Sharing custody of a child isn't always easy.
Schedules can be what breaks the peace.
But schedules have to be made and adhered to.
Redditor Fabulous-Actuary1991 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her daughter's well-being and her ex's life, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"Aitah for 'being disrespectful' and not accommodating my ex and his wife even though they’re having a baby?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"BACKGROUND: My 34 F[emale] ex Brad 37 M[ale] have a daughter, 10 F Felicity."
"He lives three hours away (he moved) and is married to Haley, 36 F."
"Felicity stays with him for two months in the summer and for certain holidays. "
"It's a legal custody order."
"We do not have a child support order, but he does pay child support that we agreed on, which hasn't changed in 8 years, even though I know he's gotten a new job, but whatever, apparently that's not my business."
"I don't really talk to Brad, but obviously, whenever he calls Felicity or vice versa, it's my phone, but we don't talk about anything other than Felicity."
"Per the order (that we wrote and agreed on together, by the way, it wasn't forced on us by a judge), Felicity stays with him for 8 weeks starting the Saturday after school ends."
"She does come back (I don't want to go that long without seeing her) for two weekends during this time."
"It's been this way since she started school."
"I have a B[oy]F[riend] Mark 35 M, who I've been seeing for about a year."
"Felicity hasn't met him, but possibly will in the future."
"It's not that it's a casual relationship or anything, I just don't want to bring a ton of guys around her, so I'm very protective over who I introduce to her."
"THE ISSUE: A few weeks ago, I (re)sent Brad the dates for this summer, and he was ok with it, but after their last call, he asked if he could talk to me, which is never fun... lol."
"He said that Haley is pregnant and due at the end of May, so he wasn't going to be able to have our daughter until 'maybe July.'"
"He also said that he'd have to stop sending child support since he's going to be a stay-at-home dad."
"I'm dealing with that side of things with a lawyer because I don't know who told him that's how it works, but obviously, he's an idiot."
"The issue is that Mark and I are going on a cruise that starts the Wednesday after Felicity is/was supposed to go to her Dad's."
"It's a 20-day cruise, and my parents will be taking their annual trip to Europe during that time, so I have nobody who I would trust to watch her for that long (other than her father...)."
"The cruise is paid for, and it would cost money to move, plus I already have the time off work approved, and it's a whole thing."
"I told him that wouldn't work, and I'd drop her off at the agreed time and day, and he'd need to figure it out."
"Like I do all year... lol."
"Obviously, it's not about not having my daughter."
" I wish I never had to be away from her, and I told him that for the days I'm in town/not on the cruise, I'd be more than happy to have her."
"He got super angry."
"I guess the whole cruise thing was triggering, and he was like, see, you don't even need child support if you're going on luxury cruises."
"Apparently, I shouldn't do anything fun ever so that he can be a stay-at-home dad?"
"He told me I'm disrespecting his wife, who is going to be a first-time mom, and she needs space so that they can figure out the new baby."
"I understand, but that's not really my issue, is it?"
"I told him, again, I have no issue taking her for the days I'm in town, but I'm not moving my trip just because they're having a baby (I haven't said anything about the child support stuff, but my lawyer said it's being handled)."
"People have older kids and babies all the time and make it work; I don't see why they can't figure it out."
"He said that since it’s her first baby, she needs a few weeks to get used to being a mom, which I get, but Felicity isn’t there to see her; she’s there to be with her Dad."
"Felicity is excited to see her dad and be a big sister, so she doesn't know any of this is happening, obviously."
"He has been calling and texting me almost daily about this."
"Not in a harassing way, but acting like I'm being unreasonable."
"My parents say they can bring Felicity with them, which would be fine, but as I said, she's really excited to see her dad (she hasn't sen him since New Year's), and honestly, I can't really afford for her to go with them since plane tickets have been insane lately."
"He said in our last call that I'm disrespecting them and her motherhood journey, but to me, it’s not disrespect; I am just unable to accommodate them."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I being unreasonable to think he needs to stop making me try to figure this out for him?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
TA. He doesn't get to just pretend his first child doesn't exist just because he chose to have another."
"Also, I would bet even in July he'd balk at saying something about being a new S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-D[ad] and needing to adjust to that without a second kid to look after the whole time."
"Hopefully, the lawyer is handling it to bump up the child support, too." ~ trilliumsummer
"He has a lot of nerve acting like you can’t take a cruise, but he can stop working altogether."
"And thinking he can just… stop paying child support?"
"What an arrogant and uninformed s.o.b."
"I despise men who neglect their children from a first marriage in favor of their second child from a new wife."
"That would devastate your daughter if she were to find out, and honestly, I think his trying to push back her visit will hurt her deeply as well."
"I hope you continue to stand your ground and refuse to accommodate him."
"And I hope your daughter never has to find out what a raging dipshit her father is."
"WTF does he think everyone else who has a second baby does with their firstborn?"
"NTA x a million. I see why he’s your ex."
"He sucks." ~ Blindtothesided
"He's not even a part-time dad and clearly is okay with not seeing her for 7 months?!"
"Insane behavior."
"Sounds like you have a lawyer, so it's time to get this in front of a judge and signed."
"But tell him to direct communication to your lawyer and to stop harassing you."
"Do not make other plans until your lawyer lets you know the next steps."
"Do not agree to anything in writing, and yes, he's stupid to think that child support will be stopped."
"You parent your child almost exclusively 10 months out of the year."
"He had time to figure his sh*t out."
"It's not on you to accommodate them when you are essentially a single parent. NTA." ~ Chaoticgood790
"NTA. Having a new baby doesn’t relinquish your responsibilities as a parent to your existing children."
"And his new wife knows he has a child already, and that this is the arrangement." ~ Puzzleheaded-Yak9722
"NTA. He forgets that you have your daughter the entire year, and generally, child support doesn't pay for that much."
"Get an official order for child support, too."
"Your ex has no idea who pays for your cruises anyway."
"I wouldn't have even told him what was happening." ~ canthaveme
"NTA... get an official child support order and custody agreement signed by a judge." ~ BeneficialHurry8644
"NTA—He could have told you months ago that his wife was pregnant and that he wanted a different summer schedule."
"Instead, he dropped it on you at the last minute and expects you to cancel your vacation plans."
"F*** that. He’ll be home."
"He can take care of his own 10-year-old daughter." ~ Present_Ad1553
"I brought home a newborn with an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old at home."
"They’ll be fine."
"Do not engage anymore."
"Tell him that you cannot cancel your trip, end of story. NTA." ~ whotookmyphone
OP came back to chat...
"You don’t need to keep telling me to get a lawyer re: the child support."
"I don't know how many times I have to say that I’ve already done that, and it’s being handled."
"Thanks for looking out for me, but I’m here for a moral judgement more than legal advice."
"I’ve laid it out to him that he can either figure out his custody time or pay for Felicity's flights to Europe with my parents."
"I won’t ask them to pay for them, and I won’t either, because if he doesn’t have any skin in it, he won’t take it seriously."
"He knew I always take a June trip, he acknowledged it in December when he had to have known she was pregnant."
"He only started throwing this fit when he found out I was going on my trip with a boyfriend."
"If I were to pay for the flights, I can GUARANTEE you that before she left, he would throw a fit and demand his custody time."
"He has been doing this sh*t to me for 18 years, so I know his game."
"And he was never going to quit his job, he freaking admitted it that he was just going to change his shifts around."
"I know it’s not about me, but sometimes it’s so overwhelming."
"I don't know, I don’t have any advice right now, but just know that bad cops make horrible exes."
Reddit is with you, OP.
This situation is a mess.
A mess your ex needs to clean up.
Stay firm and go enjoy your cruise.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp