There are three types of birthday gifts: the just-okay gifts, the very well thought-out, took-months-to-put-together gifts, and the what-on-earth-were-you-thinking gifts.
Gifting a new mom who is breastfeeding a bottle of champagne for her birthday definitely falls under that third category, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Think_Presence2175 had just recently had a baby and couldn't visit her sister, who also had recently had a baby, for her birthday, so she gave her mother an expensive bottle of champagne to pass along to her sister.
When her sister called her out on the gift, questioning what she was thinking, the Original Poster (OP) thought that she was ungrateful and hateful, rather than realizing that it might not have been the best choice of gifts.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for giving my breastfeeding sister an expensive bottle of champagne as a birthday gift and now not wanting to talk to her?"
The OP passed a birthday gift along for her mom to take to her sister.
"I (Female) recently had an issue with my sister, and I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong here."
"For her birthday, I got her a gift: a relatively expensive bottle of champagne and some chocolates."
"I couldn’t go see her in person because I have a baby, so I gave the gift to our mom to pass along to her."
The OP's sister did not enjoy the gift.
"About a week later, I met up with my sister. She also has a baby and is currently breastfeeding."
"Out of nowhere, she started getting angry at me about the gift. She said things like, 'What kind of present is this? I’m breastfeeding, why would you give me alcohol?'"
"She went on to say I don’t know how to give gifts and that I only gave it 'just to say I gave something.'"
"She became pretty insulting during this."
The OP didn't see what the big deal was.
"I was honestly surprised because I didn’t think it was such a big deal."
"I told her she could always save it for later, serve it to guests, or give it to her husband."
"To me, it didn’t seem like such an inappropriate gift."
"For context, this isn’t the first time she’s reacted negatively to gifts from me. For Christmas, I gave her a pink jumper. She said, 'Of all colors, you chose the only one I hate,' though she's NEVER said she hates pink."
"Recently, I gave her a skirt and jumper set (in beige, not pink). She said, 'Thank you,' but immediately added that she doesn’t like it."
"So this feels like a pattern where no matter what I give her, she criticizes it."
The OP felt like she needed some distance from her sister for a while.
"After the champagne situation and the way she spoke to me, I honestly feel hurt and don’t really want to talk to her anymore."
"It feels like she’s mean to me and maybe just doesn’t like me."
"Was I wrong for giving that gift and for now wanting some distance from her?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw fault in both women's choice of behavior in that moment.
"ESH. Your sister's response to these gifts is plain rude."
"However, your own gift giving shows a lack of care for what your sister likes or even her life's circumstance." - Typical-Assignment65
"Giving a breastfeeding mom alcohol as a gift without checking to see if she has alcohol while breastfeeding and then telling her she can give it to other people or her husband is a comedic level of obtuseness from another mom."
"Bonus points if it’s a new mom."
"ESH, but I would rather not receive anything than something I don’t want or can’t use at all, and sister seems to not have patience for it, either." - accioqueso
"ESH. The sister is ungracious. If it doesn’t work for you, ask for the receipt and get something you like."
"OP seems very lazy and buys something just to say she gave her a gift. She’s not thoughtful about it."
"My sister-in-law is like this. She buys things for people based on her interests, not theirs, and half the time, it ends up being something we can't even use." - neon_crone
"ESH. I mean, I'm not certain. To me, these don't sound like very thoughtful gifts, and I put a LOT of time and thought into gifts."
"But, that said, my sister is like the OP's sister, complaining about every darn thing."
"My mum took her shopping, and my sister tried on some shoes and really seemed to like them, but didn't wind up buying them."
"For a couple of months before Christmas, she occasionally mentioned that she needed new shoes."
"Christmas morning came, and my mum had purchased those shoes for her. She opened the box, saw the shoes, and went on an almost five-minute rant that included the phrase, 'Who would buy these ugly shoes for someone they cared about?'"
"To this day, I have no idea what the f**k is wrong with her. Some people are just... something." - jameson8016
"Unless the sister is a champagne connoisseur or this is a special bottle, it's not a great gift. It sounds a bit like a generic gift, and why would someone want to store a generic gift instead of just buying their own alcohol when they're ready to have a drink?"
"That’s a gift you get for someone you don’t know well as a formality. Giving it to someone you know well, who you know isn’t even drinking at the moment, is just rude."
"I would have just thanked OP to be fair, but impersonal gift givers who are your immediate family definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth."
"My mom does this, too. She’ll just go get something day-of, and it’s always something she likes instead of what the person likes. You don’t notice at first, but when it's year after year, it’s hurtful!" - sleepysky98
"YTA. Do you even know what your sister likes? Buying a gift just to buy a gift makes it about how you feel about giving it instead of how the person actually receiving the gift feels about it."
"How would you feel if someone showed up to your house with a live animal and said, 'Surprise! I got you a gift, and you have to be grateful!'"
"You are explicitly buying things that make your sister feel unseen and uncared for, and honestly, it sounds like you’re doing it on purpose and then coming here to get us to validate your s**tty actions."
"Your sister didn't have to yell at you about it, but d**n." - arvilla091
Others reassured the OP that they'd received congratulatory gifts that they simply saved to use at another time.
"I mean, I’m breastfeeding. Plenty of people got us wine as congratulations on having the baby. You are capable of pumping and dumping, or saving the alcohol for later!" - Temporary-Force8383
"Everyone is glossing over the part that this is an expensive bottle, and it won’t degrade over time. Even standard bottles last for three years."
"Giving someone an expensive bottle to consume later is not a bad present if the person consumes alcohol. It’s only a bad present if the person has plans to stop drinking for good." - sushiwalrus
"It's unbelievable how few people are mentioning this. Champagne as a gift doesn't mean, 'DRINK THIS RIGHT NOW; OPEN YOUR MOUTH.' You can save it for later, duh!" - crindy-
"No judgement from me, but I'm a breastfeeding mom and would not mind receiving champagne at all. I know I could keep it for later, what's the big deal?"
"Your sister making such a big deal over her birthday gift is really immature. I'd expect that from a 15-year-old, not a grown-a** mom. I'd stop giving gifts altogether, or if you have to, just give a gift card, and she can do her own thing." - PixelRoku
"She bought her sister some nice chocolates and (in her words, expensive) wine because she's not a big gift giver and just receives bitching in return, and then people here dogpiling with YTA?"
"In the real world, a normal person would say 'ooh thanks' regardless of whether they liked them or not, then take them and do whatever they need to do with them, be it wait a while before drinking or gift them on."
"OP at least gave her sister a relatively normal and well-accepted gift, which is better than no gift at all. In my opinion, gifts don't NEED to be thoughtful. I'd absolutely love it if someone just bought me some wine and chocolates, even if I couldn't drink for a while. It's something to look forward to while I nom on those chocolates at 3:00 AM while breastfeeding!"
"If I were OP, I'd not buy gifts anymore for her sis, if someone can't even muster up a pretend gracious response to getting a gift, then they don't really deserve to receive anything from you." - No-Mark4427
The subReddit was divided over this issue, as it's usually pretty frowned upon to complain to someone about the gift they've given you, but it's also kind of crappy to not put thought into gifts for someone, year after year, which some Redditors felt was the real problem here.
It might be good for the sisters to get a little distance from each other for now while they settle into motherhood, and later, they can rekindle their relationship as sisters and aunts. At that point and time, gift cards or unique money-delivery gifts might be the way to go!
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.