We all know what it feels like to care more about someone than they care about us, especially in our friendships and romantic pursuits.
But the feeling of imbalance especially stings when it's coming from a sibling, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, especially when one was delusional enough to think they were close.
Redditor VegetableRegular1269 always wanted to have a close and meaningful relationship with her two stepsisters after her father married their mother and later adopted them.
But when her stepsister didn't even mention she was getting married and didn't properly involve her or invite her to the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) realized that they were not as close as she once thought.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I skip my sister's wedding because I'm not included in her wedding party?"
The OP had a complicated relationship with her sister, Carly.
"My younger sister, Carly (Female 21), and I are not biologically related."
"My dad married her mother when we were ten and eleven, and later adopted both Carly and our youngest sister. Our youngest sister was only four at the time, so we never had any trouble getting along. My brother and I are biological siblings."
"My dad later adopted both her and our youngest sister. It took us a while to get used to the new dynamic. Regardless, I’ve always thought of her as my sister and feel uncomfortable referring to her as otherwise."
"I think I'm jealous of the relationship she has with our sister. I’ve always kind of felt like Carly doesn’t see me as her sister, and I guess I just bulldozed over that to make myself feel better. But I believe Carly considers our dad to truly be her dad."
"Also, Carly and I live on opposite sides of the country and don’t see each other or talk as much as we used to. We definitely aren’t as close as we were when we lived together, but I was unaware of any animosity."
But the truth of their relationship was coming to light now that Carly was getting married.
"Now, Carly is getting married this December. She and her fiancé have been together for a little over a year."
"A few months ago, my dad texted my brother and me in a group chat, asking if we’d made travel plans for Carly’s wedding."
"I was confused because Carly told me they were waiting until after she graduated from college to get married."
"When I called him, he explained that the wedding was happening this year. Carly had apparently told the rest of our immediate family about six weeks earlier. Parents, siblings, extended family, everyone knew except me. And I didn’t even hear it from her."
"I called her and told her I was happy for her, but my feelings were hurt. She apologized and said she’d been busy and forgot to tell me. I accepted and did my best to move on."
"Carly has always dreamed of getting married, and I’m genuinely happy that she’s getting the wedding she’s always wanted."
Not only did Carly not tell the OP about the wedding, but she also didn't involve her in it.
"Maybe a week later, my dad mentioned that my youngest sister would be Carly’s maid of honor. That made sense; they’ve always been closer, and I’ve spent years in therapy learning to be okay with that dynamic. It still stung a little, but I understood."
"Then I found out I wasn’t in the wedding at all. My brother, my youngest sister, and both of my parents all had roles."
"I wasn’t included in the wedding party, and once again, I found out from my dad instead of Carly."
"I tried calling her for several days and was met with radio silence. A week later, she texted me saying that her bridal party is already picked out, and she was sorry if 'that’s not what you were thinking would happen.'"
"She said I could still come if I wanted to."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted about her relationship with her sister.
"Maybe I made assumptions, but I genuinely thought we were closer than that. Carly and I had difficulties getting along when we were younger, but over the last five or so years, we’ve become closer."
"I know how important this wedding is to her, and to be the only sibling excluded from that really hurt."
"A few days later, she sent me a text, asking if I would be her 'something blue' at the wedding and wear a blue dress."
"I talked to my dad before responding. He had told Carly that either all of her siblings should be included somehow or none of them should be."
"I messaged her back, saying that I appreciated the offer, but I didn’t want her to feel pressured to include me. I was still hurt, but I didn’t want to cause more tension between us by being a stressor in her wedding."
"She told me it was completely her idea, and she’d love it if I would do it."
The OP wasn't sure what to do.
"The problem is, I can’t stop feeling hurt by how all of this happened. Finding out about the engagement late, hearing major wedding updates from other people instead of her, and then not being included while every other sibling is, it’s hard not to take that personally."
"Would I be wrong not to go to the wedding?"
"I’m deeply hurt, but I still love my sister."
"Part of me worries that not going could permanently damage our relationship. Another part of me wonders if the damage is already done. I honestly don’t know what to do."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some couldn't help but side-eye the sister's "invitation" and how she spoke to the OP.
"She’s 21, marrying someone she’s only known for a year, and is acting this weird and immature? Don’t worry about it. Maybe you can go to the next one. NOR." - snackysnack_mixymix
"That 'you can come if you want' is not an invitation. How callous could she possibly be?"
"For some reason, she doesn’t consider you two to be close, and I would not plan to attend." - Shadow4summer
"It sounds like you aren't even invited. Your claims of being close and having resolved old issues aren't tracking with how you are being treated."
"I have this sister, and it took me a long time and counseling to go low to no contact with her despite massive family pressure. But the peace!!"
"This is all on her. Stop trying to be her friend and close, and spend your energy and peace with people who value you."
"It sounds like she is only doing this because of parental pressure, and that won't go well in the long run."
"I'm sorry for this situation. You'll also want to work with a therapist on how to handle the rest of your family." - Open-Trouble-7264
"If it were me, I would plan a vacation around the time of the wedding. Some place really fabulous. Then I would post pictures on social media."
"If Carly really cared about OP attending the wedding, she would have actually communicated with OP from the beginning, including sending OP all the wedding details and an invite."
"The fact that she did not speaks volumes about what she thinks about her relationship with OP." - ImpressionIll2655
"Carly said you could still 'come if you wanted to.'"
"I think there is too much going on now for you to go and have a good time and be happy for her. As sad as it sounds, it sounds like she may not be very hurt if you don’t show up."
"Do what you want to do. She’s made it abundantly clear that there was no urgency to include you, and it sounds like she purposefully tried to go around you."
"If it were me, I would not go. Just to preserve my own mental health. NOR." - Suspicious-lemons
"I’d go to the wedding to be the 'bigger person' and not add any more fuel to the fire."
"However, I wouldn’t wear blue because it’s obvious she did that to appease your dad."
"By going, she looks like the bad person to exclude you. Someone will notice whether they say something or not."
"I definitely wouldn’t bring a gift, though, and I’d plan for another event/trip/activity to go to with this visit to make it worthwhile." - Strong-Conclusion-52
Others urged the OP to let go of what she thought her relationship with her sister was.
"NOR, but I think you need to take this as a sign that your view of your relationship with her is very, very different from how she views it."
"You say that you have done years of therapy trying to work through the dynamics of your sibling relationships… Keep going to therapy! Seriously, you need to work through this with your therapist because there’s a missing piece of the puzzle here. If she had no issues with you, you’d be in the wedding."
"Your relationship with her is obviously dysfunctional. She does not want you to be part of her wedding. And that’s a pretty harsh thing to do when everybody else in the family is playing a role."
"Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would take this as a sign that my relationship with her is a lot more troubled than I realized, but I would put it on the back burner until after her wedding and work on it myself in therapy for now."
"And then a few months after the wedding, ask her if you guys can sit down for a talk. And both of you need to get honest."
"As far as the wedding, I wouldn’t do the something blue; she doesn’t want you to do that. She’s being forced."
"Tell her you’ll attend as a guest. Do that so that you preserve the opportunity to repair the relationship in the future. If you don’t go, it’s gonna make things a lot worse."
"And stop using your dad as an intermediary, it’s very unhealthy. Next time he tries to convey something to you, tell him that you don’t think it’s helping your relationship with her for him to be communicating things rather than you guys communicating directly and ask him not to do it anymore." - EtonRd
"She might be jealous of you. Are you prettier than her? I know that sounds silly…but... It can happen. Especially when someone's getting married." - Strong-Conclusion-52
"It sounds like Carly is jealous that she is Dad’s 'real daughter,' which is why she doesn’t have a problem with the brother."
"OP is daddy’s girl, his princess, all that stuff... Maybe Carly’s father sucked, and she never felt like that, so she takes it out on OP." - Night-at-the-Bronze
"NOR: 'She said I could still come if I wanted to' is NOT the same as 'I'm so sorry I didn't include you in my wedding party.'"
"That's a 'Yeah, I don't care if you even come to my wedding. I didn't care enough to tell you about my wedding.'"
"That's a 'You may think I'm your best friend, but I'm not even a friend. And that bulls**t about including you being my idea? Nope.'"
"You would not be wrong if you have something to do that day." - CatsMom4Ever
"It would be good if you included the context that Carly's mom married your dad when you both were 10 or 11, that he adopted her and her sister, and that it took a long time for the new family dynamic to work. All of that explains what's happening here."
"That comment indicates that you adjusted well to the new family, and Carly didn't. If I had to guess, Carly didn't then, and still doesn't, consider you family. I expect she has some resentment over the whole situation."
"You say Carly and her sister were closer, and you're in therapy to deal with that, and that's a really weird way to put things. Of course, Carly was closer to the sister she knew before you. I don't know whether you're being purposefully manipulative in your post or if you truly are that clueless."
"You're NOR, but it's time to take the blinders off: she doesn't consider you part of her family, and she's definitely not your bestie. It seems your dad is trying to force a happy family on her, and she's bowing to that pressure, but she doesn't think of you as her sister."
"Don't go to the wedding." - Lovethemdoggos
The subReddit was saddened that the OP was so surprised by how this wedding planning was turning out, because it was clear to them that she did not have the friendship and sisterhood with Carly that she thought she had.
It might be time for the OP to treat the wedding like an afterthought, just as Carly seemed to treat her.
