No matter where we live, it's fair to say that we all desire personal space, including a sleeping space and certain items that are entirely our own, no sharing required.
From toothbrushes to personal towels and bedding, some things just shouldn't be shared, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, and moving out might be the only solution if someone can't respect that boundary.
Redditor myanonacct00 was still living at home at 30 years old, and that had been fine until about a year ago when his mother started dating a guy who showed no respect for boundaries or personal space.
When the boyfriend kept letting himself into his room and using his bathroom and towels, the Original Poster (OP) installed a lock on his door, only for his entire family to shame him and call him 'territorial' against the boyfriend.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by putting a lock on my bedroom door because my mom's boyfriend doesn't understand boundaries?"
The OP stayed out of the way when his mother's boyfriend visited.
"I (30 Male) know everyone’s gonna get hung up on the fact that I live with my mom, so just get that out of your system now."
"I live with my mom. I pay rent every month. It’s cheaper than throwing money away on an apartment just because society thinks you’re supposed to move out by a certain age. Anyways."
"My mom’s been dating this guy for about eight months now, and he’s over here basically every day."
"We don’t really interact. I mostly keep to myself in my room on my PC."
But his mother's boyfriend didn't respect boundaries or personal space.
"A couple of weeks ago, I grabbed my towel after my shower, and it was already damp. I figured maybe I was just remembering wrong or something."
"Then it happened again. This time it smelled like his Old Spice body wash. Like, it was REALLY obvious."
"I asked my mom if she’d used my bathroom, and she was like, 'Oh no, it was probably Steve. The hallway bathroom was occupied.'"
"So later, I asked him, and he literally just laughed and went, 'Yeah man, hope that’s cool.'"
"Uh… no? It's not?"
"Who just uses another guy’s towel? I'm genuinely asking, because I thought this was one of those things everyone knew not to do."
"I told him not to use my bathroom anymore. He kept saying, 'It’s just a towel,' over and over like that somehow made it normal."
When he realized the boyfriend wouldn't listen to his boundaries, the OP did something about it.
"So, I went and bought a locking doorknob for my bedroom because my bathroom is attached to it."
"If somebody thinks using my towel without asking is acceptable, I honestly don’t know what else they think is fair game."
"Today, it’s my towel; tomorrow it’s my PC or my headset or whatever. I don't want all that in my room."
The family was against the OP having a lock on his door.
"My mom found out because she couldn’t get into my room one day, and now, she’s saying I’m making the house awkward and treating her boyfriend like he’s a criminal."
"He also made some comment about me being 'territorial.'"
"I mean… yeah? I kinda am when it comes to my personal space."
"My sister says I need to 'chill the f**k out.'"
"I don’t agree. To me, it’s not even about the towel; it’s the fact that someone thought they could just help themselves to my stuff without even asking."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he was NOR and pointed out that his mom shouldn't be coming into his room, either.
"This might be a good conversation to start with your mother: 'Why were YOU trying to get into my room?'"
"I mean, you pay rent. You can expect a degree of privacy. It is the only 'territory' you have."
"If that is not available, then you have to find other accommodations, but you are doing nothing to the 'awkwardness' of the house."
"Leave your doorknob alone, and they will never have to feel awkward or criminal or anything."
"NOR." - sitnquiet
"NOR, using ANYONE'S towel is weird. Disgusting. Them joking about it is even weirder. Your mom being upset about you wanting privacy? Extremely creepy." - Mountain-Series4035
"I don't even like it when my husband uses my towel. Like, he can use it if he wants, but be sure to replace it with a new towel when you're done."
"Who the f**k wants to use a wet towel?"
"Also, I specifically wipe my face on a specific end of the towel, and he doesnt. He's just chaos, and clean or not, I don't want to wipe my face on a towel that just wiped his a** Who wants that?" - SnooRabbits302
"NOR. He was going through your room, showering in your bathroom, and using your towel? That's wild."
"And your mom has only been with him for eight months? That would be weird even if you were close to him, but only eight months in, that's wildly entitled and territorial behavior." - Jaded_Pea_3697
"NOR. Ew. What kind of animal just goes through someone’s room to use their bathroom and towels? I bet he’s the one who’s trying to mark his territory and get you to move out." - DetectiveClear6734
"His mother was in his room because, probably like mine, you can't pay her enough for her to leave your belongings alone."
"So I fixed that by moving alone to have peace, quiet, and privacy."
"And even my landlord/maintenance man in my building had enough sense to only come into my apartment when I answered and coordinated times with him. Sometimes I was there, sometimes I wasn't. But I never had to worry about someone just walking in and going through my stuff."
"My mother thought, because she was my mother and I lived with her, that it gave her full range to go through my stuff."
"Now she can't fathom why all her children live hours away, don't leave her unattended in their homes, and one (me, I'm the one) soon will live with the Atlantic Ocean in between us."
"I also think OP is NOR. Leave the lock because people who aren't being nosy or criminal don't worry about someone having a lock on a door to a room that contains the things they paid for. They understand they want their stuff untouched/used/unaltered." - Icy-Hot-Voyageur
Others advised the OP that it was time to move out.
"NOR, but buddy, this is why people 'waste money' on rent. Independence, privacy, and having ownership of more than one room in an entire space is not a waste at all." - swishcandot
"It’s time to move out. You’re paying rent and got somebody using your towel and bathroom. It appears no one expects your privacy or even respects you."
"Don’t explain yourself anymore. Just move out. And no, your sister can't come with you." - Unlikely_Wing2966
"One reason why people move out, other than 'society,' is because their parents don't treat their bedrooms as their private spaces. The parents still treat their adult son's bedroom the same way they did when he was a minor."
"This is the problem you are having with your mother at the moment, and you may have to move out to fix it." - Monday0987
"NOR. If you're paying rent to stay there, you should rightfully be allowed to put a lock on your door and ensure no one else is going in there."
"But if they refuse to respect that and the whole family is making you the problem, you're better off putting your rent money into rent elsewhere. If they try to snoop when they visit you, if they visit you, it'll be much easier to hold up the mirror and convince them they are the problem." - abiglumpwithlumps1
"Your mother's boyfriend is creepy as f**k, and it's alarming that your mother doesn't see this."
"She's putting this man over her own son, which is just pathetic, although I'm betting it's not the first time."
"I also just love how they're calling you territorial when you asked nicely first for your boundaries to be respected. Trying to barge into your room and complaining that they can't, and calling you territorial for respecting your own space, is what's actually territorial here."
"Move out and start your own life. As long as she dates this guy, they'll treat you like a marionette." - aquamarine1029
"NOR. Sharing someone’s towel is disgusting. Married for over 30 years, and that is a hard no."
"Now, you are a grown man who is paying rent. That makes you a tenant. This means you have every right to your privacy."
"I can’t blame you for putting a lock on your door. I would make sure it is not one easy to tamper with."
"Anyone, especially a grown adult who thinks it’s okay to use someone else’s towel is just nasty. They have issues. The fact that your mom doesn’t have a problem with it just means he hasn’t used hers yet, or she might be dismissing it because of intimacy, though she shouldn't expect you to have the same level of boundaries."
"Keep your distance, and keep anything valuable or important to keep under lock and key. This guy has issues."
"I also understand that you think that paying rent elsewhere would be a waste, but it wouldn't be, especially with a guy like this in the picture and your mom and sister both enabling him. Protect and pay for your peace." - Top_Philosopher1809
The subReddit was thoroughly grossed out on the OP's behalf, and while they understood him still living at home, they urged him to see this as a sign to move out and have a place of his own.
Clearly, the boyfriend would continue dismissing the OP's concerns, and since the OP's mother and sister were on the boyfriend's side, the OP was better off being somewhere he could call his own, no individual door locks or shared towels required.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp