Content Warning: Amputation, Ableism
When we think of unconditional love, we typically think of our parents loving us no matter what, or our romantic partners sticking with us through thick and thin.
But unconditional love applies to friendships, as well, and the ridiculous reasons a person might not want to be friends with us anymore can really sting, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor vqzku recently had to have her leg amputated, and while she was maintaining a positive attitude about it and keeping her life as much like it used to be as possible, some things had definitely changed.
But the change that the Original Poster (OP) didn't see coming was a good friendship ending, because a friend thought her amputation would "kill the mood" at her baby shower.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that I wasn't invited to a baby shower because I'm a new amputee?"
The OP recently had to have one of her legs amputated.
"I (24 Female) recently became an amputee a few months ago, and I now use crutches to get around."
"It’s obviously been a huge life change, but honestly, I think I’ve handled it pretty well."
"I’m still very social, I joke around constantly, and most people would describe me as upbeat if anything."
But one big change in the OP's life was the loss of an important friendship.
"One of my friends is having a baby shower soon, and I found out through mutual friends that I wasn’t invited."
"At first, I thought maybe it was just a small event, or numbers were tight or whatever, but eventually another friend told me the actual reason."
"Apparently, the mom-to-be said she thought having me there would 'change the mood,' because people would ask questions about my leg and using my crutches, and the attention would shift away from the baby shower and become 'sad.'"
"I’m honestly kind of stunned by this. First of all, I don’t walk into rooms demanding everyone discuss my medical history. If people ask questions, I answer them casually and move on."
"Also… I’m not dying? I still laugh, make jokes, socialize, and go out. I genuinely didn’t realize anyone saw me as some depressing presence."
The OP didn't see the friendship lasting.
"Part of me understands maybe she wanted a very light, celebratory vibe and didn’t want anything potentially awkward, but another part of me feels incredibly hurt and honestly kind of dehumanized. Like I’ve suddenly become 'the tragic amputee' instead of just… me, her friend."
"Now I’m wondering if I’m overreacting, because technically, she can invite whoever she wants to her shower."
"But I can’t stop thinking about how humiliating this feels."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were disgusted by the former "friend's" ableism and prioritization of a baby shower aesthetic.
"You’re NOR. She’s being ableist and is a s**t friend. Absolutely ridiculous. She can choose who she wants at her shower, but it shows what kind of person she is." - rapunzelandeugenia
"OP, you're NOR at all. It sounds like you've handled something tragic with grace and humor, and you're thriving in spite of it all. What your friend did was awful. That would crush me." - YummyPotaterTot
"Holy f**k. NOR. If you need better friends, I promise we're out here. God, I'm mad for you." - cringenaenaebby
"NOR. She has shown you her true self. She is NOT just a bit shallow. She takes it to another level."
"She has some serious narcissistic tendencies in that she can't stand the idea of every single moment not being about her. She is worried that someone may say something, and a five-minute conversation may happen about someone else."
"You have simply overlooked and made excuses before, but if you really look back, I bet you will find times where she has shown her hand. It just wasn't you as the target before."
"I wouldn't bother talking to her. Just downgrade this relationship. Take your time replying to her messages. Let her calls go to voicemail. Stop making room for her in your life, as she isn't doing the same. You are only allowed in her life when it's convenient or suits some purpose. Don't let her use you any longer." - RazzmatazzOk2129
"I wouldn’t bother with a conversation. This person is horrible. Cut contact, and I’m petty, so I would surely let all our mutuals know exactly why. Your other friend told you for a reason, even though they are horrified."
"The baby shower b***h honestly did you a favor by showing her true colors now, so you can be rid of her and not waste any money on gifts, lol." - Express-Arachnid-782
"NOR. The same thing happened to me when I lost my leg at 26. I was also pretty upbeat and not like walking on my hands to draw attention to myself."
"But I had so many 'friends' stop wanting to hang out or invite me places. 'What if you trip? What if, like, it makes the vibes weird? What if someone asks you a question about it?'"
"I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I found my actual friends who will joke with me about it, and listen when I have issues with it without being grossed out."
"Being a new amputee was kind of lonely at times for me, I’m sending you all my hope for a supportive circle." - im_a_real_boy_calico
While others reassured the OP that she was not overreacting, they were also, in a way, glad that she found this out about her former "friend" sooner rather than later.
"NOR. That's no friend. Real friends don't treat your presence like a mood killer just because you're navigating a life change." - CommitteeCultural618
"If someone suddenly acts like your presence is a burden because your life looks a little different now, that says way more about them than it does about you." - CinderLakeAzure
"Real friends adjust and support you; they don’t suddenly act like you ruined the vibe just because your life changed." - nettleandlace
"It sounds like you're dealing with things well. It also sounds like she is insecure."
"Aside from wanting attention on her, she may be struggling with your amputation more than you/be jealous at how well you're handling this big life change."
"Don't confront this 'friend,' but put some distance between you. If other people are reacting worse to this change in your life than you are, then you know they're not the friends for you." - pthepuff
"NOR, but I don’t think she really cares about a 'sad' vibe; she was just scared that you might have gotten more attention than her. It's reprehensible, either way."
"That she is even in that headspace (of counting attention) is disturbing in a grown adult. Who is that self-centered and shallow that they would be keeping score over who gets more attention, the pregnant friend or the friend recovering from a limb amputation? Such a sick mindset."
"The 'I don't want it to be sad' viewpoint is horrendous, as well. I don't know exactly when it happened, but as a species, we used to understand that we're not in control. Beautiful and wholly positive events and loss, pain, and grief can occur at any time and mix together not infrequently."
"Trying to curate out anything difficult or painful from our 'good' occasions is artificial and a profound misunderstanding of life. It's all life, and the way we survive, physically, mentally, or emotionally, is together. That's our strength as humans: we can communicate our emotions with each other, the good and the bad, and celebrate or commiserate as a team. Joy multiplies when shared, pain lightens."
"It's instinctual to do this sharing with the people we love. I have to conclude that people who don't share and benefit don't really know what love is about." - ChipSouthern9771
"Apparently, her aesthetic is more important than your friendship. Don't be sad about it. Consider it a blessing, you don't need friends who view you as a mood killer just for being who you are." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"I don’t know this woman, but I can practically guarantee you it’s not because she thinks you’ll bring the mood down or that it will be sad; it’s strictly because you could potentially take attention away from her."
"This is like brides asking that none of their guests or wedding party be pregnant, so as not to 'steal their thunder.' This is not a friend. NOR." - HearingImaginary5090
"Yikes, I’ve heard of people being pissed about engagements stealing the thunder from a wedding... but sympathy for an amputee stealing thunder from a baby shower is a level of low that is comical."
"Is this an episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'? I am so sorry. Scorch earth that b***h." - caljalco-jones
The subReddit could not believe that a "friend" did not invite the OP just because they wanted a certain "vibe" for their baby shower, and the immediate assumption was that the friend was ableist and attention-seeking.
The silver lining of all of this was that the OP found out that this wasn't a real friend, rather than finding out when she might really need her.
Woman Claps Back At Overweight Roommate After She Calls Her A 'Skinny B*tch' First
Corbis/VCG/GettyImages
A person's weight can be a VERY sensitive topic.
Whether someone is considered overweight or underweight, talking about it can cause a lot of strife.
Some people make comments that they think are light-hearted fun.
But that kind of fun can sting emotionally.
Redditor Certain_Nothing_3355 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 F[emale]) have three roommates."
"Lacey (22 F) is one of my roommates."
"All four of us have a good relationship; we regularly have dinner together, go out together, and hang out at our apartment."
"Sometimes Lacey can be snarky, but usually we don’t really say anything to her or each other about it."
"I just chalk it up to a personality quirk and accept it."
"For context, I am 115lb, and Lacey is 215lb (she’s recently started her weight loss journey and posts her weight online)."
"I promise this is relevant."
"Last night, my roommates and I were getting ready for a night out, and I was in my room with the door open, putting makeup on."
"Music was playing, and my roommates were running in and out of each other’s rooms to borrow clothes and chat about plans for the night."
"Lacey walked by my room to grab something from our shared bathroom."
"As she did, she looked into my room and loudly said, 'I’m so glad I’m not one of those skinny bi*ches that needs makeup to feel good about herself.”
"Before thinking, I snapped back, 'I’m so glad I’m not one of those overweight b*tches that needs to put other girls down to feel good about herself.'”
"And then I went right back to putting on my makeup."
"She burst into tears and told me I had no right to bring up her weight."
"I told her she brought up my weight first, so she had no leg to stand on."
"Later, one of my other roommates told me I was out of line since Lacey has struggled with her weight, and we all know she can make sharp comments sometimes, so I should have let it go."
"I agree, I could have probably been nicer about it, but at the same time, I feel like I was also matching the energy she gave me."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'm an overweight snarky b***h, and Lacey got what she asked for."
"If we have learned nothing from the body positive movement, it's that NOBODY is allowed to comment on someone else's appearance."
"She drew first blood."
"She won't do it again... lol." ~ kstweetersgirl2013
"NTA. I had a girl call me anorexic all throughout school, and everyone had an issue when I'd call her fat."
"You don't get to make derogatory comments about other people's bodies without expecting it back."
"If I'm going to be an ar*ehole, then I'd fully expect it back."
"I don't see why it should be any different just because she's overweight."
"That doesn't provide her with immunity from having her actions reflected back at her."
"If she doesn't like it, then she should have enough self-awareness to realize she started it and should have expected it back." ~ SleepyDeluxe
"Lacey struggles with her mouth, too, by making such an ugly remark."
"She fired the first shot."
"You just fired back. NTA." ~ YakCertain5472
"NTA. Some insecure big girls think, since being skinny is generally considered conventionally attractive, that it’s OK and fair to disparage and insult people thinner than they are. It’s not."
"They don’t like comments about their bodies or weight, and they shouldn’t do the same to others."
"You gave her a taste of her own medicine, and hopefully she’ll think twice before talking to anyone like that again." ~ draizetrain
"NTA. You’re not in the wrong for clapping back."
"She should learn that you treat others how you want to be treated yourself."
"Not your fault, you returned the favor." ~ turtlesaregorgeous
"NAH, fu*k that. I had a 'friend' who constantly made snide comments on my body."
"She was insecure with herself and lashed out to make herself feel bigger."
"She had the same reaction your roommate did when I started throwing it back."
"Sorry, kids - being overweight isn't a bulletproof shield to protect you from the ramifications of being an as*hole."
"Don't start none, won't be none."
"Either go to therapy and deal with your insecurities, or get it back in your face." ~ Internal-Student-997
"Not the as*hole."
"I couldn't care less if 'that's just how she is' and that she's sensitive about her weight."
"She's an as*hole for being rude for no reason."
"Seriously, she's not being 'snarky.'"
"She's being a rude as*hole."
"What you said was snarky."
"What she said was completely uncalled for."
"Maybe now she'll think twice about insulting people for absolutely no reason." ~ EffectiveNo7681
"I'm going with NTA only because I feel like that sort of behavior needs to have consequences."
"Let her cry and feel bad; if she says something rude about your body, and you give that back to her?"
"Well, maybe she'll think twice in the future."
"I can see why some people went with ESH because, yes, you could have handled it kinder."
"But you're 22, and also you just gave her back what she gave you, which wasn't at all unfair."
"She was rude; you were rude in return."
"She got upset."
"Them's the consequences, hopefully she learned the right lesson here."
"That said, your remark probably really cut her, because underneath her rudeness is likely a lot of insecurity and jealousy, and that's what drove her comment."
"It's not up to you to be her therapist, but if you care about her, you might want to try to have a conversation with her about what drove her to say that to you when you've both calmed down."
"Someone may need to encourage her to get some support rather than taking her angst out on others." ~ Datura_Rose
"NTA and you were NOT 'out of line.'"
"If she’s going to be a b*tch she should expect others to be a b*tch right back, especially about the same thing."
"She doesn’t sound 'snarky,' she sounds like she needs therapy and a proper sit-down to discuss boundaries and appropriate behavior." ~ SteampunkRobin
"NTA. Especially because some people struggle with gaining weight."
"People tell me all the time, 'I wish I were as skinny as you!!'”
"Okay, do you also wish you had thyroid problems that make it impossible to properly digest and hang onto the thousands of dollars I spend on food?"
"My body is killing itself from the inside out, but yeaaaaahhh go tell me to eat another cheeseburger." ~ Dull-Selection615
"See... some of these comments aren't it... yes it costs nothing to be kind, and you don't have to match her energy."
"However, constantly having to push aside her comments because 'that's just how she is' is absolutely not ok."
"Being overweight and snarky are not free passes for her to weaponize and use them."
"Sometimes you need to snap back. NTA." ~ nackle09
"NTA - She was tearing you down to make herself feel better. "
"Sure, she struggles with weight, meaning that was a guaranteed gut shot (no pun intended), but that means she more than understands how hurtful it is to be judged by size."
"Which would make this situation all the more disappointing for you."
"Also, if someone wants to be the snarky friend and make comments like that with no repercussions, then they gotta learn to take some of it back, especially if they cross the line."
"She’s your friend, sure, you could have been nicer, but good intentions only get you so far, and even if she meant it in jest, it doesn’t mean there’s no line to cross." ~ Jedi_Of_Kashyyyk
"NTA. I imagine this isn't the first time she has done something like this."
"You don't have to always just ignore her and let it go; it's not fair that you keep being insulted and do nothing about it."
"I see no difference between what she said and what you said, so if she cried, maybe she'll use this experience to understand how she constantly makes other people feel." ~ WhatTookTheeSoLong
"NTA, she brought up weight first as an attempt to bully without any retaliation; she knows weight is a touchy subject and has made sure no one is allowed to make comments like that to her, but she feels entitled to make opposite comments."
"Do not apologize, but I’d maybe have a roommate sit down and talk about what is appropriate and not appropriate to say to and about others."
"And make it about weight because it’s uncomfortable, but she started this."
"People have all sorts of reasons they are overweight, and some of them really can’t help it."
"In the same fashion, some people are underweight, and you don’t know why they are that skinny, and it’s none of your business, just like it’s nobody’s business why you are overweight."
"Say plainly: these comments about ANY weight have got to stop because they’re harmful."
"From now on, your apartment and your language are body positive no matter what, and snarky comments will get called out as the asshole remarks they are." ~ Netflxnschill
"NTA, as a plus-size woman myself, I would never comment on someone's body, and if I did, I'd expect the same energy back." ~ kpi3zy
Reddit is with you, OP.
You had every right to defend yourself.
Hopefully, you can all talk it out.
Good Luck.