Whether a relationship is meant to last or not, it's bound to change over time as the couple grows and learns new things.
But some relationships are not meant to last through the growing phase, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, and it's better to be grateful for what that relationship taught us and then let it go.
Redditor AffectionateYard7333 had been dating her boyfriend for three years and thought it was going in a positive direction, at least until his sister got pregnant.
When he made it clear that "family came first," and he prioritized all of his sister's needs over hers, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think their romantic relationship stood a chance.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by breaking up with my boyfriend because his sister is pregnant?"
The OP had always been supportive of her boyfriend's relationship with his sister.
"I (27 Female) recently broke up with my boyfriend, Mark (29 Male), after nearly three years together, and now everyone thinks I’m a terrible person."
"For some context, Mark is extremely close to his family, especially his younger sister, Emily (24 Female). I’ve always thought it was sweet. They talked often, helped each other out, and seemed to have a healthy sibling relationship."
"A few months ago, Emily found out she was pregnant. The father isn’t involved and made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. Naturally, she was devastated."
"Mark immediately stepped up to help her, which I initially supported. He went with her to appointments, helped her financially, and spent a lot of time making sure she was okay emotionally."
The OP felt like she wasn't a priority to Mark anymore.
"The problem was that over time, it felt like our relationship completely disappeared."
"Date nights were canceled because Emily needed something. Weekends we’d planned together suddenly became family time."
"Mark even started talking about moving closer to her after the baby was born so he could help raise his niece or nephew."
"Whenever I brought up feeling neglected, he’d tell me I was being selfish because his sister was going through one of the hardest periods of her life."
But then Mark established a boundary that the OP could not accept.
"The final straw happened when he told me that after the baby arrived, he expected to help with childcare several days a week and that our future plans would have to be adjusted around his sister’s needs 'for the foreseeable future.'"
"I asked him where I fit into all of this. His response was, 'Family comes first.'"
"I told him I understood wanting to help his sister, but it felt like he was building his entire life around her situation while expecting me to just accept it."
"After several conversations that went nowhere, I ended the relationship."
"Now his family is furious. They claim I dumped him because his sister got pregnant and needed support. Even some mutual friends think I overreacted and should have been more understanding."
"From my perspective, I didn’t leave because Emily was pregnant. I left because I felt like there was no room left in Mark’s life for our relationship."
"Was I wrong to break up with my boyfriend because his sister is pregnant?"
"AIO?"
Some reassured the OP that she'd simply matched her ex's "Family comes first" energy.
"His ‘Family comes first’ says you aren’t family… You did the right thing. NOR." - Personal-Yam-819
"'Family comes first.' He means his sister comes first. He made that choice, so you made a choice to break up."
"It's that simple and was smart of you to cut losses and move on when he showed you his priorities and didn't include you in them." - Datonecatladyukno
"Sadly, 'Family comes first' means the family he grew up with and not you. You should be considered part of that family, not outside of it. You did the right thing by walking away. Now you can find someone who prioritizes you the way you deserve." - triceratops-rawr
"He's not saying 'family,' he's saying his sister and most likely his parents are much more important than the OP, and based on the big life moves he's planning to make before the baby comes, and just expects the OP to go along with it, suggests to me that their relationship would always be that way."
"With that knowledge, breaking up was very, very smart of the OP."
"There's no telling if the ex will eventually meet a woman whom he considers family, or prioritizes above his biological family. But he blatantly told the OP that SHE is NOT family, and she deserves better than that." - coffee_in_the_hottub
"He's not wrong to want to be there for his sister and niece or nephew, sure, but he is a bad partner for saying, 'family comes first.'"
"He will never see his partner as family, and if I’m wrong, at what point will he see his partner as the family he will prioritize? How many years? " How many milestones reached?"
"And when you start building a pattern within a relationship where your partner comes second to your parents/siblings, how does the switch flip where the behaviors show that change has happened? He told her to his face that he will not prioritize her over his family because he has no intention of building his own family."
"The OP was totally justified in wanting to be central in a romantic relationship, and she doesn't have to wait around for her ex to figure out how he will juggle his family with romantic pursuits." - sentientchaos83
Others thought the family was only angry to lose free labor, not about the breakup itself.
"I doubt the family was mad at the OP for ending the relationship because of loving her as a daughter-in-law. She's a woman, so they were probably expecting a ton of unpaid labor from her once the baby arrived." - sticktothemass
"The family is mad because they counted on her free labor. She was expected to provide the child care." - goodenoughteacher
"Picturing OP being asked to babysit so that the boyfriend could take his sister out for a nice dinner and a break from childcare... You just know it'd happen." - Excellent_Bear_8743
"They weren’t even hiding it. He told her he expected her to help with the childcare, and he wanted to MOVE. How would another woman's baby impact the OP's life goals?" - Temporary-Honey1409
"It’s going to be funny when his sister finds someone else and no longer needs him. Then he’s going to be left with nothing."
"You cannot prioritize others like this if you want to keep your relationship. He told OP that his sister comes first, but there will come a day when she no longer needs him, and her relationship will be a priority for her. Too bad for him."
"And his entire family is being ridiculous. Why can’t her parents step up and cover what she needs and wants?"
"I’m glad the OP left him before she uprooted her life, not even for him, but for his sister." - Shadow4summer
Some also reassured the OP that she'd done the right thing, letting her ex focus on his sister during her pregnancy.
"Actually, if you look at it from a different perspective, you’re doing the most generous thing of all."
"Your boyfriend can now invest more of his free time towards his family. NOR." - Still_Brick_9239
"The family shouldn’t be furious; she has lightened his load to allow him to focus on what truly matters to him."
"NOR. She’s allowed to leave a relationship that’s no longer compatible, no matter the reason."
"Everyone gets what they want this way. He can prioritize his family stress-free, and she can find someone who wants to build a life and a family with her." - Global-Hair-810
"The ex should be THANKING her, because now he can focus all of his time (not that he wasn't already, but, you know, guilt-free) on his dear, dear sister." - Hawkman003
"NOR. Now the boyfriend can become a real father! He just needs to look for a new girlfriend, maid, or babysitter to help with someone else's baby!"
"OP dodged a bullet." - Turbulent_Pin_8310
"He’s not a bad dude for helping his sister, and she’s not a bad person for not wanting to be the third wheel in his life plan. They're just incompatible now, and there's no telling if they'd ever be compatible again."
"lt always baffles me how it’s seemingly impossible for people to accept the fact that life evolves and changes differently for individuals sometimes. When two people are going in different directions and want different things, it’s best to appreciate the time you’ve had with one another, but the chapter has ended, and if you try and force it, you’re both just going to end up resenting each other, and friction will always be present."
"It’s so much easier just to end things on good terms, especially before the baby comes." - Seecole-13
It's understandable that the OP's ex-boyfriend wants to be there for his family, especially a family member that he's very close to. But it's also understandable for the OP to want to be in a relationship where she is a priority, rather than an afterthought.
Since her ex was so focused on his sister and future niece or nephew, to the point that he planned to move closer to her and organize his schedule around babysitting, it was better for the OP to exit now before she had to uproot her life for someone else's baby, in a relationship that didn't even prioritize her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp