The time around a baby's delivery date is fragile.
Parents tend to want to keep an open window.
There is a lot that is going to be happening.
So hosting big parties and playing host to family isn't always at the top of the to-do list.
Redditor Few-Professional3746 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to spend Christmas with my husband’s family right after having a baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m a 25-year-old woman, and my husband and I are expecting our first baby in December."
"We’re super excited, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind."
"For some context, I’m not very close with my family, and we never really did big Christmas celebrations."
"My husband is the complete opposite; he has a big family, they’re all very close, and every year everyone travels from different states to spend Christmas together."
"We usually alternate states every year; this year we were supposed to go to Ohio, but since I’ll either be very pregnant or have just given birth, that’s obviously not happening."
"Everyone’s solution was basically, 'Well, let’s all come to you so we can meet the baby.'”
"The thing is… I really don’t want that."
"If I haven’t had the baby yet, the last thing I want is a house full of people while I’m waiting to go into labor."
"And if I had had the baby, I don’t really love the idea of 10-15 relatives flying in from all over the country and wanting to hold a newborn during the middle of cold, flu, and RSV season."
"When I said I didn’t think we’d be doing Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, some family members told me I was being dramatic because it’s 'just family,' and they guilt-tripped me with the fact that a few people had already spent money on flights because they were really excited to come meet the baby."
"There has already been a lot of tension around this pregnancy, for context."
"My husband and I found out the baby’s gender, but we decided not to tell anyone yet because we want to share it when we’re ready."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] thinks I’m gatekeeping information because she wants to start buying things for the baby."
"I’m also a very private person."
"I barely post on social media, and I’ve already said I don’t want pictures of my baby posted online."
"That didn’t go over well either."
"Then there’s the delivery room situation."
"My personal opinion is that if you weren’t there helping make the baby, you don’t need to be there when the baby is coming out."
"Not even my own mom will be in the delivery room. "
"But my mother-in-law and her sister keep saying they should be there because it’s their grandchild, too."
"I’ve already said no, but they keep bringing it up."
"Honestly, I’m tired of all the jokes and comments about me being dramatic."
"My mother-in-law likes to joke that when the baby is with Grandma, Grandma makes the rules."
"Maybe it’s a joke, but combined with everything else, it doesn’t really feel like one anymore."
"My husband keeps telling me we’ll deal with it when the time comes, but I’m already stressed."
"I feel like everyone is focused on the baby and nobody is thinking about the fact that I’ll either be postpartum and recovering or about to give birth."
"Am I overreacting because this is my first baby?"
"I genuinely don’t want a huge family Christmas."
"I don’t want people pushing my boundaries, and I don’t want to feel pressured into things I’m uncomfortable with."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. These 'jokes' are all precursors to real actions that will occur."
"You’re not overreacting."
"You’re reading the signs correctly."
"This isn’t something you deal with when the time comes."
"This is something you have a unified plan for now."
"You and your husband absolutely need to make that plan now." ~ Maleficent-Yam4650
"Exactly, your husband's solution of just dealing with it later is not good."
"He needs to stand with you and talk to his family as early as possible."
"Otherwise, they might expect that you're going to change your mind eventually."
"OP, NTA."
"You're not overreacting at all."
"Relatives can be insensitive and domineering, so if you don't set your boundaries firmly, you're going to be steamrolled by them." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA, and the comment's right!"
"The real red flag is your husband's."
"'We'll deal with it when the time comes.'"
"Every joke, the delivery room, 'grandma makes the rules,' is a border being tested now, so the fight lands later when you're postpartum and weakest."
"And, they keep relitigating, isn't being heard."
"The plan has to be now, and it has to be him telling his own mother."
"If he won't be the wall between you and them, that's the problem to fix before December." ~ JeyJonsoon
"Anyone who's asking you to host a large family gathering when you're due/past-due/post-partum doesn't love you."
"Period, end of story. And birth is not a spectator sport."
"Tell your husband to grow a spine or get out."
"During delivery, inform the nurses that you want no visitors."
"You might also be able to put names on a block list so they can't even be told that you're a patient over the phone."
"They'll handle security from there." ~ Cryptographer_Alone
"Allllll of this!"
"I declined my super close family from visiting postpartum because I didn't want the kids to be running around."
"It caused friction, but for the sake of your mental health, your new babe that doesn't have a circadian rhythm, and your marriage, protect your bubble first."
"If they love you, they will understand."
"Your husband's job is to protect you since your job is so much bigger."
"Have the important conversations now, OP."
"Expectations should be clear."
"From my experience, my in-laws didn't change, and my assumptions were proved right." ~ Cocoslo
"NTA. You have a husband problem."
"The last thing you need to be doing while freshly postpartum is hosting people."
"Even if everything goes to plan and you have a natural delivery with no complications, you’re going to be recovering and bleeding heavily for at least a few weeks."
"You both need to be prepared to stay home, hunker down, and develop your bonds as a family."
"This is not the time for large family gatherings, period."
"As for the delivery situation, let the nurses know you don’t want visitors; they will handle it."
"Your MIL has no business being in that room unless YOU want her there."
"Don’t call them when you go into labor; they can find out about the baby when you’re home." ~ rojita369
"NTA, you have a husband problem."
"His responsibility is to keep his family in line."
"Everything you outlined is totally reasonable and something I would also do."
"Don’t back down, don’t be a doormat, hold your ground, and have a very firm conversation with your husband."
"He needs to step up, and all this stress is not good for you so far along in your pregnancy." ~ Plenty-Hovercraft789NTA
"The biggest risk is everyone travelling using different modes of transport and meeting the unvaccinated baby."
"Newborns barely have any immune system."
"Since you can't talk to a pediatrician yet, ask your OB if she can help provide any resources on newborn care."
"Regarding your MIL pushing to be in the delivery room, talk to your care team and tell them that you don't want anyone except your husband to be in the room with you."
"Tell them even your husband is not authorized to bring anyone in."
"It's clear your husband can't say no to his mom, so he might go behind your back when you are vulnerable and bring your MIL in."
"Your husband needs to grow a spine and support you." ~ Plenty-Hovercraft789
"NTA. The biggest risk is everyone travelling using different modes of transport and meeting the unvaccinated baby."
"Newborns barely have any immune system."
"Since you can't talk to a pediatrician yet, ask your OB if she can help provide any resources on newborn care."
"Regarding your MIL pushing to be in the delivery room, talk to your care team and tell them that you don't want anyone except your husband to be in the room with you."
"Tell them even your husband is not authorized to bring anyone in."
"It's clear your husband can't say no to his mom, so he might go behind your back when you are vulnerable and bring your MIL in."
"Your husband needs to grow a spine and support you." ~ getstrongandlean
"Oh, honey."
"This family is stepping all over your boundaries, and you need to put a stop to it right now."
"Tell your husband he needs to protect your peace and your health."
"Nobody should be visiting a newborn after coming off an airplane."
"Your husband should be telling his mother to back off."
"Parents make the rules, not grandparents."
"You are NTA, but your husband is." ~ Lucidity74
"While first-time parents can be a bit crazed at times, you're being reasonable and are NTA."
"With people already buying tickets, your husband needs to shut this down now. NOW!"
"You and the baby should be his top priority, and he needs to lay down the law."
"No holiday visitors and no MIL in the delivery room."
"You should be clear with him that you won't be compromising and that appeasing his family while stressing you out and endangering your child isn't ok." ~ RenzaMcCullough
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your husband needs to step up and fast.
This type of behavior will only get worse.
This is your baby and your health.
You have every right to be concerned.
