No matter where we live, it's fair to say that we all desire personal space, including a sleeping space and certain items that are entirely our own, no sharing required.
From toothbrushes to personal towels and bedding, some things just shouldn't be shared, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, and moving out might be the only solution if someone can't respect that boundary.
Redditor myanonacct00 was still living at home at 30 years old, and that had been fine until about a year ago when his mother started dating a guy who showed no respect for boundaries or personal space.
When the boyfriend kept letting himself into his room and using his bathroom and towels, the Original Poster (OP) installed a lock on his door, only for his entire family to shame him and call him 'territorial' against the boyfriend.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by putting a lock on my bedroom door because my mom's boyfriend doesn't understand boundaries?"
The OP stayed out of the way when his mother's boyfriend visited.
"I (30 Male) know everyone’s gonna get hung up on the fact that I live with my mom, so just get that out of your system now."
"I live with my mom. I pay rent every month. It’s cheaper than throwing money away on an apartment just because society thinks you’re supposed to move out by a certain age. Anyways."
"My mom’s been dating this guy for about eight months now, and he’s over here basically every day."
"We don’t really interact. I mostly keep to myself in my room on my PC."
But his mother's boyfriend didn't respect boundaries or personal space.
"A couple of weeks ago, I grabbed my towel after my shower, and it was already damp. I figured maybe I was just remembering wrong or something."
"Then it happened again. This time it smelled like his Old Spice body wash. Like, it was REALLY obvious."
"I asked my mom if she’d used my bathroom, and she was like, 'Oh no, it was probably Steve. The hallway bathroom was occupied.'"
"So later, I asked him, and he literally just laughed and went, 'Yeah man, hope that’s cool.'"
"Uh… no? It's not?"
"Who just uses another guy’s towel? I'm genuinely asking, because I thought this was one of those things everyone knew not to do."
"I told him not to use my bathroom anymore. He kept saying, 'It’s just a towel,' over and over like that somehow made it normal."
When he realized the boyfriend wouldn't listen to his boundaries, the OP did something about it.
"So, I went and bought a locking doorknob for my bedroom because my bathroom is attached to it."
"If somebody thinks using my towel without asking is acceptable, I honestly don’t know what else they think is fair game."
"Today, it’s my towel; tomorrow it’s my PC or my headset or whatever. I don't want all that in my room."
The family was against the OP having a lock on his door.
"My mom found out because she couldn’t get into my room one day, and now, she’s saying I’m making the house awkward and treating her boyfriend like he’s a criminal."
"He also made some comment about me being 'territorial.'"
"I mean… yeah? I kinda am when it comes to my personal space."
"My sister says I need to 'chill the f**k out.'"
"I don’t agree. To me, it’s not even about the towel; it’s the fact that someone thought they could just help themselves to my stuff without even asking."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he was NOR and pointed out that his mom shouldn't be coming into his room, either.
"This might be a good conversation to start with your mother: 'Why were YOU trying to get into my room?'"
"I mean, you pay rent. You can expect a degree of privacy. It is the only 'territory' you have."
"If that is not available, then you have to find other accommodations, but you are doing nothing to the 'awkwardness' of the house."
"Leave your doorknob alone, and they will never have to feel awkward or criminal or anything."
"NOR." - sitnquiet
"NOR, using ANYONE'S towel is weird. Disgusting. Them joking about it is even weirder. Your mom being upset about you wanting privacy? Extremely creepy." - Mountain-Series4035
"I don't even like it when my husband uses my towel. Like, he can use it if he wants, but be sure to replace it with a new towel when you're done."
"Who the f**k wants to use a wet towel?"
"Also, I specifically wipe my face on a specific end of the towel, and he doesnt. He's just chaos, and clean or not, I don't want to wipe my face on a towel that just wiped his a** Who wants that?" - SnooRabbits302
"NOR. He was going through your room, showering in your bathroom, and using your towel? That's wild."
"And your mom has only been with him for eight months? That would be weird even if you were close to him, but only eight months in, that's wildly entitled and territorial behavior." - Jaded_Pea_3697
"NOR. Ew. What kind of animal just goes through someone’s room to use their bathroom and towels? I bet he’s the one who’s trying to mark his territory and get you to move out." - DetectiveClear6734
"His mother was in his room because, probably like mine, you can't pay her enough for her to leave your belongings alone."
"So I fixed that by moving alone to have peace, quiet, and privacy."
"And even my landlord/maintenance man in my building had enough sense to only come into my apartment when I answered and coordinated times with him. Sometimes I was there, sometimes I wasn't. But I never had to worry about someone just walking in and going through my stuff."
"My mother thought, because she was my mother and I lived with her, that it gave her full range to go through my stuff."
"Now she can't fathom why all her children live hours away, don't leave her unattended in their homes, and one (me, I'm the one) soon will live with the Atlantic Ocean in between us."
"I also think OP is NOR. Leave the lock because people who aren't being nosy or criminal don't worry about someone having a lock on a door to a room that contains the things they paid for. They understand they want their stuff untouched/used/unaltered." - Icy-Hot-Voyageur
Others advised the OP that it was time to move out.
"NOR, but buddy, this is why people 'waste money' on rent. Independence, privacy, and having ownership of more than one room in an entire space is not a waste at all." - swishcandot
"It’s time to move out. You’re paying rent and got somebody using your towel and bathroom. It appears no one expects your privacy or even respects you."
"Don’t explain yourself anymore. Just move out. And no, your sister can't come with you." - Unlikely_Wing2966
"One reason why people move out, other than 'society,' is because their parents don't treat their bedrooms as their private spaces. The parents still treat their adult son's bedroom the same way they did when he was a minor."
"This is the problem you are having with your mother at the moment, and you may have to move out to fix it." - Monday0987
"NOR. If you're paying rent to stay there, you should rightfully be allowed to put a lock on your door and ensure no one else is going in there."
"But if they refuse to respect that and the whole family is making you the problem, you're better off putting your rent money into rent elsewhere. If they try to snoop when they visit you, if they visit you, it'll be much easier to hold up the mirror and convince them they are the problem." - abiglumpwithlumps1
"Your mother's boyfriend is creepy as f**k, and it's alarming that your mother doesn't see this."
"She's putting this man over her own son, which is just pathetic, although I'm betting it's not the first time."
"I also just love how they're calling you territorial when you asked nicely first for your boundaries to be respected. Trying to barge into your room and complaining that they can't, and calling you territorial for respecting your own space, is what's actually territorial here."
"Move out and start your own life. As long as she dates this guy, they'll treat you like a marionette." - aquamarine1029
"NOR. Sharing someone’s towel is disgusting. Married for over 30 years, and that is a hard no."
"Now, you are a grown man who is paying rent. That makes you a tenant. This means you have every right to your privacy."
"I can’t blame you for putting a lock on your door. I would make sure it is not one easy to tamper with."
"Anyone, especially a grown adult who thinks it’s okay to use someone else’s towel is just nasty. They have issues. The fact that your mom doesn’t have a problem with it just means he hasn’t used hers yet, or she might be dismissing it because of intimacy, though she shouldn't expect you to have the same level of boundaries."
"Keep your distance, and keep anything valuable or important to keep under lock and key. This guy has issues."
"I also understand that you think that paying rent elsewhere would be a waste, but it wouldn't be, especially with a guy like this in the picture and your mom and sister both enabling him. Protect and pay for your peace." - Top_Philosopher1809
The subReddit was thoroughly grossed out on the OP's behalf, and while they understood him still living at home, they urged him to see this as a sign to move out and have a place of his own.
Clearly, the boyfriend would continue dismissing the OP's concerns, and since the OP's mother and sister were on the boyfriend's side, the OP was better off being somewhere he could call his own, no individual door locks or shared towels required.
