More and more couples have opted for childfree weddings.
But that decision must come with the understanding that parents may choose not to attend.
A parent who would prefer not to attend a childfree wedding a long way from home turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit for feedback.
ThrowRA_bunny5142 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to go to a childfree wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's cousin is getting married this year and is having a child-free wedding. We have two kids under 4. I don't want to go for a variety of reasons."
"We are covering the travel costs of his parents and the four of us already. Including flights ($3,000 one way), car $300, hotel $500, food, and sitter care for a 2-day wedding is north of $600. This is for a 4 day trip."
"I don't think I could afford to pay my babysitter for 4 days of work along with another plane ticket and a separate room."
"I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with an unknown nanny, even vetted by an agency. The reviews are hit and miss, and I don't have or know anyone in that city. If anything happened to them because of a party, I would regret this forever. When we've previously had similar situations, sitters were vetted by friends in those towns."
"The venue is in the middle of nowhere. The nearest hotel is over a 30-minute drive away. There's nowhere closer to put the kids."
"Culturally, it's unheard of to not have kids at a wedding. Enough that it didn't even occur to him that it was childfree until I had him ask his family."
"It's a pain in the a** to drag two kids on a three-hour+ flight and another one-hour drive each way so they can marinate in a room. It's a multi-day wedding at 6+ hours per day. And much of it is just sitting on a chair watching ceremonial stuff."
"I offered to stay home alone with the kids, daycare, and my army of sitters. I offered to stay at the hotel for the duration of the wedding and the three of them could go. It's led to multiple huge fights where he accuses of me being unreasonable."
"I think it's cultural because it reflects poorly on him if I stay home."
"I think they are entitled to whatever wedding they want. What they aren't entitled to is requiring me to attend. I feel like I've given every reasonable option and he is refusing to budge."
"I ran this through a few friends and he thinks they're biased, so I posted here for an unbiased opinion."
"Background. Some of it is because he and his parents feel indebted to that side of the family for all their help early in his career. His parents aren't happy about it, but haven't pushed the issue. He is otherwise a great father and usually very reasonable."
"His parents live with us and help watch the kids. They're lovely, and we are glad to cover their trip. My side of the family lives in another country."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Husband can go with his parents. Why is your presence critical? It’s not." ~ Mcbriec
"We are doing this, literally today. I'm going to the wedding of a family friend with my parents. My husband is staying home to look after our kids. It's only 30 mins away, and I'll be home by midnight." ~ SnackyandSnarky
"Agreed. I left my husband and child at home with my MIL to attend my sister’s wedding. Would it have been nice if my husband had come? Sure - but he couldn’t get the time off work. I wanted to focus on my sister rather than wrangle my 3-year-old, who couldn’t handle crowds.I don’t see why the husband is being so difficult here." ~ No-Lifeguard9194
"You sound very reasonable, as someone else said it's an invitation, not a summons." ~ PrincessMo
"Exactly. I think people are putting too much blame on the couple when OP’s husband is the one refusing to accept that this just doesn’t work for her. They’re allowed to have a child-free wedding, and she’s allowed to not attend."
"The wedding couple set their boundary, OP set hers, and that should honestly be the end of it. It’s the husband who seems unable to accept that her no is valid." ~ myrvantis
"And it's a cousin. OP's family needs to take a chill pill." ~ crabbywarrior
"NTA. They chose to be child-free. You have children. I'm curious why you'd be covering parents' airfare, but, yeah... stay home that week." ~ Substantial_Slide_54
"Right? OP isn't trash-talking the other couple just because they prefer a childfree wedding AND recognizes the value of family childcare, so wants to show appreciation? OP seems really reasonable about parenting, and I love it." ~ thoughtandprayer
"NTA/YWNBTA. You're looking at approx $7,500. If I did the maths correctly. I assumed that the $3k one-way tickets are for both of you, so $6k return all up?"
"That's a lot of money to spend on one weekend to celebrate other people, with the inconvenience and stress of whatever you'd end up doing with the kiddos." ~ nahlaskidoo
"It’s interesting he’s reacting that way. It’s not like you’re saying that he can’t go either. Your suggestion of staying home or even close in a hotel is very reasonable in my opinion. ~ jstine_4
"A wedding invitation is just that - an invitation. Not a command." ~ neverenoughpurple
"NTA, your husband is being pig-headed, and there is absolutely no need for you to go. Your in-laws and husband can go without you and you can save some money, sound like a win-win." ~ Mean-Confidence3477
"Agreed. Him and parents going and you staying home with kids is win-win. Couple gets child-free wedding. Him and parents get to honor cousins. And your kids don’t have to suffer traveling." ~ Low_Cook_5235
"You offered completely reasonable alternatives for the children, so absolutely NTA. It's absolutely ridiculous to drag your children through travel and then leave them with a babysitter you've only met once. I don't even understand your spouse's reasoning here."
"If he and his parents want to go, fine. You don't feel that obligation, also fine. Prioritizing your children makes complete sense here. Do what you gotta do and if he chooses to be mad about it, he's only going to ruin his own wedding experience, so that's on him." ~ small-black-cat-290
"Both of my parents used to travel together for work when I was a kid, and we were often taken along and left with unknown babysitters in whatever city we happened to be in. They would arrange it with the hotel concierge and poof, a random teenager (sometimes didn’t even speak the same language as us) would appear."
"I remember just hanging out in the hotel room with my sister for large parts of those trips. Italy! Ireland! France! Germany! Technically I’ve been there, but definitely doesn’t count because I only saw airports and hotel rooms.".
"Anyway, it was the 90s and nothing bad happened to us except getting super good at pilfering minibars without getting caught—the alternative was to stay home with a very strict grumpy grandma, so we preferred being bored to being scolded."
"But OP doesn’t have to put her little children or herself through this. So I say huzzah to her for coming to Reddit for validation; she’s in the right here!" ~ _kismitten
"NTA. I wouldn’t want to leave my kids with strangers either. I wouldn’t budge. Their welfare is more important than your attendance." ~ Dapper_Ad_1691
"I agree. I'd never leave my kid with a stranger. The whole trip sounds horrid. I hope she lets her husband be mad and stays home. He'll get over it eventually. ~ imbex
"NTA, nope, I would not be going either; that’s just too much. I wouldn’t care if he was refusing to budge; the answer would be I’m staying home, and you can go. ~ Square_Owl5883
"NTA—the trade-off for having a child-free wedding means that there will be family members unable to attend. Send a gift and regrets and the in-laws can deal with it." ~ prosperosniece
"This is very true, and I'm sure they even expect that of some invites sent, but then also some families will find care to have a kid-free night as well. But opting out and just sending a gift and regrets is plenty and reasonable."
"No one is wrong or being unreasonable in this situation in my opinion. They just don't agree, so they have to agree to disagree and go from there." ~ Affectionate-Tap-588
"NTA. The a**hole here is your husband, given this has led to multiple huge fights, with him dismissing your opinions and those of other people who disagree. Perhaps it's time to reconsider a relationship where you and the kids are a higher priority than appearances to others." ~ ginisninja
OP has made valid, reasonable points about their unwillingness to attend this wedding.
Their husband can either accept their response or be upset, but they can't force OP to go against her will.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp