Making plans with a large group of people, or even a small group for that matter, is always a challenge.
Finding a time and place that is convenient for everyone is never as easy as one hopes.
If anything is more frustrating than finding a mutually convenient time, it's when someone throws a last-minute hurdle into the ring.
Even more frustrating is when the same person does this over and over.
Redditor Pure-Comfort-44 was lucky that they had a very happy, healthy relationship with their in-laws and frequently joined them at family gatherings.
Unfortunately, one member of that family constantly complicated making these get-togethers happen.
When this family member did this before a recent gathering, the OP was less than willing to take this change sitting down.
Fearing they may have crossed a line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not allowing sister in law control my free time?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to put their sister-in-law (SIL) in her place:
"AITA for not giving in to my controlling sister-in-law?"
"8 years ago I married into a wonderful family."
"My husband has 1 brother and 2 sisters."
"We are all married so the 8 of us meet about twice a month to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries etc."
"The planning consists of 1 of us throwing out some dates and times to meet."
"We decide on a time that works for everyone (consensus)."
"Without fail, every single time, my sister-in-law calls and changes the time we are going to meet (and sometimes the location) - on the day of the event."
"This causes the 6 of us to have to scramble to change other plans we had that day - to accommodate her."
"We all work - she is retired."
"These people have allowed her to do this for 20 years."
"And everyone gets mad, but they grudgingly change the event time to appease her."
"This drives me crazy!"
"The kicker is after we have rearranged our schedules in order to accommodate her, she still always shows up late."
"Her lack of respect for people's time is amazing."
"Tired of allowing her to control my free time, I sent out a group text highlighting how busy everyone is...and suggesting perhaps we should uncomplicate everyone's schedules when we plan to get together - and stick to the original agreed-upon time."
"Everyone agreed to do this, citing how aggravating her time change requests are."
"But I wonder if they are going to follow through and deny her next time change request?"
"Am I the a**hole because I refuse to let her to dictate what I do in my free time?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for refusing to give in to her SIL's last-minute changes.
Just about everyone believed that the OP's SIL needed to be put in her place and learn that the world doesn't revolve around her:
"NTA."
"And next time she changes things, send your regrets."
"Your availability was based on the original date/time."
"The change she unilaterally made now clashes with other unmovable plans."
"And it's none of her business what those plans are."
"Do not jade."
"'Oh dear, that new time won't work for us. Sorry to miss you, we'll see you another time'."- Current_Brief_688
"NTA."
"SIL changing plans every single time and consistently showing up late, suggests this is more of a control issue."
"Your hubs family is probably relieved you stepped in to deal with it!"- Vera_Telco
"NTA."
"When (not if) she tries to change the plans on the day of, make sure to let her know you can’t change to what she wants because it won’t work with your schedule."
"Send your regrets that she can’t make it and tell her she should be the one to suggest the particulars of the next event so she will definitely be able to go."
"Be firm, never rude or mean, just 'Aw, what a bummer!'”
"EVERY time."
"Give the other members of the crew a pep talk to make sure they don’t give in either."
"Jump into the conversation or group text before any of them can bend to her demands."
"She’ll probably throw a fit, but that’s her problem."- TheRoadkillRapunzel
"The second she posts trying to make a change, reply with 'that's not going to work. Let's just stick to the original plan'."
"NTA."- Mrs_Weaver
"Stop bending for her."
"NTA."- Super-Staff3820
"NTA."
"Keep planning as always."
"When she pulls her crap, have EVERYONE respond 'Sorry you can't make it, we look forward to seeing you next time!'"
"Then go enjoy yourselves and don't respond as she blows your phones up."- Wonderful_Two_6710
"NTA."
"I call this behavior 'tap dancing', as in 'my old friend Crystal used to do all sorts of last-minute tap dancing with plans just like your sister-in-law does'."
"Crystal would change the guest list, menu, location, tons of details- all at the last minute."
"Drove me nuts."
"As many others have mentioned, this behavior has been unaddressed for a while."
"But it would be smart to poll the room and name the behavior."
"'Hey everyone, what do you think about Retired SIL's tap dancing behavior? You know, the constant last-minute changes to plans? Because it's really hard for me to accommodate and I'm thinking next time she does it I'm not going along with it. Just a heads up. Love seeing her! Love seeing you! Don't love the tap dancing'."
"I bet you'll find some support, especially if you stand up for yourself in a polite way."- 2kyle2furious
"NTA."
"If the schedule sticks then go, don’t go if she changes it."- julesk
"NTA."
"She’s insufferable."- Inner_peas2021
"NTA."
"Don't agree to the changed time and place, say it doesn't work for you but you will still be going to the original place at the original time for whoever wants to join."
"Keep doing it until they all stop being spineless."- Jealous-Contract7426
"NTA, but like, also YTA to yourself."
"You have two options, depending on how much these gatherings mean to you."
"Suck it up and accommodate her and accept that you’ll be doing it as long as the gatherings happen."
"If you choose this option, you need to actually commit 100%."
"Decide for yourself that you value family and these gatherings and that you love your SIL and the rest of the family in spite of her flaws, so you’re willing to accommodate whatever issues she has in order to spend time with the family."
"The trick is actually internalizing that and not just rolling your eyes and getting annoyed, while saying, 'Well, what do you expect from that?'”
"Stop accommodating her."
"The downside is that the other couple might still do it…or even your husband."
"Or they might also be exasperated and follow your lead."
"When she asks, check your calendar and say, 'That won’t work for me. I’ve made another commitment.”
"Then next date, 'Unfortunately, that won’t work either'.”
"Then say, 'I don’t think we can really change it at this point, but don’t worry about us if you have other commitments. We’ll just have even more to talk about next time'.”
"It’s possible the other couple will go with her, but they might stick with you, too."
"Also, tell your husband about these 'plans' in advance."- valleyofsound
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, only because they felt they should have called their SIL out sooner, or could have called her out a bit more diplomatically:
"ESH, quite frankly."
"Because, yes she's hideously inconsiderate, but you lot are letting her do it."
"For 20 years she's pulled this stunt before every event, twice a month?"
"Even after being part of the initial planning?"
"And in all that time nobody in this large group has ever made a peep to her or anyone else about it being inconvenient for them, or suggested any kind of workaround?"
"They just go with whatever SIL says on the day of?"
"I'm trying to process this level of doormattery, and failing badly."- Shoereader
"Instead of being passive-agressive about it, the siblings need to sit down with each other, and explain to her that this no longer works for them."
"'Back when we were young, single, and child-free, we had a lot more flexibility. Going forward, when we make plans we're going to stick to them, and anyone who cannot come due to whatever last-minute situation arises will be missed.'"
"No need to get in her face, make accusations, etc."
"Just clear, direct communication."
"ESH (a little bit, for letting this go on so long)."- OfAnOldRepublic
Sometimes life brings unexpected challenges that force us to cancel or change plans at the last minute.
The fact that the OP's SIL seems to cancel plans at the last minute like clockwork, however, suggests this isn't due to force majeure, but simply her own preference.
It seems like it's well past time she learned that she can't, and won't, always be accommodated.
