Sharing custody of a child isn't always easy.
Schedules can be what breaks the peace.
But schedules have to be made and adhered to.
Redditor Fabulous-Actuary1991 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her daughter's well-being and her ex's life, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"Aitah for 'being disrespectful' and not accommodating my ex and his wife even though they’re having a baby?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"BACKGROUND: My 34 F[emale] ex Brad 37 M[ale] have a daughter, 10 F Felicity."
"He lives three hours away (he moved) and is married to Haley, 36 F."
"Felicity stays with him for two months in the summer and for certain holidays. "
"It's a legal custody order."
"We do not have a child support order, but he does pay child support that we agreed on, which hasn't changed in 8 years, even though I know he's gotten a new job, but whatever, apparently that's not my business."
"I don't really talk to Brad, but obviously, whenever he calls Felicity or vice versa, it's my phone, but we don't talk about anything other than Felicity."
"Per the order (that we wrote and agreed on together, by the way, it wasn't forced on us by a judge), Felicity stays with him for 8 weeks starting the Saturday after school ends."
"She does come back (I don't want to go that long without seeing her) for two weekends during this time."
"It's been this way since she started school."
"I have a B[oy]F[riend] Mark 35 M, who I've been seeing for about a year."
"Felicity hasn't met him, but possibly will in the future."
"It's not that it's a casual relationship or anything, I just don't want to bring a ton of guys around her, so I'm very protective over who I introduce to her."
"THE ISSUE: A few weeks ago, I (re)sent Brad the dates for this summer, and he was ok with it, but after their last call, he asked if he could talk to me, which is never fun... lol."
"He said that Haley is pregnant and due at the end of May, so he wasn't going to be able to have our daughter until 'maybe July.'"
"He also said that he'd have to stop sending child support since he's going to be a stay-at-home dad."
"I'm dealing with that side of things with a lawyer because I don't know who told him that's how it works, but obviously, he's an idiot."
"The issue is that Mark and I are going on a cruise that starts the Wednesday after Felicity is/was supposed to go to her Dad's."
"It's a 20-day cruise, and my parents will be taking their annual trip to Europe during that time, so I have nobody who I would trust to watch her for that long (other than her father...)."
"The cruise is paid for, and it would cost money to move, plus I already have the time off work approved, and it's a whole thing."
"I told him that wouldn't work, and I'd drop her off at the agreed time and day, and he'd need to figure it out."
"Like I do all year... lol."
"Obviously, it's not about not having my daughter."
" I wish I never had to be away from her, and I told him that for the days I'm in town/not on the cruise, I'd be more than happy to have her."
"He got super angry."
"I guess the whole cruise thing was triggering, and he was like, see, you don't even need child support if you're going on luxury cruises."
"Apparently, I shouldn't do anything fun ever so that he can be a stay-at-home dad?"
"He told me I'm disrespecting his wife, who is going to be a first-time mom, and she needs space so that they can figure out the new baby."
"I understand, but that's not really my issue, is it?"
"I told him, again, I have no issue taking her for the days I'm in town, but I'm not moving my trip just because they're having a baby (I haven't said anything about the child support stuff, but my lawyer said it's being handled)."
"People have older kids and babies all the time and make it work; I don't see why they can't figure it out."
"He said that since it’s her first baby, she needs a few weeks to get used to being a mom, which I get, but Felicity isn’t there to see her; she’s there to be with her Dad."
"Felicity is excited to see her dad and be a big sister, so she doesn't know any of this is happening, obviously."
"He has been calling and texting me almost daily about this."
"Not in a harassing way, but acting like I'm being unreasonable."
"My parents say they can bring Felicity with them, which would be fine, but as I said, she's really excited to see her dad (she hasn't sen him since New Year's), and honestly, I can't really afford for her to go with them since plane tickets have been insane lately."
"He said in our last call that I'm disrespecting them and her motherhood journey, but to me, it’s not disrespect; I am just unable to accommodate them."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being unreasonable to think he needs to stop making me try to figure this out for him?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
TA. He doesn't get to just pretend his first child doesn't exist just because he chose to have another."
"Also, I would bet even in July he'd balk at saying something about being a new S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-D[ad] and needing to adjust to that without a second kid to look after the whole time."
"Hopefully, the lawyer is handling it to bump up the child support, too." ~ trilliumsummer
"He has a lot of nerve acting like you can’t take a cruise, but he can stop working altogether."
"And thinking he can just… stop paying child support?"
"What an arrogant and uninformed s.o.b."
"I despise men who neglect their children from a first marriage in favor of their second child from a new wife."
"That would devastate your daughter if she were to find out, and honestly, I think his trying to push back her visit will hurt her deeply as well."
"I hope you continue to stand your ground and refuse to accommodate him."
"And I hope your daughter never has to find out what a raging dipshit her father is."
"WTF does he think everyone else who has a second baby does with their firstborn?"
"NTA x a million. I see why he’s your ex."
"He sucks." ~ Blindtothesided
"He's not even a part-time dad and clearly is okay with not seeing her for 7 months?!"
"Insane behavior."
"Sounds like you have a lawyer, so it's time to get this in front of a judge and signed."
"But tell him to direct communication to your lawyer and to stop harassing you."
"Do not make other plans until your lawyer lets you know the next steps."
"Do not agree to anything in writing, and yes, he's stupid to think that child support will be stopped."
"You parent your child almost exclusively 10 months out of the year."
"He had time to figure his sh*t out."
"It's not on you to accommodate them when you are essentially a single parent. NTA." ~ Chaoticgood790
"NTA. Having a new baby doesn’t relinquish your responsibilities as a parent to your existing children."
"And his new wife knows he has a child already, and that this is the arrangement." ~ Puzzleheaded-Yak9722
"NTA. He forgets that you have your daughter the entire year, and generally, child support doesn't pay for that much."
"Get an official order for child support, too."
"Your ex has no idea who pays for your cruises anyway."
"I wouldn't have even told him what was happening." ~ canthaveme
"NTA... get an official child support order and custody agreement signed by a judge." ~ BeneficialHurry8644
"NTA—He could have told you months ago that his wife was pregnant and that he wanted a different summer schedule."
"Instead, he dropped it on you at the last minute and expects you to cancel your vacation plans."
"F*** that. He’ll be home."
"He can take care of his own 10-year-old daughter." ~ Present_Ad1553
"I brought home a newborn with an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old at home."
"They’ll be fine."
"Do not engage anymore."
"Tell him that you cannot cancel your trip, end of story. NTA." ~ whotookmyphone
OP came back to chat...
"You don’t need to keep telling me to get a lawyer re: the child support."
"I don't know how many times I have to say that I’ve already done that, and it’s being handled."
"Thanks for looking out for me, but I’m here for a moral judgement more than legal advice."
"I’ve laid it out to him that he can either figure out his custody time or pay for Felicity's flights to Europe with my parents."
"I won’t ask them to pay for them, and I won’t either, because if he doesn’t have any skin in it, he won’t take it seriously."
"He knew I always take a June trip, he acknowledged it in December when he had to have known she was pregnant."
"He only started throwing this fit when he found out I was going on my trip with a boyfriend."
"If I were to pay for the flights, I can GUARANTEE you that before she left, he would throw a fit and demand his custody time."
"He has been doing this sh*t to me for 18 years, so I know his game."
"And he was never going to quit his job, he freaking admitted it that he was just going to change his shifts around."
"I know it’s not about me, but sometimes it’s so overwhelming."
"I don't know, I don’t have any advice right now, but just know that bad cops make horrible exes."
Reddit is with you, OP.
This situation is a mess.
A mess your ex needs to clean up.
Stay firm and go enjoy your cruise.
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