Anyone who had a childhood friend who left this world too soon can attest to how heartbreaking it is to think about how short their life was and how sweet those childhood memories will always be to them.
Even if you haven't, it's easy to imagine how upset you'd be to lose your BFF.
There are countless ways to commemorate those childhood friends, but in most cases, naming a child after them is not one of them, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
When Redditor Throwaway7693200 was pregnant with her first child, she became concerned when her husband suddenly started to mention his childhood best friend, Claire, who had tragically passed away, and insisted on naming their daughter after her.
But when he refused to disclose any more information about Claire, the Original Poster (OP) became suspicious that Claire meant more to her husband than just being a childhood best friend, and she didn't want all of that baggage placed on her child.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his late, female 'best friend'?"
The OP's husband was concerningly pushy about naming their baby after a late friend.
"I (29 Female) gave birth to our daughter three days ago, and somehow, we're still arguing about her name."
"I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway, and I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore."
"My husband (31 Male) has wanted to name her 'Claire' for basically my entire pregnancy. He told me it was the name of one of his closest friends who died a few years before we met."
"I said no almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard of until I got pregnant."
"I figured he'd be disappointed, we'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually we'd find one we both liked. That never happened."
"Every few weeks he'd bring Claire up again, sometimes while we were already talking about names and sometimes completely out of nowhere."
"By the end of my pregnancy, I was honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over."
Though the OP's husband insisted on the name, he refused to share any other information about Claire.
"The thing that's bothering me now isn't even the name."
"We've been together for over five years, married for two, and somehow I'd never heard this woman's name until I was pregnant."
"I've met his parents, his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and nobody has ever mentioned a Claire."
"I even asked one of his college friends at our baby shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about her, and he just looked confused and said he didn't know who I was talking about."
Her husband continued to push the issue while they filled out their daughter's birth certificate.
"Then, after our daughter was born while we were filling out the paperwork, my husband asked one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no, and that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his daughter after her."
"I asked why he'd never told me that before, and he just shrugged and said he didn't think it mattered."
"We've argued about it twice since we got home. He keeps saying I'm making this into something it isn't, but I just don't understand how somebody can matter enough that you picture naming your future daughter after them, yet somehow they never come up in five years together."
The family was divided over the issue.
"My mom thinks I should let him have the name because it's obviously meant something to him for a long time."
"My sister thinks that's exactly why I shouldn't."
"Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm missing part of the story."
"It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and asking who Claire was because I don't know what else to do."
"It feels completely out of line, but so does finding out about somebody this important while I'm filling out our daughter's birth certificate. Would I be wrong if I called his mom?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she deserved an emotional connection to her baby's name just as much as her husband did.
"NOR. Also? That’s cool she meant a lot to HIM, but this is YOUR daughter, too. You need to agree on a name that means something to BOTH of you." - capaldithenewblack
"NOR. Naming a child is two yeses, one no."
"And honestly, I’d want answers too. Before calling his mom, ask him directly how they met, when she died, and why none of his longtime friends seem to know her."
"The shrugging would bother me more than the name." - Historical_Tart6731
"WHO IS CLAIRE TO HIM?! WHERE IS CLAIRE TO HIM?! WHY IS CLAIRE TO HIM?!"
"(Seriously, the MCU is asking the right questions. Do not name your baby 'Claire.' Gamora, maybe as a middle name.)" - AssistanceGloomy2477
"NOR. Naming a baby is a huge deal; I think it's weird, too, that this woman was so important to him he’d want to name his child after her, yet you’ve never heard him even mention her before."
"I'd definitely want more insight into who she was... or is... to him." - orangecatvibes_1024
"I gotta know who Claire is now. There’s NO WAY y'all can name the baby Claire; there’s bad blood attached now. Throw that in his face."
"Don’t let him sway you with Claire being a pretty name, because it freaking is, but in this case, it's NOT worth it." - Evening-Matter-5245
"Tell him to get a fish and name it Claire. The answer is no. You've been saying no for months, and if he's never mentioned her to anyone before now, I almost guarantee you it was some type of hidden romance thing, first love, the girl who got away, survivor's guilt, or an affair partner. NOR at all." - Life_as_a_new_weeb
Others couldn't help but side-eye the situation, urging the OP to figure out who Claire actually was to her husband.
"NOR. Ask his mother about Claire. You definitely aren't getting the whole story from him." - Glass-Hedgehog3940
"I think he’s got a girlfriend named Claire."
"I couldn’t believe how much this happens, but after the saga of Behati and Adam Levine, the comments sections were full of women talking about their husbands trying to name babies after affair partners."
"I didn’t know that was a thing, and I still don’t understand the psychology behind it." - VOTP1990
"My mom’s (now ex) husband convinced her to name my little half-sister a certain name. My mom agreed. Then flowers arrived at the hospital from a woman with that same name who my mom never heard of before. Turns out it was his ex, and they were not in bed together, but they were still in touch."
"Do not give in to your husband on this name. NOR." - BoudiccasJustice
"He’s hiding s**t for sure. If this person was a legitimate, platonic, sisterly friend who sadly died, and he just still loved her and treasured her as a best friend forever, he’d be gushing about her and ready to share memories with you." - Lovercraftian665
"NOR. I smell red flags... EVERYWHERE."
"Ask him Claire’s last name and do some research… call his mom and tell her he wants to name your daughter after his friend who died and you can’t remember her last name but was thinking of sending a card to her family. Or just use the last name part; see if she even knows who the f**k he’s talking about."
"I would be asking him a LOT more questions as well… Can you show me a photo? Where did you meet? How did she die? How old was she? Any info at all. See how he reacts and if he can even answer."
"Something isn’t adding up here. He should NOT be putting you through this, especially after just giving birth!"
"Again, lots of red flags here. Lack of empathy, selfishness, and most likely lying."
"No matter the outcome, I would think seriously about these 'qualities.'"
"And let us know the outcome! Good luck with your little one." - somegirlsdo27
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update that was so complicated, it could have been its own post.
"I wasn't expecting to update this two days later, but a lot happened really fast."
"First, thanks to everyone who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I went back and forth on it for a while, because it felt weird to go around my husband like that, but eventually, I did call her."
"She asked if I wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did."
"I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed. I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a close friend, and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried away because I'm exhausted and emotional and just had a baby."
But the background information the OP received was much more than she bargained for.
"The first thing she asked me was what my husband had already told me about Claire."
"I said that she'd been his best friend and he wanted to name our daughter after her."
"She just kind of looked at me for a second. Then she told me they'd been engaged."
"The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew, because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough, it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower; no one had told me anything."
"Apparently, most people just knew he'd been dating someone who got sick."
"His mom told me Claire was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer not long after they started dating. Things moved fast after that, because they knew they probably didn't have years together, so he proposed."
"She died not long after, so they never married."
The family never mentioned to the OP what they assumed she already rightfully knew.
"She also told me she'd assumed I'd known about all of this for years."
"When we got engaged, she thought he'd already told me."
"Same thing when we got married. Same thing when I got pregnant."
"I call bulls**t, but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers."
The OP confronted her husband, which prompted another argument.
"I drove home after that and just waited for him to get back from work because there wasn't any chance I was going to act like everything was normal."
"I confronted him that night, and it went awful, truly."
"He acted like an entirely different person. At first, he wanted to know why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that I had no right to dig into his past."
"Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage. Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving his family."
"It just kept changing. I'd answer one thing, and we'd somehow end up arguing about something else."
"I asked him when he planned on telling me he'd been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years, married for two, and now we had a daughter."
"He said he always meant to tell me. But he didn't, he never f**king told me, and I'm so angry at how selfish it was."
The OP needed space when her husband refused to take accountability.
"I packed a bag that night and went to my sister's house with the baby."
"Before people assume we're getting divorced, that's not why I left. I still love this man, and we have a child together; I couldn't imagine raising her split between two households."
"I left because we were both angry, and I could tell the argument wasn't going anywhere."
"My sister's been helping with the baby. Yesterday she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten. This whole thing has been exhausting, and I haven't slept at all."
"A few people asked about the birth certificate. The hospital told us we had time to finish the paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick a name before going home."
"We obviously aren't going to leave it forever, but right now neither of us is in any position to make that decision."
"My sister started calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying 'the baby' all the time, and somewhere over the last day, I've started doing it, too."
"I don't know if that's going to end up being her name, but it's the working filler while the s**tstorm is ongoing. It sure as f**k won't be Claire."
The OP wasn't sure what the future held.
"My husband has been calling and texting since I left. He wants to see our daughter, and we've made that happen because none of this has anything to do with her."
"Whatever is going on between us, she's still his daughter, and he loves her."
"I don't want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep her away from him because I'm not."
"I've seen a lot of comments saying the real issue is that he loved someone before me. It really isn't. If he'd told me about Claire years ago, I don't think we'd be here. I would've felt awful for him. I probably would've cried hearing what happened, but I wouldn't have held it against him."
"What really hurts is the lies and the manipulation. But then again, can you even call it lying? It's not like I ever asked him, 'Oh, were you married before?' because who the h**l asks that? Who NEEDS to?"
"Instead, I found out because he wanted our daughter to have her name, and then I found out from his mother that she'd been his fiancée. That's the part I can't look past."
"I looked back on my other post, and it feels like it was written by someone else. Two days ago, I thought we were arguing about a name. God, I was so naive."
"I suppose the question has turned into: would I be overreacting to leave him over this?"
"I'm certainly mad, but I don't think we're at that point yet, and I don't want that for my baby, either."
"Anyway, that's where things are. Thank you all so much for the support; this has really been a great place to be able to vent and get advice. A very special thanks to all of those who helped me realize I wasn't crazy."
Fellow Redditors reassured the OP that she wasn't crazy or overreacting over this.
"NOR with the update. This is a massive lie and secret."
"It’s normal to discuss romantic past in brief with a new partner. This is something that is important and shapes how someone enters a new relationship."
"I’d get more details and ask for timelines. I also find it normal to bring up stories from things that happened with other relationships because it’s not like a certain number of years never happened and they have to be hidden."
"Grief is okay, and if he shared it, you would have been able to understand that it means a whole relationship ended with remaining potential." - Traditional-West1277
"Hi OP. Thanks for the update. I don’t think you should leave him, but he needs counseling or therapy."
"What he did is wrong, and he’s clearly not over this woman. Do not let him deflect with stuff about going behind his back; you were entitled to know who this person was, and he lied by omission."
"He needs to take responsibility, stop blaming others, and deal with his grief in order to fix the marriage."
"And putting her name on his child is not going to do him any good." - Lovercraftian665
"OMG, you just delivered a baby girl, and you're already weighed down with your husband's mystery 'closest friend' who nobody knows. There's a story there, even if he's not spilling it."
"Trust your gut on this one (however exhausted it is now from labor and delivery). Tell him the discussion is over now and forever. Done. The name Claire is not to be spoken again."
"Try to find some common ground with a name of someone you respected, admired, and loved."
"For f**k's sake, I can't believe you have to go through this now with your husband. Take care of yourself. Congrats on your new little one. NOR." - JRAWestCoast
"Unfortunately, since he chose not to be open and honest with his wife, I would not name her Claire even as a middle name, which would have been my original suggestion. He needs to know he screwed up with consequences."
"Claire is a beautiful name, but now he tarnished it because he was a coward. He was scared to tell you when he should have been a grown man and been honest about his past from the get-go."
"If he attacked his mother for her telling you the truth, that is an even larger red flag. A man who cannot tell his partner the truth and blames everyone for the consequences of his actions is not a man I would trust."
"I personally would meet the mother again, bring her flowers, pay for her lunch, and ask her to tell me EVERYTHING else he has not shared with me. Do not warn him that you will be asking her for more info. He may try to threaten her or spin it."
"I would just sit him down and explain why and how he hurt you and ask him to share everything about his past before another of his omissions, secrets, or lies cause more issues in the future. I would not even hint that you have plans to get the truth from his mother after that." - VampiresKitten
"NOR at all, especially given the update! That feels like a huge part of his life he left out and didn’t tell you for some crazy reason? And then got defensive when you figured it out? If he didn’t tell you about this, what else isn’t he telling you about?" - No_Document5942
The subReddit could understand the husband having a childhood friend who he still cared about and who he would always miss, but he shouldn't have lied about her importance to him to his wife, especially when he wanted to place all of his grief and his almost-wife's legacy on their child.
