The time around a baby's delivery date is fragile.
Parents tend to want to keep an open window.
There is a lot that is going to be happening.
So hosting big parties and playing host to family isn't always at the top of the to-do list.
Redditor Few-Professional3746 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to spend Christmas with my husband’s family right after having a baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m a 25-year-old woman, and my husband and I are expecting our first baby in December."
"We’re super excited, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind."
"For some context, I’m not very close with my family, and we never really did big Christmas celebrations."
"My husband is the complete opposite; he has a big family, they’re all very close, and every year everyone travels from different states to spend Christmas together."
"We usually alternate states every year; this year we were supposed to go to Ohio, but since I’ll either be very pregnant or have just given birth, that’s obviously not happening."
"Everyone’s solution was basically, 'Well, let’s all come to you so we can meet the baby.'”
"The thing is… I really don’t want that."
"If I haven’t had the baby yet, the last thing I want is a house full of people while I’m waiting to go into labor."
"And if I had had the baby, I don’t really love the idea of 10-15 relatives flying in from all over the country and wanting to hold a newborn during the middle of cold, flu, and RSV season."
"When I said I didn’t think we’d be doing Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, some family members told me I was being dramatic because it’s 'just family,' and they guilt-tripped me with the fact that a few people had already spent money on flights because they were really excited to come meet the baby."
"There has already been a lot of tension around this pregnancy, for context."
"My husband and I found out the baby’s gender, but we decided not to tell anyone yet because we want to share it when we’re ready."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] thinks I’m gatekeeping information because she wants to start buying things for the baby."
"I’m also a very private person."
"I barely post on social media, and I’ve already said I don’t want pictures of my baby posted online."
"That didn’t go over well either."
"Then there’s the delivery room situation."
"My personal opinion is that if you weren’t there helping make the baby, you don’t need to be there when the baby is coming out."
"Not even my own mom will be in the delivery room. "
"But my mother-in-law and her sister keep saying they should be there because it’s their grandchild, too."
"I’ve already said no, but they keep bringing it up."
"Honestly, I’m tired of all the jokes and comments about me being dramatic."
"My mother-in-law likes to joke that when the baby is with Grandma, Grandma makes the rules."
"Maybe it’s a joke, but combined with everything else, it doesn’t really feel like one anymore."
"My husband keeps telling me we’ll deal with it when the time comes, but I’m already stressed."
"I feel like everyone is focused on the baby and nobody is thinking about the fact that I’ll either be postpartum and recovering or about to give birth."
"Am I overreacting because this is my first baby?"
"I genuinely don’t want a huge family Christmas."
"I don’t want people pushing my boundaries, and I don’t want to feel pressured into things I’m uncomfortable with."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. These 'jokes' are all precursors to real actions that will occur."
"You’re not overreacting."
"You’re reading the signs correctly."
"This isn’t something you deal with when the time comes."
"This is something you have a unified plan for now."
"You and your husband absolutely need to make that plan now." ~ Maleficent-Yam4650
"Exactly, your husband's solution of just dealing with it later is not good."
"He needs to stand with you and talk to his family as early as possible."
"Otherwise, they might expect that you're going to change your mind eventually."
"OP, NTA."
"You're not overreacting at all."
"Relatives can be insensitive and domineering, so if you don't set your boundaries firmly, you're going to be steamrolled by them." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA, and the comment's right!"
"The real red flag is your husband's."
"'We'll deal with it when the time comes.'"
"Every joke, the delivery room, 'grandma makes the rules,' is a border being tested now, so the fight lands later when you're postpartum and weakest."
"And, they keep relitigating, isn't being heard."
"The plan has to be now, and it has to be him telling his own mother."
"If he won't be the wall between you and them, that's the problem to fix before December." ~ JeyJonsoon
"Anyone who's asking you to host a large family gathering when you're due/past-due/post-partum doesn't love you."
"Period, end of story. And birth is not a spectator sport."
"Tell your husband to grow a spine or get out."
"During delivery, inform the nurses that you want no visitors."
"You might also be able to put names on a block list so they can't even be told that you're a patient over the phone."
"They'll handle security from there." ~ Cryptographer_Alone
"Allllll of this!"
"I declined my super close family from visiting postpartum because I didn't want the kids to be running around."
"It caused friction, but for the sake of your mental health, your new babe that doesn't have a circadian rhythm, and your marriage, protect your bubble first."
"If they love you, they will understand."
"Your husband's job is to protect you since your job is so much bigger."
"Have the important conversations now, OP."
"Expectations should be clear."
"From my experience, my in-laws didn't change, and my assumptions were proved right." ~ Cocoslo
"NTA. You have a husband problem."
"The last thing you need to be doing while freshly postpartum is hosting people."
"Even if everything goes to plan and you have a natural delivery with no complications, you’re going to be recovering and bleeding heavily for at least a few weeks."
"You both need to be prepared to stay home, hunker down, and develop your bonds as a family."
"This is not the time for large family gatherings, period."
"As for the delivery situation, let the nurses know you don’t want visitors; they will handle it."
"Your MIL has no business being in that room unless YOU want her there."
"Don’t call them when you go into labor; they can find out about the baby when you’re home." ~ rojita369
"NTA, you have a husband problem."
"His responsibility is to keep his family in line."
"Everything you outlined is totally reasonable and something I would also do."
"Don’t back down, don’t be a doormat, hold your ground, and have a very firm conversation with your husband."
"He needs to step up, and all this stress is not good for you so far along in your pregnancy." ~ Plenty-Hovercraft789NTA
"The biggest risk is everyone travelling using different modes of transport and meeting the unvaccinated baby."
"Newborns barely have any immune system."
"Since you can't talk to a pediatrician yet, ask your OB if she can help provide any resources on newborn care."
"Regarding your MIL pushing to be in the delivery room, talk to your care team and tell them that you don't want anyone except your husband to be in the room with you."
"Tell them even your husband is not authorized to bring anyone in."
"It's clear your husband can't say no to his mom, so he might go behind your back when you are vulnerable and bring your MIL in."
"Your husband needs to grow a spine and support you." ~ Plenty-Hovercraft789
"NTA. The biggest risk is everyone travelling using different modes of transport and meeting the unvaccinated baby."
"Newborns barely have any immune system."
"Since you can't talk to a pediatrician yet, ask your OB if she can help provide any resources on newborn care."
"Regarding your MIL pushing to be in the delivery room, talk to your care team and tell them that you don't want anyone except your husband to be in the room with you."
"Tell them even your husband is not authorized to bring anyone in."
"It's clear your husband can't say no to his mom, so he might go behind your back when you are vulnerable and bring your MIL in."
"Your husband needs to grow a spine and support you." ~ getstrongandlean
"Oh, honey."
"This family is stepping all over your boundaries, and you need to put a stop to it right now."
"Tell your husband he needs to protect your peace and your health."
"Nobody should be visiting a newborn after coming off an airplane."
"Your husband should be telling his mother to back off."
"Parents make the rules, not grandparents."
"You are NTA, but your husband is." ~ Lucidity74
"While first-time parents can be a bit crazed at times, you're being reasonable and are NTA."
"With people already buying tickets, your husband needs to shut this down now. NOW!"
"You and the baby should be his top priority, and he needs to lay down the law."
"No holiday visitors and no MIL in the delivery room."
"You should be clear with him that you won't be compromising and that appeasing his family while stressing you out and endangering your child isn't ok." ~ RenzaMcCullough
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your husband needs to step up and fast.
This type of behavior will only get worse.
This is your baby and your health.
You have every right to be concerned.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp