Content Warning: Mentions of Coercion and Details of Sexual Intimacy
One of the key components of a healthy relationship is physical intimacy and a shared sense of comfort in how frequently that intimacy is experienced. If it's not experienced in a way or at a quantity that both people can agree with, it can put a strain on the relationship.
But sometimes, health issues arise that make it very difficult to be intimate in the traditional sense, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, making it extra important for both people to be understanding and communicative.
Redditor throwaway_74925 had been diagnosed with endometriosis, and she had been experiencing excruciating pain, making it impossible for her to be with her husband in the way he wanted.
But when he kept bringing the issue up and even keeping track of how long it had been since their last time together, the Original Poster (OP) became fed up with him making it all about him.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for snapping at my husband after he complained again that we haven't had sex in three months?"
The OP was struggling with endometriosis symptoms.
"I (27 Female) have endometriosis. It is a disease where the endometrial lining of my uterus grows onto other organs. It puts me in intermittent, severe pain, normally around my period."
"However, it is not limited to this period of time. I got an IUD put in to hopefully stop the pain back in January and have been spotting/bleeding since, which also means I have been in pain almost the entire time."
"I am also scheduled for surgery that will erase or lessen my pain (Laparoscopic excision of endometrial tissue)."
Through no fault of the OP's, her concern was also complicating her physical relationship with her husband.
"Unfortunately, sex makes the pain worse, which means that my husband (30 Male) and I haven't had sex in almost four months."
"He has been making 'jokes' about it and directing jabs at me about the fact."
"I explained to him that as much as I would love to, unfortunately, the pain is so bad that I can't even read my books without having to stop in the middle of a spicy scene, because I got tuned on and it hurt."
"I asked him to please stop bringing it up, as I feel horrible about it."
But the OP's husband's jokes were clearly turning toxic.
"Well, tonight, he said something about it again while I was watching some TikToks he sent me."
"It was some TikTok of just some guy in a mask, and I commented on the video, 'I volunteer!'"
"My husband then said to me, 'So you'll volunteer for him, but haven't had sex with me in three months.'"
"I snapped at him, 'I GET IT! We haven't had sex in three months! You won't let me forget, and I am ACUTELY aware of how long I have been in EXCRUCIATING pain! Now, will you PLEASE shut up about it?!'"
"He was furious, and I feel bad that I snapped, but I've been in so much pain, and I hate that I can't even have sex with the man I love."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her husband needed to be more understanding about her diagnosis.
"NOR. My wife is in the same situation. She already had the surgery. It helped for about a year, but now it is worse than it was before the surgery. I have basically written off sex, period."
"I abso-f**king-lutely refuse to put sexual pressure on her after she has to lie in bed with a heating pad and ibuprofen/muscle relaxers."
"We eventually had to see a counselor. I tried my best to assure her that she was still the most sweet and beautiful woman in the world to me, but the loss of advances from me was a lot to overcome."
"Her feeling of being 'broken' was extremely hard to overcome, but with both of us on the same page, married life is as good if not better than ever. I could never knowingly put my wife through pain for a few moments of my pleasure." - Express_Subject_2548
"My wife has endo and PCOS, has had surgery, and is on a waiting list for more. We haven't had sex for probably three years at this point, because it's painful for her, and her being in pain doesn't get me off. Maybe I'm just weird like that." - TheDisapprovingBrit
"NOR. I have severe vaginismus and have been in physiotherapy for almost three years. It all happened as a result of a bad infection that was left untreated, and traumatised my body into a permanent defence mode."
"My boyfriend hasn’t ONCE in those three years asked anything of me or shamed me. He’s there for every breakdown and depressive episode, he’s supportive and even attends all appointments, and he does anything he can to lessen stress for me."
"I’m forever grateful, and your husband needs to take some notes. I hope things improve for you. Women’s health is very draining, and you deserve proper support." - PreferanceAny3130
"Your husband needs to take the time to educate himself on endometriosis. Unfortunately, a lot of men brush anything related to women's problems aside or see it as minuscule compared to 'their problems,' ie, blowing the load."
"Until he understands what is happening, he doesn't DESERVE to even get up in there, even if you WERE feeling it. He has absolutely no understanding of what you're enduring constantly and is brushing it off."
"YES, intimacy is important in relationships, but it's also impossible to expect someone in pain to want to be intimate. His lack of consideration speaks volumes about him." - TheInterruptingCow94
"NOR. My family has a history of endometriosis and cysts. I have had to listen as my mother screamed in agony from a ruptured cyst. We almost lost her when she had surgery to remove the ropes of scar tissue from her body because they were slowly killing her, and then the doctor nicked a blood vessel, and transfusions were the only thing that saved her life."
"Your husband can and should go touch grass and acquaint himself with his hand if he's that desperate."
"My best wishes to you." - calamityj0n
Others agreed and were certain that the OP had a husband problem.
"He's a selfish pr**k. I mean, if she’s not doing anything sexual with them at al,l not just vaginal intercourse, they might have a point, as this can go on for months or years, but to be in severe pain from a disease while your husband acts like a fumbling sixteen-year-old, hurt that he can’t get to fourth base and whining about his blue balls would probably upset a lot of women." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"Many men have been socialized or convinced that their needs trump women’s needs, and it’s her duty to service him when he wants it."
"We constantly tell women that if they don’t put out, their boyfriends/husbands will stray. Men hear this and think that’s what’s okay. Maybe not consciously, but think about hearing that over and over as you grow up."
"It becomes an option when it wouldn’t have been without that rhetoric. Don’t even get me started on how purity culture teaches men that they aren’t in control of their 'needs,' and it becomes the women’s fault." - Blugrl27
"Literally who the f**k is able to enjoy getting their rocks off while they know their partner is in intense physical pain?? Utterly bizarre behavior." - ChrisWood4BalloonDoor
"I have endo, had surgery years ago, and even did Lupron for six months (medicated menopause) when we were first married."
"My husband only cared about me as a human being and soul mate, not about getting off. I will say for me sex has always been very important (probably because I really love the guy), so even if it couldn't be penetrative, we would be intimate in other ways."
"It sounds like OP is going through my worst nightmare, though, and is the reason I have been too scared to attempt an IUD."
"I hope she gets better medical care soon (OP, you should see an expert in your area; regular OBGYNS always push IUDs for 'treatment,' and I've only heard bad results from other women with endo), and am sad for her about the husband." - Dismal_History_
"I don’t get it. I’m a father, my partner went through a rough pregnancy, we haven’t had sex in over half a year now, I think. Sure, I miss having sex with her, but as she does with me, and she can’t."
"Does that mean I have to get upset? No. There are no complaints, no cheating, and I’m patiently waiting until we can finally f**k because we’re gonna f**k."
"I’ve never understood men who can’t go without having sex with their partners for extended periods."
"Yes, sex is an amazing thing, but it’s not 100% of the relationship. During times like these, it’s important to be intimate in other ways." - Upper-Check401
"NOR. This situation is hard, and it’s going to take a husband who will love you through every season of life to get through this. People experience medical conditions that prohibit them from having sex all the time."
"My husband and I haven’t had sex in six months due to pregnancy complications, and we won’t have sex for another two to three months because I’m about to give birth."
"He has never once hounded me about it. He sees me in pain and understands that adding stress to that won’t help. Your husband needs to love you through every season. The good and the bad." - Vegetable-Western-83
This was undoubtedly a difficult situation for the OP and her husband, but her husband was only making it worse by guilting her about something that she could not control and counting up the days since their last session.
He'd have something to say if the OP were withholding sex from him, but the fact that it was painful should have been enough for him to be patient and understanding.
