Anyone who's been involved in a wedding party before knows that some pretty weird and intense requests can come up during the wedding planning, from how to dress to how to behave during the wedding.
But a person should hold the right to reject any plan that doesn't work for them, whether it's their loved one's special day or not, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Slow-Pineapple7637 had always been close to her sister and wanted her to be the happiest bride ever on her wedding day, so she was willing to help in any way she could to make that happen.
But when her sister and family kept pushing her to have a special dance with her future brother-in-law, the Original Poster (OP) knew that they were trying to set her up with him, because they liked him better than her current boyfriend.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to be a part of my sister's wedding?"
The OP was extremely happy for her sister on her getting married.
"My sister (25 Female) and I (20 Female) have always been close."
"When she asked me to be her Maid of Honor (MOH), I was so excited to help her plan everything and be involved with the wedding."
"It felt like every day she would call me to help with details of her wedding (when I was already really busy with uni), and I still loved helping her."
"Her wedding is in August, and since her fiancé is well-off, they're going all out. Exclusive venue, top chefs for catering, expensive dress, etc, and some of it is pretentious in my opinion, but it's her wedding."
The OP was uncomfortable with her sister's latest plans regarding her future brother-in-law (BIL).
Her fiancé's best man is also his brother (who is ironically the same age as me)."
"My sister wants him and me to walk down the aisle together and have our own dance at the wedding, which the first time I obliged, but the second time I felt it was really weird."
"I have never heard of something like that before."
"I kept asking her why she wanted that, and she kept not giving an answer, saying things like it was her wedding and that's what she wanted."
The OP's boyfriend was also uncomfortable with the arrangement, which the OP wanted to be respectful to.
"I have been dating my boyfriend for eight months, and this is my longest relationship I have been in. He treats me well, and there's this spark I have never had with other guys."
"My parents and sister all hate him, since he is a personal trainer and not currently in and has no plans of going to university."
"I should say they haven't flat-out said that they don't like him, it's just snide remarks and tone of voice when talking about him."
"My boyfriend wasn't thrilled about me doing this dance with the guy."
"Last week, we started to learn the choreography, and it's weirdly intimate and personal. It made me uncomfortable to be so close to another man who wasn't my boyfriend."
"Not to mention, he made comments calling me beautiful and saying that he loved my eyes."
The OP's sister kept disregarding her concerns.
"I told my sister the things he said and that the dance and his comments made me uncomfortable, and if we could just not do a dance, but she wouldn't listen."
"She kept insisting it was her wedding and that what she wanted goes."
"I told her that if she wouldn't cut the dance, then I wouldn't be her Maid of Honor."
"She said the dance was a non-negotiable, so this morning I dropped off my Maid of Honor dress at her flat and told her I would not be a part of her wedding."
"Now our family group chat is blowing up, my mom is yelling at me for being disrespectful, and my sister is crying and freaking out about how to proceed with her wedding."
"I guess I wish my beliefs were respected so I didn't have to do that. Am I wrong for backing out of being her Maid of Honor because it made me uncomfortable?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP's comfort needed to be as non-negotiable as the bride's dance plans.
"It seems like they are trying to set you up with the brother."
"That doesn't sound like what you want, so if the dance is 'non-negotiable,' you made the best decision for you."
"Anybody who doesn't like it can kick rocks. NTA." - Paul-Kersey
"The family has made it clear that OP could do better in her choice of partner, and since RICH BILL has an unattached brother around the same age… OP would jump at the chance to upgrade, and it would be such a 'romantic' story to tell the families of how the sisters are married to the brothers."
"My guess is that OP’s sister lied to the fiancé’s brother about OP being 'perfect' for him and that is why he was making OP uncomfortable during dance lessons."
"NTA." - Fickle-Squirrel-4091
"I think they're hoping that the dance will make OP fall for the best man and ditch her boyfriend. It seems like a desperate move on their part that they're using the wedding to do it."
"NTA, OP. You're clearly uncomfortable with the arrangement, and you told your sister, but she's not listening. Backing out is the right thing to do. She should have seen this coming." - IceSeeker
"NTA. This is an issue of consent. She can't force you to do an intimate dance with another man for her own enjoyment (why she wants you to do that I have no idea). It's an unreasonable demand. You told her it made you uncomfortable; she said it was compulsory for the MOH, so you said you couldn't be MOH."
"Totally logical choice. If she wants you to be MOH, then she can respect your personal boundaries and compromise on the dance." - flattened_apex
"The refusal to explain WHY the dance is 'non-negotiable,' paired with your family's snide treatment of your boyfriend, really looks like a setup with the brother. The intimate choreography, the 'you're beautiful, I love your eyes' comments, a partner dance that isn't a thing at normal weddings, that's wild... to be honest."
"Your sister won't answer the why because the honest answer is one she knows you'd reject." - Mariusz_Bobek
Others agreed that the family was clearly trying to play matchmaker and doing a terrible job at that.
"NTA. It seems like they’re trying to play matchmaker with you and the best man. They can p**s off with their attitudes. No one's allowed to dictate another’s partner simply because they don’t like them." - fizzlypixie
"They dislike OP's boyfriend because he isn't what they want for her so the obvious *eyeroll* gambit is to push her onto her soon-to-be brother-in-law."
'If OP found the whole thing to be uncomfortable, then she is allowed to say no. And from her description, it does sound uncomfortable if you aren't a professional dancer used to dancing with in a fairly intimate manner with men who aren't your boyfriend/husband."
"NTA." - ShineAtom
"My cousin tried the same nonsense with me at her wedding. She didn't care for my then-boyfriend of two years (no college, but very skilled in welding, plumbing, etc.), so she wanted to match me up with a friend of her fiancé."
"I also dropped out of the wedding party."
"The irony is that I'm married to that no-college guy, and that lasted 32 years (over 37 together), and her marriage barely made it for two years. Evidently, he was cheating on her the entire time they were together; he just liked her income."
"So that BA and MBA weren't the great indicator of marriage material she thought it was. Husband #2 is a hard-working contractor who is very, very successful and a great guy. Much happier marriage." - Catfish1960
"NTA. Trust your gut about the guy - but also, if you get the chance, ask him if he knows that you're in a serious relationship. From what you've said here, I wouldn't put it past your sister to have talked you up to her BIL in the hopes that you two get together, without your BIL being fully aware of your situation."
"As for your sister, you gave her two choices and chose this one. Maybe let her know that you're open to her going back to option A., you're MOH but there's no dance, and hold your ground if she insists on the dance. It might be her wedding, but 'putting my sister in a situation where she feels unsafe' is outrageous." - KiwiAtaahua
"I don’t think OP should accept being the MOH at all at this point. This whole thing sounds so manipulative that I wouldn’t put it past the bride to publicly announce the Best Man and MOH dance anyway and expect public pressure and the desire not make a scene to force OP to do it."
"Better to not risk it and just not be in the wedding party at all." - dianebk2003
"NTA. They are trying to set you up with the best man."
"Walking down the aisle is acceptable and not inappropriate. Other than the newlywed's first dance, father and daughter, and groom with mother-of-the-bride, I have never heard of any other highlighted dances."
"It would even potentially be acceptable if it were an innocent dance and the best man wasn't so flirty."
"But since it is an intimate dance AND the best man is being flirty, you made the right decision." - SeatSix
The subReddit could agree that it was the bride's special day, and the family might want what's best for the OP and even have some romantic notion of their daughters marrying men from the same wealthy family. But it was only the best for the OP if she felt like it was the best, as well, and she clearly did not.
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