Sometimes weddings can be stressful, even if you're just an attendee.
Travel can be especially difficult to plan.
And if there are stipulations on the invite, such as no kids... that can mean more planning and more accommodations regarding attendance.
To go or not to go.
That is the question.
Redditor danknadoflex found themselves in a dilemma regarding their travel to their cousin's wedding, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for wanting to attend a child-free wedding without my wife?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My cousin is getting married, and the wedding is a 4-hour flight from where I live."
"We aren't particularly close, but I would really like to be there for my family on the day of their wedding."
"It is a child-free wedding, and we have two children, one is under 1 year old and the other is almost 5."
"My wife refuses to travel and get a babysitter; she is even refusing to let me hire a babysitter to help her at our home for the two days I am gone."
"She says she can not take care of the kids by herself and everything will 'fall apart' and she'll be 'underwater.'"
"She was invited to a few weddings earlier this year (also child-free), and not only did I encourage her to go, but I also reassured her I can watch both kids for as long as she needs to travel and come back."
"She declined to go to any of those weddings and was offended they were child-free."
"I told her it's important to me to go, and I feel heartbroken that I have a partner who won't do for me what I would do for them."
"I am considering buying the plane ticket and RSVPing yes and going anyway."
"The clock is ticking to RSVP, and I want to be there."
"I feel resentful that my wife can't be a parent to our two kids for two days by herself AND refuses to entertain my hiring a babysitter for as much time as possible to shadow and help her with the kids."
"When I told her how I felt about this, she said, 'Do you think this is going to make me change my mind? I don't want you to go.'"
"She has A[ttention]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] and executive function issues, and even making breakfast can feel overwhelming for her."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH for intending to go to this wedding?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"She was overwhelmed by making breakfast, but she has two young kids?"
"She needs help from a child care provider and therapist." ~ one-cat
"This is a completely normal part of having two kids."
"If one person is overwhelmed managing normal situations, then the problem is with that person, whether they need therapy or training or both, especially if medication is off the table."
"The key here is that she doesn't just get to offload her difficulties on other people if she's unwilling to work on herself."
"Everyone can support her while she works on herself, but that needs to be done." ~ lordtrickster
"It's also a completely normal thing to be overwhelmed by."
"Loads of people are overwhelmed when they have babies."
"Not saying she can't have issues, but I'm honestly surprised by the number of people here who seem unaware of just how hard parenting two small kids can be, even for the most stable of people." ~ Significant-Nebula64
"He's so shocked she didn't want to go to a child free weddings when she had a literal infant at home and was breastfeeding!"
"Of course she didn't want to - it is such a nightmare to go anywhere without the baby when you have to find a private place to pump every few hours (as often as the baby feeds or your supply will drop), then clean the pumping equipment, store the milk in a fridge."
"It's so stressful."
"I had pretty bad postpartum anxiety, and it always bothered me that my ex kept pressuring me to be away from the baby."
"It was relaxing or fun to go out - it was stressful, and then I had to worry about pumping, and my milk supply the whole time."
"A lot of moms aren't going to enjoy a trip away from the baby in the first year."
She needs to get checked out really badly - I had never even heard about postpartum anxiety until I had it - and it's so early for giving birth to mess up your hormones something bad." ~ Music_withRocks_In
"He doesn’t need to stay home. He can take the kids, and she can stay."
"OP has already offered to take care of the kids on his own while his wife went to the wedding, which implies he’s capable of caring for his kids by himself; he just needs to arrange for a sitter for the wedding and reception." ~ Alternative_End_7174
"Yeah, I came to say this."
"OP, you aren’t an a**hole and should be able to attend; however, your wife is in crisis."
"You need to make it clear she needs help if she feels she can’t handle the kids for a few days, but be delicate and overall convey your love and support for her."
"And then you need to talk to her about some clear, actionable steps to making sure she gets better."
"It doesn’t have to be immediate meds or therapy."
"There are other routes. It’s going to be hard either way."
"I would heavily emphasize that it’s not just what’s best for her, but also for your children." ~ SnooPoems5888
"Your wife seems like she may be feeling overwhelmed."
"Is it possible that she's suffering from P[ost]P[artum]-D[epression]?"
"It seems as though she's so overwhelmed she isn't able to recognize anything but the feeling of drowning."
"That's not normal or healthy." ~ writing_mm_romance
"I think you need to forget about this wedding and look at the bigger picture."
"Your wife has completely lost her sense of self and has been reduced to 'mother, ' while her adhd has her dysfunctional, and her anxiety is running out of bounds."
"She needs help."
"She's in trouble." ~ lydocia
"It’s a bit close timeline, the baby is still breastfed, and she does not have help that weekend."
"Just help her out, they are your kids, it’s out of state and child-free, and you have 2 children and a wife who needs support, and her support team isn’t available that weekend (her parents), so therefore it’s you."
"You married her, support her." ~ inputplease1
"Sounds like she might also have a higher-than-normal risk for postpartum depression/psychosis."
"She is setting the boundaries on herself, and you may be a form of reaching out without the exacting knowledge of what is going on."
"Undiagnosed, this could be very dangerous for her and your children."
"I know you want to, and normally it should be fine, but don’t go!!" ~ parkersdadguy
"I am sorry, but I had a newborn and a two-year-old, and I managed a deployment."
"Why can’t she let you go to a family wedding?"
"Those are the best times to connect with family you don’t get to see very often."
"If you can’t handle your children on your own, they probably shouldn’t have kids."
"You can’t expect to always have help or the other partner at home with you.'
"She’s not even willing to help herself." ~ SpecialistAfter511
"Parents desperately need lives outside of their kids."
"I said what I said." ~ PlanetJanet412
OP returned with some Updates...
"Wife is still pumping for the baby."
"Our only reliable babysitters (her parents) have already booked a trip out of town that weekend."
"For those saying she should see a therapist."
"She was like this before the 2nd baby was born."
"It did not seem like her condition was improving."
"She refuses to consider medication either."
"Since the baby was born, she says she cannot see a therapist because she 'doesn't have time.'"
"I keep seeing this come up."
"I'm not going to 'get drunk', it's not about that for me."
"My family is very apart, and it's a once-in-a-decade or more opportunity to have everyone in one place together."
"I'm not sure how I'm abandoning as my wife is invited too, she says she doesn't want to go, and I've also offered to do everything possible to get hired help."
"We have babysitters we've used in the past that are trusted and might be available."
"She assumes they are not or won't be available at the hours when the help is most needed."
LATEST UPDATE SINCE I POSTED THIS AITAH:
"She spoke to her sister and is going to reach out to a trusted babysitter today, and said she would feel comfortable if she had a combination of help from both of them."
"She said she'd let me know today if she can secure coverage."
"I told her I won't go unless she feels supported enough in my absence."
"I also spoke to her about how she was feeling postpartum."
"She told me she's not depressed, but she feels postpartum anxiety."
"I told her I would do whatever it takes to facilitate her being able to speak to someone to work through her struggles."
"She said she is unwilling to take medication, and there is no time for her to have an appointment."
"I told her I would take time off work if necessary so she could speak with a professional."
It sounds like this might work out for you, OP.
Hopefully, your wife will start taking her situation seriously.
Reddit is with you.
Good Luck.
