise competent, contributing members of society so that their children can be financially secure, have a job, and keep a home, as pointed out by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor PitchSubstantial5931 previously witnessed her brother's business fail and his inability to repay the money their mother gave him to help save it.
Now that he had lost another job and needed a place to stay, the Original Poster (OP) was reluctant to help him and lose the same money and peace of mind their mother did when she helped him before.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to let my brother move in with me after what he did to our mom?"
The OP refused to take her brother in after he lost his job.
"I (26 Female) have been living alone for three years."
"My older brother (30 Male) recently lost his job and got evicted after falling behind on rent. He’s been staying with friends, but apparently nobody can take him in anymore."
"My mum called me last week asking if he could stay with me for a couple of months while he gets back on his feet. I said no, and now my entire family thinks I’m selfish."
The OP hadn't forgiven her brother for how he treated their mom.
"Here’s the thing. Two years ago, my mum lent my brother a significant amount of money to save his business."
"It was money she’d been saving for retirement, and she trusted him because he’d always been the successful one in the family."
"His business eventually failed, and he never paid her back."
"I know businesses fail. I’m not blaming him for that. What I can’t get past is that when my mum later needed money for an unexpected expense, he told her she shouldn’t have lent him money she couldn’t afford to lose. He actually said that to her."
"I ended up helping her financially, and I’ve been putting money aside ever since because I don’t want her struggling again."
"Now my brother is asking for help, and my mum says I’m holding a grudge. She keeps reminding me that he’s my only sibling and that family is supposed to help each other through difficult times."
The OP didn't want to end up in the same situation her mother had with her brother.
"The part that really annoys me is that he hasn’t even apologized to her. He called me yesterday and said he doesn’t understand why I’m making him suffer over something that happened two years ago."
"I told him he wasn’t entitled to my home just because he’s related to me. He hung up, and my mum cried when I told her I wasn’t changing my mind."
"I do feel bad because he’s genuinely in a terrible situation, and I have a spare room. But I also know that if I let him move in, my family will expect me to solve every problem he has until he’s ready to leave."
"My mum says she’ll never forgive herself if he ends up homeless, and now I’m wondering if I’m being unnecessarily cruel."
"Am I overreacting, or am I justified in refusing to help him after the way he treated our mum?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out the OP was already helping her brother to make up for his previous debts.
"Your mother should never forgive herself for raising such an entitled son! NOR don't let him stay. You are already paying his debt by making your mother whole again. Remind them both of this." - Top-Bit85
"Op, you should text him this:"
"'Hey big bro, remember when you told mum she shouldn’t have lent you anything she couldn’t afford to lose? I really took that to heart. Thinking long and hard about this, I realize that I can’t afford to lose my privacy or my sanity, so sadly, you can’t move in. Thanks for the advice, big bro! Love you loads and all the best!'" - FloofyFluffyDucky
"It isn’t holding a grudge; it’s holding him accountable, and someone should. NOR." - vt2022cam
"NOR. I hate to say this because I know you love your mom dearly, but she also is trying to look out for herself by not putting herself in harm's way with your brother ever again and instead, outsourcing help even if it's by way of guilt-tripping family to take him in."
"She likely believes that you would be 'generous' enough, because you have been helping her out, but him hanging up on you, not even understanding why you would be upset by proxy, and also never having apologized, means he doesn't believe he really did anything wrong."
"I mean, he victim-blamed his own mother. That's wild in and of itself. Stand firm in your boundaries. OP, you are not obligated to donate time, money, or space for anyone who you believe is a user, regardless of whether or not they're family." - BizarreCujoh
"NOR. If your mom wants to let your brother use her and her money, that’s fine, but you don’t have to."
"And I would also tell your mother that until she at least tries to get that money back from your brother, no more money is coming to her. Just because she wants to give everything to the golden child doesn’t mean you should have to, so just don’t."
"You know you will never get him out of your home and that you will have to evict him in the end? How is that going to go for family relations? Mom will just say you can’t do that, and she’ll expect you not to. He will use you, just like he used his own mother."
"And the usual question: why can’t he move in with her?" - Shadow4summer
"NOR. Even if he hadn't mistreated your mother, you should not let him move in. If he can't pay for his expenses, he will move in and not leave. He will definitely take advantage, and you will end up having to take legal steps to evict him, which will take time."
"This isn't about holding a grudge. Your brother is financially irresponsible and selfish. His problems are everyone else's, but no one else's are his. Don't let anyone guilt you into making such an unwise sacrifice for someone who does not deserve it. It will not end well. You know that." - Chemical-Ad6809
Others were certain that there were other options that did not involve the OP.
"It’s weird that she would never forgive herself if she can’t force OP to take in the freeloader."
"The mom can feel bad for her son without volunteering OP's home and finances to rescue him. And threatening to never forgive herself if he becomes homeless is putting a LOT of emotional pressure on OP for a situation she didn't create."
"Helping someone should be a choice, not a family obligation enforced through guilt. NOR." - Chiffonridge
"Don’t help; it sounds like your brother has burned every bridge he possibly can. Don’t let him screw you over too. We all know he would. NOR." - Big_Reporter8521
"NOR. Does your mom have a couch? He could sleep there. He has nothing tying him to your location, like a nearby job."
"He should take any job out there while he looks to build a career. Your mom has him thinking he is supposed to be the successful one in the family, but that takes work, and good choices."
"He should have maybe closed the business when it first started failing. Instead, he took your mom's retirement. Now he wants to mooch off you."
"She raised him to be so entitled. He doesn't appreciate what help your mom provided. He won't appreciate any help you provide either."
"He already thinks he is entitled to your home. Do you think he will actually follow your rules? Or clean up after himself? Or respect you in your own home? I get the impression he won't." - fromhelley
"NOR. The fact that the brother never repaid mom, never apologized, and basically blamed his own mother for lending him money that she later needed."
"When people tell you who they are? Believe them."
"I especially like that he talks about all this as if it’s ancient history and OP should just move on. It was two years ago, and he’s a 30-year-old man. Who clearly doesn’t give a ripe poop about anyone else."
"I get the sense that the brother is something of the golden child. Hence the mother lending out large sums of money to him because he’s 'the successful one,' and mom now expects OP to house him. Get out of here with that." - Salt-Lavishness-7568
"'My family will expect me to solve every problem he has until he’s ready to leave.' He will NEVER leave, not until he finds a better person to mooch off."
"Your family can house him if they feel so strongly about it. Stand your ground and keep him out."
"I looked back to see if you were a woman, and of course you are, AND you're younger, yet you're supposed to look after him because that's what women do. Don't do it. Put yourself first."
"Your brother thinks that everyone else is here to prop him up." - HighRiseCat
The subreddit was glad to see the OP wasn't interested in letting her brother move into her spare room, even though her mother wanted it and her brother expected it.
The OP clearly would never see any return on her favors if she gave in, and if the rest of the family was so adamant about helping her brother, they could surely come up with another option.
