There's a great deal of talk lately in the United States about declining birth rates.
Families with more than two children are far less common than in the past.
But that doesn't mean there aren't large families still out there. And those more-than-two-kids families require special arrangements when childcare is required.
A brother being asked to accommodate his sister's brood turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Intelligent-Fig-5571 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to take in my sister's four kids while she’s in the hospital?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, male) have a two-bedroom apartment. My wife and I have 2 kids (ages 5 & 7) who share a bedroom, and it’s not very spacious. My sister and I are the only relatives who live close to each other."
"Our parents live about an hour and a half away. I’m not sure about my sister's husband's family, I have never met them except his father."
"I love my sister, we are very close and talk everyday."
"My sister is currently pregnant with her 5th child, and had asked me about taking her kids when she goes to the hospital to deliver, and then for the next day after she comes home as well. Her reasoning is that it’s their last one, and she wants to savor it."
"She wants the second day alone with her husband, her, and the baby, at their house. She also didn’t want us to stay at her house to watch her kids. I’m not sure why my parents can’t come, or if she even asked."
"My mother-in-law came and stayed with my oldest child when our second child was born, and it was only one day. We didn't ask for a day alone at home with the new baby."
"Part of the reason we asked my MIL instead of my sister was she already had three kids by the time our second child was born. Having my sister watch our 2-year-old while we were at the hospital seemed like a big ask—my MIL was a much better choice for everyone."
"My sister has never babysat for me. We don’t need babysitters often, due to our MIL and my wife being stay-at-home moms. Even if I did need one, I wouldn’t ask her because I wouldn’t want to put more on her when she already has four kids."
"Her kids are 12, 10, 8 and 2. I told her I really didn’t think that would work out space-wise, and I work weekdays, so it would be mostly on my wife, which I find unfair to her, and it would be very tiring on her to try to handle six kids all alone."
"It’d be different if it were for a few hours or even one day, or if we were allowed to watch them in their own home, where they have their own bedrooms."
"I’m sure my wife is not jumping at the idea of watching 6 kids in our apartment. I also know the impact it can cause, so I'm saying no to my sister. It would be unfair to make my wife be the one to say no."
"The issue isn’t helping my sister, it’s the space in our apartment since we can't use her house, and the number of children, and for 2-3 days. It would be six kids, aged 12, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 2—from preteen to toddler—in a two bedroom apartment."
"My sister told me take the days off work, and just let the kids all squish together, that it’d be fine. I told her no, I really didn’t see how it would work out."
"She wanted them to come to our apartment when she went into labor, stay that night, and then the night she’s home as well. So it might be more like three days."
"She was upset I said no, and said she was getting stressed out because she really needed reliable care. I asked her what about her sitter (because she does have a sitter) and she said she really didn’t want to have to pay for childcare, and she wanted a day at home with just her husband and her and the baby. Her sitter watches the kids in her home."
"She can afford a sitter, her husband does pretty good for them. I think she just didn’t want to pay if she didn’t have to. Childcare for two days can be extremely expensive for that many kids, so I don’t fault her wanting to save money."
"I told her I was sorry, but no."
"She argued with me a little bit; which was more her trying to persuade me, then when she saw she couldn’t, she got mad and said that I was her only option and family helps family."
"It’s been 2 days, and she hasn’t reached out. We typically talk daily."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"We cannot go to her house to watch her kids because the second day she wants alone time at her home with her husband and the baby."
"I had watched her kids when she had her second and third, but I did not have children at the time. For her youngest, our parents ended up coming down because he was in the NICU for a week."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my sister I didn’t think I’d be able to watch her four kids in my two-bedroom apartment that I share with my wife and two kids when she had her fifth baby."
"She got upset and said I was her only choice and that family helps out. Maybe I am the a**hole because it’s a stressful time."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"There’s what we want, and then there’s what our circumstances dictate. She sounds extremely spoilt for demanding 'alone time' to 'savor' her 5th kid whilst you and your family get to squeeze with her four other children like sardines." ~ emorrigan
"Never mind the bedrooms, eight people using how many bathrooms? Not allowed to use the home most of the people involved are used to because she wants to savor her 5th baby? They need a day by themselves?"
"Why have a boat load of kids if you want to be alone with the new one? Your home is the most inconvenient place available for you to watch these kids. Why not ask your parents for help? NTA, but your sister sure is." ~ Melodic-Psychology62
"I mean, maybe just maybe she could have asked you to take the 2-year-old in if they don't go to daycare after they are dropped off by the dad who has also dropped the older kids to school and asked you to collect the older kids from school for a couple of hours on the day of arrival from hospital so they can have a few hours together but even that would be pushing it big time." ~ Particular-Bird652
"Am I the only one who doesn’t think an hour and a half is that far? If the parents lived multiple states over or across the country, then sure I can see why she’d ask OP. Having the parents stay at the sister’s house or taking the kids to the parents’ house seems way more logical." ~ lizeken
"I think she wants the 4 she has now to leave and go somewhere else so she could pretend it's just her, her husband, and newborn. She probably knows no one else will indulge her bullsh*t." ~ NoOriginal0
"My mother-in-law lives three hours away, and she makes that drive for every school play, birthday, and holiday without question." ~ DropDeadDolly
"NTA. I agree, time for Grandma and Grandpa to take a trip to help out. 1.5 hours isn't that far."
"Here's a practical solution as long as they are physically and mentally fit enough to assist keeping kids alive:"
"• Brother goes to sister's house to watch sister's 4 kids when she goes to the hospital to deliver while his wife watches their 2 kids, each in their own home."
"• Immediate family doesn't visit in the hospital so sister and husband have new baby bonding time."
"• 12 and 8-year-old sisters' kids are prepped to be a help, not a burden, to grandparents with childcare and chores."
"• Parents drive 1.5 hours during delivery time or daylight to sister's house to take over for brother."
"• Sister gets real about the ability to have 'alone' time with just her and her husband and lets that go."
"• Sister's husband schedules vasectomy."
"Problem solved!" ~ Perfect_TAS
"I'm a big fan of those last two, given that they had five kids and are throwing a tantrum about alone time. They have help and support and no one has denied them in an emergency."
"It's just that this isn't an emergency, but instead it's 'I decided to have five kids and now I'm surprised and upset because alone time disappeared, it's definitely on other people to fix this unforeseeable problem for me'." ~ No-Hovercraft-455
OP's sister's demands seem excessive, expecting her brother's family to cram eight people in a two-bedroom apartment for an indeterminate amount of time so she can "savor" her fifth child.
Choices have consequences, and children come with responsibilities.
OP's sister chose to have five children. Now she and her husband are responsible for them.
Pushing them off on her brother because she wants free childcare—complete with savor time—isn't being responsible for her own choices.
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