Content Warning: Amputation, Ableism
When we think of unconditional love, we typically think of our parents loving us no matter what, or our romantic partners sticking with us through thick and thin.
But unconditional love applies to friendships, as well, and the ridiculous reasons a person might not want to be friends with us anymore can really sting, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor vqzku recently had to have her leg amputated, and while she was maintaining a positive attitude about it and keeping her life as much like it used to be as possible, some things had definitely changed.
But the change that the Original Poster (OP) didn't see coming was a good friendship ending, because a friend thought her amputation would "kill the mood" at her baby shower.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that I wasn't invited to a baby shower because I'm a new amputee?"
The OP recently had to have one of her legs amputated.
"I (24 Female) recently became an amputee a few months ago, and I now use crutches to get around."
"It’s obviously been a huge life change, but honestly, I think I’ve handled it pretty well."
"I’m still very social, I joke around constantly, and most people would describe me as upbeat if anything."
But one big change in the OP's life was the loss of an important friendship.
"One of my friends is having a baby shower soon, and I found out through mutual friends that I wasn’t invited."
"At first, I thought maybe it was just a small event, or numbers were tight or whatever, but eventually another friend told me the actual reason."
"Apparently, the mom-to-be said she thought having me there would 'change the mood,' because people would ask questions about my leg and using my crutches, and the attention would shift away from the baby shower and become 'sad.'"
"I’m honestly kind of stunned by this. First of all, I don’t walk into rooms demanding everyone discuss my medical history. If people ask questions, I answer them casually and move on."
"Also… I’m not dying? I still laugh, make jokes, socialize, and go out. I genuinely didn’t realize anyone saw me as some depressing presence."
The OP didn't see the friendship lasting.
"Part of me understands maybe she wanted a very light, celebratory vibe and didn’t want anything potentially awkward, but another part of me feels incredibly hurt and honestly kind of dehumanized. Like I’ve suddenly become 'the tragic amputee' instead of just… me, her friend."
"Now I’m wondering if I’m overreacting, because technically, she can invite whoever she wants to her shower."
"But I can’t stop thinking about how humiliating this feels."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were disgusted by the former "friend's" ableism and prioritization of a baby shower aesthetic.
"You’re NOR. She’s being ableist and is a s**t friend. Absolutely ridiculous. She can choose who she wants at her shower, but it shows what kind of person she is." - rapunzelandeugenia
"OP, you're NOR at all. It sounds like you've handled something tragic with grace and humor, and you're thriving in spite of it all. What your friend did was awful. That would crush me." - YummyPotaterTot
"Holy f**k. NOR. If you need better friends, I promise we're out here. God, I'm mad for you." - cringenaenaebby
"NOR. She has shown you her true self. She is NOT just a bit shallow. She takes it to another level."
"She has some serious narcissistic tendencies in that she can't stand the idea of every single moment not being about her. She is worried that someone may say something, and a five-minute conversation may happen about someone else."
"You have simply overlooked and made excuses before, but if you really look back, I bet you will find times where she has shown her hand. It just wasn't you as the target before."
"I wouldn't bother talking to her. Just downgrade this relationship. Take your time replying to her messages. Let her calls go to voicemail. Stop making room for her in your life, as she isn't doing the same. You are only allowed in her life when it's convenient or suits some purpose. Don't let her use you any longer." - RazzmatazzOk2129
"I wouldn’t bother with a conversation. This person is horrible. Cut contact, and I’m petty, so I would surely let all our mutuals know exactly why. Your other friend told you for a reason, even though they are horrified."
"The baby shower b***h honestly did you a favor by showing her true colors now, so you can be rid of her and not waste any money on gifts, lol." - Express-Arachnid-782
"NOR. The same thing happened to me when I lost my leg at 26. I was also pretty upbeat and not like walking on my hands to draw attention to myself."
"But I had so many 'friends' stop wanting to hang out or invite me places. 'What if you trip? What if, like, it makes the vibes weird? What if someone asks you a question about it?'"
"I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I found my actual friends who will joke with me about it, and listen when I have issues with it without being grossed out."
"Being a new amputee was kind of lonely at times for me, I’m sending you all my hope for a supportive circle." - im_a_real_boy_calico
While others reassured the OP that she was not overreacting, they were also, in a way, glad that she found this out about her former "friend" sooner rather than later.
"NOR. That's no friend. Real friends don't treat your presence like a mood killer just because you're navigating a life change." - CommitteeCultural618
"If someone suddenly acts like your presence is a burden because your life looks a little different now, that says way more about them than it does about you." - CinderLakeAzure
"Real friends adjust and support you; they don’t suddenly act like you ruined the vibe just because your life changed." - nettleandlace
"It sounds like you're dealing with things well. It also sounds like she is insecure."
"Aside from wanting attention on her, she may be struggling with your amputation more than you/be jealous at how well you're handling this big life change."
"Don't confront this 'friend,' but put some distance between you. If other people are reacting worse to this change in your life than you are, then you know they're not the friends for you." - pthepuff
"NOR, but I don’t think she really cares about a 'sad' vibe; she was just scared that you might have gotten more attention than her. It's reprehensible, either way."
"That she is even in that headspace (of counting attention) is disturbing in a grown adult. Who is that self-centered and shallow that they would be keeping score over who gets more attention, the pregnant friend or the friend recovering from a limb amputation? Such a sick mindset."
"The 'I don't want it to be sad' viewpoint is horrendous, as well. I don't know exactly when it happened, but as a species, we used to understand that we're not in control. Beautiful and wholly positive events and loss, pain, and grief can occur at any time and mix together not infrequently."
"Trying to curate out anything difficult or painful from our 'good' occasions is artificial and a profound misunderstanding of life. It's all life, and the way we survive, physically, mentally, or emotionally, is together. That's our strength as humans: we can communicate our emotions with each other, the good and the bad, and celebrate or commiserate as a team. Joy multiplies when shared, pain lightens."
"It's instinctual to do this sharing with the people we love. I have to conclude that people who don't share and benefit don't really know what love is about." - ChipSouthern9771
"Apparently, her aesthetic is more important than your friendship. Don't be sad about it. Consider it a blessing, you don't need friends who view you as a mood killer just for being who you are." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"I don’t know this woman, but I can practically guarantee you it’s not because she thinks you’ll bring the mood down or that it will be sad; it’s strictly because you could potentially take attention away from her."
"This is like brides asking that none of their guests or wedding party be pregnant, so as not to 'steal their thunder.' This is not a friend. NOR." - HearingImaginary5090
"Yikes, I’ve heard of people being pissed about engagements stealing the thunder from a wedding... but sympathy for an amputee stealing thunder from a baby shower is a level of low that is comical."
"Is this an episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'? I am so sorry. Scorch earth that b***h." - caljalco-jones
The subReddit could not believe that a "friend" did not invite the OP just because they wanted a certain "vibe" for their baby shower, and the immediate assumption was that the friend was ableist and attention-seeking.
The silver lining of all of this was that the OP found out that this wasn't a real friend, rather than finding out when she might really need her.
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