When staying at other people's homes awkward moments can arise.
People may have to follow rules they disagree with.
And be put in situations that they are uncomfortable.
But if you're living rent free, payment may have to come from somewhere.
Case in point...
Redditor absolutirony wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to babysit my brother's kids?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My brother and his wife have two toddlers aged 3 and 2."
"Due to a recent divorce and financial difficulties I've been living with my brother and his wife for the past couple of months."
"His wife is not a fan of me staying with them but she tolerates my presence for the sake of my brother as I can tell."
"That though doesn't stop her from ordering me around the house and assigning me things to do as if I'm her personal servant."
"My brother defends her treating me like that and claims I should do my part too."
"I already do."
"But he claims that I don't do enough as a person who lives here too."
"To the point."
"My brother's wife had a horrible stomach ache the other day and my brother wanted to take her to the doctor."
"They asked me to watch the kids for a couple of hours until they come back and I refused."
"I said I don't want to have this responsibility and that they should either take the kids with them, or call an ambulance so his wife can go to the hospital and he can stay with the kids or call our parents or her parents for help."
"My brother said 'but you're right here and we are in urgent need please.'"
"I refused again. I said not my kids, not my problem."
"They ended up taking the kids and driving them to my parents until they came back."
"My parents called me and said I was being ridiculous for refusing to help."
"I reminded them how I'm not responsible for these kids and I don't have to be."
'We had an argument about it and they said my brother is very pissed and I should be in my knees apologizing to him and his wife when they return."
"They came home and my brother told me I have two days to pack my stuff and find somewhere else to live."
"Because he's done with me being a parasite in his own house and villainizing him or his wife for expecting the slightest help and contribution around the house."
"And that I crossed the line when in time of emergency I put my ego above their need for help."
"I defended myself and I honestly don't believe I did something wrong."
"I said they have the right to disagree but they have to respect my thoughts and feelings on this as well."
"He insisted I have two days to either get my s**t together or leave."
"I called my parents crying about what my brother and his wife were about to do and they sided with them and said I had it coming."
"Was I really an AH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Since you're living at Bro's and S[ister] I[n] L[aw]'s house due to financial difficulties, I'm assuming you're living rent free."
"Do you contribute to anything at all financially?"
"The least you can do is watch their kids DUE TO A MEDICAL EMERGENCY."
"Yeah, I'd say you had it coming. YTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"Notice OP says they do their part but doesn't actually say what they contribute to the household - rent, bills, housework, etc."
"But the brother is saying they don't provide even the slightest help and the SIL is 'assigning' them tasks that OP presumably doesn't do or doesn't think they should do."
"Like what OP?"
"Like cleaning or vacuuming or dusting or any of the other things an adult household member should be doing?"
"Unreliable narrator. I don't think OP lifts a finger in this house. YTA." ~ Distinct-Inspector-2
"I know it's a major assumption, but it sounds like OP doesn't even have a job."
"Maybe it's just the way it was written, but it sounds like they're home all the time and usually in a situation like this I would expect work excuses."
"It sounds like brother and SIL were already fed up with OP and this was the straw that broke the camels back."
"YTA, OP. You sound like a very selfish person."
"When I stayed with my sibling after leaving a bad relationship, I cooked, I cleaned, I babysat, I did laundry, all while I worked full time."
"It was the least I could do for my sibling since they made room for me in their home on short notice and allowing me to stay rent free until I could get back on my feet." ~ tinypurplepiggy
"Seriously. You don't want to help out your brother and watch your niece and nephew during an emergency, whilst LIVING WITH THEM, you can sort yourself out."
"They may not be your monkeys, but you are definitely not their circus."
"Go leach off another family member."
"Oh, and your SIL was probably not bossing you around, but asking you to contribute in the home, you know, like normal people who are sharing a home do."
"If I were your brother, I would have kicked you out that same day. YTA." ~ bvibviana
"They should have said the same about you when you needed a place to live - not my kid, not my problem."
"They just woke up to your logic and now, you don't like it?"
"YTA. Get what you give, my friend."
"You dished it, now it is served to you cold!" ~ Few-Afternoon-6276
"The fact she's on here to try and justify her actions and prove her brother wrong is very telling."
"Especially since her brother gave the options of 'you have two days to get your s**t together OR leave.'"
"The dude is still willing to be a good brother and let her stay if she pulls her head out of her arse instead she's on the internet trying to be the victim." ~ PlatypusTacos
"OP's brother was nice to give him two days."
"I would have come home and thrown OP's stuff on the lawn and told him, 'You're not my kid, so not my problem.'"
"Instead of OP helping here and there and getting a free place to stay, now OP can work for 40 hours plus a week and barely be able to afford to live. Yay!"
"OP has to be an adult and have adult consequences! YTA." ~ crystallz2000
"There was one when the roommate was begging OP to look after her child because she had to take her last exam for her medical qualification."
"She had arranged a babysitter but babysitter had to cancel and no one else could cover."
"OP said it was part of the agreement that OP would never have to look after the child to which roommate never did until that day."
"Roommate even offered to pay OP and the child was old enough to entertain herself, go to the toilet etc."
"Roommate was begging OP to help because it was her last exam and if she failed she needed to repeat the entire semester."
"OP dug and said she'd leave the house if roommate left."
"So she ended up not taking the exam."
"I think OP was judged to be an A H in this case." ~ nomad_l17
"YTA your living rent free and think you shouldn't have to help around the house?"
"I get not watching their kids all the time but you didn't even do that and this was an emergency."
"You were being an unhelpful moocher and then crying to your parents makes you seems immature." ~ Sfarsitulend
"Thanks for making this easy on us by waving your AH flag loud and proud."
"Your brother and his wife allowed you to stay with them for months because it was convenient for you financially."
"They asked you for your help during an emergency situation and you refused."
"Interesting how when you needed help (a place to stay) they allowed you into their home (for MONTHS)."
"When they had a medical emergency, you couldn't be bothered to help for HOURS."
"YTA man and it's so obviously the case." ~ Ordinary-Choice771
"YTA. If you want to play the 'not my kids, not my problem' and refuse to help during an emergency, then they can play the 'not our money issues, not our problem' right back."
"They gave you a home when you needed it."
"You refused to help when they needed it while thinking you could continue to mooch off them."
"You more than had it coming." ~ missdannyalvz
"YTA. Absolutely. They take you into their home, and you can't even watch the kids once so they can go to the doctor."
"I would be ashamed to treat my sister the way you treat your brother. My God." ~ Salz78
"YTA... and brought this on yourself."
"Might be time for some reflection about why you're going through all this."
"That's next level obnoxious behavior in my book."
"You'd be gone by the time I got home, not two days later." ~ Short-Classroom2559
"God I just love the juicy satisfaction of watching someone be hoisted by their own petard."
"You are right, not your kids, not your problem."
"Enjoy homelessness, where you won't have to watch anyone's kids. YTA." ~ Objective-Elephant13
Well OP, Reddit really doesn't seem to agree with your choices.
Hopefully you can sit down with your brother and SIL and hash this out peacefully.
Or maybe your parents can take you in.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.