We all know what it feels like to care more about someone than they care about us, especially in our friendships and romantic pursuits.
But the feeling of imbalance especially stings when it's coming from a sibling, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, especially when one was delusional enough to think they were close.
Redditor VegetableRegular1269 always wanted to have a close and meaningful relationship with her two stepsisters after her father married their mother and later adopted them.
But when her stepsister didn't even mention she was getting married and didn't properly involve her or invite her to the wedding, the Original Poster (OP) realized that they were not as close as she once thought.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I skip my sister's wedding because I'm not included in her wedding party?"
The OP had a complicated relationship with her sister, Carly.
"My younger sister, Carly (Female 21), and I are not biologically related."
"My dad married her mother when we were ten and eleven, and later adopted both Carly and our youngest sister. Our youngest sister was only four at the time, so we never had any trouble getting along. My brother and I are biological siblings."
"My dad later adopted both her and our youngest sister. It took us a while to get used to the new dynamic. Regardless, I’ve always thought of her as my sister and feel uncomfortable referring to her as otherwise."
"I think I'm jealous of the relationship she has with our sister. I’ve always kind of felt like Carly doesn’t see me as her sister, and I guess I just bulldozed over that to make myself feel better. But I believe Carly considers our dad to truly be her dad."
"Also, Carly and I live on opposite sides of the country and don’t see each other or talk as much as we used to. We definitely aren’t as close as we were when we lived together, but I was unaware of any animosity."
But the truth of their relationship was coming to light now that Carly was getting married.
"Now, Carly is getting married this December. She and her fiancé have been together for a little over a year."
"A few months ago, my dad texted my brother and me in a group chat, asking if we’d made travel plans for Carly’s wedding."
"I was confused because Carly told me they were waiting until after she graduated from college to get married."
"When I called him, he explained that the wedding was happening this year. Carly had apparently told the rest of our immediate family about six weeks earlier. Parents, siblings, extended family, everyone knew except me. And I didn’t even hear it from her."
"I called her and told her I was happy for her, but my feelings were hurt. She apologized and said she’d been busy and forgot to tell me. I accepted and did my best to move on."
"Carly has always dreamed of getting married, and I’m genuinely happy that she’s getting the wedding she’s always wanted."
Not only did Carly not tell the OP about the wedding, but she also didn't involve her in it.
"Maybe a week later, my dad mentioned that my youngest sister would be Carly’s maid of honor. That made sense; they’ve always been closer, and I’ve spent years in therapy learning to be okay with that dynamic. It still stung a little, but I understood."
"Then I found out I wasn’t in the wedding at all. My brother, my youngest sister, and both of my parents all had roles."
"I wasn’t included in the wedding party, and once again, I found out from my dad instead of Carly."
"I tried calling her for several days and was met with radio silence. A week later, she texted me saying that her bridal party is already picked out, and she was sorry if 'that’s not what you were thinking would happen.'"
"She said I could still come if I wanted to."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted about her relationship with her sister.
"Maybe I made assumptions, but I genuinely thought we were closer than that. Carly and I had difficulties getting along when we were younger, but over the last five or so years, we’ve become closer."
"I know how important this wedding is to her, and to be the only sibling excluded from that really hurt."
"A few days later, she sent me a text, asking if I would be her 'something blue' at the wedding and wear a blue dress."
"I talked to my dad before responding. He had told Carly that either all of her siblings should be included somehow or none of them should be."
"I messaged her back, saying that I appreciated the offer, but I didn’t want her to feel pressured to include me. I was still hurt, but I didn’t want to cause more tension between us by being a stressor in her wedding."
"She told me it was completely her idea, and she’d love it if I would do it."
The OP wasn't sure what to do.
"The problem is, I can’t stop feeling hurt by how all of this happened. Finding out about the engagement late, hearing major wedding updates from other people instead of her, and then not being included while every other sibling is, it’s hard not to take that personally."
"Would I be wrong not to go to the wedding?"
"I’m deeply hurt, but I still love my sister."
"Part of me worries that not going could permanently damage our relationship. Another part of me wonders if the damage is already done. I honestly don’t know what to do."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some couldn't help but side-eye the sister's "invitation" and how she spoke to the OP.
"She’s 21, marrying someone she’s only known for a year, and is acting this weird and immature? Don’t worry about it. Maybe you can go to the next one. NOR." - snackysnack_mixymix
"That 'you can come if you want' is not an invitation. How callous could she possibly be?"
"For some reason, she doesn’t consider you two to be close, and I would not plan to attend." - Shadow4summer
"It sounds like you aren't even invited. Your claims of being close and having resolved old issues aren't tracking with how you are being treated."
"I have this sister, and it took me a long time and counseling to go low to no contact with her despite massive family pressure. But the peace!!"
"This is all on her. Stop trying to be her friend and close, and spend your energy and peace with people who value you."
"It sounds like she is only doing this because of parental pressure, and that won't go well in the long run."
"I'm sorry for this situation. You'll also want to work with a therapist on how to handle the rest of your family." - Open-Trouble-7264
"If it were me, I would plan a vacation around the time of the wedding. Some place really fabulous. Then I would post pictures on social media."
"If Carly really cared about OP attending the wedding, she would have actually communicated with OP from the beginning, including sending OP all the wedding details and an invite."
"The fact that she did not speaks volumes about what she thinks about her relationship with OP." - ImpressionIll2655
"Carly said you could still 'come if you wanted to.'"
"I think there is too much going on now for you to go and have a good time and be happy for her. As sad as it sounds, it sounds like she may not be very hurt if you don’t show up."
"Do what you want to do. She’s made it abundantly clear that there was no urgency to include you, and it sounds like she purposefully tried to go around you."
"If it were me, I would not go. Just to preserve my own mental health. NOR." - Suspicious-lemons
"I’d go to the wedding to be the 'bigger person' and not add any more fuel to the fire."
"However, I wouldn’t wear blue because it’s obvious she did that to appease your dad."
"By going, she looks like the bad person to exclude you. Someone will notice whether they say something or not."
"I definitely wouldn’t bring a gift, though, and I’d plan for another event/trip/activity to go to with this visit to make it worthwhile." - Strong-Conclusion-52
Others urged the OP to let go of what she thought her relationship with her sister was.
"NOR, but I think you need to take this as a sign that your view of your relationship with her is very, very different from how she views it."
"You say that you have done years of therapy trying to work through the dynamics of your sibling relationships… Keep going to therapy! Seriously, you need to work through this with your therapist because there’s a missing piece of the puzzle here. If she had no issues with you, you’d be in the wedding."
"Your relationship with her is obviously dysfunctional. She does not want you to be part of her wedding. And that’s a pretty harsh thing to do when everybody else in the family is playing a role."
"Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would take this as a sign that my relationship with her is a lot more troubled than I realized, but I would put it on the back burner until after her wedding and work on it myself in therapy for now."
"And then a few months after the wedding, ask her if you guys can sit down for a talk. And both of you need to get honest."
"As far as the wedding, I wouldn’t do the something blue; she doesn’t want you to do that. She’s being forced."
"Tell her you’ll attend as a guest. Do that so that you preserve the opportunity to repair the relationship in the future. If you don’t go, it’s gonna make things a lot worse."
"And stop using your dad as an intermediary, it’s very unhealthy. Next time he tries to convey something to you, tell him that you don’t think it’s helping your relationship with her for him to be communicating things rather than you guys communicating directly and ask him not to do it anymore." - EtonRd
"She might be jealous of you. Are you prettier than her? I know that sounds silly…but... It can happen. Especially when someone's getting married." - Strong-Conclusion-52
"It sounds like Carly is jealous that she is Dad’s 'real daughter,' which is why she doesn’t have a problem with the brother."
"OP is daddy’s girl, his princess, all that stuff... Maybe Carly’s father sucked, and she never felt like that, so she takes it out on OP." - Night-at-the-Bronze
"NOR: 'She said I could still come if I wanted to' is NOT the same as 'I'm so sorry I didn't include you in my wedding party.'"
"That's a 'Yeah, I don't care if you even come to my wedding. I didn't care enough to tell you about my wedding.'"
"That's a 'You may think I'm your best friend, but I'm not even a friend. And that bulls**t about including you being my idea? Nope.'"
"You would not be wrong if you have something to do that day." - CatsMom4Ever
"It would be good if you included the context that Carly's mom married your dad when you both were 10 or 11, that he adopted her and her sister, and that it took a long time for the new family dynamic to work. All of that explains what's happening here."
"That comment indicates that you adjusted well to the new family, and Carly didn't. If I had to guess, Carly didn't then, and still doesn't, consider you family. I expect she has some resentment over the whole situation."
"You say Carly and her sister were closer, and you're in therapy to deal with that, and that's a really weird way to put things. Of course, Carly was closer to the sister she knew before you. I don't know whether you're being purposefully manipulative in your post or if you truly are that clueless."
"You're NOR, but it's time to take the blinders off: she doesn't consider you part of her family, and she's definitely not your bestie. It seems your dad is trying to force a happy family on her, and she's bowing to that pressure, but she doesn't think of you as her sister."
"Don't go to the wedding." - Lovethemdoggos
The subReddit was saddened that the OP was so surprised by how this wedding planning was turning out, because it was clear to them that she did not have the friendship and sisterhood with Carly that she thought she had.
It might be time for the OP to treat the wedding like an afterthought, just as Carly seemed to treat her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp