Choosing a baby's name is one of the first major decisions parents make about their child, and for many, the name they choose carries tremendous sentimental value.
No matter how important the name may be, though, it does not provide the parents a monopoly on that name, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Laurenn2024 was looking forward to having their third baby and chose a special name for them, only for one of their partner's old friends to also want to use the name for their first baby.
When they demanded that the couple give the name up because it was their first baby rather than their third, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and refused.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not changing my baby's name?"
The OP was excited about her third baby.
"My partner and I are expecting our third baby in September."
"His friend and his girlfriend are expecting their first in November."
"My partner and his friend used to be really close friends for about seven years, but stopped being close when my partner joined the Army."
"Two years ago, when he left the army, we moved back to the same town as them, but in the two years we've lived here, we've seen them, I think, three times."
The OP was surprised when the friends chose the same name, but also did not mind.
"We decided on a name when I was 12 weeks pregnant, before even finding out the gender, and told people her name when I was 16 weeks after we found out we were having a girl."
"His friend and his partner have just found out they’re also having a girl and want to use the same name we have chosen."
"I literally do not care as we don’t see them much anyway, so if our kids have the same name, I literally don’t care."
When the couple demanded that the OP "give" them the name, she refused.
"But they’ve reached out to him, asking if we’d change her name and let them just have it as it’s their FIRST baby?"
"I instantly said no. I won’t be doing that."
"So she called me a selfish b***h for ruining her pregnancy?!"
"Some of our mutual friends said I should just change our baby's name to keep the peace, but most agree I shouldn't."
"I'd just like a second opinion, because my partner and I are both such laid-back people and genuinely can’t be a**ed for the drama. This heat and being 27 weeks pregnant is more than enough stress for me, never mind their petty schoolground bulls**t."
"I literally do not have an issue with them naming their daughter the same name as ours, so for them to have SUCH a big issue when they’ve found out weeks AFTER us is WILD."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it would not hurt the couple or the baby at all to share the name with another family.
"NTA. Don’t change the baby’s name, don’t entertain your mutual friends telling you to change it, and tell your husband to deal with this s**t, because he should not be letting his friend's girlfriend call you a b***h."
"Once all of that trash takes itself out, enjoy your growing family in beauty and peace." - ManyYou918
"NTA, because you recognize you don't own the name and because she's clearly being melodramatic." - Mellifluous-Squirrel
"NTA."
"People just need to accept that they don't have exclusive rights to a baby name, ever. My son had three Dylans in his second-grade class (around 2008). Not to mention the endless Aiden, Hayden, Brayden, Jaiden, Caden kids of that era."
"That's just the way it is. You name your kid what you like, other people name their kid what they like, and sometimes those names overlap." - eternal_casserole
"It’s okay if two kids in the same town have the same name. No one has to change their baby's name." - Fireblaster2001
"They would have hated living in medieval England. There were tons of kids with the same name in the same town."
"Name your beautiful daughter the name you chose. May she honor that name all the days of her life, because it was carefully chosen and fiercely defended."
"May your family thrive in love!" - Any_Community_1819
"Oh H**L no! People do not own names. NTA."
"And it could be worse. I had a boss who named her DOG Shelby right after her best friend named her baby Shelby." - Ok_Nectarine_8533
"Before my brother-in-law was born, his dad told his family the name they’d chosen, and then the dad’s brother got a dog and named it the same name. So, imagine John and Jane find out they’re having a boy and choose the name Jim."
"John tells his family, 'Hey, we’re having a baby boy and naming him Jim,' and then his brother (Baby Jim’s uncle) gets a dog and names him Jim."
"Two babies with the same name doesn't sound so drastic now, DOES IT?!" - Rylees_Mom525
Others pointed out that the other pregnant woman had a funny approach to asking for favors.
"A good rule of thumb is not to do favors for people who call you a selfish b***h. NTA." - Rainbowbright31
"Maybe don't treat baby names like they're a trademarked brand." - randomlateidea36
"NTA. I would tell her, 'We are not close enough for you to dictate my parenting. If you keep harassing me, the two kids will never even meet. So much for continuing the friendship in the next generation!'" - _SquirrelHugger_
"NTA. This is a crazy request from them. Not only did you get pregnant first, and pick the name first. But two kids with the same name at will maybe see each other once a year is not a big deal. I would ignore them and any friends that ever bring it up." - Plastic_Blood1782
"NTA. It's not like this couple is siblings with either of you. And even then, it's f**king weird to demand someone change a name."
"Don't even entertain their ridiculousness. I'd block them; they don't seem like friends anymore anyway." - SinglePotato5246
"I don’t understand this at all. When people do this s**t, I think it’s so entitled. People don’t own names. If they love it so much, then use it, too. Are they gonna start messaging random pregnant women on Facebook, too? Get a life." - Sweet-Cat-7667
"NTA. If her first pregnancy and baby are ruined because someone she doesn’t see named their baby the same name, then she isn’t mature enough to have a kid. name your baby whatever you want." - clickityclickclikkk
"NTA. Not only did you pick it first, but you also have a child coming first. And no one gets to 'own' a name, so it’s not like she can’t use it. But she sure as S**T doesn’t have any right to be asking you to change it!!"
"Also, you literally don’t even see these people. What the f**k are they even worried about? So you see a kid with the same name once or twice a year, big whoop. They are going to run into that anyway, just with school."
"You wouldn’t be the AH for using the same name no matter what, but especially given the circumstances, LOL." - Buffalo-Empty
"Just because of what that woman called you, you should absolutely change the name."
"Use whatever the name was, and add 'The Original' before it. 'The Original Taylor.' 'The Original Blake.' 'The Original Charlie.'"
"Hope this helps! Enjoy your pregnancy and growing family! I'm honestly so sad for them that they're more focused on this than their ACTUAL BABY." - Important_Project662
"NTA. You brought up the kid’s future name to people, and the reality is they liked it enough to want to use it."
"They copied your name and then got mad that you won’t change it? That’s super twisted, and they are not your friends, in my opinion!" - Southern-Revolution6
"NTA. Copying the name is bad enough; they should be grateful you didn’t make that an issue."
"Trying to villainize you after their outlandish request that you no longer use the name you chose for your daughter takes some serious audacity."
"Your mutual friends also suck."
"Congratulations!" - obligate_rider
The subReddit could not stop side-eyeing this situation if their lives depended on it. It was perfectly okay for both moms to like the name and to want to name their future daughters the same name, and it wouldn't impact their ability to parent or their daughters' childhoods even in the slightest.
There was also the fact that the two couples rarely saw each other and were not nearly as close as they were nearly a decade ago. That makes it that much more justifiable to use the same name, especially if both women were enamored with it.
Not to mention, a third baby in the family is no less important than the first, and somehow thinking that the birth order was justification for using a name might be the most problematic point of all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp