To be childfree or not to be childfree. That is the question couples planning a wedding routinely face.
I’ve not been to many weddings—six or seven total with most being for family members—but very few had anything that would be fun or even interesting for small children. So I’d consider it a favor to not have to entertain a child for the duration of the nuptials and reception.
But I’m also childless for a reason—I never wanted to have children—so I’m definitely biased. Parents might have a host of reasons they want their child to attend.
A new mom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after declining her cousin’s invitation to their childfree wedding.
Fun-Imagination4145 asked:
“AITA for telling my cousin I can’t come to his wedding because of no child rule?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My cousin is getting married at the end of August in California at a vineyard. No one in the family is in California so to go I need to get a hotel.”
“Me, my mom, and brother found an AirBNB that is relatively close.”
“Also I should mention my husband is posted abroad and won’t be coming. I was going to fly to the USA for this.”
“The invite came out only three weeks ago and we had to scramble to find a place.”
“The issue now is that I have a 4-month-old baby who only breastfeeds and won’t take a bottle. She had to drink from an open cup one time because I needed to take a driving exam and that is the longest she has ever been away from me.”
“They just let us know that no children under 12 are allowed. So I told them that logistically I can’t come.”
“They suggested that me and my mother go back and forth to the AirBNB to watch the baby and I said it’s just too big of a deal. To fly all the way there, pay for an AirBNB and then go back and forth during the wedding.”
“It just doesn’t seem worth it, its a lot of effort to do all of that by myself with a small baby. The AirBNB and plane are still refundable at this point.”
“My mom said she almost doesn’t want to go now either. She’d rather spend the money to come see me and her grandchild.”
“My cousin is mad that I’m cancelling as they paid per head and can’t reduce the amount at this point. I said they can try and find someone else to invite.”
“I said it’s his fault that they didn’t write the child rule on the invitation. He said I should not be stingy and get a babysitter.”
“I don’t know anyone in that area of California and honestly paying for a babysitter on top of an AirBNB and flight is ridiculous to me. He says it is standard to not bring children to weddings.”
“So AITA for cancelling close to the date because I can’t bring my baby with me?”
The OP later clarified:
“Short notice is because bride is pregnant. I live with my husband in Germany where he is posted with the military.”
“Baby already has a passport because she is a US citizen—military dependents born to two US citizens on a military base automatically are.”
“Because of the shotgun nature the wedding, the invite consisted of a graphic image without particular guest names emailed to the guests.”
“The RSVP system also let me choose up to three people so I thought that was me, my baby, and my husband.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for cancelling my RSVP so close to the event because I can’t bring my small baby with me to the event.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was
“NTA. Who expects the parents of a four-month-old to find a babysitter in a strange place at the last minute.”
“I flew back to the USA from overseas with a 10-month-old and that was hard enough, alone with a four-month-old sounds daunting. Do not let your cousin bully you.
“Cancel everything and stay home. If your mother and brother want the AirBNB they can cover your share, or find other accommodations.” ~ Lego_Panda_Bear
“More than this, who doesn’t let guests know on the invite that a wedding is child free? NTA.”
“You can’t send invites, get numbers, pay for plates, THEN tell guests they can’t bring kids and be mad when people are pulling out.” ~ perpetuallyxhausted
“NTA! I had a similar issue years ago. I had a breastfeeding 8-week-old and a wedding a five hour drive away. I could not leave my 8-week-old overnight, so I would have to take her with us.”
“I offered to stand at the VERY BACK of the chairs at ceremony off to the side (away from the aisle) with my baby and to leave if she made a sound. And I offered to not go to the reception at all if they’d prefer.”
“They came back and said after much thought, they didn’t want to take the risk of the unpredictability of a baby at their wedding, and could I come without the baby. I understood, but I couldn’t go.”
“Turns out they brought their dogs to the wedding who got loose mid ceremony and ran around like crazy.”
“Their social media post after was a picture of them laughing at one dog who had run up to the bride and their caption was something like, ‘Isn’t that the beauty of weddings? It’s all about the love that’s there, not everything going according to plan’.”
“Yeah, but an 8-week-old would’ve been too much.” ~ Indy-Lib
“Your cousin is trying to make his bad planning your problem.”
“How ridiculous to ask a mother to get a babysitter for a 4-month-old baby who is breast fed, in a strange city where she doesn’t know anyone.”
“Your cousin has clearly demonstrated that he is clueless. NTA … by a long shot!” ~ Boring-Article7511
“NTA at all! Get your refunds while you still can. You know if the tables were turned, he wouldn’t leave his 4-month-old child behind, nor would he hire a babysitter he didn’t know anything about.”
Boo-effen-hoo for your cousin. If he couldn’t be bothered to add the ‘no children’ rule to the invitation, that’s on him. Spend your money on something you’ll actually enjoy.” ~ Gattina1
“NTA. You’re exactly right that they should have specified about young children not being included on the invitation.”
“They also should have expected that some people might back out when they were told that at the last minute. It’s all on them regarding losing money at this point.” ~ WelfordNelferd
“NTA. Get your refunds and send your regrets, anyone hosting a child free event should understand this means not everyone can come.” ~ Calm_Initial
“NTA. You were willing to fly internationally with an infant-ALONE-for your cousin’s wedding. They couldn’t plan ahead and let you know it was childfree?”
“They couldn’t make ONE exception? Even if your baby took a bottle, who would you trust with them?”
“I’m sorry, but some of these wedding rules these days completely forget that attendees are their GUESTS.” ~ Recent_Data_305
“My husband’s cousin had a child free wedding around 9 hours from here in an area I’ve always wanted to visit. We decided we’d all go, upgrade the room—wedding was at the hotel resort—and I’d hang in the room/lobby with the baby who would have been 2-months-old at the time of the wedding.”
“Bride found out and told me not to be silly; infants don’t count as children—infants are still an extension of the mother. Several friends had kids up to a year in attendance.”
“We’d leave if they got fussy, and we bailed when the music started after dinner. It was lovely.”
“OP’s cousin is just being an a**.”
“It’s perfectly acceptable not to have a flexible line on the age, but they have to be okay with people not coming due to childcare… they can’t have it both ways!” ~ AdventurousYamThe2nd
“NTA. It is not ‘standard’ because every wedding I’ve ever been to allowed children. And even if the majority of the ones in your family didn’t, he should have reached out about childcare arrangements sooner.”
“Surely there’s someone else he can invite—coworker, bride’s family—so he won’t be out the money.” ~ Korike0017
The OP provided two updates, first posting:
“Apparently, about 30 people have canceled because of this, and that’s why the bride and groom are complaining so much about the costs.”
Then the OP added:
“They have decided that a child-free wedding isn’t feasible. They will also be setting up a children’s play area.”
Couples are certainly free to set whatever restrictions they want for their wedding, but guests are equally entitled to opt not to attend.
Finding a balance and deciding what’s important is something couples have to work out while planning a wedding.
It sounds like the OP’s cousin has decided having people attend is more important than excluding children from the event.