Weddings can be a blast. The music, the dancing, the cake... all ingredients for great memories.
But for some people, weddings can be a bit much.
Weddings are often a big, public event, and not everybody feels at ease during big events.
That's why a plus one is helpful.
But plus ones are not always an option.
Redditor klay-stan wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA If I change my Wedding RSVP after having a plus one rescinded?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have a friend from college who is getting married in 2 1/2 weeks."
"I got the invitation for the wedding a week ago, and the invite had a QR code that brought you to their wedding website on The Knot."
"The wedding is on a Friday, and it is very last minute."
"I will have to take time off of work to attend."
"I am friends with the bride from college, and we have one mutual friend who is also invited."
"The mutual friend that we share, however, cannot attend the wedding so I will not know anyone at the event besides the bride."
"When I went to RSVP on the knot, it gave me the option to add a plus one."
"I have never seen this option before without having a plus one invited, so I assumed I was allowed a plus one."
"I am not in a long-term relationship, but because I won't know anyone at the wedding, I asked my friend to attend with me and added her to my RSVP."
"A few days later, I got a text from the bride saying that I don't have a plus one, that I shouldn't have added my friend, and that I cannot bring her."
"She said she still wants me to attend and that I can make friends with the other guests at the wedding even though I don't know anyone."
"I'm guessing the bride and groom gave me the plus one by mistake but she didn't say so or apologize for the confusion, just told me that I shouldn't have added anyone."
"I am very socially anxious and am now very nervous about attending the wedding on my own."
"I get very uncomfortable in situations where I don't know anyone, and now I don't really want to use my P[aid] T[ime] O[ff] to attend a last-minute wedding where I'm not going to know anyone."
"I feel trapped because I did technically say I was free when I RSVPd yes, but it was contingent on being able to bring a guest to keep me company."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA if I change my RSVP to no since I won't know anyone at the event?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You can absolutely change your mind. Frankly, the lateness of the invite heavily implies that you are a seat filler for others who either canceled or said no."
"It's likely, however, that your relationship with your friend will never (fully) recover - considering you were not a first choice I doubt this will have much impact on your life going forward. NTA." ~ East_Parking8340
"100%. Like no thanks."
"OP stay at home, you don't need the stress of getting to know strangers for a whole day/night." ~ PrincessCG
"100% this. My wife and I got invited to a wedding the week before it was taking place."
"We knew it was likely we were asked to fill seats."
"So we declined, as the late notice gave us no time to prepare."
"Haven't spoken to them since." ~ Realistic-Drama8463
"My entire family got invited to the wedding of a family friend."
"The kid getting married I used to babysit for but lost touch after I went to college."
"It had been 7 years."
"The funny thing is they were not friends or even knew my siblings."
"Everyone got separate invites."
"My mother called 3 weeks prior to the wedding asking if we wanted to carpool as she assumed I got a hotel room in the block."
"I was surprised to find out they were getting married."
"A week later, we have an invite in the mail."
"I was like, at this point, this is a save face/gift grab."
"The hotel block was already released, and there was another event in that town."
"I declined, and the groom's mom called saying she expected a gift in the mail since they pulled a lot of strings to invite me."
"I ripped her a new one."
"It was so gross." ~ naivemetaphysics
"If you would like to give an excuse, OP, you can say that something came up at the last minute with work, and your PTO was revoked."
"Or you can say that your RSVP had offered to split costs with you, and without them, you just can't swing it."
"Or your car will be in the shop, and they were your ride."
"Or that you suddenly tested positive for Covid."
"Don't feel trapped just because of some nerves. There are plenty of small white lies that will let you get out of this while saving face."
"NTA, by the way." ~ GorgeousGracious
"She's probably just wanting a gift/money and inviting you because she thinks you will give a good one or some s**t."
"You aren't that important to her with such a last-minute invite and no plus one and her petty comments."
"Don't go, change it."
"And if you don't want to say why just don't answer her or say you can't make it anymore something came up or you can't get the day off work or just tell the truth, you aren't comfortable going by yourself and when you said you'd go it was with the thought you'd have a plus once since SHE gave you the option and then took it away." ~ JexxicaBaby
"NTA: The RSVP is more crucial for the reception rather than the ceremony."
"Your singular 'yes' puts you in the headcount for food, alcohol, favors, etc."
"In addition to a seat for the ceremony."
"Would you consider attending just the ceremony and skipping the reception as a compromise?"
"You'd see your friend's big moment but not have to deal with 2-4 hours of chit-chat and wedding rituals with strangers."
"If so, you can communicate that to the bride so she can correctly adjust the headcount."
"You were owed an explanation or apology for the mistake plus one option."
"Single friends deserve better in these situations." ~ Echo_Code
"Change your RSVP, don't bother giving an excuse."
"You were invited 2 1/2 weeks before the wedding, which means you were a B or C-level guest, who only got an invite because not enough A-levels decided to attend."
"If they ask, just say your friend was your transportation. NTA." ~ PleaseCoffeeMe
"No. You're fine."
"Just be sure to change your RSVP to no before the due date."
"If she asks you about it, just answer that you're really socially anxious."
"Then don't engage with any more questions."
"You have a perfectly legitimate reason to say no."
"The rest is gravy." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. This is a shmozzle, and a last-minute one at that."
"Decline, send best wishes, and be glad that you are out of this." ~ CandylandCanada
"With that short of notice, it's likely you didn't make the cut of the people they really wanted there, and now they're just looking for people to fill the seats of those who couldn't make it."
"If it were me, I'd cancel and just accept that the friendship will probably be over. NTA." ~ WittyAndWeird
"Personally, I think if you are inviting someone who will..."
"A) not know anyone or more than one other person except bride/groom or..."
"B) sat at a table of exclusive couples and is the only single, then it's automatic plus one."
"I get not wanting strangers at your wedding, but honestly, guest comfort matters too."
"My husband hates weddings and as such I tend to attend alone and even at a table of close friends if they are all couples it can get lonely, you end up feeling like a bit of a burden!"
"I do not expect a plus one if my husband won't attend. For your information, it's just my experience of weddings as a perpetual single!"
"Also, my friend invited another friend's mum as her plus-one when it became clear her husband couldn't attend with her)." ~ toiletconfession
"NTA. You can completely change your mind about attending."
"Given the last-minute nature of the invite, it sounds like inviting you might have been an afterthought."
"Don't put yourself out to attend an event where you will only know 1 person, who (given that it's the bride) is not exactly going to be free to keep you company." ~ CuriousEmphasis7698
"Oh dear, I asked an old friend to be my +1, she said yes, took time off and now you've to go back and tell her she's not invited."
"What a shame!"
"Guess you and your friend should go for a spa day and a catch-up."
"Sorry bride, pity about the mix-up. Sorted!" ~ purppledolphin
"NTA. I would change your RSVP, and I wouldn't feel bad about it either."
"The fact that you got an invitation 2.5 weeks before the wedding sounds like you were in the last tier of guests. People they invited after the first few rounds sent back their invitations and couldn't come."
"The fact that you have social anxiety and would be miserable without someone to be there with you would make this an easy decision for me."
"And I don't understand these comments saying it will end the friendship."
"Anyone who invites someone to their wedding 2.5 weeks before the wedding date then texts to say they can't have a +1 clearly doesn't place a super high value on the friendship to begin with... just saying." ~ dragonsandvamps
"NTA. Simply change it on the website."
"If she reaches out to ask why, just tell her you're not comfortable traveling solo."
"You don't owe anyone your attendance." ~ Alert-Cranberry-5972
"NTA. I gave all our single friends a +1."
"It's called empathy."
"Some people have it, some people don't."
"Sounds like this bride does not."
"I understand some people can't afford to invite that many +1s, but then, alright, don't be surprised if none of them attend."
"A wedding where I don't know anybody?"
"I'd rather do almost anything else with my time than that... lol." ~ REDDIT
"NTA- you can change your mind, just say your plus one was your travel buddy and hotel room buddy."
"If they can't come, you can't come."
"At least now you don't need to buy a gift." ~ TickityTickityBoom
"NTA, my sister got married last month, and you also had to RSVP on her wedding website on the knot."
"When we put in my name it came up as our family with mine, my boyfriends, and my 3 kids for me to RSVP for each of us individually, I could not add any other people to our rsvp either."
"If they weren't offering you a plus one they should've turned off the ability to add one." ~ Traditional_Slip750
"She is inviting you two and a half weeks before the wedding because you were a backup."
"She had no intention of inviting you in the first place."
"You should have gotten the invite months ago."
"You truly don't need to feel bad by saying you're unable to make it and wishing them well. NTA." ~ Shakeit126
"NTA - this sounds awful, and the short notice is awful, and not being able to bring a friend is awful." ~ magictubesocksofjoy
Reddit is with you, OP.
First, your friend could've at least apologized for The Knot's mistake and offered a plus one.
Second, with such short notice, plans tend to fall through.
As long as you change your response in enough time for them to adjust their plans, you're good.
You don't owe them anything.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.