When staying at other people's homes awkward moments can arise.
People may have to follow rules they disagree with.
And be put in situations that they are uncomfortable.
But if you're living rent free, payment may have to come from somewhere.
Case in point...
Redditor absolutirony wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to babysit my brother's kids?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My brother and his wife have two toddlers aged 3 and 2."
"Due to a recent divorce and financial difficulties I've been living with my brother and his wife for the past couple of months."
"His wife is not a fan of me staying with them but she tolerates my presence for the sake of my brother as I can tell."
"That though doesn't stop her from ordering me around the house and assigning me things to do as if I'm her personal servant."
"My brother defends her treating me like that and claims I should do my part too."
"I already do."
"But he claims that I don't do enough as a person who lives here too."
"To the point."
"My brother's wife had a horrible stomach ache the other day and my brother wanted to take her to the doctor."
"They asked me to watch the kids for a couple of hours until they come back and I refused."
"I said I don't want to have this responsibility and that they should either take the kids with them, or call an ambulance so his wife can go to the hospital and he can stay with the kids or call our parents or her parents for help."
"My brother said 'but you're right here and we are in urgent need please.'"
"I refused again. I said not my kids, not my problem."
"They ended up taking the kids and driving them to my parents until they came back."
"My parents called me and said I was being ridiculous for refusing to help."
"I reminded them how I'm not responsible for these kids and I don't have to be."
'We had an argument about it and they said my brother is very pissed and I should be in my knees apologizing to him and his wife when they return."
"They came home and my brother told me I have two days to pack my stuff and find somewhere else to live."
"Because he's done with me being a parasite in his own house and villainizing him or his wife for expecting the slightest help and contribution around the house."
"And that I crossed the line when in time of emergency I put my ego above their need for help."
"I defended myself and I honestly don't believe I did something wrong."
"I said they have the right to disagree but they have to respect my thoughts and feelings on this as well."
"He insisted I have two days to either get my s**t together or leave."
"I called my parents crying about what my brother and his wife were about to do and they sided with them and said I had it coming."
"Was I really an AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Since you're living at Bro's and S[ister] I[n] L[aw]'s house due to financial difficulties, I'm assuming you're living rent free."
"Do you contribute to anything at all financially?"
"The least you can do is watch their kids DUE TO A MEDICAL EMERGENCY."
"Yeah, I'd say you had it coming. YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"Notice OP says they do their part but doesn't actually say what they contribute to the household - rent, bills, housework, etc."
"But the brother is saying they don't provide even the slightest help and the SIL is 'assigning' them tasks that OP presumably doesn't do or doesn't think they should do."
"Like what OP?"
"Like cleaning or vacuuming or dusting or any of the other things an adult household member should be doing?"
"Unreliable narrator. I don't think OP lifts a finger in this house. YTA." ~ Distinct-Inspector-2
"I know it's a major assumption, but it sounds like OP doesn't even have a job."
"Maybe it's just the way it was written, but it sounds like they're home all the time and usually in a situation like this I would expect work excuses."
"It sounds like brother and SIL were already fed up with OP and this was the straw that broke the camels back."
"YTA, OP. You sound like a very selfish person."
"When I stayed with my sibling after leaving a bad relationship, I cooked, I cleaned, I babysat, I did laundry, all while I worked full time."
"It was the least I could do for my sibling since they made room for me in their home on short notice and allowing me to stay rent free until I could get back on my feet." ~ tinypurplepiggy
"Seriously. You don't want to help out your brother and watch your niece and nephew during an emergency, whilst LIVING WITH THEM, you can sort yourself out."
"They may not be your monkeys, but you are definitely not their circus."
"Go leach off another family member."
"Oh, and your SIL was probably not bossing you around, but asking you to contribute in the home, you know, like normal people who are sharing a home do."
"If I were your brother, I would have kicked you out that same day. YTA." ~ bvibviana
"They should have said the same about you when you needed a place to live - not my kid, not my problem."
"They just woke up to your logic and now, you don't like it?"
"YTA. Get what you give, my friend."
"You dished it, now it is served to you cold!" ~ Few-Afternoon-6276
"The fact she's on here to try and justify her actions and prove her brother wrong is very telling."
"Especially since her brother gave the options of 'you have two days to get your s**t together OR leave.'"
"The dude is still willing to be a good brother and let her stay if she pulls her head out of her arse instead she's on the internet trying to be the victim." ~ PlatypusTacos
"OP's brother was nice to give him two days."
"I would have come home and thrown OP's stuff on the lawn and told him, 'You're not my kid, so not my problem.'"
"Instead of OP helping here and there and getting a free place to stay, now OP can work for 40 hours plus a week and barely be able to afford to live. Yay!"
"OP has to be an adult and have adult consequences! YTA." ~ crystallz2000
"There was one when the roommate was begging OP to look after her child because she had to take her last exam for her medical qualification."
"She had arranged a babysitter but babysitter had to cancel and no one else could cover."
"OP said it was part of the agreement that OP would never have to look after the child to which roommate never did until that day."
"Roommate even offered to pay OP and the child was old enough to entertain herself, go to the toilet etc."
"Roommate was begging OP to help because it was her last exam and if she failed she needed to repeat the entire semester."
"OP dug and said she'd leave the house if roommate left."
"So she ended up not taking the exam."
"I think OP was judged to be an A H in this case." ~ nomad_l17
"YTA your living rent free and think you shouldn't have to help around the house?"
"I get not watching their kids all the time but you didn't even do that and this was an emergency."
"You were being an unhelpful moocher and then crying to your parents makes you seems immature." ~ Sfarsitulend
"Thanks for making this easy on us by waving your AH flag loud and proud."
"Your brother and his wife allowed you to stay with them for months because it was convenient for you financially."
"They asked you for your help during an emergency situation and you refused."
"Interesting how when you needed help (a place to stay) they allowed you into their home (for MONTHS)."
"When they had a medical emergency, you couldn't be bothered to help for HOURS."
"YTA man and it's so obviously the case." ~ Ordinary-Choice771
"YTA. If you want to play the 'not my kids, not my problem' and refuse to help during an emergency, then they can play the 'not our money issues, not our problem' right back."
"They gave you a home when you needed it."
"You refused to help when they needed it while thinking you could continue to mooch off them."
"You more than had it coming." ~ missdannyalvz
"YTA. Absolutely. They take you into their home, and you can't even watch the kids once so they can go to the doctor."
"I would be ashamed to treat my sister the way you treat your brother. My God." ~ Salz78
"YTA... and brought this on yourself."
"Might be time for some reflection about why you're going through all this."
"That's next level obnoxious behavior in my book."
"You'd be gone by the time I got home, not two days later." ~ Short-Classroom2559
"God I just love the juicy satisfaction of watching someone be hoisted by their own petard."
"You are right, not your kids, not your problem."
"Enjoy homelessness, where you won't have to watch anyone's kids. YTA." ~ Objective-Elephant13
Well OP, Reddit really doesn't seem to agree with your choices.
Hopefully you can sit down with your brother and SIL and hash this out peacefully.
Or maybe your parents can take you in.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp