There are three types of birthday gifts: the just-okay gifts, the very well thought-out, took-months-to-put-together gifts, and the what-on-earth-were-you-thinking gifts.
Gifting a new mom who is breastfeeding a bottle of champagne for her birthday definitely falls under that third category, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Think_Presence2175 had just recently had a baby and couldn't visit her sister, who also had recently had a baby, for her birthday, so she gave her mother an expensive bottle of champagne to pass along to her sister.
When her sister called her out on the gift, questioning what she was thinking, the Original Poster (OP) thought that she was ungrateful and hateful, rather than realizing that it might not have been the best choice of gifts.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for giving my breastfeeding sister an expensive bottle of champagne as a birthday gift and now not wanting to talk to her?"
The OP passed a birthday gift along for her mom to take to her sister.
"I (Female) recently had an issue with my sister, and I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong here."
"For her birthday, I got her a gift: a relatively expensive bottle of champagne and some chocolates."
"I couldn’t go see her in person because I have a baby, so I gave the gift to our mom to pass along to her."
The OP's sister did not enjoy the gift.
"About a week later, I met up with my sister. She also has a baby and is currently breastfeeding."
"Out of nowhere, she started getting angry at me about the gift. She said things like, 'What kind of present is this? I’m breastfeeding, why would you give me alcohol?'"
"She went on to say I don’t know how to give gifts and that I only gave it 'just to say I gave something.'"
"She became pretty insulting during this."
The OP didn't see what the big deal was.
"I was honestly surprised because I didn’t think it was such a big deal."
"I told her she could always save it for later, serve it to guests, or give it to her husband."
"To me, it didn’t seem like such an inappropriate gift."
"For context, this isn’t the first time she’s reacted negatively to gifts from me. For Christmas, I gave her a pink jumper. She said, 'Of all colors, you chose the only one I hate,' though she's NEVER said she hates pink."
"Recently, I gave her a skirt and jumper set (in beige, not pink). She said, 'Thank you,' but immediately added that she doesn’t like it."
"So this feels like a pattern where no matter what I give her, she criticizes it."
The OP felt like she needed some distance from her sister for a while.
"After the champagne situation and the way she spoke to me, I honestly feel hurt and don’t really want to talk to her anymore."
"It feels like she’s mean to me and maybe just doesn’t like me."
"Was I wrong for giving that gift and for now wanting some distance from her?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw fault in both women's choice of behavior in that moment.
"ESH. Your sister's response to these gifts is plain rude."
"However, your own gift giving shows a lack of care for what your sister likes or even her life's circumstance." - Typical-Assignment65
"Giving a breastfeeding mom alcohol as a gift without checking to see if she has alcohol while breastfeeding and then telling her she can give it to other people or her husband is a comedic level of obtuseness from another mom."
"Bonus points if it’s a new mom."
"ESH, but I would rather not receive anything than something I don’t want or can’t use at all, and sister seems to not have patience for it, either." - accioqueso
"ESH. The sister is ungracious. If it doesn’t work for you, ask for the receipt and get something you like."
"OP seems very lazy and buys something just to say she gave her a gift. She’s not thoughtful about it."
"My sister-in-law is like this. She buys things for people based on her interests, not theirs, and half the time, it ends up being something we can't even use." - neon_crone
"ESH. I mean, I'm not certain. To me, these don't sound like very thoughtful gifts, and I put a LOT of time and thought into gifts."
"But, that said, my sister is like the OP's sister, complaining about every darn thing."
"My mum took her shopping, and my sister tried on some shoes and really seemed to like them, but didn't wind up buying them."
"For a couple of months before Christmas, she occasionally mentioned that she needed new shoes."
"Christmas morning came, and my mum had purchased those shoes for her. She opened the box, saw the shoes, and went on an almost five-minute rant that included the phrase, 'Who would buy these ugly shoes for someone they cared about?'"
"To this day, I have no idea what the f**k is wrong with her. Some people are just... something." - jameson8016
"Unless the sister is a champagne connoisseur or this is a special bottle, it's not a great gift. It sounds a bit like a generic gift, and why would someone want to store a generic gift instead of just buying their own alcohol when they're ready to have a drink?"
"That’s a gift you get for someone you don’t know well as a formality. Giving it to someone you know well, who you know isn’t even drinking at the moment, is just rude."
"I would have just thanked OP to be fair, but impersonal gift givers who are your immediate family definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth."
"My mom does this, too. She’ll just go get something day-of, and it’s always something she likes instead of what the person likes. You don’t notice at first, but when it's year after year, it’s hurtful!" - sleepysky98
"YTA. Do you even know what your sister likes? Buying a gift just to buy a gift makes it about how you feel about giving it instead of how the person actually receiving the gift feels about it."
"How would you feel if someone showed up to your house with a live animal and said, 'Surprise! I got you a gift, and you have to be grateful!'"
"You are explicitly buying things that make your sister feel unseen and uncared for, and honestly, it sounds like you’re doing it on purpose and then coming here to get us to validate your s**tty actions."
"Your sister didn't have to yell at you about it, but d**n." - arvilla091
Others reassured the OP that they'd received congratulatory gifts that they simply saved to use at another time.
"I mean, I’m breastfeeding. Plenty of people got us wine as congratulations on having the baby. You are capable of pumping and dumping, or saving the alcohol for later!" - Temporary-Force8383
"Everyone is glossing over the part that this is an expensive bottle, and it won’t degrade over time. Even standard bottles last for three years."
"Giving someone an expensive bottle to consume later is not a bad present if the person consumes alcohol. It’s only a bad present if the person has plans to stop drinking for good." - sushiwalrus
"It's unbelievable how few people are mentioning this. Champagne as a gift doesn't mean, 'DRINK THIS RIGHT NOW; OPEN YOUR MOUTH.' You can save it for later, duh!" - crindy-
"No judgement from me, but I'm a breastfeeding mom and would not mind receiving champagne at all. I know I could keep it for later, what's the big deal?"
"Your sister making such a big deal over her birthday gift is really immature. I'd expect that from a 15-year-old, not a grown-a** mom. I'd stop giving gifts altogether, or if you have to, just give a gift card, and she can do her own thing." - PixelRoku
"She bought her sister some nice chocolates and (in her words, expensive) wine because she's not a big gift giver and just receives bitching in return, and then people here dogpiling with YTA?"
"In the real world, a normal person would say 'ooh thanks' regardless of whether they liked them or not, then take them and do whatever they need to do with them, be it wait a while before drinking or gift them on."
"OP at least gave her sister a relatively normal and well-accepted gift, which is better than no gift at all. In my opinion, gifts don't NEED to be thoughtful. I'd absolutely love it if someone just bought me some wine and chocolates, even if I couldn't drink for a while. It's something to look forward to while I nom on those chocolates at 3:00 AM while breastfeeding!"
"If I were OP, I'd not buy gifts anymore for her sis, if someone can't even muster up a pretend gracious response to getting a gift, then they don't really deserve to receive anything from you." - No-Mark4427
The subReddit was divided over this issue, as it's usually pretty frowned upon to complain to someone about the gift they've given you, but it's also kind of crappy to not put thought into gifts for someone, year after year, which some Redditors felt was the real problem here.
It might be good for the sisters to get a little distance from each other for now while they settle into motherhood, and later, they can rekindle their relationship as sisters and aunts. At that point and time, gift cards or unique money-delivery gifts might be the way to go!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp