Weddings generally are planned months, if not even years, in advance, because a lot of details go into the planning, some venues have very long waiting lists, and of course, the bride and groom want to give their loved ones plenty of notice so that they can attend.
Changing the wedding date at the last minute sounds like a disaster, not just plan-wise but for the guests, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor vladtheimpaler82 had RSVPed 'yes' to a casual friend's three-day wedding experience months ago, with the intent of taking a trip with their wife immediately after for her birthday.
When the wedding party changed the date of the wedding less than a week before the event, the Original Poster (OP) suddenly had to choose between the wedding's new date and the trip they'd already planned and paid for.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to attend a good friend's wedding after they changed the dates less than six days before?"
The OP had RSVPed "yes" to attending a friend's wedding.
"My wife’s good friend got engaged about 5 months ago, and they sent out wedding invitations 3 months ago."
"The original wedding invitations said we could bring our baby, as well."
"It's not a traditional 'American wedding,' and there will be no bar, no photo booth, no fancy DJ, no expensive decor, nothing like that."
"The bride and her family are conservative Pakistani Muslims. Part of the wedding is at a mosque, part of the wedding is at their house, and the main event and reception are at an ethnic restaurant/wedding hall run by a family friend."
"The wedding is supposed to last three days, and right after the last day is my wife’s birthday."
"I had planned a four-day trip to San Diego to take my wife to visit a few of her favourite places."
When the wedding date was changed at the last minute, the OP's plans overlapped.
"Yesterday, this friend’s mother texted my wife, advising that they suddenly changed the dates by two days forward, and the wedding now falls during the trip I planned. She also told my wife we can no longer bring our baby."
"My wife’s friend is 28 years old. She doesn’t have a job, education, or driver’s license. She started out as a friend of a friend, but we used her to babysit our baby, and she’s been wonderful at that. That’s why we are so confused about why we can no longer bring our child."
"The problem is, I already paid for our San Diego hotel, and we don’t have childcare because both of our parents are unavailable. We both told the friend’s mother that we can no longer make the wedding."
"The friend and the mom are very upset and saying things like they thought my wife was her 'best friend forever' and that if they were truly friends, my wife should adjust our trip, skip her own birthday, and pay for our own childcare."
"Ironically enough, she’s been divorced once because the ex-husband felt her mom was way too overbearing. It is cultural that mom is so involved, but we obviously don’t live in their country of origin, and the kids didn’t grow up there, either."
The OP didn't feel obligated to accommodate the new wedding plans.
"Also, this friend is horrifically bad at planning. My wife had to plan her bachelorette party and paid for it because she let everything slip through the cracks."
"I feel like I’m in the right to refuse to accommodate her poor planning. My wife feels similar. Who is right?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they didn't have to attend the wedding for one day, three days, or at all.
"NTA. It's a wedding invite, not a court summons. Tell her you'll come to the next wedding." - Designer_Thought2907
"NTA. You have an obligation to attend the event you RSVPed 'yes' to. This is not that event." - Wild-Association1680
"NTA. An invitation is not a summons. They changed the date last minute. They should expect that some people may be unable to attend."
"The trip and hotel's already booked. Just go and enjoy a birthday vacation..." - blackvie
"NTA. 'Our travel arrangements and hotel are paid for as per your original wedding plans. We cannot change anything without incurring financial penalties we cannot afford and losing vacation time. Sorry we'll be missing your special day. Congrats and best wishes.'" - pangalacticcourier
"When my husband's mother got married, for a third time, mind you, she had her then-fiancé call us a WEEK before and let us know we could no longer bring our seven-month-old to any of the wedding festivities."
"We were flying in from out of town and were expected to leave him with a sitter at the hotel during all festivities. She wanted everything to be perfect."
"No way were we leaving our child with a stranger in a strange place! Instead, my parents watched him while we were gone."
"Of course, she was angry we didn't bring 'her only grandchild' so she could see him. Like, seriously? You can't have it both ways."
"People do make changes last minute, and in my opinion, they're id**ts to think that everyone can change their plans, too, on the flip of a dime. Had my parents not been available, we would've skipped."
"NTA. Enjoy your wife's birthday! Her supposed 'best friend' didn't even mention it, did she?" - Frog-Chowder
"They have an obligation to stick to what THEY told all of the people THEY invited, not change it on short notice (for a wedding, even three months would be short notice), as well as an obligation to understand that changing things less than a week out is going to mean some can't come, at least not for the full event."
"OP, neither of you should feel bad. Don't allow yourselves to. This may be the end of your wife's friendship, and that's not a bad thing. Enjoy the extended birthday trip you now have."
"Tell the bride and her mom that they're the ones that changed plans drastically with short notice. You cannot and will not change your plans. If they cannot respect that, it's their problem."
"Enjoy your trip." - Nymph-the-scribe
"NTA. Changing the date at the last minute and then acting surprised that people can't make it is a d**k move."
"Also, I'm childfree and hate listening to babies cry at weddings, and even I understand that when you make your wedding childfree, you are accepting that not everyone will be able to come. Suddenly changing an event from children welcome to childfree is a d**k move, too."
"I hope that when the stress of the wedding is over, your wife's friend comes to her senses and apologizes profusely for being so s**tty to your wife." - oceanteeth
Others clocked the mother of the bride as being at least part of the problem.
"NTA. You planned to attend, but the bride changed the date AND the terms. Don’t feel bad. The bride & her mother sound ridiculous." - Take-that-1913
"I think the bride's mother can control her daughter and all her family members. But she wants to control the guests, too? Eff off with that bull."
"What if you weren’t going on vacation, but had to get back for work? 'Oh, just change your schedule.'"
"You are not the only ones who are not going. You are not the only ones who will get guilt-tripped."
"But you are the only ones who get to decide how to spend your own time and money." - Bitter-Respond6928
"I mean, OBVIOUSLY NTA."
"Why would a bride not check to see if her 'best friend' could still attend? Why exclude the baby?"
"Why isn't the 'best friend' involved in the planning, especially since she had to plan the bachelorette party?"
"What in the actual f**k are the logistics that make moving a wedding at the last second reasonable?"
"None of this makes any sense whatsoever. I wouldn't attend a minute of it." - W0nderingMe
"Hahahhahaah, NTA. This girl and her mom are delusional, and I expect you aren't the only ones bailing."
"Enjoy your family vacation free of the drama from this catastrophe of a wedding." - jiffyfly6
"NTA, and this is not a friend. Friends would understand that their last-minute change makes this impossible for your family. They changed the date last minute. It’s their issue and no one else’s." - Mission_Breakfast548
"If she really sees your wife as her best friend, shouldn't the bride be calling her BFF about the change in dates?"
"Nothing like being entitled to people's time."
"Momzilla has spoken, so everyone must appear without any regard for people's jobs, accommodations, or life!" - NextSplit2683
"NTA. The a**hole is the person who changed the date. Your wife should understand this like everyone else."
"Unless your wife wants to sacrifice all her birthday plans, tell her to forget it. If she wants to attend the wedding as her birthday gift, problem solved, but I don't think that sounds great."
"Happy wedding and happy birthday!! IF I were your wife, I would enjoy my gift and not attend the wedding." - Warrior_Princess_1
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thanks, everyone, for the feedback."
"We ended up compromising and attended the first day of wedding festivities today. We aren’t attending the rest of their celebration."
"This way, we can still go on our trip to San Diego."
"The bride's mom was very disappointed, but the friend was accepting of the fact that we came to one out of the three days."
"I told my wife it’s her friend, so she made the decision. But if her friend/friend’s mom is still sour about this later on, it’s probably not a friendship worth maintaining."
The subReddit struggled to understand how the wedding date could be shifted so last-minute, and yet the bride and her mother still expected everyone to attend as if nothing had changed.
The OP and their wife did the right thing by still appearing, since they said they would, but they had other places to be, and the people behind the wedding plans needed to be more understanding of that.
